Society of Heroes with Indeterminate Talent (9 page)

14.

S.H.I.T headquarters (The praise 2)

“Right then, are you ready?” asked Agent One looking confident again.

“Yes,” replied Agent Two holding out his fist.

“One…,”

“Two..,”

“Three,” said Agent One.

Agent Two stared down at his scissor sign and then at Agent One who was holding out his rock with a triumphant grin on his face.

"You're too predictable."

"It's just luck." moaned Agent Two.

"No, it's a game of strategy, observation and intelligence.  See you have a consistent throwing pattern and have a tendency to throw rock on your first hand.  You then want to be unpredictable and choose the same hand again on the next throw because you think I wouldn’t think you'd think of that.  That's called a two-rock run.  But then I know your next move after that will definitely be scissors or paper because you don’t want to be seen as too predictable and no-one goes for a three-rock run.  Then it's just a case of watching your hand to see which one you'll pick.  When you choose paper your fingers are usually loose before the throw and when you pick scissors only your top two fingers are loose.  Read your opponent, know their pattern and watch their hand."

"Best three out of five again?" asked Agent Two hopefully.

"I'm a winner but I'm not reckless, agent."

"Teach me your ways, Rock-Paper-Scissors Master." he begged.

"One day you too could achieve greatness but not today, today you must accept your destiny." said Agent One looking down at the door handle.

"Agents!" roared the voice of the General from beyond the door.  "I know I shouted you to get in my office because I was there when I shouted it.  Now you two worthless, lazy, stupid asswipes get in this office before I really lose my composure."

Muttering under his breath Agent Two took a deep breath before opening the door and stepping inside followed by Agent One.

"Sorry about that, boys," said the General cheerfully.  "I seem to get angry unexpectedly, without really understanding why."

Both agents stood there unblinking at the General who was stood in the centre of the room wearing nothing but disposable paper underpants.

"Is something wrong, agents?  Never seen a man wearing paper pants before?"

"In all honesty, no sir." said Agent One.

"What about you Agent Two?  Do you feel uncomfortable?"

"Remarkably so, sir."

"That's too bad because I need two volunteers and your names just happened to spring to mind."

"To do what, sir?" asked Agent One swallowing hard and taking a step back.

"My all-over spray tan!" replied the General happily.  "Is there a problem, agents?"

Agent One opened his mouth but no sound would come out and he closed it with an audible click.

"You Agent Two, are you feeling okay?  You're swaying on the balls of your feet a little."

"Apologies sir, I just vomited a little in my mouth."

"You need an iron stomach in this business agent, so keep it down.  Now the equipment is on the table behind me.  Agent One you spray and Agent Two if you see any runs just rub it in for me to even out any imperfections.  I just exfoliated last night so it should go on nice and even, but I do have some dry skin areas on my elbows so you know."

"Is this necessary, sir?" asked Agent One weakly.

"Of course, how else would I get a nice natural healthy glow and be the envy of all my subordinates.  Well, what are you waiting for agents?"

The General stood with legs apart and held his arms and hands out from his body as the two agents shuffled over to his desk to the spray tan equipment.

With a haunted expression on his face Agent Two picked up a pair of latex gloves and slipped them on as Agent One gingerly stared at the spray gun.

"Don’t forget the hairnet." barked the General.

With a shudder Agent Two selected the hairnet and gently tucked it onto the General's head over his thinning black hair.

"Have you lost the use of your hands, agent?" snapped the General looking around to Agent One.

"No sir, just familiarizing myself with the equipment."

"Well get to it agent, a man of my importance can't be stood around half-naked all day."

Agent One lifted the spray gun and aimed it towards the General with a grimace twisted on his face.

"Hold the airbrush about ten inches away.  Spray in overlapping circles and don’t make it blotchy," warned the General.  "If it glistens you're putting too much on."

"Sir."

With utmost care Agent One began spraying the General, starting from the top of his back going all the way across and down.

"Turn to the side sir, and look straight ahead." said the agent in almost a whimper.

The General did as he was told and the agent sprayed from the face to the shoulders and down the arm in slow careful circles.

"Turn to an angle and facing me, sir."

"Getting the hang of it now, aren’t you agent?"

"Sir."

Closing his eyes for a moment Agent One dropped to his haunches and sprayed down the entire length of one leg and then the other.

"Hold on, I have identified a run!" remarked Agent Two moving quickly to rub in the tan.  "There you go."

"Excellent teamwork, agents."

"Please let it end!"

"What was that Agent One?"

"I said we're nearly at the end."

Finally the agent stood up and placed the spray gun quickly back on the desk as the General looked down at his lower torso then at his arms.

"Hmmm…not bad, have you done this before agent?"

"No sir, I have never spray tanned a short naked man wearing paper underpants before.  It's an experience that I am sure will never leave me no matter how many times I try and forget it."

"Looks very natural, sir." commented Agent Two in appreciation.

"Why thank you, agent.  Got to allow the solution to dry for ten minutes or so but it does look rather good doesn’t it?  Well you two are turning into quite the crime-fighting pair aren’t you?  Crime in London is still falling with fewer robberies, drug operations and violent offences according to the latest figures released today which proves what we're doing is working.  Without agents like you two patrolling London representing S.H.I.T, I dread to think what the streets would look like, so I commend you for that.  I heard about the car theft ring you smashed Agent Two, very impressive work."

"Thank you sir," replied the agent peeling off the latex gloves.  "Did the owner get his car back safely after the operation?"

"The insurance company paid out a claim because the vehicle was stolen.  We have decided to repossess the Bugatti Veyron and use as a bait car for our next sting operation, sort of like a honey trap."

"Can we do that, sir?"

"Of course we can, I am now the legal owner of the vehicle and any use of the car has to be fully authorized by me."

"Can we use it, sir?" asked Agent Two suddenly brightening up.

"Not while I have breath left in my body, agent.  I also took a call from Boris Johnson this morning.  He wants to know if there's anything we can do about the pigeon population on Trafalgar Square.  Can you get Birdman onto something like that Agent One, and maybe get him to lead them away like the The Pied Piper of Hamelin?"

"Get right on it, sir."

"Good man.  I'm also hearing reports of an interesting development out on the streets.  Two rival gangs, the Brixton hoods and the Peckham Boys have merged into one and they call themselves the Brixton Boys.  They say they are waging a gang war against people wearing suits and costumes.   Strange, but it could cause us some issues so keep a close eye on that one.  But we still have much work to do agents so get back out there and do what you do best."

"Sir." they said in unison.

"I do like these little chats we have, agents." said the General smiling affectionately.

"Is there anymore planned anytime soon?" asked Agent One.

"Yes.  Now what are you waiting for?  Get the hell out of my office!"

Turning the agents shuffled slowly from the office with their shoulders hunched.  As soon as they were out in the corridor Agent One turned to Agent Two.

"Never, ever, ever talk of this day."

"To anyone."  Agent Two whispered.

15.

The flasher, the superhero and the hindsight kid

The man in the long grey trench coat confronted the young woman while she was trying to get into her car in the underground car park.

"Can I help you?" she asked a little hesitantly as she opened her car door.

Without a word he pulled open his coat exposing himself to her with a wide grin on his face.

"Pervert!" the woman screamed, yanking the door shut and slamming her hand down on the lock.

He stood there for a moment, gyrating his hips in a slow circular motion as the woman fished frantically in her handbag and yanked out her mobile phone.

"Police! Police!" she yelled into the phone in a high shrill voice.

With his smile gone in an instant, the flasher turned and sprinted out of the car park squinting at the bright sunshine above as he held onto his coat covering his modesty.

Suddenly there was a whoosh from above and the man glanced up to see a black shape hurtle through the sky high over his head.  With his feet pounding the hard pavement he flicked another furtive look overhead as he rounded a street corner and careered across the road.

Zigzagging through traffic he dodged vehicles that screeched to a halt with their horns blaring and drivers throwing him expletives.  Panting heavily the man hurtled down a side street and threw a look over his shoulder when all of a sudden he slammed into something hard and immoveable, sending him sprawling to the ground with a yelp of pain.

"Citizen, please cover up your genitals." said a commanding voice.

The man looked up with a dazed expression on his face at the tall superhero towering over him.  His face was partially covered by a black leather mask with only his piercing blue eyes, wide full lips and granite-like jaw line visible.  He was clad in red and black spandex with stylized body armor covering his torso, and a long black cape that flowed out majestically behind him.

"Genital exposure is not appropriate behavior citizen, and neither is touching oneself.  You are in violation of the Sexual Offences Act 2003 and could face a maximum prison time of 2 years.  It's morally unacceptable and offensive to others, so please cover up your anatomy."

The man on the ground looked down at his open legs then quickly closed them and pulled his trench coat around him, flushing red as he did so.

"It is I, the Black Avenger, protector of London and official real-life superhero, and it is my duty to make you pay for your crimes against humanity."

"B…But I haven’t done anything wrong." stammered the man scrambling to his feet and looking around nervously.

"Do not try and escape citizen, for I have super-speed and can fly," said the Black Avenger tilting his head to the side for dramatic effect.  "Yes, I know what you are thinking, I am incredible aren’t I?"

"You m…must have me mistaken for someone else.  I was just out going to the shops."

"Citizen, I see a grown man before me wearing a trench coat with bare shins and trainers and nothing underneath.  My super x-ray vision tells me this, and also allowed me to survey you exposing yourself to the young woman in the car park.  In future try streaking son, you'll get the same thrill."

"What happens now?"

"Now I must take you to the authorities and let justice be served for that is the superhero way."

"You're a real life superhero." cooed an excited voice from behind the Black Avenger.

He spun around to stare at a man dressed in a black suit holding a clipboard and another shorter man dressed in a gaudily colored costume with red pants and a yellow belt with the letter 'H' emblazoned on it.

"My superhero hearing must not be working properly." said the Black Avenger, waggling a finger in his ear in embarrassment.

"To be fair we were creeping really quietly." remarked the man in the suit with an apologetic smile on his face.

"I can hear a person fart at two thousand yards.  It's barely there, but I can detect it.  All these long hours must be taking their toll on my superhero abilities."

"Can you hear anything smaller, like a bird?" asked the shorter man clapping his hands together in delight.

"Birds don’t have butt cheeks, son," said the Black Avenger knowingly.  "Tell me citizens, who are you?"

"My name is Agent Two and my overly-exuberant colleague is Hindsight Kid.  He's never seen a real-life superhero in the flesh before."

"Feel free to stare at my sheer awesomeness and don’t look away and be paralyzed by the realization that such a phenomenon exists.  Do not worry; I am quite used to it."

"His costume is soooo cool." whispered Hindsight Kid reaching forward to touch the black cape.  "Mine was from a thrift store."

"Do not touch the threads, son.  I made this costume myself; needlework is my thing you see.  My name is the Black Avenger."

As he said the words a gust of wind blew his black cape and it trailed out behind him as the Black Avenger stared up at the sky with his fists planted on his hips.

"He doesn’t look black." commented Hindsight Kid with a frown.

"It's the color of the costume, Martin." said Agent Two.

"That would make more sense."

The Black Avenger carried on gazing towards the sky for full dramatic effect.

"But why isn’t he called the Red and Black Avenger then?"

"Doesn’t quite have the same ring to it, does it now?"

"Suppose so," said Hindsight Kid peering closely at the superhero.  "Say, what's he looking at?"

Agent Two craned his neck and followed the Black Avengers long intense stare and nodded his head.

"I've seen this before," said the agent.  "See, a dramatic pause can make a listener pay attention.  It's a superhero thing and quite common amongst them."

"But it's such a long time though," moaned Hindsight Kid.  "I bet he's getting neck ache by now."

"You're right Martin; he must be feeling a little uncomfortable by now."

Clearing his throat loudly Agent Two stepped forward as the Black Avenger shook his head and focused on them.

"My apologies citizens, I zoned out a bit there.  Tell me again, who are you?"

"I am Agent Two and this is my colleague Hindsight Kid.  We represent S.H.I.T and are part of a task force helping clean up the streets of London to help take the burden of our fellow superheroes."

"Ah, I've heard about you.  With the whole 'community is fighting back' thing you have going on.  Your work and efforts are appreciated within superhero circles, although it is a little unorthodox."

"Can you give me some advice, sir?" asked Hindsight Kid with wide eyes.  "It will help me unleash my inner superhero."

The Black Avenger laid a gloved hand on the short man's shoulder and smiled, showing a row of glistening pearly white teeth.

"Fighting crime is a difficult job…a tough job son, but if you live by the Superhero code-of-conduct you can be just like me, albeit a shorter uglier version with clearly no powers or dress sense."

"Can you teach me this superhero code?" gasped Hindsight Kid.

"I can, but you must promise you will live by it and remember, with great power comes great responsibility."

"Rip off." said Agent Two coughing into his hand.

"Excuse me?"

"Nothing, please carry on."

The Black Avenger sniffed and looked intently into Hindsight Kid's eyes and spoke, his voice barely above a whisper.

"Number one, be the champion of right and defend the weak and infirm.  Two, remain faithful to your word.  Three, be generous except to homeless people because that is what council authorities are there for and we all pay taxes, right?  Four, only euthanize someone and only as a last resort if their suffering begins to really irritate you, but remember to do so humanely.  Five, do not accept money to use your superpowers unless the money is completely untraceable and finally six, thou shall look marvelous at all times.  I added that last one."

"Wow!" said Hindsight Kid.

"Are you absolutely sure that's the Superhero code-of-conduct?" asked Agent Two suspiciously.

"Of course, I'm a superhero aren’t I?  What superpowers do you have?"

"I don’t have any, I'm just an agent representing S.H.I.T, but my colleague does."

"What are they?" asked the Black Avenger.

"I have an incredible understanding of a situation only after it has happened or developed." said Hindsight Kid proudly.

"Can you offer your expertise on this crime that has just happened?" asked the superhero pointing behind him where the flasher had been.

"What crime?"

The Black Avenger spun around on the spot but the man in the trench coat had long gone.

"Ahhh…I had apprehended a criminal for indecent exposure but he erm…appears to have left the scene."

"I saw him running away as we were talking.  He looked kind of normal to me." said the agent peering off into the distance.

"He was naked underneath his coat." said the Black Avenger with a sigh.

"That's not normal." remarked Agent Two.  "Can you use your super powers Hindsight Kid?"

Nodding his head Hindsight Kid raised his hands to his temple and furrowed his brow in deep concentration as he channeled his powers.  His face became etched, his mouth a grim tight line as he focused intently as his powers intensified.

Finally after a few long seconds he lowered his shaking hands and looked at the Black Avenger.

"You should have kept an eye on him."

"Your powers are extraordinary." remarked the Black Avenger in admiration.