Something Wanton (Mystics & Mayhem) (24 page)

“Please, Em.  Just give me one hour.  If you want to walk away afterwards, I swear I won’t try to stop you.”

I couldn’t deny him.  I wanted to, you have no
idea
how much I wanted to, but I couldn’t.  Sighing in resignation, wondering why I was such a glutton for punishment, I held out my hand to help him up. 

“One hour, Nathan,” I told him, not wanting him to get the wrong idea.  “You have one hour and then we go our separate ways.  But not here.”

I released Nathan’s hand and put several feet of space between us as soon as my feet hit solid ground again.  Teleporting was starting to grow on me.  I was even getting used to the sensation that an elephant was sitting on my chest.  I mean, it was instant travel.  So what if it was majorly uncomfortable?  It only lasted a second and the benefits far outweighed the negatives.

Nathan looked around him, taking in his surroundings.  I saw his eyes flicker over the obliterated trees, the waves of burnt grass.  Frowning, he asked, “Where are we?”

“Bonfire Hill.  Kim and Blake used to drag me out here for parties,” I told him.  “You wanted to talk; I figured here was as good a place as any.”

“What happened to this place?”

“I happened.”  I shrugged when he stared at me, horrified.  “Be glad I did it here and not in your house, Nathan.  I almost didn’t make it.  If I hadn’t remembered I could teleport when I did, you would probably look like one of those trees over there right about now.  In fact, most of Moonlight would.”

“I see your point,” he muttered, nodding.

I hugged my arms across my chest and tried not to shiver as a gust of wind blew my hair back from my face.  What had I been thinking, bringing him out in the middle of nowhere in the dead of night in nothing but Grams’ flannel pajamas and socks?  I called up my element, but I’d expended so much energy saving Ainsley that it wasn’t as warming as it should have been.

Seeing how uncomfortable I was, Nathan shrugged out of the long wool overcoat he was wearing and stepped
toward me.  I immediately backed up.  I saw the hurt in his eyes, but he just smiled sadly and held the coat out to me.

“Thanks,” I muttered, taking it from him. 

I wrapped it around me and felt my chest tighten up like it was in a vise as his scent surrounded me.  That scent had once meant so much to me.  It had been the scent of love and desire and happiness.  Now, it just made me sad.

Nathan
walked over to one of the fallen trees on the edge of the clearing and sat down.  He patted the place beside him in invitation, but I hesitated to get that close.  Still, I
had
agreed to hear him out.  Hoping I wasn’t going to end up regretting it—and pretty sure that I was—I walked over and sat down.  I didn’t take the place he had offered me, but one much further down.  I saw another spasm of pain cross his features before he looked away.

“I’m sorry, Em.”

“That can cover a whole range of recent sins,” I told him, pulling my knees up to my chest and wrapping his coat closer around me in an effort to block the chill of the breeze.  I laid my cheek on my knees and arched an eyebrow at him.  “Which one are you sorry for, Nathan?”

“All of them.”  He sighed, dropping his head and shoving his hands through his hair.  “Every time I made a move, it was the wrong one.  Every single damn time.  I used to be better at this, you know?  I used to know what I was doing.  But now, with you, I feel like I’m jumping in with no guarantee I won’t drown.”

“Well, breaking up with me certainly should have helped with that part.”

I winced when I heard how harsh I sounded.  I really was totally pathetic.  I couldn’t even put on a good show.  What I couldn’t figure out was
why
I couldn’t.  After what had happened at the club, I really wasn’t in the mood to put a lot of effort into reconciliation.  It was better if we just said what we had to say and let go.  I knew that, I was ready to do it, but that didn’t keep it from hurting like hell.

“Yeah, about that,” he mumbled uncomfortably.

I groaned out loud.  Nothing good ever followed those three words.  With that in mind, I held my breath and waited for the worst.  I had a bad feeling he was about to make another one of those wrong moves.

“I took some bad advice, Em,”
he said as he bent down and picked a long, scorched blade of grass and started twirling it between his fingers.  “It was only supposed to be for a couple of days.  Everyone would think you and I had split up and that you wouldn’t be as well protected.  We were thinking that would draw out the hunters.  We unbound you first.  I couldn’t go through with it with you unable to defend yourself.  I shouldn’t have gone through with it at all.  I knew the second I saw that cold, detached look on your face that I’d made the worst mistake of my very long life.”

“Wait,” I said, still working through the first part of his explanation.  “You were using me as
bait
?”

“Not just you!” he said, quickly, glancing up to see that I didn’t think much of that course of action.  “Ainsley’s been running around in the open
since you left, knowing how dangerous it could be for her if she was caught, hoping to get the witch hunters to make a move.  They didn’t even sniff in her direction until tonight.  They aren’t hunting witches, Em.  They are hunting
you
. 
Just
you.”

Well, that was just
great
.  Like I
needed
some more problems.  Between my newly undead status, my relationship problems, and just getting through high school, I really thought I had enough going on already.

Nathan watched my expression, studying me as I grappled to accept the latest crisis in my life.  When he saw I was getting angry instead of falling apart, he actually smiled at me. 
Right, like that was going to happen.  They might all think I was a weakling, but I knew better.

“So, you see, I really didn’t break up with you,” he said, sounding a little relieved.  That was a bit premature.  He still had a
long
way to go to get me to change my mind about how over we were.  “It was just a ploy, Em.  I hated it.  I’ve hated
myself
every second of every minute of every day since I watched you run out of that room.”

I got up and walked a little distance away from him, crossing my arms over my chest like that would keep me from doing anything stupid.  My track record over the last several months pretty much made it
clear that not even a straightjacket and padded room would be able to accomplish that goal.  I had made one stupid move after another myself, the first of which was getting in my car with the vampire sitting behind me.

And being stupid enough to fall in love with him.

“We weren’t really together before you broke up with me, so I don’t see what the big deal is,” I stated, my voice calm and cool and hiding very well how much that hurt.

“What do you want me to do, Em?” Nathan asked, his beautiful voice sounding broken
, when he realized that he wasn’t getting anywhere with me, after all.  “Just tell me what you want me to do, and I’ll do it.”

“I wanted you to love me, Nathan,” I whispered.  His head shot up and his eyes widened in surprise.  “I wanted you to, but you don’t.  I’m just a possession to you, a pretty toy that you think you own.  You made that very clear tonight.”

“What was I
supposed
to think, Em?” he groaned, standing up and moving toward me. 

I immediately backed away.  I couldn’t let him touch me.  I didn’t
want
him to touch me.  After what had happened between us at Icon, I didn’t want him within five feet of me.

And feeling that way
about him took everything I had left. 

“What
did
you think, Nathan?” I asked quietly.

“That you and Jordan…”  His voice trailed off and he shook his head, anger and sadness warring with each other in his eyes.  “You two were putting on one hell of a show, Em.  The way you were dressed, and the way you two were dancing…
I just assumed…”

“You assumed I was an easy piece of ass who could jump from one guy to another,” I supplied, nodding, as he ground the rest of my heart to dust.  “And that proves you don’t know me at all.”

“No!  Em, that’s not what I…”

He dropped his face into his hands and rubbed hard.  I was glad when he didn’t finish that sentence.  It was bad enough that he had been able to believe something so terrible in the first place; lying about it would have just made it unforgivable.  When he looked up it was with the same pleading in his eyes I had seen the day he broke up with me.

“I don’t even know how to talk to you anymore!” he cried, looking like he was a second away from breaking down completely.  “I’m losing you, and I don’t know how to stop it, Em.  Every day you slip away a little more, and I can’t reach you no matter how hard I try.”

My mark started throbbing again even as I watched his aura start to light up with those beautiful swirls.  I reached up and rubbed my fingers over it, trying desperately to make it stop.  But it didn’t.  It just kept right on throbbing,
a cruel reminder of what I’d had—and of what I would never have again.

“How do I remove it?” I asked, choking on a sob that felt like it was lodged in my throat.  I didn’t care if it killed me.  I wanted it gone.

“Remove what?”  Nathan’s eyes were trained on my fingers tracing my mark and his face had gone bone white.

“My mark,” I whispered, watching his face go even paler, if that was possible. “You told me once that there was a way to remove it, now I want you to tell me how.”

“What?” he gasped, jerking back like I’d punched him.

“I want you to
tell me how to remove my mark.”  I couldn’t choke back the next sob and it tore free, and I wished yet again for the tears that should have come with it.  “I don’t want to be something you own.   I wanted to be something you couldn’t live without.  Now I know that’s something I’ll never be.  Tell me how to get rid of it.  If you ever cared about me, you’ll do that for me.”

“No,” Nathan whispered.  “I can’t, Em.  You’ll die, baby.  You’ll flicker out like a candle flame because there’s nowhere for you to go.  Don’t you understand that?  You’ll simply cease to exist.”

“Good.  From where I’m standing right now, that would be a blessing,” I told him, feeling totally beaten.

I started to walk away, but Nathan’s hand latched onto my arm, keeping me from going any further.  I gave his hand a pointed glance and then looked back up at him to see if he had gotten the message.  It didn’t take me long to decide that he hadn’t.  He was glaring down at me, looming over me like a dark cloud.

“I’m going to ask you this one more time, Ember,” he murmured, sounding deceptively calm.  “
What
do you want me to
do
?  Do you want me to beg?  I don’t have a problem with that.  I’ll even do it on my knees.  I’ll gladly spend the rest of my very long life trying to make up for what I’ve done.  Just tell me what you
want
.”

And suddenly, I knew.  I knew what I wanted from him.  I had to hear it from his lips before I could make peace with it and move on.  Maybe then I really
could
forgive him.  I could forgive him for giving me something as wonderful as our love had been and then taking it back.

“Just admit it, Nathan,” I whispered.  When he looked at me like he didn’t know what I was talking about, I lost it and screamed at him.  “Just admit that you’re sorry you didn’t let me go!   Admit that even a memory would have been better than only having half of the woman you loved!  Say it, damn you!”

“No!” he roared, causing me to flinch away from him in alarm.  “I won’t!  I won’t lie to you and tell you I’m sorry that I brought you back, because I’m
not
!  I would make the same choice today if I had it to do over again.  I called you back, knowing Bastian had already tainted you, and condemned you to this life because I
couldn’t
live without you.  I am officially the most selfish monster alive and
I don’t care
.  Why?  Because I still get to see your face every day, hear your voice, smell your incredible scent.  I don’t care because you’re still
here,
Ember!  You’re here and I get to keep you forever this time.”

“Wait just a damn minute!” I snapped, not buying his shit for a second.  “If you’re not sorry you brought me back, then why the hell are you treating me like a damn
pariah
?”

He looked at me for a second, and I could almost see the gears in his brain turning.  Giving him an absolutely filthy look, I bit out, “Try the truth, Nathan.  It’s easier than coming up with a lie.”

“I wasn’t going to lie to you,” he muttered, looking more uncomfortable than I’d ever seen him look.   “Em, I’ve been keeping my distance because I incite your hunger every time I get close to you.  I know what it’s like, that hunger.  I’ve been there.  It’s painful, both physically and emotionally, to want to feed on someone you love.  I thought, by giving you your space, I would make things easier for you.”

Easier
for me?  He thought he was making things
easier
for me by acting like I didn’t exist?  Oh, that made
perfect
sense!  Oh, no, don’t explain why you’re acting like the world’s biggest asshole.  Just act all cold and unapproachable and count on me to just
know
that you’re trying to help me.  Sure.  Why didn’t
I
think of that?