Something Like Winter (55 page)

And he hated himself for
doing it, but he hesitated because he still loved his mother, even
though he often wished he could forget her altogether. He turned
around, noticing how miserable Ben looked. So he put an arm around
him. His mother’s eyes widened.

“
What?” he spat. “What can
you possibly say after all these years? Do you know how lonely I
was growing up, how desperate for attention I was? And when I
figure out the kind of person I need by my side to not feel that
way, you turn your back on me completely. What kind of mother are
you?”

“
We weren’t ready,” his
mother said quickly. “I’m sorry. We weren’t ready for a child, and
I tried, and I thought you had enough. Later I saw other parents
with their children, and I realized how little we gave you. But you
were already older then, too old to start coddling.”

“
It’s never too late. I
don’t need you to coddle me, but you can treat me like I matter to
you.”

His mother took a step
forward. “You
do
matter!”

“
Then why aren’t you a part
of my life?” Her eyes flicked to Ben and back. “I thought if I
brought him here, you would see… I don’t know, that you would
understand. It’s just love. It’s no different.” Tim turned, opening
the door for Ben so they could leave. “If you ever want to be a
part of my life,” he said over his shoulder, “you know where to
find me.”

He thought he heard his
mother crying on his way out, but he could no longer let that
dictate his actions. He had to live his own life, and her tears
were her own doing. She could be laughing right now, cooking up a
meal for them both and congratulating him on finding Ben again. She
was responsible for her own pain. The choice was hers, not
his.

“
I’m sorry,” Ben said as
they walked back to the car.

“
It’s not your fault,” Tim
said.

“
No, I mean for when we
were younger. My parents aren’t like yours. When I came out, they
were worried about my safety. Maybe it took a little time for them
to get used to the idea, but mostly they just had questions. I
naively thought it would be the same for you, the same for
everyone, so I kept pressuring you to come out.”

Tim shook his head. “You
didn’t do anything wrong. Being in the closet didn’t make me happy.
You did. I made the wrong choice. Even when you weren’t around, I
was glad I came out. I spent so long wishing for their approval and
living a lie that it was a relief not to have to try anymore. No
more pretending.”

Ben took his hand. “For
what it’s worth, I’m proud of you.”

Tim sighed. “Maybe your
parents can adopt me.”

“
Want me to
ask?”

“
Yeah. Or I could marry
into the family.”

“
My sister Karen recently
got divorced,” Ben teased.

“
That’s not quite what I
meant. Hey, did you notice when I called you my boyfriend in front
of my parents?”

Ben hesitated.
“Yeah.”

“
You didn’t disagree. That
makes it legal.”

“
Really? Is that a Kansas
law?”

“
Nope. Texas only. I looked
it up.”

“
Okay.”

Tim glanced over at him.
“Okay?”

“
Yeah. Okay. I’ll even let
you take me out to dinner.”

“
One more stop,” Tim said.
“Then I’ll take you anywhere you want to go.”

Once again they drove to a
different neighborhood and parked near one of the bike path
entrances. As they walked, Tim held Ben’s hand with confidence.
Maybe the previous surprises hadn’t been a hit, but Tim was certain
Ben would like this one. They walked down the path together,
entering a stretch where the trees on one side fell away to make
room for a drainage ditch. The grass was speckled with seasonal
yellow. The ditch was just deep enough to cause an injury if
someone fell in—a severely sprained ankle, for instance.

“
Right here,” Tim
said.

Ben shook his head and
pulled on his hand. “A little farther. Trust me, I remember this
one. I had to come back for my Rollerblades.”

Tim let Ben lead him
farther down the path. “This far? Are you sure?”

“
Yup. Right here. See that
rock down there? It’s probably still splattered with your
DNA.”

“
Good,” Tim said. “That way
future generations can clone me.”

Ben laughed, but his face
grew somber as he stared down into the ditch. Was he remembering?
If so, why did he look so damn unhappy? Tim had brought him here to
show how far they had come, that they had started from something
small and could do so again. Maybe Tim needed to take it a step
further.

“
I feel faint,” he said,
groaning dramatically before toppling over and rolling down ditch’s
slope. The keys in his pocket hurt like hell, but this time his
fall was controlled. He managed to stop just before hitting the
rock.

“
Are you crazy?” Ben
shouted after him.

“
No, but I think I jacked
up my ankle again.”

“
Whatever. Get back up
here!”

“
I can’t!” Tim groaned.
“You have to come rescue me.” He stared at the sky until Ben’s head
appeared against the blue and white backdrop. He was smiling. That
was something. Tim extended a hand. “Help me up.”

The second Ben took his
hand, Tim pulled him down on top of him. Ben’s knee landed
dangerously close to his crotch, and the wind was nearly knocked
from him, but he didn’t care. He wrapped his arms tight around Ben,
who squirmed in protest before giving in.

“
You’ll have to let go of
me eventually!” he said.

“
Nope.” Tim shook his head.
“Never again.”

“
What if someone sees us
down here?”

Tim gasped sarcastically.
“Sounds like something I would have said.”

Ben laughed and howled
while trying to fight his way free, and eventually Tim loosened his
grip. When Ben pushed himself up on his elbows, his eyes were wet
from tears. And although the tears had come from laughter, Tim
could still see something sad there.

“
What’s going on?” he said.
“Whatever it is, tell me.”

Ben sighed. “I get what
you’re doing today—taking me around to all these places. And
standing up to your parents like that. That was both horrifying and
wonderful at the same time.”

“
They had it coming,” Tim
said before searching Ben’s eyes again. “So why do I feel like
you’re sad?”

“
These places,” Ben glanced
around them. “I know exactly where you hurt your ankle because I
came back here countless times. After we broke up, I’d walk by here
or your house or even the playground by the lake. You asked if I
ever wished I had a time machine, and the answer is yes. For
months, maybe even years, I wished I could turn back time and stop
that night from happening.”

“
Would you
still?”

Ben rolled over on to his
back. “No. Yes. I don’t know. Part of me wishes we could have been
together our entire lives. The other part knows that if we hadn’t
fallen apart, I never would have met Jace, and I wouldn’t wish that
away. Ever.”

Tim sat up and turned to
face him. “That’s okay. I’ve thought the same thing before. I
regretted leaving you for so long, but if I hadn’t, I wouldn’t have
met Eric. I love him. Not in the same way you love Jace, but I’d
hate to have never met him. Maybe I would have anyway, except we
would have met him together.”

Ben frowned. “I don’t think
that would have worked with Jace.”

“
I guess not.”

“
I want to be with you,”
Ben said. “You coming back into my life feels like a miracle. It’s
just that we both have so much baggage. All the bad things that
happened here or in Austin, which is worse, because it’s also full
of happy memories with Jace. I wish we could start over somewhere
without—”

“
We’ll move.” Tim said.
“New York, Canada, Europe. You name it. I’ll sell the house and
we’ll start over again.”

Ben shook his head. “It’s
not that easy. Austin feels like home now. I love my work, and
Allison is there. And what about the gallery?”

“
None of that
matters.”

But he knew it did. The
gallery was part of Eric’s legacy, and taking Ben away from
everything else that made him happy wouldn’t be good in the long
run. Tim’s pulse raced, feeling he was losing Ben again.

Then he took a deep breath
and forced himself to relax. They had made it twelve years. Even if
they weren’t together for all that time, their feelings for each
other had lasted that long. They just needed a neutral place to
start over.

Tim reached out, taking
Ben’s hands and pulling him into a sitting position. “Let’s get
away from it all. Not permanently. Just for a little while. We’ll
take a trip but leave the baggage at home.”

“
Yeah?” Ben considered the
idea. “I could push my appointments at the hospital back a week.
Think that’ll be enough?”

Tim laughed. “For you to
fall madly in love with me again? How long did it take the first
time?”

Ben’s face flushed, but he
nodded. “Okay. Let’s do it. Where are we going to go?”

Chapter
Thirty-five

“
Mexico City?” said the
woman behind the counter as she eyed their passports.

She had their reservation
on the screen and probably wouldn’t hear his response, but Tim went
along with this strange airport ritual and answered in the
affirmative. Then he glanced back at Ben, whose attention was
elsewhere. Tracing his line of sight, Tim saw a group of flight
attendants, chatting happily as they pulled their luggage behind
them.

Of course.

That would explain the
return of Ben’s haunted look. The woman at the counter spoke again,
Tim nodding through the rest of the process. Had another of his
ideas failed already? If so, he only had himself to blame. Of
course an airport would make Ben think of Jace—astronaut of the
stratosphere. And now that Tim considered the situation, he
remembered Jace had often whisked Ben away to exotic
destinations.

The realization made him
want to drive to Mexico City instead, especially when Ben remained
silent all through the security screening. But once past this
procedure, Tim began feeling optimistic. He loved the buzz of an
airport, how everybody was jetting off to somewhere new or finally
returning home again. Everyone was in transition, no one truly
belonging there, which meant no one was an outsider. All were of
equal status. At least until it came time to board.

“
This is going to be fun,”
Tim said.

Ben managed a smile. “It’s
been a long time since I travelled. How long is the
flight?”

“
About two and a half
hours.”

“
Should we stock up on
drinks and snacks?”

“
Why?” Tim asked. “They’ll
be serving us lunch, and we get all the drinks we want.”

“
Since when?”

“
Since always. We’re flying
business class, baby!”

Ben perked up. “Really?
I’ve only flown economy before.”

This made all the
difference. Faced with a new experience, Ben focused on where they
were going instead of where he had been—and with whom. During the
flight, they played with the seat controls like a couple of kids,
taking shameless advantage of all the perks and privileges the
overpriced seats brought them. The flight attendants—all of them
female, thankfully—treated them like royalty. Time flew by like the
clouds, and the plane soon began circling a sprawling metropolis as
it began its descent.

Tim leaned over Ben’s lap,
both of them looking out the window. “Wait until you see the city
at night. It’s like the land is on fire.”

Ben would see it every
night. Tim hadn’t just splurged on business class tickets. The
hotel suite he had reserved was magnificent. From their room on the
twenty-third floor, Ben would view the city like an emperor on
high. Then Tim would drag him into the Jacuzzi built for two. Maybe
he’d even have the tub filled with champagne instead of water. Tim
would love to have a limo pick them up at the airport, but one
small kink had formed in his romantic plans.

“
I told you my
abuelita
is picking us up
from the airport, right?”

“
Your what?”

“
My grandma,
Nana.”

“
No.” Ben shot him a
nervous glance. “Does she know about me?”

Tim laughed. “Don’t worry.
She’s not nearly as bad as my parents. I mean, I thought she would
be worse. Not in a mean way,” he added quickly. “I figured my
sexuality would break her heart. Instead she mostly took it in
stride.”

“
Mostly?”

“
Well, we don’t exactly
talk about it much. And she’s never seen me with another guy.
That’s going to be weird.”

Ben stared until Tim nudged
him, triggering a smile. “Well, I’m looking forward to meeting her.
Remember how I did all that research on Mexico City to impress your
mom?”