Soul Catcher (24 page)

‘Do you ever think about your abortion?’ I asked her.

‘Sometimes. Why?’

‘Does John know?’

She shrugged. ‘Maybe.’

‘Don’t you think it’ll make a difference? With John, I mean.’

She tugged me closer. ‘You mean if we ever
do it?
’

‘I guess.’

‘I don’t know.’ She paused. ‘Are you pregnant?’

‘Sometimes I wish I were.’

‘Hey, Patrick’s gone, it wouldn’t change things.’

‘At least I’d have something.’

‘Perfect. You’d be a teen mother of a dead junkie’s kid. Face it, it wouldn’t exactly be romantic’

Tears came suddenly. ‘You don’t understand!’ I shouted, pulling away from her.

‘Hey, no one... Look, I’m sorry. I’m not trying to hurt you, I just want you to see it like it is.’

‘I know he’s gone.’

‘Do you?’

‘I love him, Gwen. That hasn’t stopped. What am I supposed to do?’

She sighed. ‘I don’t know.’

We finished our cigarettes in the Smoking Circle. ‘John says he liked me all along,’ Gwen said. ‘Hey Kate, what about Troy?’

‘What about him?’

‘John says he has the hots for you. I bet he’d dump that Janice if you said the word.’

‘Gwen —’

‘I’m thinking of your future.’

But in my heart, I didn’t have one. I couldn’t even think of another boy. All I wanted was to dive into the earth after Patrick.

We went to the science field and sat at the foot of the hill
looking at the dome. Wisps of pink and purple were weaving into the darkness: morning was coming. Gwen took out two more cigarettes and asked for the lighter. She lit both cigarettes at the same time, gave me one, and pocketed the Bic.

‘Did you hear about Nicole?’ she said.

‘What?’

‘She ran away from home. No one knows where she is. Probably hit the streets again. I feel bad for her.’

‘Why couldn’t Silvera just let her stay?’

‘Money, I guess.’

Gwen stared at the dome. ‘Did you see Peter?’

‘No.’

‘He said to tell you there was something in the dome. He’s so fucking mysterious, he wouldn’t tell me. I think I see something though. What is it?’

In the pale rising light, the dome assumed a milky transparency. I could just see the soul catcher dangling in the center, swaying very slightly. Its shadow rocked like a pendulum, slowly grazing the rounded inner walls.

‘It’s a soul catcher,’ I said.

‘What the —’

‘A soul catcher. I can’t explain.’

I understood. Patrick was in the dome, harnessed by the soul catcher.
A dream.
He had become a real part of Peter’s mystical building block, and a post in the structure of my spirit. Leaving the soul catcher in the dome was a statement — not about the stark, sad fact of Patrick’s heroin addiction, but about the value of the life it destroyed.

‘Fuck it.’ Gwen tossed her burning cigarette butt down the hill. It sizzled on the wet grass. ‘It was just a simple question, but don’t do me any favors.’

I sighed. ‘It’s supposed to capture lost souls.’

Gwen leaned her shoulder against mine. We watched the pale orange sun rise over the dome, which glowed faintly as light crept up the sky.

Morning: beginning locked tight with ending. Patrick was gone — there was nothing I could do.

We waited until all shades of darkness had been swallowed up. Then we started up the hill toward the dorm.