Song of the Silent Snow (19 page)

Nope. He winced as a pain pierced his head, then exhaled sharply, exhausted and tired.

The clerk looked at her form, then at him, I think thats enough for now. You get some rest. She got up to leave.

Do me a favor? See if my coats alright?

She started to say something, then just smiled and nodded, Sure.

Thanks. Harry closed his eyes and slept.

When he awoke he asked the nurse if the clerk had called about his coat.

Coat?

She was going to check to see if its alright.

She probably hasnt had time to yet. Im sure she/ll take care of it.

Harry nodded within himself, unable to really think about it, not sure when he saw the clerk ... not sure about anything actually. Every now and then there would be a slight glimmer of light, but it would be quickly absorbed by mist and he could not find the energy to really grasp a thought for any length of time and would just drift off into sleep.

Through the following days whenever he was conscious Harry would wonder about his coat and if it was alright, if he was still wearing it when he got here and, if he was, what had happened to it after he got here. Everytime someone came near him he wanted to ask them about his coat, but couldnt seem to summon up the energy. Eventually he felt a couple of days must have passed since he spoke with the clerk, not absolutely certain because he spent so much time sleeping and was still confused about time, but whether it was or not the pressure was building to the point where he had no choice but to ask the nurse again if the clerk had called about his coat.

She frowned agitatedly, What coat?

My coat - Harry could feel himself starting to tremble -remember I asked -

O that. No. Nobody has called about anything. But she said ... can you call her?

I dont have time to make calls about coats. I have all I can do right now.

But I have to know. I dont know if - he started to get up, but a sudden pain took his breath away and he fell back on the bed.

Pain in your head?

He could hardly mutter.

The nurse rushed from the room and quickly returned with a hypo and soon the pain subsided and Harry once more drifted off to sleep.

Harry continued to ask about his coat, never being certain if he was asking many times in one day or once in many days, but when the pressure built to the point where he no longer had a choice, he asked, and when he was given an evasive answer he got so upset he usually had to be sedated and another note was made on his chart. Eventually the doctor asked about the notes on his chart and the nurses told him about Harrys preoccupation with his coat and the doctor wrote a request that Harry be interviewed by a psychiatrist, And for krists sake, in the meantime tell him the coats alright.

When a nurse told Harry that his coat was alright he seemed to change instantly, tension draining from his body almost visibly, a hint of color returning to his cheeks. He could feel an endless sigh flow through his body as he drifted back to sleep.

Harry was relaxed, but still a little groggy, when a young psychiatrist visited him one morning. Harry had not been shaved for 3 or 4 days, his head was swathed in bandages that were stained with blood and antiseptics, and he was still wired so his bodily functions could be monitored. The psychiatrist looked at him for a moment, You look depressed.

Harry just blinked.

How do you feel?

Harry shrugged slightly, Okay.

The psychiatrist made a few notes. You seem to be concerned about your clothing.

My coat. I wanted to be sure it was alright.

Were you wearing it when you were admitted?

Harry looked at him for a moment, I dont know.

The psychiatrist made more notes, then looked at Harry. I see. Do you often have lapses of memory?

Harry looked at him, blinking, feeling more and more intimidated. He started sweating. I was unconscious.

The psychiatrist peered at him for a moment, then made another note. Are you often so obsessive about your possessions?

Harry stared, his head shaking slightly, trying earnestly to understand what it was the doctor wanted. He listened hard, and heard the words but he just could not seem to make any sense out of them. They did not seem to have anything to do with him ... or anything he could think of. Harry did not know what he had done wrong. All Harry could do was look and twist his face into a frown ...

The psychiatrist stared at Harry then made more notes. Are you always so insecure about your clothing?

Harry could feel himself wilting as the psychiatrist stared at him ... Eventually he shook his head.

Harrys sweating and trembling increased and he was no longer capable of even trying to understand what the psychiatrist was saying or what it was he wanted. He just stared, on the verge of tears, and shook his head.

The psychiatrist made a final note about the patients hostile and uncooperative behavior and infantile regression, then snapped the metal binder on the chart shut, That will be all. He left.

Harry was still trembling an hour later when a nurse came into the room.

Are you alright?

Harry shook his head slightly.

Youre so pale and sweaty - she touched his forehead - and clammy. Do you have any pain?

He nodded.

Harry continued to tremble many minutes after having been given a hypo, feeling cold and lost, wanting so much to run and hide and just cry ... cry... He looked at the wires going from the various parts of his body to the machinery around the bed knowing that he could disconnect himself easy enough, but he would still be unable to move. He was trapped. He knew his legs would not support him if he tried to stand. And even if he could, he could never find his way to his coat and he could not go anywhere without his coat... not now... it would be suicide... and he did not want to die. Not that way. Not anyway, but especially not that way ... just a hunk of frozen flesh ...

He shut his eyes and squeezed them together as hard as possible to shut out the image, then suddenly opened them so his senses could be enveloped by his surroundings and blot out the cold and the stares of the psychiatrist ... He tried to change his position on the bed, but didnt have much freedom of movement. His eyes got heavy... sleepy... his body started to feel light... the tension slowly started dissolving as the opiate flowed through his body ... he knew that soon he would fall asleep ... his body got lighter and lighter ...

his eyes heavier and heavier ...

he could no longer think ... was only vaguely aware of his body... still he felt like he was drowning in tears ...

Harry Wrights condition continued to improve and soon he was able to walk to the bathroom, at first with assistance, then alone. Another month and he was able to walk around whenever he wanted and spent some time in the t.v. room, when it wasnt too crowded, staying in the back of the room, but spending most of his time playing solitaire or looking at magazines. He was still too weak to do much of anything else and was content to rest and eat, feeling relaxed and secure now that he knew his coat was alright.

He was unable to eat the Thanksgiving dinner, but he did participate energetically in the Christmas festivities, enjoying the food and the entertainments that various organizations presented and the little packages of candy they passed out. He also laughed at their jokes and smiled in recognition of their greetings and MEEEEEEEERY CHRISTMAS.

Now that he was well enough to move around without any ill effects, the first thing he did in the morning was to look out the window and check the weather. The area around the hospital always had a gray, cold look, but he watched the people walking, knowing by the way they moved just how cold it was. He also checked the morning shift and listened to them. Everybody talked about the weather and on the really cold days they were still rubbing their hands together when they got to the ward and hunched their shoulders when they talked about the wind and snow. He watched and listened to the radiators letting out their hiss and smiled ...

Even when he got out he/d be warm. He had his coat. He had nothing to worry about, and he would wrap his bathrobe around him and pretend it was his coat and stand by the window and put his nose against the cold glass and feel the heat coming from the radiator ...

And, from time to time, he would sit, his hands in his bathrobe pockets, thinking about his buddy ... and how it felt and looked ... closing his eyes and seeing every inch of his coat, even the black spots from the fire, feeling its weight on his shoulders and the texture of the material against his cheeks and the almost bottomless pockets ... and he experienced another warmth, the warmth of friendship ... the warmth of affection.

One morning he was looking at the paper when he recognized the area in a photo, an empty lot on the Bowery. There was a bulldozer in the lot and in front of it were 4 or 5 bodies, "... inhabitants of the Bowery who had frozen to death sometime in the past month and were just discovered. They had to be broken loose from the ground with a bulldozer." Harry felt a wave of sickness and panic twist his insides, but then he slowly relaxed as he wrapped his bathrobe around him once again, closed his eyes and affectionately talked with his friend. His friend loved him and would never let that happen to him. He didnt have to worry about that.

Harry had been in the hospital three months and with the return of health and strength came an increased feeling of nervousness. There was a vague tension within him, a gnawing anxiety that grew with each day. He gradually retreated further and further within himself, becoming less communicative and spending more time just sitting with his robe wrapped around him, occasionally going over to the window and staring out at the grayness. It had always been like this, ever since he could remember. The only thing that changed it was drinking. When he had enough to drink things around him seemed to change ... they became friendlier, more comfortable and pleasant and he didnt feel threatened or sickened by what he saw. But the longer he went without drinking the darker things became, the more painful life became ... everything around him became unbearable. It seemed like there was nothing but killing and hurt ... always hurt... the kind of hurt that stays inside and just keeps growing and gnawing until it takes over everything in you ... always hurt ...

That was why the Bowery was so ideal. In other places when everything got gray and ugly there was always a small part of him that would remember and remind him that it wasnt always like that, that he had actually looked around and liked what he saw ... at times loved it ... loved it with a depth of feeling and involvement, and all he could do was drink to try and re-kindle that feeling of love... of beauty ... the conflict consuming him.

But the more he drank the more impossible it became to stay, so he had to move on, always feeling the pain of a crying child or a straggly cat, occasionally being brought to tears by the beauty of a flower or a budding tree.

But on the Bowery when he felt that all the beauty had been squeezed from the world and there was nothing but grayness and hurt, he could look around and know he was right because the world he saw was precisely that, and so there was no conflict. The ugliness was real and the wine painted over that and he could go his way, alone, washing dishes, junking, finding some place to nest alone and talk and sing softly to himself and his coat, and drink himself to a state of unconsciousness.

Harrys feeling of anxiety and grief increased with the passing of each day, and so, though it was snowing and cold when they told him all his test results were fine and he would be discharged soon, he was relieved.

Before he was discharged he was visited by the psychiatrist again. He asked Harry what he was going to do when released. More alert than before, he was still confused by the psychiatrist. It seemed that he just could not mean what he said and Harry was trying to understand what it was the psychiatrist wanted. Go home.

The psychiatrist looked at the chart, Wheres that? They dont seem to have it on here.

Harry frowned, The Bowery.

The Bowery? Why would you go there?

I live there.

The psychiatrist made a note. But wouldnt you like to do something better with your life? Like get a good job and be a productive member of society?

Harry shook his head, I work.

The psychiatrist made another note. Washing dishes isnt much of a job.

Harry just looked, trembling slightly inside.

Now that you are free from alcohol you should be able to find a place to live with nicer surroundings.

Harry shook his head, his confusion showing in his expression.

The psychiatrist made a note. Would you like to go some place to rest and get some help in evaluating your - Harry was shaking his head - life and not go back to that old environment?

Harry was still shaking his head, No ... no, no nut house.

Well now, thats not really - Harry continued shaking his head - the proper way to ... the psychiatrist looked at Harry intently, disbelief in his expression and voice, Dont you want to better yourself?

Harry stopped shaking his head and stared at the psychiatrist, almost wanting to explain to him that he had found the most comfortable life he had ever had and was going to stay there, but could summon up neither the necessary energy nor the desire. Now at least the psychiatrist was no longer a problem to Harry, the enigma was solved: he was jut another dogooder trying to get involved in someone elses life. Harry stopped frowning and even started to relax slightly .... Im fine.

The psychiatrist looked at Harry, exasperated, then slammed the metal binder on the record shut and left.

On the day of his discharge a ward attendant was sent to get Harrys clothing, and Harry started to pace. The tension in his body became more and more acute as he looked at the drab ugliness around him, then out the window at the snow and the trees bending in the wind. He felt the heat from the radiator, then touched his nose to the cold window ....

then turned and started pacing again.

After half an hour he went to the nurses station and asked where his clothes were. He was told to relax, that the attendant would be back shortly. He started pacing again, his anxiety and tension becoming so intense he felt brittle, walking from one end of the floor to the other, from time to time looking out the window.