S.O.S. (55 page)

‘Fraid not, Trish, no. It's not because of you.'

‘Oh look – Nicole is coming over, now. Did you notice? I called her Nicole. I don't seem to
mind
that she's your bloody wife any more. Is that awful?'

‘I don't know, Trish. I honestly just don't know.'

‘Well look – very quickly: goodbye, David. I mean – I'm sure I don't mean goodbye for
ever
, or anything. Nothing's for keeps, is it?'

David sighed. ‘No,' he said. ‘Nothing.'

‘
Well
, you two!' Nicole was hailing them. ‘We're finally
here
. All
terribly
exciting. Do you feel all right now, Pat?'

‘I feel fine. Totally fine. It seems impossible, now, how ill I was feeling.'

‘Oh
God
…' deplored Nicole, quite suddenly – her attention distracted. ‘Marianne! Where are you –? Don't wander
off
, heaven's sake. They'll be calling us soon, won't they? Hm?'

‘I won't be long,' said Marianne. ‘It's so stuffy in here. I'm just going out on deck. Bit of air.'

‘Well all
right
…' agreed Nicole, quite doubtfully. ‘ But don't let's for heaven's sake have to come and
find
you …'

‘Two minutes,' smiled Marianne.

Yes, she thought: two minutes ought to do it. Just to look again at the deserted and sunlit wastes of this massive great hulk, and somehow come to terms with having lived here for a week. That, and other things.

She wandered past the big green baize-topped table. The jigsaw wasn't finished. I think, thought Marianne, that as soon as people realized there were all those pieces missing, their hearts just somehow were no longer there. She heaved open the great heavy door leading out on to the deck – sucked in her breath in readiness for the roaring blast of wind and cold, but there was none of that, now. The sun was warm – the white paintwork quite blinding. Where before there had been only the boundless sea, there now loomed the impossible pop-up immediacy of New York City – the tallest of the buildings seemingly mirrored and blazing with reflected sunlight. Marianne walked her usual route, to the very stern. A Union Jack now fluttered brightly from the jutting-out pole – there had been no flag before. How odd. And this is odd, too – no churned-up wake, no wave to set one's eye upon and watch with alarm as it fled to the horizon.

‘Hello. Please don't be alarmed.'

Marianne hunched low to save her from the worst of this quite jarring collision with a human voice amid all this empty stillness. But even as she turned, real shock was alive now, and coursing through her like a charge. She simply stared.

‘I don't …' she faltered, ‘I can't …?'

‘I hardly,' said Tom, very softly, ‘ can believe it myself.'

‘Tom. Can I … touch you? Are you
real
?'

And then her eyes were blind with clogged-up tears, and she rushed at him and hugged his waist and his arms flew up and away from him in maybe just surprise – and then they slowly came in and down to rest on each of Marianne's shoulders.

‘I'm so sorry …' he said. ‘I really
did
mean to, you know. There was no question that I wouldn't. I just got so … scared. My intention, I think, was to realize what I already deep inside felt myself to be: cast adrift, you see? Had I not met you, I know I would have done it. In the end, I was scared … not of
dying
, no – just scared of losing even
more
…'

‘Tom …' moaned Marianne, the whole of her in turmoil. And then she pulled back from him and dashed away from her face what hot tears she could. ‘But why didn't you …? Where
were
you? They looked
everywhere
, and I – !'

‘Here,' said Tom, simpering nearly like an imbecile, one finger pointing skyward.

Marianne thought she might go mad with confusion. She bit her lip and stamped her foot down.

‘I don't …
understand
…!'

‘The lifeboat. This one right above us. One hundred and thirty-nine persons – remember? Well, even just for me, it was far from being any sort of a
picnic
, I do assure you. The storm was the worst. Dying would have been preferable to that, but I simply couldn't move, by that time. I prayed – I prayed and I thought of you. I was so very
cold
, Marianne …'

‘Oh …
Tom
…'

‘My diet consisted mainly of my Mary's macaroons. The very last batch she made for me. As your intuition might have told you, I'm not really much of an eater. One more thing I should like you to know. Do you recall the woman? The woman I approached from behind? Who I said to you reminded me of someone? She didn't. Didn't remind me of anyone at all. I
touch
women in this way quite habitually. I am surprised you witnessed just the one encounter. It's the only way I know how to … bridge the distance.'

Marianne just stared at him, unblinkingly.

Tom sighed. ‘At least, now, Mary is at peace …'

‘And you, Tom? What about you?'

‘Ah. Me. I am enriched by having known you, Marianne. Thank you. You saved my soul.'

‘Tom … I can't tell you how I
feel
. I'm just so –. Where are you staying? Can I see you in New York? We have to
talk.'

‘Alas. Not staying. That was never the plan, obviously. No – I'll take the first flight back. This is my address in England. Maybe you might … like to write?'

‘Oh Tom,' said Marianne. ‘Oh
Tom …'

*

‘Oh
here
she is!' declared Nicole. ‘It's all right, Rollo – she's here now. Oh God at last – where have you
been
, Marianne? Two
minutes
, you said – we've all been waiting around like
lemons
. Come on – we're going. Now is everyone sure they've
got
everything, yes?' I thought, you know, of saying something to
Anthony
, that dear Captain … but I couldn't think
what
and so I didn't, in the end. Probably best for all concerned. He anyway seems terribly preoccupied: not, I am sure, anything to do with me, alas. Anyway. ‘Oh David
do
snap out of it, can't you? You're meant to be on
holiday
.'

‘Mm? Oh yes. No no – I'm fine,' David assured her. ‘Well, Marianne – all right? Not too bad?'

‘All
right
. Daddy. I'm all
right.'

And goodness, you know, she really did seem to mean it. Marvellous, isn't it, David was musing now: the way the young can just spring back, like that. Seemed suicidal, what – day ago? Maybe it's just that they don't really feel things as deeply as we do. Possible? Could be that. Couldn't really tell you.

They were shuffling down the covered gangway – each of them handed back, now, their laminated ID cards (I won't at all, Nicole assured them, be sorry to see the back of
that
little horror) and now they emerged into what seemed to be a colossal and clatteringly active aircraft hangar, piled high with avenues of cases and trunks and crates, what was left of the floorspace swarming with busy busy people.

‘We're
P
,' said Nicole. ‘Red label,
P
 – anyone see it?'

‘Down the other end, pretty sure,' said Rollo – squinting in the direction.

‘Would be,' grunted David. ‘So, Rollo – looking forward?'

‘Yes I
am
, actually, Dad. You remember Jilly?'

‘Jilly? Oh yes – Jilly. Bargirl. Ah I see. Oh well good luck to you. Won't be seeing much of
you
, then, will we?'

Yes, my dear son – yes: bloody good luck to you. God how I envy you. God I do. There's that woman over there, look. Jennifer. Mm. Never did get to speak to her again. She suddenly vanished. But that's the sort of woman, you know, I should really be with – she'd be so good for me, Jennifer would: just my speed. If she could stand me. Oh Christ – who in hell am I kidding? Even if I had her, how long would it take? Hey? Before I somehow got round to finding a way to fuck it all up. God, my guts are
killing
me … that doctor of mine, he's in for a hell of a
probe
, isn't he? Which will, of course, cost me. Because these things
do
, you know (yes they do: these things, and others).

‘Hey! Nicole! Over here, girl!'

‘
Charlene
!' Nicole was shrieking. And they fell into each other's arms, David could not help but notice, quite as if (a) they had last encountered maybe forty-six years back, and (b) they actually
liked
one another, or something of that nature.

‘We're waiting for a, like –
truck
? Twenny-four cases paddery, I got here. Dwight says to me, whadduryou? Opening up a
store
? Whaddurwe, he's going – Bergdorf
Goodman
already? Hey – you'll never guess. What lil gal you reckon won the jackpot
sweep
?'

Nicole felt sick as she tried to look thrilled.

‘
You
did? Oh how
marvellous
, Charlene!'

‘Yup. A tad over two thousand bucks. Good, huh? Dwight says to me Great – howsabout maybe you hand it over? I told him to get outta here.'

Dwight was just standing there, David could not help but observe, in front of those two sulky kids of his (one of whom I briefly cherished). He has stiffened as my eye just momentarily alighted upon him. But he, Christ – just barely held the gaze, and very nearly nodded. I now must close my eyes and set to following Nicole in quest of our baggage. So long, Dwight. If I cherished anyone at all, it just had to be you. Bye, old buddy.

‘David!' snapped Nicole. ‘What's wrong? Why have you got your eyes closed? Very
strange
, all that – did you hear? Just the day before
yesterday
, Charlene couldn't wait to get us all over to their apartment – Park Avenue, I think she said. Somewhere. Anyway now it's all
off
, apparently, because none of them will be
there
, she says. Maybe going home to Vietnam. But don't you think all that's rather
strange
? A bit
off
? God – now we're on dry land, my legs have all gone to jelly … David? What's wrong? Why have you got your eyes closed? You're not
ill
, are you? Not on this day of
all
days?'

‘No no,' he assured her. ‘I'm fine. Really.'

No no, don't worry, I won't spoil it for you, Nicole – not on
this
day of all days. There is, after all, quite a lot more to come, isn't there, of this Trip of a Lifetime: I haven't forgotten. God, it's so very
warm
, you know. Another perfect summer's day on Terra Firma – and in the Land of the Free. But I'm still locked up … and I feel so all at sea …

I think I need a drink.

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