Someone Else's Conflict (34 page)

‘Will you let
me
decide about that?'

The long silence was broken only by Jay snapping and unsnapping a press stud on his jacket.

‘Let's go for that walk,' she said.

As she went to the coat pegs to get a warmer jacket, he said her name. She stopped and turned.

‘You don't have to do this,' he said. ‘I've told you before – I could just go; come back to you when it's all sorted out. If you still want me by then.'

Shaking her head, she turned back to the coat rack. It wasn't so much the actual situation they were in; his distance, unpredictability were what was unsettling her. She hesitated for a minute –
when this is all sorted out…think of the me you allowed into your life
– before grabbing a coat and winding a woollen scarf round her neck. She was smiling as she turned to face him.

‘I've told Matt there's no way I want you to leave. And Sue. Don't you start.'

He nodded, managing to smile back, and she followed him out.

The vastness of the moors beyond the trees seemed almost as comforting as the gentle kiss he gave her before they walked the footpath out onto the tops. Whatever the practical reasons for coming out here, he looked less trapped with the big sky around them and the wind rustling in the coarse grass and dying heather.

‘I should start with an apology,' he said suddenly. ‘One thing I didn't tell you yesterday. The police called me. I didn't say anything, but that's what I meant by “lost” my phone. I smashed it. I'd just had that call from Vinko, you didn't answer when I tried to talk to you about it and I felt totally screwed up. No excuses, mind; it was a ridiculous thing to do. That's the kind of guy you're dealing with.'

‘I'm sorry myself; Matt was there when you called. I intended to ring you straight back, but you must have got rid of yours by the time I did. I should have answered.'

He slowed his pace slightly and turned to look at her.

‘That's not what I meant by apologising. I'm sorry, Polly, but I spent all yesterday afternoon thinking you'd gone to the cops behind my back. I was gutted that I couldn't trust you – what a hypocrite!'

‘I honestly didn't—'

‘Of course you didn't! But it took hearing Matt's voice last night to make me realise and see sense. What does that say about trust?'

The path had narrowed and she was walking behind him, unable to see his face.

‘I'd like to think it says more about the state you were in. You didn't have to tell me now, but you have.'

‘There's plenty more where that came from.'

‘What?'

‘Stuff I haven't told you yet.'

‘Go on.'

Let him get it out of his system. She wondered what he was going to come out with next.

‘You asked about Dan Freeman. He's me.'

She was beyond surprise.

‘You lead a dual life? Mr Conventional Dan and Jay the free spirit?'

‘Not exactly.' He stopped and turned to her. ‘Jay the guy who used to hate himself and Dan the alter ego he wore after he ran away. Something like that.' He turned and started walking again. ‘You seem to be taking it pretty calmly.'

‘It depends who this Dan is. What he's done. Why do the police want to talk to him?'

‘The bank account I transferred the Pranjićs' money from was in that name. That's where it all started. It was the name Zora and I used to arrange things. I came to see this Freeman as the one who had the guts to leave Jay Spinney and his mess of a life behind. Surprising how easy it was – practically.' He shrugged. ‘I wasn't any happier. But he's still there – the house, the bank accounts were Dan Freeman's. I changed my name on everything else to go with it – anything official, he's the one.'

He'd got his wallet out and handed a bank card back to her without turning. She looked and passed it back, struck by the absurdity of such a transaction out on the empty moors.

‘And you never know,' he continued, ‘Like Vinko's, they could have picked up my prints from when we went to see Anja.'

‘How would they have a record to match them to?'

Jay laughed. ‘Anti-war demo in London, can you believe. Iraq. I suppose it's like reformed smokers or born-again anything, but there I was. It all got a bit OTT and the police were as heavy-handed as they usually are in those situations – but I suppose we would say that, wouldn't we? I got herded up with a van full of others, but they couldn't pin anything on me and after a sleepless night in the cells I was on my way with a caution, leaving behind a fingerprint record and a police file.'

‘Is that all?'

‘Well, if none of that's enough for you…' He shrugged. ‘Just to be sure I'm getting it all out in the open, there were a few pub brawls, in the old “I'm a real bastard so I might as well behave like one” days before I got my act together. But I was never actually taken in for that.' He strode on, eyes on the ground ahead of him. ‘I'm not proud of any of it and I'm sorry. Especially about the name. I've banged on enough about trust – I should've told you. But if it's any help, it's all part of it.'

‘Part of what?'

‘This. Me and you.' He stopped again and turned to face her. It was as if a barrier had dropped away. ‘When I introduced myself to you – I can't believe I acted like that, just strolled in and made myself at home! But it was just after I'd decided I ought to make some changes in my life. Stop running away, can you believe – not done too well on that count so far, have I? Even so… When I met you, got talking to you, it just felt right. Like it was confirmation I was doing the right thing. You know, that was the first time in years – nearly twenty years – that I'd spoken my real name out loud. I heard myself saying “Jay Spinney” and it scared me, but…but I just kept going and… Didn't you think I was acting strangely?'

‘I'd call it intriguing.'

He grinned. ‘That's the kind of attitude that makes you special to me.'

‘Does it have anything to do with why you've always called me Polly?'

‘Because I think you're special?'

‘No, silly – to match your sudden impulsive name change.'

‘Not change. Reclaim.' He smiled again. ‘Lost baggage reclaim. You know, it never occurred to me that Polly had anything to do with it. It just slipped out. Like I said at the time, I think it suits you. But if you don't like it, I'll—'

‘Whatever gave you that impression? It's special. It's us.'

He hugged her and for a fleeting moment she thought he was going to kiss her, but he drew away and started walking on.

‘I'm sorry. I shouldn't have allowed any of this to happen until you knew everything. I've not been fair on you, I know I haven't. But honestly, Polly, I thought…I thought I'd left it all way behind.'

‘Left all what behind, Jay? Until I knew what? What exactly did you do?'

He glanced at her.

‘I've told you, mostly. It's not
what
, so much as
why
. Or the absence of
why
.'

His pace quickened and she hurried to catch up with him. She reached for his arm. He pulled it away gently.

‘Best not. Not yet.' He strode on. ‘I killed people in someone else's war, that's what. I told you that. But… Listen, I'm not saying any war's right. But if you're involved because you believe in a cause, because you want to defend something or right the wrongs… Well, perhaps that's justification. What justification did I have?'

‘Didn't you believe in the cause?'

He shrugged. ‘Any belief I had was for all the wrong reasons. At first, yes. I'll allow myself that. I…I intended to make my home there. Looking back I realise I
wanted
to belong more than I actually did. And I suppose that blinded me. Yes, of course it was right. They wanted their independence, part of their own country had been taken over. They, we, wanted to win it back, safeguard it. But in time it became more than that. We got blinded; defence turned to aggression. We turned out to be just as bad as anyone else. We even had our own power-crazed maniac leader. Evil is too good a word for Lek.'

His pace quickened as if he were trying to walk away from his memories. ‘But…he was Zora's lover and the rest of us were too scared to stand up to him. At least I was. Many of the others, there was no question of them even
wanting
to stand up to him; they had their cause and they admired him. I did too, for a while, if I'm honest. Even though, deep down, I knew that some things we were doing went too far. But I
made
myself believe it was right – because of my friend, because of a woman I was infatuated with, because of a selfish desire to belong. I even had my own name for those times, too, Šojka. That's what you heard when I talked in my sleep. I should've told you right then, of course.'

He paused and she stopped alongside him, wondering how to respond. He held a hand up to silence her as he glanced around the moors, looking back down the hill towards the house, tiny among the trees in the distance.

‘What's up?' she asked.

He shook his head as if getting rid of a fly.

‘There's one more thing I haven't told you. I…I've got a travelling companion. I keep thinking I've managed to shake him off, but he's a persistent little bastard. He's around somewhere now.'

Marilyn shuddered at the thought there was someone with them.

‘No need to worry, he's only a boy. Never does anyone any harm. Just follows me.' He laughed to himself. ‘It does make sense – I think. I've never told anyone about him. I keep trying to give him what he wants and he keeps promising me he'll go away. Perhaps if I tell you now, Polly, he'll finally keep his promise and leave me alone?'

Shaking his head again, he sat down heavily on a tussock of grass. She glanced round, saw no one, and sat down beside him.

‘Tell me, Jay.'

‘This boy – I don't even know his name after all these years – he's from a village called Paševina. Not far from Zora's place. Lek's home village. Before the war, most of the people there just wanted to get on with their lives, like they do anywhere, but it was a mixed community like most in the area. When the war came there were plenty who immediately hated friends and neighbours, even family members, simply because they were Serb or Croat. It came under Serb control early on, and we were ambushed near there one time – I got injured.' He patted his side and she remembered the scar. ‘Missed weeks of the fighting. When I got back on my feet I guess I was desperate to prove myself. I got my chance. Lek led a raid on Paševina, and even by his standards it was particularly vicious.

‘I've said he was an evil bastard. And this was his revenge. It had been his home, once. It was personal. And what Lek did, we all did.

‘Whatever I'd been involved in before, Paševina was different. We went in hell-bent on driving them out, destroying the place so they couldn't come back.
We
. Me included. I wish I could deny it. Until… It went beyond destruction, beyond brutality. Perhaps I'd just had time to think as I lay on my sickbed. There they were – the people I was supposed to be one of – in the centre of the village executing those they saw as the main troublemakers and there I was watching, a couple of streets away. The place going up in smoke round me like some vision of Hell. And Ivan… my best friend Ivan seemed
pleased
by it all. Like it was justice. I looked away; it was all I could do, look away as if it wasn't real. I saw this boy across the street, hiding behind a car, staring at me. Suddenly I was on his side. I let him go. We'd been told to kill or capture everyone we found. Under the guise of security – he might come back at us, might kill me, my comrades. Who could blame him? Everything I'd seen, he'd seen, and it was happening to his own family. Letting him go wasn't only dangerous; it was probably crueller than killing him. But I couldn't have done anything else.'

His fingers were twisting the ends of his scarf. He stared at his feet.

‘You remember I said Ivan saved my life and I hated him for it? I didn't mean because I wished myself dead. I really did hate him for it. You see, that boy did have a go. He found a gun and threatened me with it. I've never been so scared in all my life. But I think I would have succeeded in talking him round, making him drop the gun so I could take him to safety.

‘That was when Ivan shot him.' Jay closed his eyes. ‘I swear I could see a look of betrayal on that boy's face.

‘Who knows what would have happened? Perhaps Ivan was right. I'm sure now that he honestly believed I was in danger. But that's with hindsight. I didn't see it like that, not then. He'd changed; I didn't like the way he was going. I should've talked to him more. I've always regretted that I didn't – he might still be alive, Vinko might have had a father, if I had. Of course I might be talking self-important crap. He could've been killed anyway. But it doesn't stop you thinking and regretting.' He sighed. ‘You know what? That wasn't the only time that boy came back at me. He won't leave me. I don't know now if he ever will.'