Annie pulled into a large parking lot. The car’s headlights skipped over the entrance of a park.
Before Drew found the right words, Annie opened the door and got out of the car.
Drew followed. She kept a respectful distance as they wandered past groves of cedars, palms, redwoods, and oak trees. Darkness had fallen, but the moon and streetlamps provided enough light. A family was packing up the remnants of a picnic near a barbecue pit, and up ahead, a man walked his dog, but other than that, it seemed as if they were alone in the large park.
They strolled across a rolling lawn until they stopped at the curved shore of a lily pond. Lights reflected off the water. Tall trees stretched their canopies across the pond and gave Drew the feeling of being shut off from the rest of the world, with just the moonlight shining down on them.
A wooden bridge linked the pond to another one. Annie stepped onto the bridge and stopped in the middle. She stood with her hands stuffed into her coat pockets. Her head was turned away from Drew as she stared into the dark water. The wind picked up, rippling the water and throwing blond strands into Annie’s face.
Say something,
Drew mentally urged Annie. But of course, Drew didn’t say it out loud, knowing she shouldn’t rush Annie. Still she longed for a reassuring word.
Annie moved her head to watch a pair of ducks paddling on the water. “As a child, I used to come here when I wanted to be alone.” She spoke quietly, still watching the ducks.
Drew studied Annie.
Does she want to be alone now?
Was she distancing herself from Drew? And if Drew let her, would Annie eventually be back and open up or would Drew lose her forever? Despite her fear, Drew decided to give Annie a way out. “Do you ...” She paused to clear her throat. “Do you want to be alone now?”
Slowly, Annie turned toward Drew. The moonlight threw flickering shadows across her face. “No,” she said. “I don’t want to be alone. I’m just not sure if I can ...” She paused to gnaw on the inside of her cheek.
“We don’t need to do or talk about anything you’re not comfortable with,” Drew said. She longed to find out what was going on in Annie’s head. Not knowing was killing her, but maybe the onslaught of emotions she heard in Annie’s voice was too much for Annie right now. “We can just stay here and watch the ducks for a while, if that’s what you want.” She dug her nails into her palms.
Oh, please, don’t say yes.
Annie turned toward the pond.
After a moment, Drew stepped next to her. Side by side, they leaned against the bridge’s wooden railing. They stood so close that Drew could feel Annie’s warmth. With a flutter in her belly, she peeked up and tried to make eye contact, but Annie was looking at the pond. Drew followed her gaze.
The two ducks paddled closer, probably to see if there was any bread for them. The male stayed farther back while the female was more daring, coming close to the bridge.
Drew hoped that it was the same with humans and that Annie would find the courage to talk about what was going on with her.
“This feels so surreal,” Annie murmured.
“What?” Drew tried to keep her voice soft and calm, despite her tension.
“Everything looks the same as it did when I was a child.” Annie swept her arm across the pond and the rest of the park. Her voice was so low that Drew had to strain to hear her over the wind and the quacking of the ducks. She leaned closer until their arms brushed. “How can that be when I feel so ... so different?” At the last word, Annie’s voice became louder, more desperate.
“You’re going through a lot of changes right now,” Drew said, making her tone as soothing as she could. It wasn’t easy since she was bursting with emotion. “Telling Jake off and calling your parents on the carpet for their self-centeredness ... that took a lot of courage. I was holding my breath the whole time, totally in awe of this new Annie.” She paused and then added, “Don’t misunderstand me. It’s not that I don’t lo—” Drew stopped herself midword and bit her lip. “—like the old Annie. I do. It’s just that it’s wonderful to see you grow and stand up for yourself and—”
“Drew?”
Drew exhaled. “Yes?”
A hint of a smile ghosted over Annie’s face. “You’re babbling.”
Drew’s jaw snapped shut.
Good going. You’re supposed to help her calm down, not babble like a nervous idiot.
“Sorry.”
“No. Don’t be sorry. It’s good to know I’m not the only one.”
Her heart beat a nervous staccato against Drew’s ribs. “The only one who ...?”
“The only one who’s nervous. The only one who ...” Annie pulled one hand from her coat pocket and slid it into the pocket of her pants. Then she breathed in sharply. “Drew, I ...” She blew out a breath. “I still have this.”
A touch of Annie’s hand compelled Drew to open her fingers. Something smooth slid into her hand. When she looked down, faint light glinted on the milky white surface of a moonstone.
Is this the one I gave her on the beach?
She squinted down at it. The swirling patterns looked familiar. Drew rubbed her cold fingers over the stone that was warm from Annie’s body heat. “You kept it?” she whispered. She didn’t dare believe that it meant what she wanted it to mean.
Annie stared at the wooden bridge beneath her feet and nodded. “Normally, I’m not into sentimental trinkets like this.”
“I know.” Drew hadn’t seen any objects of sentimental value in Annie’s apartment. “I thought you left it on the beach.”
“I wanted to.” Annie looked back up. Her gaze met Drew’s before it veered away again. “But something made me put it in my pocket.”
“Something?” Drew’s voice vibrated with tension and hope.
With one finger, Annie touched the moonstone on Drew’s open palm as if drawing strength from it. “I think I might have ...” She looked from the stone to Drew’s face. “I have feelings for you.”
The words made Drew’s heart stutter and then start to beat double-time.
Oh, God, yes!
She wanted to shout out her joy, but she cautioned herself, afraid to let herself believe, just to be disappointed.
Maybe she’s just reacting to the stress of tricking Jake.
“Feelings?”
“Romantic feelings,” Annie whispered.
Drew swallowed. “Are you sure this isn’t just a side effect of trying to make Jake believe we’re a couple?”
“Side effect?” A line appeared between Annie’s brows. She stared at Drew with a not-very-pleased glint in her eyes. “I might not be very experienced when it comes to love and relationships, but I’m not a child. I know my own feelings.”
Drew flinched.
Ouch.
“No, you ... That’s not what I’m saying,” she hastened to say. “I’m not belittling your feelings the way Jake and your parents do.” After a quick, soothing touch to Annie’s arm, she retreated. “This isn’t about the experiences you have or don’t have. But sometimes it’s easy to get confused. I went through the same thing. It was hard to figure out if I’m just interested in you because I have trouble separating reality from the role of pretending to be your girlfriend.”
“So?” Annie searched Drew’s face. “Did you figure it out?”
This time, it was Drew who had trouble holding Annie’s gaze.
Come on. Tell her. Trust her.
“Yes,” she said and felt her breath catch. “For me, it’s more than getting lost in our charade. There’s something about you that fascinated me from the first moment I saw you.” In her mind’s eye, she saw Annie nearly dropping a tray full of glasses. She shook off the smile the memory put on her face. “But I’m a lesbian. Being attracted to women is normal for me. But you ...”
“I don’t know what I am or what this,” Annie pointed back and forth between them, “is. Your side-effect theory ... I clung to it for a while. I tried to convince myself that it would all go away once we didn’t have to pretend for Jake’s sake anymore.”
Drew stopped breathing. “And?”
Annie’s lips curled into a half-smile. “No such luck.” She patted her chest. “I don’t think this will go away anytime soon.” She lowered her voice to a whisper and added, “If ever.”
Weak-kneed, Drew sucked in a lungful of air. “Does that mean…?”
“Mean?”
The confused, helpless look in Annie’s eyes made Drew want to take back the question and avoid anything that put pressure on Annie, but she was risking her heart and needed answers—even if she was afraid of them. It was better to be hurt now than to invest her whole heart and have it broken later. She curled her hand around the moonstone. “I have to be honest here, Annie. I’m not up for being a straight girl’s experiment.” Back in college, she hadn’t minded, but with Annie, it would rip out her heart.
“Experiment?” Annie shook her head. “I’m not the experimenting type. You know that. I would never confess my feelings for you if I wasn’t serious.”
“You might be serious about it now,” Drew said and sighed, “but will you still feel the same when strangers stare at you just for holding my hand? Will you still feel that way if you meet an attractive man who treats you well ... or a woman?” After all, most women didn’t stay with their first female lover. The more Drew thought about it, the more insecure she became.
Annie hung her head, looked at the dark waters, and mumbled, “You don’t have to be polite. This isn’t really about me changing my mind, is it? This is about you changing yours.”
Drew tugged her around so she could see her face in the moonlight. “What do you mean? Why would I change my mind?”
A twig splashed into the water when Annie kicked at it. “You could have women that are so much more interesting than I. Lynn, for example.”
“Hey.” Drew tapped Annie’s cold nose. “What did I tell you about negative assumptions about yourself? I’m not interested in Lynn.”
“Really?”
“Yes. My relationship with Lynn was over a long time ago and we’ll never get back together, no matter how much Lynn wants to pretend otherwise.” Drew caressed Annie’s cheek with the back of her index finger. “I’m much more interested in you than I ever was in Lynn. That’s why I’m so worried that other lesbians will find you interesting too.”
In the moonlight, Annie’s face looked ghostly pale. “I don’t know what I’ll feel in the future, Drew.” The corners of her mouth twitched, forming a self-deprecating smile. “I barely know what I’m feeling right now. I’m not pretending that this isn’t hard for me or that I’m not confused and insecure. I haven’t been interested in anyone in a long time—and now it’s happening with a woman. That’s a shock. A big shock.” She closed her eyes. Her shoulders heaved as she breathed in and out. Then she opened her eyes again. “I know it won’t always be easy, but I’m serious about wanting to try.”
The words made Drew giddy. Even as she had slowly fallen in love with Annie over the last few weeks, she had never allowed herself to think they might have a future together, and now she didn’t trust her luck. The doubts and fears within Drew refused to settle down. “That’s just it, Annie. There is no trying. We’re no longer pretending. There are real people involved, real emotions.”
“I know.” Annie lowered her gaze and added in a whisper, “I feel them.”
For a moment, Annie’s shy confession robbed Drew of speech. She knew Annie usually didn’t talk about her feelings so freely. Waves of joy rushed through her. She wanted to wrap her arms around Annie and twirl her around until they were both dizzy, then kiss her until they became dizzy again. But she couldn’t give in to her feelings without making sure she wouldn’t get hurt—or worse, hurt Annie. “What if you find out that being with a woman ... being with me isn’t what you want?” What if she allowed herself to fall head-over-heels in love with Annie, only to have Annie break it off?
What if?
Inwardly, Drew rolled her eyes at herself.
Girl, you’ve been a goner for weeks.
“I can’t give you any guarantees.”
At first, Annie’s sober response made Drew flinch. That sure wasn’t the promise of a happily-ever-after a prospective lover wanted to hear. But then she had to smile. Annie’s down-to-earth attitude was part of what she loved about her.
“Do you remember what you kept telling me from the first day we met?” Annie asked.
Drew’s thoughts raced. During the last eight weeks, she had told Annie so many things. Her head was spinning, so she clung to the first funny comment that came to mind. “That I already own a toaster oven?” She sent Annie a rakish grin. “You know, I wouldn’t mind earning another one.”
“No.” Annie’s lips twitched with a half-grin of her own. She gently pinched Drew’s upper arm, nearly making her drop the moonstone. “You told me that I shouldn’t enter relationships with negative assumptions. Now I’m trying to take your advice. If I let myself focus on all the things that could go wrong ...” She squeezed her eyes shut and then opened them again. “I would make myself crazy. For once, I think maybe I should just hope for the best instead of being afraid of messing things up. No more letting myself be ruled by negative assumptions.”
Drew smiled. “Beating me with my own words, hmm? Is that what I have to look forward to?”
Annie lifted her chin and looked directly into Drew’s eyes. “If you’re willing to take a chance.”