Sophie's Dilemma (25 page)
Please, Pa, at least look at me. I don’t care if you say anything or not,
but look at me
. Afraid to be the first to say something, knowing that if he didn’t respond, she would run from the table and hide in the bed, Sophie did her best to fit in. She smiled at Trygve, who had been copying his father’s actions. Samuel had patted her shoulder as he walked past and given her a smile that made her heart glad.
Far looked older, the lines carved deeper in his cheeks, the furrows in his forehead more pronounced. And did he not stand quite as straight either?
Pa, look at me
. She wanted to say it, but the saucy nerve that used to make him laugh had died, along with her heart, in Seattle. After supper she helped Grace clear the table, and two of the students did the dishes.
That evening by the time she and Grace climbed the stairs to their room, her far still had not even looked at her. Once they were in their nightdresses, they sat cross-legged on the bed facing each other.
‘‘I never meant to hurt you,’’ Sophie said, clutching her sister’s hands. ‘‘Not Ma and Pa either. I am so sorry. Can you forgive me?’’
‘‘I already have.’’ Grace held Sophie’s hand to her cheek. ‘‘I knew something terrible happened.’’
‘‘Mor told me.’’
‘‘And I knew you were happy. When you got sad, I knew it.’’
Sophie nodded. ‘‘Did you know I’m pregnant?’’
Grace shook her head. ‘‘Oh Sophie, that’s why my stomach was upset.’’
‘‘Really?’’
Grace nodded. ‘‘Really.’’
The two stared at each other, until Sophie grinned. ‘‘I hope you’ve not been puking like me.’’
‘‘Ah, Grace . . .’’ Sophie shook her head and caught a yawn. ‘‘I am so tired.’’
‘‘Go to sleep. We can talk tomorrow.’’ Grace leaned forward and hugged her sister, then pulled back the covers and blew out the lamp while Sophie crawled into bed with a deep sigh.
Grace had forgiven her. They fell asleep with their arms around each other, just as they had when infants.
Sophie woke to a quiet house and an empty bed. How had they all gotten off to school and she had never heard a peep? She turned over cautiously and waited. Amazingly, she felt well, so she sat up and wrapped the quilt around her. The grate in the hall brought up warm air from the furnace that roared in the cellar. Far and Haakan had put coal-burning furnaces in each of the houses the year before, so they no longer dressed by the stove in the kitchen. Even so, there was frost on the inside of the window. The sun set the ice fronds to glittering. Sun when she woke up in the morning. Now having it back, she realized how much she had missed that in Seattle. When the sun shone there, it had to be the most beautiful place on all the earth, but the gray days far outnumbered the sunny ones, and rarely had she awoken to sun pouring in her window.
She chose a looser fitting dress that she could button the back by herself and, after brushing her hair, made her way downstairs. Her mother and Ilse would be in the classroom teaching the new students to sign, along with reading and writing. Few had had any schooling before coming to the deaf school, and the first year here was mostly catch-up classes for them so they could soon attend the regular school, where all the students and teachers signed right along with regular speech.
She cut herself a couple slices of bread and toasted them on the rack over the open flame of the kitchen stove. A pleasant aroma came from some kind of stew cooking in the oven for the noon meal. For a change, the smell didn’t make her feel sick, a regular occurrence in Seattle. Why did she feel so much better today? The toast, along with cheese cut off the small round under the clear glass dome, and a dish of applesauce made a fine breakfast. And the sun shining on her shoulder as she sat in her mother’s rocker made it all complete. Contentment. What a good feeling.
If only Hamre
. . . The thought slapped contentment like a cat on a mouse. Tears trickled down her cheeks. So many
what if
s and
might
have been
s. If only she had kissed him good-bye. Instead, she had acted like a small child, stamping her foot for not getting her own way.
How . . . how could I have acted so? I knew he had to leave. He’d told me
over and over. He was a fisherman at heart and never as happy as he was
on a boat on the sea. I knew that
.
The tears poured harder. She leaned her head against the back of the rocker and let the sobs take over.
‘‘Ah, dear heart.’’ Her mother’s voice came softly, as gentle as the hand on her head.
‘‘Oh, Mor, I cannot tell you how terrible I acted. You would be so ashamed of me.’’ She took the handkerchief offered and, after blowing her nose, wiped her eyes.
Kaaren pulled up another chair and took her daughter’s hands. ‘‘Just tell me and get it over with. They say confession is good for the soul.’’
Sophie stumbled over the first part of the story, and then it gained strength in spite of the tears she had to keep wiping. ‘‘You see, I failed him so terribly. And there is nothing I can do about it now.’’
Kaaren continued stroking Sophie’s hands, except when she had to dab at her own tears. ‘‘Losing someone you love is always terribly hard, but when you add guilt to that, the burden becomes unbearable.
Remember God’s Word: ‘If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just to forgive us our sins, and to cleanse us from all unrighteousness.’ You memorized that years ago, and God never changes.’’
‘‘But I let Hamre down. He would have waited the year that Far asked, but I pushed him into taking me.’’
‘‘We guessed that.’’
‘‘And then I blamed him for leaving me.’’ She stared into her mother’s eyes. ‘‘And I can’t ever ask him to forgive me.’’
‘‘I know, but you can ask God. And He will. And since Hamre believed in Jesus, he is standing now with all the heavenly hosts, and there is no lack of love or forgiveness there.’’
‘‘Oh, Mor, are you sure?’’
‘‘As sure as I see you sitting here.’’ Kaaren used the corner of her apron to wipe Sophie’s face again. ‘‘You know to read your Bible and spend time praying.’’
Sophie sniffed and stared at her hands clasped in her mother’s. ‘‘Not like you do.’’
‘‘No, because you lived on our faith. You haven’t all the years of experience. I could not make it through a normal day, let alone all the hard places like this, without the comfort and the instruction I find in His Word and trusting that it is true.’’
Sophie shook her head slowly from side to side. ‘‘You say God forgives me and that Hamre has, but what about Far?’’
‘‘I can’t answer for him. You will have to go to him and ask. Tell him the truth and ask for his forgiveness.’’
‘‘I’m afraid. What if he doesn’t love me anymore?’’
Kaaren looked up at the sound of sleigh bells. ‘‘We have company.’’ She rose and went to look out the window. ‘‘Why, what a surprise! It’s Bridget and Henry in Thorliff ’s sleigh.’’
‘‘I must look a sight.’’ But finding the energy to rise and wash her face took more than Sophie had to give. When she tried to stand, her knees felt like unset jelly, and she sat back down. All she wanted to do was go back to bed, crawl under the covers, and sleep, for in sleep there were no memories and harsh realities. Instead, she smoothed her hair back and used her apron to dry her face.
‘‘Come in, come in. What a wonderful surprise. Just leave the horse there for now. He might like a bit of the sun too.’’
‘‘We can’t stay long. Dinnertime will be here before you know it.’’ Bridget, her cheeks bright red in the cold and her eyes sparkling like the sun on the snow, let Henry help her out of the sleigh. ‘‘Bring in the bricks too. I’m sure Kaaren will warm them in the oven.’’
‘‘Of course.’’ Kaaren went down the steps to help the older woman up.
‘‘I have come to see Sophie.’’
‘‘She’s right in the kitchen.’’ At the top of the step Kaaren turned to the gray-haired man. ‘‘Hello, Henry. Welcome.’’ As they stepped inside, she held out her arms. ‘‘Here, let me take your coats.’’
They both hustled over to the stove and rubbed their hands in the rising heat.
‘‘That sun sure is deceptive. Looks so warm, but the wind has a bite. Feels like another blizzard coming on.’’ Henry was known for his accurate weather predictions.
‘‘So we enjoy the sun while we can. You have to admit this has been a rather easy winter so far.’’ Kaaren hung up their coats, scarves, and hats. ‘‘Sit down here, and Bridget, you talk with Sophie while I fix something to go with the coffee.’’
‘‘Welcome home, my dear.’’ Bridget took the chair with a sigh. ‘‘I’ve come to ask for your help.’’
‘‘Mine?’’ Sophie laid a hand against her throat.
‘‘Ja, yours. I need more help with the boardinghouse, and I think you need a job.’’ She turned to Kaaren. ‘‘Unless she is going back to school?’’
‘‘Ask her.’’ Kaaren looked up from cutting squares of eggekake, a yellow cake with creamy frosting.
‘‘I don’t think Pastor would want a woman with child back in the schoolroom.’’
‘‘Ah, I see. And from the pale look I see about your eyes, you are still feeling poorly?’’
Sophie nodded. ‘‘Although today I feel better.’’
‘‘Because you are home where your Mor can take care of you.’’
Henry smiled at Sophie. ‘‘We are so sorry to hear about Hamre. He grew up to be a fine young man.’’
‘‘Ja.’’ Bridget shook her head with a sigh. ‘‘He looked so much like his grandfather Hamre, Gustaf ’s brother, I nearly choked when I saw him return from Seattle. He got his love of the sea from generations back.’’
‘‘She’s a hard mistress, that sea.’’ Henry smiled when Kaaren handed him a cup of coffee on a saucer. ‘‘Mange takk.’’
‘‘So, to go back to why we are here. Would you come work with me? I need help with the front desk—you know, making folks to feel to home—and with the bookwork especially. I just can’t get up and down those stairs like I used to.’’
‘‘You’re an old woman, and I’m an older man. Saints be praised we hung on this long.’’
‘‘Speak for yourself.’’ She pushed at Henry’s knee.
‘‘Careful, you’ll make me spill my coffee.’’ He poured some in the saucer and blew on it before slurping it down.
Kaaren set a slice of cake in front of everyone and then took a seat herself.
‘‘But what will you do when I start to show?’’
‘‘Why, we’ll make you bigger dresses. You and the baby will have a room of your own, and you’ll carry him or her in a sling like your mor did with you and Grace.’’
She has it all figured out
. Sophie stared at the woman she’d known as Bestemor all her life, even though the relationship technically wasn’t so. But since Kaaren had once been Bridget’s daughter-in-law, that made her the honorary matriarch over all the families.
‘‘Just say you will, Sophie, and we will go back and fix up a room just for you. I will love to have you close to hand.’’
Sophie sighed and nodded. ‘‘I will come. When?’’
‘‘Is tomorrow too soon?’’
‘‘She’d take you back with us today if you let her.’’ Henry leaned forward and patted Sophie’s hand. ‘‘A pretty face like yours is just what the boardinghouse needs. Always a sight for old eyes.’’
‘‘But . . . but what about when I am sick in the morning?’’
‘‘We will work around that. Soon you will feel much better.’’
Henry laid his fork back on his plate. ‘‘Now we got that settled, we best be on our way.’’
‘‘You could stay for dinner.’’ Kaaren held up the coffeepot, the universal signal for refills.
‘‘Nei, I’m needed to be home.’’
‘‘She’s just afraid Mrs. Sam might realize she can get along without her,’’ Henry confided as he helped his wife to her feet. ‘‘You sure you don’t want to come along with us now?’’
Sophie thought a moment.
Uff da. How am I supposed to know what
to do?
‘‘
I
WILL INTRODUCE YOU to all of our guests at supper.’’
Sophie felt like she was on an out-of-control buggy ride. Choosing to come in with Bridget and Henry rather than waiting until school was out to have Grace bring her to the boardinghouse had seemed the best decision at the time. The easiest for everyone. There hadn’t been many guests for dinner, but that was the usual, Bridget had told her. Shortly after they had arrived, Henry had gone to their room for a nap, causing Bridget to check on him frequently in between fixing up Sophie’s new room.
‘‘You’ve made some changes since I left.’’
‘‘That we have. Haakan and Lars, they took out a wall to make bigger the dining room. Since the flour mill got going, we have needed more room. We are talking about adding on another section. With more people living here in Blessing and around the area, we have more drummers passing through too.’’
Sophie knew drummers meant salesmen, not musicians. ‘‘You have a good reputation. They even knew the Bjorklund name in Seattle.’’
‘‘Bjorklund cheese?’’
‘‘Ja, and people on the train knew of this boardinghouse. They said if you want a good meal, stay here.’’
‘‘That is good.’’ Bridget beamed. ‘‘I will show you how to register people.’’
‘‘Like a hotel more than a boardinghouse.’’
‘‘Ja, if you say so. They must write their name and home address and business, if they are on business. Some of the rooms are different prices; those are listed here in the front. We have three rooms that men can share if they want to go cheaper. This is the list of guests.’’