Something Only We Know (44 page)

‘You’ll let us know if you get into difficulties?’

‘Straightaway.’

This same conversation we were going to have a dozen times or more before September came. My mother was going to need endless reassurances, endless encouragement before she felt Hel was safe to
go.

Subtly I shifted my position on the sofa away from them and got to my feet. I needed some time alone to process my own thoughts on the situation.

‘And is there a canteen, or do you cook for yourself? Don, what does it say in the brochure?’ Mum was asking.

I said, ‘OK, look. Since the drama’s over, I’m going to have a stroll up to Spar if anyone wants anything?’

No one took any notice.

I slipped out into the hall and picked up my purse.

Don’t ask me what I bought in the mini mart. On the walk up there I’d had a vague idea about getting my mother a small gift, but she already had Tadek’s
flowers, and anyway I didn’t know if that was overdoing it. Instead I wandered up and down the aisles, sticking random stuff in my basket and finally exiting in a whirl of thoughts and
voices.

A hell of a risk you took dropping that revelation
, I rehearsed saying to my sister.
It’s only four months since she came out of hospital.

We can’t base the entire rest of our lives around not ruffling Mum
, came the immediate response. I could hear Helen saying it.
Look, Jen, I applied for that course before she
got ill. Even if I deferred my place, it wouldn’t make any difference to the way she feels about me leaving, would it?

I tried to picture how the next few months would pan out, how the dynamics of the house would change when I was the only daughter there. Hel’s room shut up, her food cupboard untouched.
Mum constantly needy and near the edge, Dad and me attempting to keep her spirits up. No Ned for me to go to and let off steam because he’d be down in Warwick, visiting at least.

No Ned.

I stopped short on the pavement and pressed my hand hard against my temple to quell a wave of panicky sorrow. What bleakness this autumn promised: no job, no Owen, the family disjointed and
subdued. I was going to have to fight hard to keep on top of myself.

But I would. I’d find employment somewhere. I’d make an effort to build up my social life too. See more of Vikki and Keisha, drag Vikki along to a film now and again, because she
liked going to the cinema and Keisha didn’t. And some people from St Thom’s still met up at the Crown on Friday nights, so it might be worth dropping in there. I was getting more into
my running, so I could hook up with a harriers club, maybe. Or I could investigate evening classes. I’d seen a poster in the library advertising creative writing sessions, and another for a
photography course, both of which I’d always fancied trying. However wobbly I felt, I certainly wasn’t going to sit in my room and mope. That wasn’t me. As for Ned, Hel taking him
away was a sign; that really was a chapter closed. Time to move on. Blimey, I knew plenty of people who’d had to start again – like Mum after Dad’s affair, and Hel after she came
out of hospital. They’d managed and I would too. So much of what I’d thought was important to me had been stripped away lately, and yet – to my surprise – I was still OK.
Even if the thought of Ned departing was like a rip across my heart.

Then, as I was thinking about him, there he was, a hundred yards away and sitting on a garden wall just up from our house, kicking his legs against the bricks. His head was cocked, watching the
road. When he saw me he jumped down and hurried towards me.

‘I needed to speak to you, alone,’ he said as soon as he got close enough. He held out his arms but I dodged them. I felt too raw for a hug.

‘What’s everyone else doing?’

Ned dropped his hands to his sides. ‘Your dad and Helen are still propping up your mother. Tadek’s gone.’

‘Has he? Having dropped his bombshell, he’s buggered off?’

‘There wasn’t a lot more he could do, he was a bit redundant. But I had a good chat with him and he’s OK, actually. I liked him. His wife’s a Macmillan nurse, did you
know?’

I shook my head.

‘Don’t have a downer on him, Jen. He does feel bad about the way Hel set things up. He tried a few times before to get her to share.’

I allowed Ned to take my bag off me. He winced at the weight. ‘Bloody hell, what have you got in here?’

‘Dunno.’

‘Windscreen wash and a set of Tupperware boxes, I can see poking out. And is that a pineapple?’

I said, ‘When did she tell you?’

He closed the bag again. ‘This morning. After the hamster debacle. She took me upstairs, out of the way, and I asked her what on earth was going on, because I knew how badly she wanted a
pet, and that’s when she explained. That’s when I got the full confession.’

‘So you didn’t get much warning either.’

‘Nope. You honestly had no idea?’

‘Not a clue. Although some things make sense now, like the way she was last autumn, extra secretive and cagey. Around that period you thought she was getting ill again, do you remember?
She’d be hiding web printouts from me, and slamming down her laptop lid when I came near. Snatching up the post before anyone else could see it. I suppose she must have had a lot of admin to
sort out behind our backs. You know, once I came home early from work and almost caught Mr Wolski in our kitchen. He nipped out of the door just in time.’

‘What? Bloody hell, Jen. You never mentioned that.’

‘Oh, well, I didn’t know it was him, did I? Hel swore blind there was no one and it was the radio I’d heard. And of course I had no idea what was really going on, so it was
hard to challenge.’ I paused, recalling my fury at what I’d thought was the bastard Joe Pascoe invited into our house. Not that I’d be sharing that particular detail with Ned.

I shook the image out of my head. It was never real anyway. For all my past frettings, and the hideous, scalding embarrassment I’d put myself through when I’d confronted the man
directly, I now understood that Helen had never wanted to meet up with Joe in the flesh. It had been his ghost she wanted exorcised, not the living man.

‘So what did you say to her when she told you about Warwick?’

Ned raised his eyebrows. ‘What could I say? It took me a while to get my bearings. But when I did, I told her I was proud of her, that I supported her if that’s what she wanted to
do. I said it was good she was feeling so confident. I said I was sorry she felt she couldn’t confide in me – she did apologise for that. But she’s made up her mind, Jen,
there’s no negotiating to be done.’

‘Yes, but what are
you
going to do?’

‘How do you mean?’

‘What’s going to happen? Are you moving down there with her? Will you just see her weekends?’

He let out a tight laugh. ‘Neither. She doesn’t want me any more.’

‘Huh?’

‘She’s finished it.’

‘
No.
’

‘She says she doesn’t want a boyfriend for a while. She needs to focus on making a new beginning for herself.’

‘Oh. God.’ The pavement seemed to pitch under my feet.

‘That’s why I came out here, to get you on your own. I thought you should know.’

‘But when we were sitting at the table, you never said anything. I assumed you’d just stay together. You implied—’

‘What I said was, we’d
work something out.
I didn’t want to blurt the news out in front of your mum, not yet. Give her time to get used to the college business first.
I knew she’d go into meltdown if she thought Hel was going to be completely on her own down there.’

‘You’re going to have to tell her at some point.’

‘We will. Let the dust settle first. For now, it’s between you, me and Hel.’

‘Oh, Ned. I’m sorry.’

‘Why?’

‘I don’t know. It’s what you say when someone tells you their relationship’s broken up.’

Carefully he set the shopping bag down on the pavement. I noticed the pineapple had pierced a hole in the plastic and one of the spiky leaves was poking through.

‘You’re not sorry really, are you, Jen?’

‘I don’t know. I daren’t think what it means. I feel – I feel as if someone’s taken a photo of our family, torn it up and thrown the pieces high into the air.
They’re all falling round me and I don’t know where any of them are going to land. I’ve no points of orientation any more.’

‘Yes you have. You have me.’

‘Do I?’

We stared at one another. Then, very slowly, as if to give me chance to duck away, he stepped forward and put his arms around me.

I said, ‘Hang on. No. We can’t. It’s too soon.’

‘Don’t you think we’ve waited long enough already?’ His voice was soft, reassuring.

‘We’re going to have to wait a while longer. There’s too much going on. Well, isn’t there? Surely you can see? The bed’s not cold.’

‘The bed’s been cold for a long time. I told you that last year.’

Half of me wanted to draw him to me and hug him tight; half of me wanted to push him away. I felt overwhelmed by the rush of changes, and by my own dizzying emotions when I thought of the
possibilities opening up for us. ‘I need space to adjust, Ned.’

‘Soon, though.’

‘I think so.’

‘That’s good enough for me.’ And he lowered his lips to mine, and we kissed. Kissed and kissed, and kissed again, and I let myself stop thinking and went with it, lost myself
in his soft skin, the taste of him, his familiar scent and contours. I heard the faint whine of a lawnmower somewhere, and the cheeping of the birds in the trees behind us. Cars passed. A child
cried,
Mum! Mum!
The sun was warm on my back.

At last he pulled away to look at me. ‘Oh, Jen.’

Inside me I imagined a bank of flowers flushing into bloom. Clouds broke, knots of tension eased, pain I’d been clenched against for so long now dissolved away. This was right. This was
what I’d not dared let myself want.

‘Will it be OK?’ I said.

‘It will.’

I remembered what Hel had said that night in the garden about the good guys, about making our own universe. Ned was mine; all I had to do was reach out and take him.

‘Kiss me again,’ I said.

But at that same moment I spotted over his shoulder something bright, someone with a flash of orange hair standing way off down the street, watching us. A jolt of recognition. Of horror. My
sister. I took in her tall, still figure as embarrassment flared up through my body.

In a panic I stepped backwards, pushing him off.

No, God, no, you’ve got it wrong,
I wanted to call out to her.
This isn’t how it looks. Truly! I haven’t been circling, plotting to nab your boyfriend at the first
opportunity. I would never do that. HE would never do that. I’m your ally. I’ve been good! I’ve been level! After everything we’ve been through this year, please don’t
let this one crazy moment spoil it.

Hel gave nothing away. She remained where she was, her face a blank. Then her arm came up and she waved. Waved at me, kept her palm raised in what almost looked like a salute, then turned and
walked away from us both.

I hardly knew what to expect as I went into the house. Ned and I came in separately, him via the front door, and me through the back on the pretext of unloading the shopping.
Ridiculous. We couldn’t have looked more guilty if we’d tried. The pineapple had stabbed me in the thumb, too, which served me right.

When I dared to come through, Ned was nowhere to be seen, but Dad had moved to the sofa with Mum while Hel was arranging flowers in a vase on the dining table.

‘Nice walk?’ she said when she saw me.

I blushed to the roots of my scalp. If my parents hadn’t been there, I’d probably have thrown myself at her feet and begged forgiveness, Victorian-melodrama-style. Such shoddy,
devious behaviour from the one person I’d assured her she could trust. The moment she’d seen us, she must have guessed there’d already been something between us for me to be
flinging myself into his arms. I had no defence. Not one. I couldn’t even plead that it was the first time we’d kissed.

Before I could formulate any kind of response, though, Mum piped up on the subject of student accommodation. Was there any kind of doorman on the flats, she wanted to know. Or a caretaker?
Someone you’d contact in an emergency? Was the outside area well lit? Where would Helen keep her car? Would her insurance premiums shoot up?

Calmly Helen carried on snipping the ends off flower stems. ‘I don’t know. Why don’t you make a list of questions and we’ll research the answers together?’

But what kind of a place was Warwick? Mum persisted. Were there gangs? Was it wild, like parts of Manchester? She’d worried when I was there about me going out in the evenings.

I said, ‘I was in a major city for three years and I never had any bother.’

‘I’m sure I’ll be fine,’ said Hel.

She took a rose and split the stalk about an inch of the way up from the bottom, like a professional.

Ned reappeared and went to sit by my mother.

One by one my sister placed the flowers in their vase, tweaking them into place. I concentrated on her actions and tried not to stoke my guilt by replaying the scene in the street. A white rose,
a pink rose, a spray of fern, two lilies. ‘Anyway, Jen,’ she said, ‘while I’ve got you here, while Ned’s here, there’s something I need to ask you both.
It’s been bothering me and I want to get it sorted.’

‘Oh?’

Quickly I pulled out a dining chair and sat down. Then I held my breath and waited for the worst.

She began, ‘This hamster . . .’

‘Huh?’

‘I’ve been thinking about him. Now, I can’t take him with me. Pets aren’t allowed. But I don’t feel I can just leave him in the shop. The idea of that makes me very
unhappy. I’ve seen too many animals stuck in the kennels, waiting and waiting. He needs an owner as soon as possible. Space to stretch his legs and explore, stimulation, a human to bond
with.’

‘OK.’

‘Someone to
take care of him,
Jen. What I’m saying is, I hate to think of him
left on his own with no one to love him.’