Something Wanton (Mystics & Mayhem) (17 page)

“I know what you’re thinking, and it isn’t going to happen, Em.”

I should have known Kim wouldn’t be kept out so easy.  My head snapped around and I found her sitting cross-legged in the middle of my bed, her hair pulled over one shoulder and her dark eyes staring holes right through me, like she was trying to find what was left of her best friend in the thing I had become.

“How did you get in here?” I groaned.

“I’m a witch, Em,” she said, shrugging and sliding off the bed gracefully.

“Why aren’t you scared of me, Kim?” I whispered, staring down at my hands
, as she slid down the door to sit next to me.  “Grams is.  Why aren’t you?”

“Really?  You’re
really
asking me that?”  She grabbed my chin, forcing me to look at her.  Her expression was so fierce and angry and hurt that, for a second, I was struck speechless.  “Ember, how long have we been friends?”

“Since
our first day of kindergarten.  You dropped your cookie and I gave you half of mine because bitchy old Mrs. Colson said the three second rule didn’t count in her classroom,” I answered automatically, trying to figure out where she was going with the question.

“Damn straight,” she growled, holding my chin tighter when I tried to turn away.  “It was
you
that got me through it when my Dad died.  You, Em!  It’s
you
that I always run to when Blake and I are fighting. 
You
were the one holding my hand last year when Riley left for college and I was bawling like a baby. 
You
are the one I always turn to when things are the worst.”

“Do you know how much it hurts me to know you don’t trust me like that?” she demanded, starting to tear up.  “You
never
come to me. You never go to
anybody
, Em!  And if you tell me you’re fine one more time, I’m going to hit you, I swear!  How are we supposed to help you if you shut us out all the time?”

“I’m not shutting you out!” I told her, frowning. 

Okay, so I didn’t want to talk about my new evilness—in fact, I tried not to even
think
about it—but that did
not
mean I was shutting her out! And, yeah, I kept telling her I was fine.  Because I thought if I could make her believe it, I might just start to believe it myself.

“I’m tired of it, Em!” Kim cried, seeing the defiant expression on my face for the argument it was about to become.  “I’m not leaving this room until you tell me what the hell is going on with you!  Because this,” she paused to wave her hand at me, like that explained it all, “is not you!”

No shit?  She was just figuring that out? 

Looking back, I couldn’t remember the last time I’d felt like me.  Before Bastian, that was for sure.  Before I’d learned I was a witch.  Before I’d fallen in love with a vampire.  Before I’d been forced to banish a demon in the body of one of my best friends to the lost plane.  Before I’d been forced to give up part of my soul to save that same friend from a fate worse than death when the demon had found his way out of Hell.

But what was really hard to swallow was knowing I would probably
never
feel like me again.  Never.    

And I was so sick of it all.  I was sick of being angry and afraid.  I was tired of living with someone who couldn’t even bear to be in the same room as me.  I
couldn’t stand the thought of seeing the alien that stared back at me from the mirror every morning.  I just wanted it all to go back to the way it was before Fate decided I needed to be punished for trying to save a friend.  Unfortunately, that wasn’t going to happen.

“Oh, Em,” Kim breathed, wrapping her arms around me, when my body started to shake with silent, tearless sobs.  “I love you, honey.  We all love you, but you have to let us in.  Please, Em, before it’s too late.”

She stayed there beside me as I broke into a million tiny pieces, like she always had.  And when it was over she started trying to put me back together again.  I loved her for that.  I loved her for always being there, for never running away when things got hard.  But Kim didn’t know how much I counted on her to be there because I had never told her. No wonder she was pissed, I would have been, too.

We were still sitting right there, Kim murmuring the things I needed to hear the most—that I was still me, that I would get through it because I was strong, that she loved me and so did Blake and Tyler and Grams and Nathan—when we heard the window slide up and the delicious scent of Nathan Ashley surrounded us, breaking my heart all over again.

“My turn, Kim,” he said softly.

“Actually, I think you’ve done enough,” Kim snapped, holding me closer when he reached down to take my hand.  “
Look at her, Nathan! 
Look at her
!  Then I want you to tell me how much of what you see is
your
fault!”

“All of it,” he said without even pausing to think about it.  “Now please, Kim, let me talk to her.”

When she just tightened her hold on me and glared at him, he sighed and started prying her arms away.  Kim gave him a good fight, but she never really stood a chance.  When he managed to get her to let me go, she shot to her feet and gave him a look that clearly said she was seconds from murdering him.  I wasn’t the only one who noticed, either.  Nathan gazed back at her levelly and sighed again.

“You can kill me later…if she doesn’t do it herself,” he told her, rolling his eyes when she hissed at him.  He was so busy watching Kim that he didn’t see the way I
flinched.

W
ith no warning whatsoever, he jerked me up and into his arms, opened the door, and pushed Kim out in one fluid motion before slamming the door in her surprised face.  When I struggled to get away from him, insulted on Kim’s behalf and upset that he had kicked her out when I needed her the most, he just tightened his hold.

“Not just yet, Em,” he whispered, his voice a mere breath against my ear.  “I think we should talk.”

I didn’t have the energy to fight.  Instead, I went completely limp in his arms.  I felt the crack in my heart widen a little more when, realizing I wasn’t going to fight him or run, he dropped his arms from around me and took a couple of steps back. 

“
I’m sorry about your friend,” I said mechanically, thinking that the space he’d just put between us said more than any words could.  “I know I was a complete brat when she first got here, but I really liked Sierra.”

“
Me too,” he murmured, shoving his hand through his hair.  “Em, that could have been you.  Sierra was a six hundred year old darkling, and they killed her.  And there you were, out in the open for anybody to take a shot at.  What were you thinking?  Why would you do something so…
stupid
?”

“Why?” I repeated angrily.  I knew I wasn’t doing myself any favors with my inability to control my emotions, but I couldn’t find it in me to care anymore.  “
Why
, Nathan?  Maybe I wanted to be around people who actually
like
me!  Is that so hard to understand?”

“You don’t think
I
like you.”  It wasn’t a question.  He had just drawn the logical conclusion from what I’d said.

“I
know
you don’t.”

His eyes traced my face for a long moment, like he had lost something.  And he had.  Me.  I saw it
written all over his perfect face and felt it in the stab of pain in my heart as my mark started to throb.  It was over.  All that was left was for one of us to find the guts to say it out loud. 

Please don’t let me hear anything,
I prayed even as Nathan’s voice said,
Is that really what she thinks?  Have we fallen so far that she doesn’t even think I like her anymore?

“Why do you think I don’t like you, Em?” he finally asked, his voice switching to a smooth tone that was supposed to put me at ease.  It had the opposite effect.

“Oh, I don’t know, Nathan,” I said acidly.  “Maybe it’s because I’ve been a darkling for forty-three days, four hours, fifty-seven minutes and,” I gave my watch an exaggerated glance, “five seconds, and I have been alone for forty-three days, four hours, and fifty-two minutes of that time.  I don’t even know why you bothered saving me.  You know what I think?  I think I
did
die that night.  You just haven’t buried the fucking body yet!”

The silence that followed my little outburst was so profound it was crushing.  Nathan was totally speechless—a rare occurrence, and one I would have been kind of grateful for more than once during our weird relationship.  But, I didn’t need him to be speechless.  I needed him to tell me I was wrong, that I was just having a hard time adjusting and he loved me just as much as he had when I was human.

In other words, I needed him to
lie
.

“You have lost your ever-loving mind.”  His voice lashed over me like a whip, the silence coming to a cringe
worthy end.  When I glared at him, he simply returned it with one even darker.  “You haven’t got the first
clue
what you’re talking about, Ember.”

“I know
exactly
what I’m talking about,” I crooned nastily with a cold little smile.  Just in case he was too thick to figure it out on his own, I tapped the mark on my neck that was still throbbing like another heartbeat.  “You wanted me to understand the strength of the bond you forged when you marked me?  Well, now I do.  I heard you that morning, trying to make yourself look at what I’d become.  I heard that pitiful hope that I was still me.  I’ve heard you a couple of times since then, too, mourning the loss of the girl you loved.”

“And if I wasn’t smart enough to figure it out that way,
I got the message loud and clear in the kitchen that night,” I continued, no longer caring what I might be doing.  It was time one of us told the truth.  If he didn’t want to, I was more than willing.  “It must really suck to be stuck with the wrong half of the woman you loved, huh?”

I saw something die in Nathan’s eyes, turning them colder and more remote than ever.  In that moment, he became someone I didn’t know. When he spoke, his voice was as cold as his eyes, and I felt my mark stop throbbing suddenly.  It was like it had died.   Just like our relationship.

“If that’s how you feel, maybe we really don’t have anything left to talk about.”

“I’m sure that’s a real relief to you.”

Nathan wasn’t the only one who winced at the hardness in my voice.  Kim was right.  I wasn’t myself anymore.  I didn’t know who the hell I was, but it definitely wasn’t me.

“No, Em, it’s not,” he sa
id quietly.  “I’ll send Kim back in.  I see now that you need her more than you need anything I can offer you.”

Then, without another word or even a backward glance, he
was gone.  I stared at the door for a long time after it closed behind him.  He hadn’t even been willing to fight.  He didn’t think I was worth fighting
for
. 

“You have got to be the stupidest female in history.”  I turned at the sound of Zan’s voice, finding him standing next to the window with his green eyes shooting fire.  “Do you even
know
what you just did, you little idiot?”

“You don’t know what you’re talking about,” I told him as my heart tried to see how many pieces it could tear
itself into.  “Maybe you didn’t hear, but our relationship is officially over.”

I was still hurting too much to fight with him.  If he wanted to think I was an idiot, he could.  It’s not like there was much I could do to stop him.  I pressed my hand to my stomach
as the muscles there cramp up so painfully I felt sick.  The pain of losing Nathan was a physical ache.  It burned through my veins, making me feel like I was slowly catching fire.  I hoped it worked quick.  The idea of feeling like that forever wasn’t one I particularly enjoyed.

“You gave him an out and he took it,” Zan said cruelly.  “You have only yourself to blame if you don’t like the outcome.”

I was across the room and had slammed my hands into his chest before I even realized what I was doing.  He didn’t seem all that surprised and he sure as hell didn’t look impressed.  When I leaned up on my tiptoes, getting right in his face, though, he snapped to attention real quick.

“You don’t even
know
me!” I hissed, seeing the reflection of my glowing blue eyes in his clear green ones.  “You don’t know me and therefore you are not allowed to
judge
me!  Is that clear?”

His eyes blazed glowing green and the next thing I knew, his hand was wrapped around my throat and I was pinned to the wall.  He leaned down, taking a deep, snarling breath, and then whispered in my ear.  His words chilled me to the bone and sent waves of anger through me simultaneously.

“Oh, I know you all right,” he breathed, fury lacing every word.  “I’ve known women just like you all my life.  Women who throw away love to wallow in self pity aren’t all that rare.  Women who don’t know how to love anyone but themselves are even more plentiful.  And, it has to be said, you ungrateful little brat, you’re not worth it.  I just hope Nathan figures that out before you destroy him.  Because if that happens, I promise I’m going to return the favor.”

Releasing me, he backed away and then slipped out the window as silently as he had entered it.  I slid down the wall behind me, shaking and feeling more than slightly sick.  It took me a while to get control of myself, but then I started to get
really
angry.  I was sick of stupid, pigheaded, arrogant vampires.  I was sick of witches and demons and being afraid all the time.

Aw, hell! I was just sick.

I wasn’t going to make it to the bathroom no matter how close it was, so I ran to the window and leaned out just in time to avoid ruining the carpet.  I vomited until there wasn’t anything left and then hung on the window ledge feeling weak and shaky.

A perfect end to a perfect day,
I thought to myself, beating back another flood of nausea. 
What’s next?  Typhoons?  Earthquakes?  A meteor hitting me in the head?

I looked down at the bile-like substance my stomach had given up.  The fading sunlight illuminated a stream of brilliant green that was starting to smoke ominously.  At first, I didn’t understand.  The only kind of liquid that went into my system was
blue
not green.

Figuring I had just gotten a bad batch of
Nexus, I started to pull my head back in so I could go brush my teeth.  It was then that I caught the glimmer of sunlight on liquid.  Sticking my head back out, I turned toward where I had seen the light reflecting and felt my stomach lurch again, this time in fear.  Just beyond the edge of the patio was a small pool of what looked like…blood.

Suddenly, everything started to make sense.  Smoking green liquid, not blue.  Someone had poisoned my stash!  And the only reason there would be a puddle of blood out the back door was if someone had dumped…

“Oh, no! Nathan!” I whispered, horrified, forcing myself to move.

I nearly tore the door off the hinges in my haste to get to the kitchen and the blood stored there before Nathan got hold of it.  He might not love me anymore, but I couldn't stand by and let him poison himself.

“No! Don’t!” I screamed, reaching the kitchen just in time to see Nathan turning up a sports bottle full of blood.

I made it to him just as his lips touched the top of the bottle and slapped it out of his hand, sending it flying into the wall.  The top of the bottle shattered on impact, splattering the entire kitchen—and a highly pissed off Zan—with blood.

“What the hell is your
problem
?” Zan snarled as he jumped up and started wiping at his jacket with his bare hands.

“Smell that blood, idiot!”

He was one insult away from me finding a new and inventive way to set him on fire—and, trust me, I was just waiting for him to give me an excuse.  He rolled his eyes, but held his fingers under his nose.  His eyes widened and filled with fear as he turned to look at Nathan.

“It’s poisoned, Nate.”

“How did you know my bottle was poisoned, Em?” Nathan asked softly. 

“
I
didn’t poison it, if that’s what you’re thinking,” I told him softly. 
God, don’t let that be what he was thinking,
I thought to myself.

“Of course that isn’t what I was thinking,” Nathan said, sounding shocked, as I turned around to leave.  I had barely taken a step, though, when his hand wrapped around my arm in a gentle grip, stopping me.  “Tell me how you knew, Em.”

Though I could feel the intensity of his gaze, I refused to meet it.  I trained my eyes on Zan instead and kept them there.  Zan was just…safer, believe it or not.

“My shot made me sick.  I was throwing up when I saw a big pool of blood in the back yard.  Since I know you’re not in the habit of pouring your stores out in the yard, I just thought…  I just wanted to warn you.” 

“Em, we have to—”

“Don’t, Nathan,” I whispered, stopping him before he could finish that sentence. 
I didn’t think I could take another one of our ‘talks’.  “Zan’s right.  I’m not worth it.  I might have been once, but not anymore.”

I heard his sharp intake of breath, but I didn’t give him time to say anything to dispute what I’d said. 
Instead of going back to my room, I let myself out onto the back patio and sank into one of the chairs there, barely even noticing the cold that immediately started to seep into my bones.  I leaned forward, elbows resting on my knees and dropped my face into my hands, waiting for that terrible pressure to start tightening my chest up like an overstuffed sausage again, but it didn’t come.  Instead I just felt…empty.

I heard the back door open and close, but I kept my head down and my eyes closed, hoping whoever it was would just go away.  Even when I caught a scent I was quickly starting to hate, I kept my face hidden in my hands.  I had admitted he was right about me, wasn’t that enough? 

You can imagine my surprise when he knelt in front of me and gently pried my hands away from my face.  Leaning back, I waited for the next hit to my already aching heart.  But it didn’t come.  For a few minutes, he just studied my face.  I don’t know what he was looking for, but he must have found it because the first real smile I had seen on his face pulled his lips up at the corners.  It wasn’t his usual smirk, but a real, genuine smile, warm and inviting.  It changed him somehow, easing some of the harshness of his features.

“I wasn’t right about you,” Zan said finally.  “You’re hurting, but you’re trying to hold it in and hold it together.  I admire that, Ember.  I just think you’re going about it the wrong way.”

“I also know you love Nate,” he said, cutting me off when I opened my mouth to tell him
exactly
what I thought about his assessment of my coping strategies.  “He loves you, too, Firecracker.  If you only knew how much.”

Nathan loved me?  Yeah, maybe when I was
human
.  Sorry that he was stuck with what was left of me?  Now
that
I believed.  It was really cruel of Zan to rub my face in it like that.  In that moment, I wanted my powers back so badly it hurt.  Zan was really
asking for it.