William braced for even worse—his father offering a high-five or a fist bump. Thank goodness then that Kelly initiated a formal handshake.
“Dad, this is Kelly.” William said, making the introductions. “Kelly, this is my dad.”
“Hey man, how’s it going?” Lewis said, grinning proudly. “What do you think of the car?”
“Very sexy,” Kelly replied generously. “Is it new?”
“Just got it last week! Not sure what the point is, because now I’m working overtime every night.”
“Then you should let me have it,” William tried.
“Not a chance.” His father hopped from foot to foot, pretending to box with him. Maybe this wasn’t a midlife crisis but a new habit. William squinted, looking for signs of white powder around the nostrils as his father continued speaking. “You staying for dinner, Kelly?”
William felt a surge of panic. What if Kelly was just as unabashedly gay around his parents? The offer was declined, and William found himself being pulled toward the house, his father having wrapped an arm around his shoulders.
“What’s gotten into you lately?” William laughed, sparing one glance back to see Kelly pulling out of the driveway.
“I’m happy,” Lewis responded.
“Because of the new car?”
“Because of everything.” His father released him to open the door. “Life begins at forty. Just you wait and see!”
His upbeat mood was contagious, although Kate didn’t seem as pleased when her husband kissed her. In fact, she appeared hurt.
William didn’t understand this or anything about their relationship lately. “Do you need help?” he asked, crouching to peer through the oven window at sizzling cheese and noodles that were browning around the edges. “Lasagna!” he cried happily. “You’re the best!”
This seemed to cheer his mother up. He made it his goal to keep the vibes positive during dinner. He asked his parents questions, stoking conversation, and soon they were both telling a story about how William had gotten lost at a shopping mall when he was young and had been found an hour later, sleeping in one of the racks of clothes. Everything felt fine again.
Externally.
Later in the evening, when the house grew quiet, William found himself unable to sleep. He had stripped down to his underwear and kicked off the sheets, but he still felt hot, like he was coming down with a fever. His mind kept returning to Kelly and the different guises he wore. Aggressive athlete, rejected friend, lonely outsider, and rarest of all, happy homosexual. William wondered if that’s what being gay was like. Conflict with very little payoff. There had to be other benefits. He wondered if Kelly had ever been with another man, or was sleeping next to one now. William grabbed his extra pillow and clutched it to his chest. As he drifted off, he pretended it was another person. Man or woman. Kelly or Lily. Temptation or salvation.
Chapter Three
School the next day was frustrating. William couldn’t concentrate on his classes as each hour crawled by. Conversation with his friends in the hallways and at lunch revolved around topics that didn’t matter to him. Who had broken up with whom, or who had been kicked off of various reality television programs last night. He wanted to ask questions about Kelly to see what else his friends knew—if anything—but it seemed prudent to hold his tongue. As far as they were concerned, he and Kelly were still enemies.
Was this the beginning of a crush? Or what being in love felt like? William had experienced neither, but surely being able to think of only one person was a symptom. Did he love Kelly? If so, that left little room for doubt about his own sexuality. This concern was still on his mind when William headed out to the parking lot after school. Funny that he had worked so hard to avoid meeting Kelly in this place. Now he could hardly wait, but he was equally apprehensive. Kelly didn’t appear happy either. From the outside, anyone would assume they were meeting so they could attend a funeral.
Then Kelly smiled, and William found himself doing the same, remembering how much fun it had been yesterday when they had hung out in his room. That’s all the afternoon had to be. They were going to run together. Kelly was dressed for the occasion, wearing a charcoal tank top and purple basketball shorts.
“We’re really going to do this,” William said. “No more excuses, right?”
Kelly smirked and unlocked the car. “Only one way to find out. I might drive you to the middle of nowhere and leave you there, eliminating the competition.”
William opened the passenger-side door. “Anything to win that race, huh?”
“You know it!”
Once they were on the road, William found one of his legs bouncing up and down, but not out of nervousness. “I skipped my usual swimming routine this morning,” he said. “I didn’t even bike to school.”
“Saving your strength?” Kelly asked.
“I slept late, that’s all.”
“And you forgot to set your alarm?”
William chuckled. “On purpose. Do you ever do that? Pretend you don’t know what you’re actually doing?”
“Sounds like you’ve mastered self-denial,” Kelly murmured.
William coughed, not wanting to travel down that path. “I figured I deserved a break. I always rewarded myself in little ways when I was first starting out. I’d keep a candy bar in my backpack and only let myself have it if I did enough laps. Or for the bigger goals, I’d uh… order things off eBay.”
“More Transformers?” Kelly asked.
“They aren’t all from my childhood,” William said with an embarrassed chuckle. “What about you? Do you collect anything?”
“Photographs,” Kelly said, still focused on his driving.
“Oh. Like old photos you find places, or ones by professionals?”
“Both.”
“Do you ever take your own?”
“Yes.”
“Cool.” William shifted uncomfortably. Kelly’s responses were short. Maybe he was annoyed by people who talked too much. William tried being quiet to see if Kelly had something else he would rather discuss, but evidently he didn’t, because they traveled to their destination in silence. The park was secluded. No other cars filled the parking spaces. Kelly didn’t seem in a hurry either. He turned off the engine but didn’t move to leave the car.
“Nice.” William leaned forward to get a better view of the green outside. When Kelly didn’t respond, he added, “Very nice.”
“It is,” Kelly said, his voice a little husky. “Secluded too. It’s just you and me out here.”
William felt a jolt of panic.
That’s
why they had driven so far?
“Easy now. That wasn’t a pickup line. I only mean we have privacy to talk.”
Oh. Kelly was suggesting they pick up the conversation where it had left off yesterday. William laughed at his own presumptions, then grew serious, because he still wasn’t ready to have that conversation. He’d rather run.
“I knew you were all talk. About being so fast, I mean.”
Kelly smirked. “Okay. If that’s how it’s going to be, let’s go.”
William was first out of the car, hopping from foot to foot in anticipation. “So how do you want to do this?” he asked. “Should we race or take turns or—”
“Just run,” Kelly said. Then he took off toward the nearest path.
William laughed happily and raced to catch up, which was easy because Kelly wasn’t so fast. A mowed field dotted with park benches gave way to woods when the path narrowed, forcing them together. William tried to match Kelly’s rhythm, the sound of their feet beating along the pavement in perfect unison. His body warmed up, his muscles loosened, and while he still found the pavement jarring as his feet made contact, this wasn’t so different from swimming. Heck, it was almost relaxing!
“Ready to start running?” Kelly asked.
“Huh?” William replied. “I thought we already were.”
Kelly laughed. Then he nodded toward the distance. “See the light ahead? That’s a clearing. I’ll race you there. Give it everything you’ve got. Ready?”
“Ready.”
“Go!”
William drew on all of his strength, letting muscle drive him forward. This didn’t result in a satisfying burst of speed the way it would have in the water, but he already had a lead on Kelly. So much for all his bragging and boasting! Kelly wasn’t any faster than—
A burst of air ruffled his clothes. William’s eyes and mouth widened in surprise. Kelly was ahead of him, not by just a few steps or feet, but yards. William tried to run faster but was already maxed out. Kelly continued to pull ahead and disappeared around the trees ahead.
William kept chugging along, feeling like a semi-truck that had challenged a Porsche to a race. When he reached the clearing, Kelly was sitting on a picnic table, casually inspecting his nails. What a show off!
“Holy shit,” William said, leaning on the table for support as he tried to catch his breath. “You’re like the Flash!”
“And you’re like Aquaman,” Kelly replied. “Out of your element.”
William looked up, shook his head, and grinned. “Tomorrow. You and me at the YMCA. Then we’ll see who’s out of his element.”
Kelly shrugged. “It’s a deal, although not in the morning. I hate getting up early. After school?”
William nodded. “After school. Every day. We’ll keep switching back and forth, teaching each other our tricks. You show me yours, I’ll show you mine. That way we’re on even footing for the triathlon.”
“Agreed.” A cloud passed over Kelly’s features. “Frankly, I don’t care who wins as long as it isn’t Jared.”
“Still pissed at him?”
“Yeah. Want to know why?”
William nodded.
Kelly scowled. “He said it was bad enough that I’m black without being gay too.”
“He said that? What an asshole!”
“I know. As if I have a choice. I can’t change my skin color
or
who I love.”
“I wanted to talk to you about that.”
Kelly raised an eyebrow. “You want to be a black man?”
William laughed. “No, but for the record, I think it’s cool. That you’re black, I mean. Wait, is that racist?”
“Probably, but I’m flattered and willing to forgive you. So it’s the other thing you’re worried about?”
William looked away. “Yeah.”
He heard leaves being brushed off the table, and when he looked, Kelly was patting the cleared spot in invitation. “Come tell me about it.”
William climbed onto the table, his feet on the bench. He hunched over to stare at them so he wouldn’t have to make eye contact. “So you’re gay.”
“Yup.”
“How did you know?”
For a moment, the only sound was bird song. “Around the time other guys were noticing girls, I starting noticing them noticing girls.” Kelly said this as if it were a joke. How could he be so nonchalant? “It’s all down to attraction. Put me in a room full of supermodels with guys on one side and girls on the other, and I know which direction I’ll be looking.”
“But have you ever looked at girls too?” William asked.
“Sure. I’ve done more than just look, because all of this is confusing. If you like vanilla ice cream but everyone else eats chocolate, eventually you’re going to give chocolate a try. So, uh, which flavor do you like?”
“Strawberry,” William said distractedly, because he was feeling hopeful. He turned to Kelly. “So if you’ve looked at girls before, do you think it’s normal that guys sometimes check out other guys?”
Kelly nodded. “Absolutely. Even if it’s just to compare size in the locker room, or figure out how they stack up in other ways. But that’s not the same as attraction.”
“But it’s normal,” William pressed.
Kelly’s tones were patient. “All of this is normal. Yes.”
“Good.” William breathed out in relief. “I scope out a lot of guys in the hall. I don’t during swim practice because that would be creepy, but I’m always looking around. I make myself look at girls too, and I know everything works in that regard.”
“Wait, what?”
“You know.” He made sure they were still alone. “Have you ever jacked off?”
“Once or twice,” Kelly deadpanned. “Are you kidding me? I’m a pro! I’m probably nearing a world record by now.”
“Oh.” He filed that image away for later. “Well, I can jack off while looking at nude women. Everything works down there, if you know what I mean.”
“A demonstration might help,” Kelly said, nudging William playfully. “And for the record, the gay youth group I go to has plenty of guys who lost their virginity to a girl but still identify as gay.”
That wasn’t welcome news. “But how can they sleep with a girl if they’re really gay? How can they even get it up?”
Kelly shrugged. “Hormones are hormones. Tell anyone this and I’ll kill you, but I once jacked off to Aladdin.”
“The cartoon?”
Kelly appeared defensive. “Yeah. I was thirteen and clueless, okay? Besides, Aladdin is kind of hot. But that doesn’t mean I’m Disneysexual or whatever.”
William laughed. “Yeah, but at least Aladdin is a guy.”
“He’s a two-dimensional drawing of a guy wearing parachute pants, a dopey vest, and a fez. My point is that when we’re horny, all sorts of crazy things can turn us on.”
He had hoped Kelly would provide him with answers, but now William felt more confused than ever. If a wide variety of things turned people on, then how could he figure out if he had a problem or not?
“Returning to my original scenario,” Kelly continued, “say you’re in a room with the hottest guy in the world on your left, and the hottest woman in the world on your right. Which direction are you going to be looking?”
“Is anyone watching me?”
“No. Better yet, you’re invisible. No one can see you no matter what, and the guy and girl are both slowly getting undressed. Which one do you want to see get naked?”
He started to visualize this scenario, imagining a room without windows or doors. Perfect privacy. Then he pictured both models, but it was the guy who was more aggressive, lifting his shirt to reveal a muscled stomach, unbuttoning his jeans to show off the bulge. The poor female model was so ignored that she tossed herself in front of the competition, but it didn’t matter. There was only one person William wanted to watch, and frankly, he wished he and the guy could be alone together. “Fuck.”
“Which one?” Kelly asked.
“The guy,” William spat. “I’d want to watch the guy.”
“Is that so bad?”
Once again Kelly sounded amused. William rounded on him, but it wasn’t fair to remain angry. Kelly didn’t understand the implications. This was more than him worrying about what his parents would think. “I want to join the Coast Guard.” His desire to do so wasn’t just in the hopes of being cured. The Coast Guard had long since been his dream, one that he eventually decided could save him.
“So?” Kelly said. “It’s not like the idea of a gay sailor is anything new.”
“That’s the Navy. I’d be a coastie, and it’s the idea of an openly gay sailor, coastie, soldier, or anything else that’s the problem.”
“Oh. Right.” Kelly breathed out and considered this. “What about Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell? Doesn’t that protect you?”
“Yeah, but only if I live a lie.” William took to his feet, pacing back and forth, old worries finally being spoken aloud. “If I fall in love with some guy, or if someone catches us kissing, or if I even talk about it, I could get kicked out. I can’t exactly go four years without dating anyone. That would raise suspicion too, so I’ll have to get a girlfriend. That’s why I’ve tried a couple times to… you know. I need to figure out if I can do that, if my body will go along with me.”
“Or you could not enlist.”
William looked to Kelly disbelievingly. “What about you? What if gay people weren’t allowed in the Olympics?”
“Okay, that would suck. But I’m in a similar situation. How many openly gay athletes can you name? There aren’t a lot, and I worry about not finding a coach or a sponsor just because of who I am.”