Authors: Carrie Crafton
Collin’s dad gave him a quick hug. “Glad you’re home.” Then he moved across the room to give Emily a bigger one. He smiled down at her fondly. “I still can’t believe how small you are.” He said it with such warmth that Emily couldn’t be insulted. “So how was the honeymoon? What did you think of your tour of Ireland?” Even as he asked, he crossed the room to put his arms around Joni and give her a quick peck on the cheek. Then his attention was back on Emily.
Emily’s doubts about how she fit in faded. Joseph had that kind of presence. He loved his family completely and he made guests feel like family. He sat down and listened as Emily told him about their trip. Without asking Joni served him a cup of tea. It was a simple gesture but it showed how much his family loved him too.
“That’s grand Emily. I’m glad you had such a good time. I was impressed when Collin said you’d rather see more of Ireland than go somewhere else for your honeymoon.” And in the same breath he was up. “Now where are those two little scamps of mine,” his hand moved into his pocket.
“Dad, no sweets until after dinner,” Joni said before he could make a move out the door.
“Wha-? Of course not,” he said with a wink.
“I mean it Dad,” she yelled after him. But there was a smile on her face.
“Now where’re Kevin and Laura?”
The carrots had been whisked away from Emily and Collin pointed her in the direction of the plates and cutlery. Aware of her self-consciousness he gave her silent cues as to how to help.
“We’re here,” Laura announced, coming in on top of them all minutes later. “Kevin’s just grabbing the wine from the car.” She took off her coat and seemed instantly at home. “Great to see you, Emily. How are you?”
Before Emily could get an answer out Laura was over to Collin. “Go sit by your new bride there handsome and I’ll help Joni finish up. Sorry we’re late Joni, my mother never wants to let us leave. It was all we could do to keep her from feeding us before we came.”
“No problem girl. It’s all just about ready. Can you just give the peas a quick stir there? The potatoes won’t be long.”
And suddenly the room was full of people and conversation and soon the food was arriving on the table. Glasses were filled with wine as everyone talked over each other. The children were fixed small plates first and settled in, Owen sitting happily on his grandfather’s lap, and Leah insisting on sitting in between Collin and Emily.
“Where’s Robert?” Laura asked, before anyone could actually begin to eat.
“He’ll be along. There’s no need to hold the meal,” Joni insisted.
“But daddy,” Leah protested.
“Your father knew what time we were eating. It’s his own fault he’s late. There’ll be plenty left for him when he gets here.” The explanation was more for everyone else in the room than Leah. Joni started dishing things up leaving no room for discussion and seeing the look on her face everybody followed suit.
“Any word from Paul?” Kevin asked, before shoving in a mouthful of bread.
“He’s not sure when he’ll be back to visit,” Joseph said with the closest thing to a troubled look Emily had ever seen on his face.
“I think he’s got a girl,” Joni added. “He doesn’t seem ready to spend a weekend away from her yet.”
“Good for him,” Laura’s soft smile and dimples appeared. “This is delicious Joni.”
“Yes it is,” Emily agreed heartily, but her voice was drowned out by Kevin.
“As long as he doesn’t forget to study,” Kevin said. “Pass some more potatoes please.”
“And how’s business going?” Joseph asked.
“Same as always,” Collin said casually. “Why doesn’t my gravy ever turn out as nice as yours?” He winked at Joni.
Kevin directed a look of disapproval at his brother. “What do you mean?” Then he turned back to Joseph. “We’re looking into ordering some new items dad. More trendy. People are more willing to try new things these days.”
“Ah, well. It’s probably for the best that I got out of the business when I did. I wouldn’t know what trendy is.”
“And how’s Uncle Pat? You’ve been away visiting him a lot lately,” Joni moved to take Owen into her arms so her father could eat his meal.
“Good. Good,” Joseph said without any elaboration.
It was all Emily could do to keep up with it all. The food was still in motion being passed around the table and she felt like she was watching a game of tennis as her head swung back and forth trying to keep up with the conversation.
Before long plates were being cleared and desert was being brought out and Emily still hadn’t gotten a word in herself, except when asked a direct question.
“I bought an apple tart and ice cream,” Joseph said pointing towards the refrigerator.
“Sit down Joni. I’ll get it.” Laura was out of her seat.
Emily cursed herself silently for not thinking to jump up and do it herself. She decided she’d make a point of doing the dishes instead.
Laura and Kevin left shortly after desert, they’d promised to baby-sit two of Laura’s nieces, and Joseph went in with the kids to watch the movie.
“It’s meant to put the kids to sleep but I have a feeling he’ll be the first one out.”
Emily was quick on piling up the dishes and positioning herself at the sink.
“I’ll get those Emily,” Joni said after lighting up a cigarette. She didn’t smoke as much as Collin, and she never smoked in front of the kids, but she felt she was entitled after all the work of the meal.
“It’s no problem. Sit down and relax.”
Collin lit up a cigarette as well, motioning for Joni to stay put. The room fell into a comfortable silence and Emily allowed herself a content smile. It had gone well.
“So do you think it’ll be long before Kevin pops the question?” Collin asked.
Joni tapped her cigarette against the ashtray rhythmically. “I’d say he’ll have to come up with something really romantic. Laura wouldn’t have it any other way.”
“He adores her.”
“The third one to fall,” Joni said.
Collin gave her a disapproving look.
“I know,” she conceded. “She’s a sweetheart. They’re perfect together. And I’d lose out on a babysitter if they ever broke up.”
“That’s my sister. Always looking out for the benefit of others,” Collin joked.
Even when the room fell silent it seemed to Emily it radiated warmth.
“Have you noticed anything weird about Dad lately?” Joni asked after a while. Her shoulders had stooped over and the ash of her second cigarette was growing longer and longer without her taking any notice of it.
“Wha’d’ya mean?” Collin asked refilling their wine glasses.
“I mean he really is visiting Uncle Pat a lot lately. But whenever I ask him about it he goes quiet.”
“Maybe Uncle Pat isn’t doing so well and Dad doesn’t want to tell us.”
“No. He’d tell us. He knows better than to keep quiet about things like that.”
“Maybe there’s nothing to tell.”
Joni grunted in disgust. “Men.”
“What?” Collin was amused.
“You don’t think it’s odd that all of a sudden Dad’s spending four days at a time with a brother he used to see once every six months?”
“Joni he’s retired. Maybe he doesn’t like spending all his time hanging around an empty house. I’m sure it just makes him miss mam that much more.”
Joni nodded. “Well at least that’s a reasonable response.”
Collin chuckled. “I’ve spent too much time under your wing Joni. You want me to be able to sit down and have a nice long girl talk. Do you know what kind of reputation I’d get if I did that? Besides, men just don’t see things the same way. I mean does it really matter why he’s spending so much time with Uncle Pat as long as he’s happy.”
“That’s right, try and look macho in front of the wife. I know you worry about him as much as I do.”
Emily used a soapy hand to lift her glass of wine to her mouth. “He always seems happy to me.”
Joni and Collin shook their heads simultaneously with the same look on their faces. “He was just so much in love with our mam. He only held it together because of us when she died. Growing old without her in this house . . . .” Collin let it trail off.
The door opened then and Robert walked in. “Sorry I’m late. It took longer than we thought.” He smiled around the room until his eyes met Joni’s. Then the smile dropped.
“Sit down. I’ll fix you a plate. Although Emily just finished washing all the ware,” Joni’s body language spoke volumes.
“That’s okay.” Emily dried one and handed it over.
“It would’ve been nice if you’d been here to eat with the family.”
“Joni I didn’t know it would take that long.”
The mood in the room changed and Collin quickly came up with an excuse to leave.
“So do you think I’ll be part of all of that one day?” Emily asked. They had taken a cab up, but since it wasn’t too far and the weather was mild they decided to walk home.
“You’re part of it now,” Collin said insistently.
Emily smirked up at him. “I didn’t mean it like that Collin, calm down. I’m not trying to start another argument. I meant do you think I’ll be joining in the conversation like that. I felt like part of it, but it all moves so fast. It’s hard to get a word in. And when things really get going and everyone’s drinking I still have trouble understanding the accent sometimes.”
“Oh.” Collin’s shoulder’s relaxed. It wasn’t going to be another big conversation about his culture verses hers. “Of course you will. Laura wasn’t like that in the beginning. It’s just about spending time with them.”
Emily laughed. “It’s almost like a game. You have to get into the pattern of it if you’re going to get a word in.”
Collin looked down at Emily his eyes narrowing in fascination. “You’re funny, ya know. The way you notice everything. The way you see things . . . . I like it.”
Emily swung her arms loosely, enjoying a moment of carefree happiness. “Good.”
Chapter 5
Emily pulled herself from sleep as Collin passed in and out of the room in various stages of dress. She watched his transformation from her groggy husband in boxers to an almost alert businessman standing fully clothed and shaved before her. And all the while the room stayed dark and cold.
“I’ll have coffee with you.” She threw the covers off knowing if she didn’t get up in one quick motion it wouldn’t happen at all.
“You don’t have to, y’know. You can sleep in,” his voice was flat and tired.
The chill hit and her resolve faltered. But she knew if she fell back to sleep she’d never want to get up. It was better to leave the bed while she had a reason. “No. No. The bed’s lonely without you. I’ll get up,” she mumbled the words.
“I’ll get the coffee ready.”
The October sky was grey and uninviting. The bright light of the kitchen seemed an odd contrast to the world outside the window. Emily sat in her pajamas and slippers while Collin sat in his suit at the kitchen table.
“What’re you going to do today?” Collin asked.
The question rose up to face her and Emily stared blankly back at him. She knew he was just making conversation, but the fact that she had no answer was unnerving. There was absolutely nothing she had to do. No schedule to follow, no work to go to. She could do whatever she wanted. She found that freedom exhilarating and intimidating in equal measure.
Collin sensed her grow uncomfortable and tried a laugh to help her relax. “Sure, you’re barely awake. I s’pose you haven’t decided yet.”
Emily stared back, her eyes fuzzy and unfocused. “Yeah.”
Collin lit up a cigarette, his first of the day. He stared down at his coffee, his mouth a grim straight line, his movements slow and heavy. He could get up at the same time without a bother on the weekend, but whenever Monday came around it was a different story.
In his head he tried to continue the conversation, to reassure Emily that everything would be fine, that she would find her place and eventually feel she fit in. But his brain wasn’t up to full functioning capacity and he couldn’t find the right words and he didn’t want to attempt a conversation that might upset her more.
They sat in silence drinking their coffee until Collin stood to go.
“I better be off.”
“Okay. Have a good day.”
He leaned over to kiss her, his breath smelling of coffee and cigarettes. Then he headed out the door.
Emily stayed where she was with her back to him. She heard the thud that signified he was gone. She pictured him lighting up another cigarette as soon as he was in the car. And then she felt the silence in the room. If she listened closely she could hear the wind outside and the hint of drizzle in the air. But she didn’t want to listen that closely.
For a moment she closed her eyes and was reminded of cold mornings in Minnesota. Some days her mom and aunt both left the house by six a.m. leaving her and Jeremy to get ready and get the bus on their own. The first sound she would hear in the dark still house was the alarm going off in Jeremy’s room. Then she would wait for the second most important sound, the faint click of the heating and the even fainter sound of warm air being pushed into the room. It was followed by a light dusty smell. Then she’d hop straight from her bed to the vent on the floor. Huddling over it she’d pull her nightshirt over her knees and create a little teepee of heat. She’d sit there until Jeremy wandered sleepily over to turn on her light switch for her. Peeking over her bed she’d squint through the brightness to manage an almost-smile as he disappeared into the bathroom. Then she’d pull on the clothes she’d set out for herself the night before. There could be no chance of them being late as there was no one to drive them to school. Her mother was firm on that point.
“Do you remember those days Jeremy? The mounds and mounds of white snow? And the way your nose hairs would freeze with your first breath of cold air? And you would make me Quaker instant oatmeal for breakfast.”
He was there again, standing in front of the sliding glass door, looking out on Ireland.
Emily’s hands came up, hiding her face as she rubbed at her eyes. “I changed my routine completely after you died. I got up and went straight for the shower. The thought of the hot water caressing me was the only thing that could get me out of bed. For years I couldn’t even swallow oatmeal. Every time I put a bite in my mouth this lump would form in my throat and eventually I’d just spit it out.”
Emily laid her head on the table. “So this is Ireland. Melancholy fucking place,” and she tried a laugh. “Up, up, Emily, or this is where your husband will find you at six o’clock this evening.”
But she stayed where she was, her head a weight too heavy to lift.
“Mom tried to make me oatmeal. Real oatmeal, not instant, with cinnamon and raisins. And I refused to eat it. I forgot about that.”
From where she sat, head flat, Emily could see the phone. She could picture herself picking it up and calling. She could hear her mother’s voice. But she couldn’t think of what she would say.
She pushed herself away from the table and stood. It was an unsure movement that eventually carried her around the house. She looked at the plants she and Collin had recently bought, touching the leaves gently. She looked at their bookshelves already lined with neat rows of books. And she looked at their warm cozy blankets, her eyes lingering as she considered the fireplace. Then without any intention of doing so she moved to the window and her finger slowly pulled back the curtain.
She found herself peaking out onto grey cement sidewalks and grey cement streets and grey cement houses. “Shit.” Her tone changed halfway through the word. Something else had caught her eye, the bright colors of tree leaves beginning to change. Fall had always been her favorite season.
“The outside world awaits.” She hoped the words would give her courage but she still felt flat inside. Something was missing.
“You’ll come with me.” It was more of a question than a statement, but when she turned her head she knew what she’d find. Jeremy stood ready in jeans, tennis shoes, and his Detroit Lions sweatshirt. An optimistic smile lit his face.
After a quick shower she pulled on jeans, sneakers that marked her out as an American, her new favorite sweater, and a water repellent jacket. She stuck a few of the colorful euros Collin had left on the dresser in her pocket and grabbed her keys. She let the forward motion carry her out the door before she could change her mind.
She was met instantly by an onset of nasty weather. In minutes her face was dripping wet though it wasn’t rain but something between a heavy mist and a drizzle that hung in the air. She pulled her jacket closer and trudged on. Head down, she made her way to the footbridge and started across the River Lee. The tide was out and when she looked to her left the water was low revealing a shopping trolley as well as other pieces of rubbish resting in the riverbed. But when she looked to the right she could see the water flowing in a full stream, tumbling over rocks and making its way to the sea. She stopped, leaning up against the railing to watch it.
She hadn’t seen it happen. Jeremy had decided to be a counselor at a summer camp at the age of seventeen. She was twelve and having a boring summer at home. She spent her time reading books he’d left her and wishing he were around to discuss them.
She remembered the sound of the ringing phone. She was lying on the floor in the living room. She could picture it exactly. The sun was shining in on her. It was when they still had the cream colored carpeting she wasn’t allowed to wear shoes on. She had vacuumed that morning as part of her chores and it seemed perfectly inviting. She had a book open in front of her and she was happy. Her mother called for her to answer it, but she wanted to finish the paragraph.
“Thanks a lot Emily,” her mom said with heavy sarcasm as she picked up the phone herself.
Emily remembered finishing the page and looking up to see shock on her mother’s face and then tears. Without being told she knew something had happened to Jeremy. But she hadn’t expected it to be so bad.
Jeremy was dead. He’d drowned saving a child’s life. And Emily’s world was turned upside down forever.
For months on end she had nightmares about it. She could see him going under, see him reaching out, see the panic on his face, and she couldn’t help him. She woke up screaming almost every night.
Her mother eventually sent her to a therapist, a kind lady who gradually helped Emily through most of the stages of grief. She even helped Emily over her new fear of water. Emily told her that sometimes she still talked to Jeremy, that she still felt him with her. She asked if that made her crazy. Her therapist told her it was a perfectly natural reaction and nothing she should worry about. But her mother couldn’t afford to keep paying for the sessions. Emily had to stop going. When she didn’t have the therapist to talk to anymore her conversations with Jeremy became more frequent.
Emily pushed herself away from the railing and picked up her pace. She passed the Mercy Hospital where two women in bathrobes stood outside smoking cigarettes. Taking a right she headed out towards the college and one of the straightest stretches of street in Cork. It opened up as she walked. Moving away from the city center the traffic became quiet. She continued on deciding to go to the park.
“What’re you doing?” She could hear the amusement in his voice and it annoyed her.
“Going for a walk,” Emily answered defensively. She was already beginning to feel foolish. Maybe this hadn’t been the best idea.
“You’re getting soaked.”
“So.”
“So, as a figment of your imagination you can’t see that my pants would be soaked up to the knees by now and my hair would be a dripping mess. But looking at you is another story.”
“I have a hood on. My hair’s fine.”
“What’re you trying to prove Emily?”
“That I can get on in Ireland.” She heard the determination and frustration in her voice.
“Yeah, ‘cause you’re really blending in right now. If you hadn’t noticed you’re the only one stupid enough to be walking to the park in the rain.”
“Well then where should I go?!” Emily stopped and squared her shoulders to the empty air beside her.
“To a pub like any normal Irish person.”
“But I can’t take you with me to a pub. You don’t drink and I can’t talk to you there.”
“Then don’t!”
Emily turned around angrily and started walking back in the direction she’d come from. “I just wanted some company. Why do you always have to be such a pain in the ass?”
Jeremy started laughing. “Then find some company, some living and breathing company. And stop looking at me like that,” his tone grew harder. “This is all you Emily. Every single word coming out of my mouth is you, not me. You know all of it. So go sit in a pub where you can have a drink and contemplate in your head like a normal person instead of out loud in the rain to a ghost.”
Emily began to picture the day her new family finally figured out just how crazy she was. How long would it be before they dragged her kicking and screaming to the airport sending her back to her own country? It wasn’t a pretty visual.
-
Collin sat in the office taking his lunch break. Kevin had invited him to go across the street to a little Italian restaurant but Collin wasn’t up to it. He’d considered going home to surprise Emily but found he wasn’t up to that either. He was moody and he didn’t like it.
He had hoped once Emily was settled into the house everything would proceed nicely. He pictured everything falling perfectly into place. Emily would fall in love with Cork and things like going to the English Market, or for walks in the park, or meeting some friends for afternoon pints. He thought maybe she’d learn to cook and eventually they’d plant a garden. Maybe she’d get a job or not, he didn’t care as long as she was happy. He pictured himself not minding work so much because he’d be content knowing he was going home to her. The whole scene had a nice rosy glow to it.
Of course that was all a load of shite. Instead he found that Emily’s mood, which had always been light and upbeat before, was becoming unpredictable and sometimes dark. She didn’t seem to be venturing out at all. And due to no fault of hers he wasn’t any happier with his job.
Collin stubbed out his cigarette and immediately lit up another. He hated watching Emily struggle. But it was becoming obvious that that’s what she’d be doing for a while. Day to day life was so much different for her. She couldn’t be expected to acclimate over night. And she was the type to notice all the little differences, to really take them in and feel them. And, while on the Aran Islands that had seemed bewitching and romantic, in day-to-day life it was sometimes a pain in the ass. But what made it worse was that she was the one in their relationship who made sure they talked. She was the one who poked and prodded until Collin told her what was on his mind whether he wanted to or not. With the shoe suddenly on the other foot he didn’t know what to say. She was so sensitive it was hard to approach her sometimes. The prospect of going home to find her sitting bored and unhappy on the couch was something he just didn’t want to deal with.
Collin picked at the sandwich and crisps he’d bought on the way into work without tasting them. Joni had warned him that married life would be harder than he thought. That he had no idea what he was getting into. That being with someone from a different culture would present more difficulties than he could imagine. And he had fought back every step of the way saying that she didn’t understand, that Emily was the one, and that things would be different for them.