Authors: Carrie Crafton
When she’d finished over half of the pint of water she put it down and looked around. They were in Brendan and Orla’s guest bedroom. Collin must have carried her in. It was a small room, bordering on tiny, but very comfortable. The large bed with a down comforter took up most of it. There was also a chest at the foot of the bed, a nightstand on one side of it, and a rocking chair tucked into a corner.
“I don’t feel so good,” Emily mumbled.
Collin smiled over at her. He didn’t look any better himself. “It’s nothing that some coffee and a good fry won’t cure.”
Emily moaned doubtfully.
It took them another hour to actually make it out of the bed. They could hear their hosts puttering about and decided it was time to join them.
“Ah good,” Orla said. She had resumed her position by the fireplace sitting in the same chair as the night before, only instead of jeans she was dressed in pajamas with a blanket draped over her. “You’re up. Come have a seat Emily,” she said warmly. Then her eyes traveled up. “Collin, Brendan’s expecting you in the kitchen. He’ll need help with the fry. And we’ll take our tea, or do you drink coffee,” she questioned Emily, “in here whenever it’s ready.”
“Tea,” Emily said softly. Her stomach felt too fragile for coffee.
“It’s been like this since we were kids,” Collin said mournfully. “Just because she’s two years older than me she thinks she can boss me around.”
“And who’ll be making your favorite chicken curry tonight? And just might be willing to teach your wife how to do it?”
“You still take your tea the same?” Collin asked as he headed into the kitchen.
“One sugar and a drop of milk.”
Emily settled in on the couch, happy they had another whole day to enjoy there.
“You look like hell,” Orla said pleasantly.
“I know,” Emily agreed.
Emily was thankful Orla didn’t push for any more conversation than that for a while. She was still waking up.
“So how’s it going?” Orla asked eventually. Her voice was flat and to the point. She wasn’t making pleasantries, she was asking as a friend.
Emily breathed out a long sigh. She knew she could trust Orla. She could say what she felt, good or bad, and it wasn’t going to get back to Collin. “Good. It’s hard sometimes, but good.”
“What’s been the hardest?” Orla persisted.
“People.”
Orla’s eyes bore into her, pushing her to elaborate.
“Family.”
Orla nodded. “I thought as much. How’re you getting on with Joni?”
Emily almost laughed at the way Orla asked the question. It implied a lot. “She’s always the hardest nut to crack isn’t she?”
“All her life,” Orla agreed readily. “Well, since her mom. It’s like she’s got so much inside her and she doesn’t know how to let it out. And she doesn’t trust herself to lean on anyone.”
“We’re actually getting on pretty well,” Emily said, optimistically. “We had a bit of a struggle at first. And I have to say she still intimidates the hell out of me. But I guess she’s kind of like a dog, if you don’t show fear she probably won’t attack.”
Orla laughed at the comparison. “I’m sure she’d love to hear that.”
Emily’s eyes went wide. “You wouldn’t-.”
“Of course I wouldn’t,” Orla reassured her. “But it might just be the most accurate way I’ve ever heard her described.”
Emily smiled shyly. “She’s got a heart of gold. I can tell. She stocked our refrigerator before we came back. Then she stopped in to check on me the next day. But at the same time she’s reserved.”
Orla’s expression became somber. “I know. I guess Collin and Kevin are kind of like that too. I think Kevin would’ve been regardless. But Collin and Joni . . . . well, they just need some pushing.”
Emily gave Orla an open look. “And do you think I’m the right woman for the job? With Collin I mean?”
“At first I thought you were too gentle,” she answered honestly. “I thought he’d lead the relationship. But I’m starting to see more in you. You want things from life and that’s good for Collin. He hasn’t allowed himself to want anything for so long.” Orla’s eyes turned conspiratorial. “Tell me Emily, what did you think of your room here?”
“It’s great. It’s got a nice cozy feel to it.” Emily said the words easily even as she wondered what Orla was getting at. Orla wasn’t acting like a hostess merely inquiring about a guest’s comfort.
“Here’s your tea, ladies.” Collin entered the room, interrupting the conversation.
Emily searched his face for any sign that he’d been listening in, but he seemed oblivious. He placed Emily’s tea in front of her and Orla’s in front of her. “Breakfast should be ready in another ten minutes.”
“Great stuff,” Orla nodded her approval. Then she watched him closely making sure he was fully out of the room before she turned back to Emily. “Collin made the chest and the night stands in there.”
“What?” Emily shook her head in confusion. “But - he never mentioned - I mean, if he can do that why wouldn’t he tell me?”
“He doesn’t think it’s practical. And he doesn’t want you encouraging him. His dad’s done so much for him that he feels he needs to do for his dad now.”
“But Joseph wouldn’t mind. Joseph just wants him to be happy,” Emily insisted. She was still flabbergasted.
“I know that and you know that, but Collin won’t accept it. And I think the real reason is he’s afraid. He’s afraid to devote himself to something like that. The old Collin wouldn’t have been, but he’s not the same.”
“But, surely he made it after his mother. How-.” Emily’s mouth worked trying to formulate questions her brain was still coming up with.
“Sparks of the old Collin still come through. That’s what got him started making things in the first place. But it only lasts so long. Then he bottles it back up again.”
The conversation ended abruptly as Collin entered the room carrying plates to set the table.
“It smells delicious,” Orla said casually. “Emily why don’t you go wash up. Then we can eat.”
Emily took the excuse that was offered to leave the room. She was still too dumbfounded to speak. How could Collin hide such big secrets from her? Why wouldn’t he have told her?
“I was just telling your wife here that she should stop in and visit me at the shop sometime,” Orla lied as Emily walked back into the room. “We could go out for lunch or something.”
“You should Emily,” Collin agreed. Then disappeared to get the cutlery. He had already brought out the sausages and rashers.
Orla winked at Emily. Then her expression turned contemplative. “I don’t know if you’re interested Emily, but if you’d like you could work a few hours a week there too. I know it’s not the most thrilling of jobs and I know Collin doesn’t mind if you don’t work, but for yourself.”
Emily’s face lit up. “Really? Are you sure you need the help? I wouldn’t want to be in the way.”
“Not at all. Like I said Sara’s been cutting back on her hours now that classes are starting again. That just means more work for me. And it means staying later to do the paperwork I won’t be able to get done during the day. But if you’re there I could go over the books and make some calls. I just need someone to sit and deal with the customers. Even if it’s just for a few hours a week.”
“I’d love to.” Emily brightened at the idea. It was exactly what she needed.
“What’s this?” Collin had returned to make the final touches to the table.
“Orla’s giving me a job,” Emily said with childish delight.
“That’s not necess -.” Collin began to protest. The protective man in him didn’t want his wife to have to work. He wanted to be able to provide for her. But one look from Orla shut him up. “I mean that’s great.”
“It’ll be good for her to get out of the house and not just be wandering the streets. It’ll be too cold for that soon and you don’t want her getting a reputation in the pubs.”
Collin smiled. “No. That wouldn’t be good.”
“And I think we’d both enjoy the company.” Orla looked at Emily fondly.
Then Brendan came in with the eggs, mushrooms, beans, and tomatoes. “Breakfast is served.”
The rest of the day passed quickly. Emily never got another chance to talk to Orla alone. But when they were saying their goodbyes Orla told her to stop into the shop soon. “We can decide on the hours you want to work and catch up on other things as well.”
Chapter 10
“Great!” the word was said with meaning but not the kind that signified anything good.
Emily opened her eyes to peer up at the stormy face of her husband. “Hmm?”
“It’s raining.”
Even through the fog of sleep she almost laughed. Of course it was raining. Wasn’t it always raining? Then she realized it was Monday morning and Collin was in his usual blissful state once again. She thought about saying something comforting, her instinctive reaction, but knew that would only annoy him. Then she thought about saying something sarcastic, in the Irish fashion, but decided against that as well. It was too much effort and wouldn’t be appreciated anyway. After a couple more seconds of pondering she decided the best course of action was to roll over and go back to sleep.
Collin noted this reaction and felt his mood lighten in amusement for almost a whole second before he went back to grumbling in a quieter voice. He was crankier than usual which annoyed him and in turn made him even crankier.
Collin stepped out into the misty rain and pulled out his car keys. He usually walked to work when the weather was nice and drove when it was wet. But something about the feeling growing inside him prompted him to shove the keys back into his pocket and start walking. He wasn’t ready to arrive at the furniture store yet. He needed some time to sort himself out.
He would’ve been happy to pretend he didn’t know why he was so moody but the answer was too obvious even for him. Orla had depressed him. Which was a ridiculous way to put it, but as she’d been a friend since birth he felt he had the right to be childish about it. Orla with her wonderful shop and her wonderful attitude about life was getting on his nerves. And even worse his wife would soon be working for her and being influenced by her. Emily was on his case enough as it was without any added encouragement.
Collin could feel his bad mood radiating off him and he felt sorry for the people who would soon be forced to share his company.
Kevin was the first to get a dose of Collin’s bad humor.
“Car problems?” he asked with a curious smile.
“No,” Collin answered flatly as he let himself into the store.
“You’re a bit wet.”
“Really? I hadn’t noticed.”
Kevin’s smile soured. “Why don’t you take some time to pull yourself together, do some office work first,” he suggested in a controlled voice.
“I don’t need time to pull myself together,” Collin shot back at him.
“Yes, you do.”
Collin had a sudden flash of his brother finding him drunk and passed out in their front garden at the age of eighteen. Kevin had carried him into the house and told him, in a voice that implied he was still big enough to kick Collin’s ass, to pull himself together before their father woke up.
Collin’s head dropped to stare at his feet as the urge to punch Kevin shot through him and left. In its wake he felt embarrassed. “Right. Maybe I do.”
Emily woke again an hour later. Her eyes popped open and she realized she’d been dreaming. She tried to hold onto the images but the dream was gone. Only the vague feeling of some intense emotion remained, and that was fading as well. She pulled herself up into a sitting position and had a look around the room.
In this fuzzy frame of mind it didn’t feel like her room. It felt cold and unfamiliar. But this wasn’t something particular to Ireland. She was used to it from her countless moves in the past. Some days she just woke up and things didn’t feel right, as if maybe she was supposed to be waking up in one of her other houses or apartments, as if that would have suited the day better. It was then that Emily knew why. It was a day for waking up in her mom’s house. She needed to talk to her mom.
Emily made her way to the spare bedroom still in pajamas and slippers. There were still a few things to be unpacked that they’d shoved out of the way and Emily needed one of those things. While Collin was into his fresh gourmet coffee Emily loved nothing more than drip coffee makers with their big pots of coffee that stayed warm for as long as you needed them. It was the smell that filled the room and the thought that there was no hurry to do anything. It was there, waiting for her. It reminded her of slow afternoons spent with friends that turned into evenings without anyone noticing.
Once the pot was brewing Emily started the routine of cleaning the kitchen. Collin was faster at doing the dishes but he didn’t do it with the same care and attention she did. Emily even managed to get in a load of laundry without swearing. Then she pulled out her journal and took her time updating what was going on in her life. Through all this she kept her eye on the clock, waiting for it to be an acceptable hour to call home.
When Collin still hadn’t appeared at lunchtime Kevin went into the office to find him. “What’s going on in here?” he asked in a voice he hoped wouldn’t offend his temperamental brother.
Collin looked up from his position in front of the computer. “Huh?”
“I didn’t think it would take you this long to pull yourself together.” He thought maybe a joke would help.
Collin had fallen into the trance of the numbers, the nice reliable numbers that didn’t require an opinion but made their own logical sense. “Oh. Right. I should be out on the floor.” His tone turned bitter with self-judgment.
“I didn’t say that. I was just wondering what you’re up to.”
“Working okay. You’re not the only one that works around here. I realize I’m lacking in a lot of areas but I can do some things right.”
“I never said you couldn’t,” Kevin said bewildered.
“No. But the look on your face says enough sometimes.”
“What’re you on about?” Kevin’s tone started to match Collin’s own in anger.
“I can see it when I’m out there trying to sell. You don’t think I’m any good at it. You don’t think I belong in this store. I don’t have the knack for it that you have and I get in the way.”
Collin noted the way his brother’s jaw clenched together so that the veins in his neck bulged. He used to be very good at producing this reaction in Kevin when he was younger.
“For Christ sake Collin, what’s your problem today?!”
“You are! And this place is! I’m trying Kevin. I really try here. And I feel like nobody sees that. All I get are pitying looks because I’m not a good salesman. Dad looks at me the same way you do and I can’t take it anymore.”
“Look Collin this isn’t the place for a fight okay. Maybe you should just take the afternoon off and calm down. I’m not going to have this conversation with you right now.”
“No. Of course not. You’re too fucking perfect to do something as irrational as that.”
“Collin. Get out. Now.” Kevin’s neck muscles were bulging to unbelievable proportions but he kept himself under control.
Collin was as embarrassed and disappointed in himself as he was angry. He stood to leave before he could do anything else stupid. But even with this in mind his shoulder banged against Kevin’s in an obviously intentional manner.
Emily fidgeted uncomfortably by the phone, very aware of its presence. It was going on five and almost time to make the call. When she’d called earlier in the day she’d told her mom she needed to talk, that she couldn’t put it off any longer. Her mother told her to call her back at eleven (Minnesota time) on her cell phone. She said she’d take an early lunch and go someplace where they could talk without interruption.
Emily was still feeling the effects of the weekend. Being around Orla was interesting. It brought out parts of herself she’d put away recently. She was looking forward to having a job of her own again and a life outside of Collin. Something she could share with him but that was hers. Her conversation with Joseph was still with her as well. And Orla’s hints about Collin’s other talents. Emily was beginning to feel like she was involved in a tug of war that had more than two sides. She wasn’t sure where to focus her energy. Joni and Kevin were somewhere out there on the peripheries as well. But she knew for a fact that until she dealt with the issues from her past she wouldn’t be much use to herself or Collin in figuring out their future.
“I don’t know how to talk to her.” Emily concentrated on the space in front of her, feeling for the first time in days that she really needed Jeremy.
He appeared sitting cross-legged on the floor. There was no argument from him this time. He was calm and patient with her. “I don’t think she knows how to talk to you either,” he said. He was leaning back on his hands. His body relaxed, his words spoken softly. “But that doesn’t change the fact that she wants to talk to you. This needs to be done Emily or you’ll never move on. You have so many more things to come. You can’t be continuously haunted by the past.”
Emily’s lips twitched in amusement when he used the word haunted. And then she felt sad. She realized that she would eventually make peace with her mom. It was time and they were both ready for it. But when she did it would also be time to let go of Jeremy. She was already letting go. That process had started on Inis Mor. But the idea of finalizing that scared her. “It’s still hard,” she moaned, focusing on the problem at hand.
“Stop thinking about it and pick up the phone. You think too much. Don’t make yourself more nervous than you need to be.” His voice, while calm, contained the same sadness she felt. He was also aware she was moving past him.
Emily closed her eyes and tried to push everything out of her head. She listened to the stillness of the room and let it creep into her. When she opened her eyes again Jeremy was gone. Without letting her brain register what she was doing her fingers moved to lift the receiver and started dialing.
“Hello. Emily?” Her mom answered on the first ring.
“Yeah, it’s me, Mom.”
There was a pause and then Emily’s mother continued. “Emily, I know this is hard for you, even calling to talk to me about things.”
“Yeah. It is,” she agreed, her voice coming out more somber than she’d intended. “But I need some answers.”
“I know you do darling.”
The endearment hit Emily as something unexpected. Her mother didn’t use them often, at least not with her.
“I’ve decided to make it easier for you. After you called this morning I was too distracted to work. I told them I was sick. I’m actually at home now.”
“Mom, that’s not like you at all.” Emily was struck with mild disbelief. “I think I’ve seen you take one sick day in your whole life and even then Aunt Carolyn made you do it.”
“I know. But this is important. I’m writing you a letter. I’m almost done with it actually. And I’ll mail it out today. I’ll get it out to you as quickly as possible.”
There was a pause and her mother’s voice faltered. “I hope I’m doing the right thing.” It was weird for Emily to hear her mother’s always-decisive voice sounding confused. “There are things we need to talk about, I know. But some things might be better to read than to hear. It’ll give you the time you need to think about them. Then call me, or write to me if you’re more comfortable with that. And then we can talk.”
Her mother’s voice trailed off into silence and Emily found her own was caught in her throat.
“Emily. I hope you’re not mad at me about this. I just thought-.”
“No Mom.” She fought off the numbness that had taken over since she’d lifted the receiver. There were too many emotions involved for any of them to win dominance. Instead they cancelled each other out. But finally Emily felt peace settle inside her. Her mom was trying to make this as easy as possible for her. “Actually I really appreciate it.”
“I promise if this letter doesn’t answer all the questions you have you can call me and I’ll answer anything else you have to ask. We need to settle this Emily. We need to get to know each other. I don’t want it to be too late. I love you. I know I did a bad job of showing it, but I always loved you.”
“I love you too Mom.” The truth of those words sank in for the first time in her life, but she wasn’t able to elaborate on them. “I’ll be looking for the letter. I’ll write or call as soon as I get it.”
The room felt too quiet when Emily hung up the phone. Instinctively she thought of Jeremy but he didn’t seem like enough. She wanted real people around her, real voices, and real distractions. She picked up the phone again.
It rang five times before it was answered. “Hello?”
“Collin?” His voice sounded thick and there were background noises Emily didn’t recognize. “Where are you?”
“I’m in a bar Emily. Where the hell else would I be with my drinking problem? I wouldn’t want to upset your perfect analysis of me.”
His words stung. He’d never been so intentionally cruel. She was speechless on her end of the line.
“Look, don’t wait up for me because I’ll probably be home late. And yes drunk.”
Emily hung up the phone and pushed it as far away from her as she could, wanting to push away what had just happened. She wasn’t sure who it was on the other end of the line but that had not been the man she thought she’d married.
Collin still held his phone to his ear waiting for her to yell at him, waiting for what he deserved. Silence was not what he’d expected and it scared him.
“Shit.”
“Who’d you piss off now?’ Kevin asked taking a seat next to him at the bar.
Collin’s eyes narrowed angrily. “None of your business.”