Soul of Flame (Imdalind Series #4) (19 page)

Even though Ryland sounded the same right then, he wasn’t the same as he had been, and the person he was now still terrified me. I clawed my fingers into the wood as the muscles tensed in my back. Ilyan’s magic responded immediately to soothe the tautness away.

“I don’t want to lose who you were, Ryland,” I admitted, “but I can’t trust who you are… I mean…” My throat closed up as words failed me, my chest tightening. Part of me was still terrified about how he would react to what I had to say.

I waited in the silence, Ilyan’s hand leaving mine to run over the skin of my arm, the gentle contact soothing me further, but it wasn’t quite enough.

I lifted my other hand to the door, almost wishing I could open it and speak to him face to face. I knew that was impossible, but just the thought brought the image of Ryland gasping for breath to mind, something deep inside rejoicing at the memory and calling for blood.

“I know what you mean. Part of me still loves you, Jos. Part of me is desperate for you, but then I close my eyes and that you vanishes. I’m only left with the nightmares my father gave me,” Ryland said, his voice soft as he repeated the words that had just gone through my mind.

It wasn’t just me; it was Ryland, too. He was trapped in the same middle-ground hell that his father had created for us with the sole purpose of keeping us apart in the hopes that, sooner or later, one would kill the other and break the sight apart. It had almost happened, too.

“It’s not fair,” I moaned, trying to ignore the stinging in my eyes, the guilt at what I had tried to do, and the anger at what Edmund had done to us.

“Jos… if you weren’t scared of me, if you didn’t want to fight me so bad… do you think… I mean... could we…” The tension in me grew the longer Ryland spoke, the intentions of what he was saying bringing back the tidal wave of fear. No matter how much Ilyan tried to work against it, it kept coming.

“What? Be together? Replace the bond?” I spat, disgusted. The idea was almost laughable even in my numbed state. I knew it wouldn’t work, and even if it did, those feelings that I had for him had been killed over the months that I had run from him. Whether I was trapped in reality or not, the love I had once felt was gone, and I didn’t think there was any way to get it back.

“No, Jos,” he said as the small amount of tension that had escaped Ilyan’s hold vanished. “I wasn’t lying when I said that I loved you and would do anything for you, but I don’t think I can anymore. I loved you once, but I can’t deny that part of me that wants to kill you. I’m trying to fight it, but it will always be there. I don’t want to risk hurting you. I need to let you go. You need to let me go, so that we can both heal.”

My hands dropped from the door at his words, shock wrapping around me at what he was saying. I supposed I should have been more upset—my heart should have broken—yet it wasn’t. Because I was free. Free from a relationship that had only caused me pain.

“Besides, I don’t think my intentions of being with you were the most honorable,” he said, his voice fading away as he turned from me.

“Did Ilyan tell you to say that?” I said, the laugh in my voice sounding a bit more accusatory than I intended it to be.

“What? No. I still have a hard time with it, but Ilyan is good. Really good. He makes me feel like I am actually part of a family who loves me.”

My eyes opened in shock at his words, my head turning to Ilyan, but he wasn’t looking at me. He was focused on the door, his lips in a tight line as relief radiated off him, as he tried to lock his joy inside. His thoughts flew through me, memories of all the siblings he had helped, and all the ones he had failed, mixing with his fear that the same would happen to Ryland. However, Ryland had dashed all of that and had given Ilyan joy. Joy that Ryland was calming, and that Ilyan was going to be able to help him, that he may not lose him.

I pulled my hand away from the door and wrapped it around Ilyan’s, my groggy magic flowing into him. We stood in silence like that, Ilyan’s relief mixing with the numb bliss he had already given me until I felt like I could float away.

“I miss my best friend.” Ryland’s voice came from the door after a few minutes, and I turned toward it, the drugged feeling swimming through me with the quick movement. “I miss laughing and joking. I miss you.”

“I miss you,too, Ry,” I whispered, not sure he could hear me. “But I don’t think I can—”

“I know,” he interrupted, his voice just as soft as mine.

I could hear the desperation in his voice, the gentle longing so powerful that I couldn’t help but agree. I nodded quietly, knowing he couldn’t see, but unable to put into words the fears and hopes that plagued my own mind. Right then, it was my chance to make things better, possibly the only one I would get.

I looked down at the necklace on the floor, my heart beating wildly in my chest. Maybe we weren’t quite as broken as I thought.

Ilyan followed me as I sunk down to the floor, my back pressing against the door frame as I sat on the stone floor, my fingers curling around the fine silver chain.

“I have something for you, Ry. Something that might help.” I raised my voice to make sure he could hear, and moved the necklace under the crack in the door, careful to keep my fingers on my side.

“Jos? What?” Ryland asked, his voice rising in confusion. Even though he knew why he was here, I was sure he couldn’t see it.

“It’s your necklace, on the floor.”

“I can’t take this back, Jos. It’s a piece of me, remember.” I cringed at his voice, the memory of that day slapping me in the face.

This was exactly what I had been afraid of. I was scared of the good memories, the ones that would bring regret. The ones that weren’t tainted. Part of me wanted to keep them hidden, keep them safe from the horrors that I was sure were just waiting to destroy them forever.

“I know,” I said, my voice breaking as I fought back the tears that burned behind my eyes. “But I need you to. I need you to take your heart back, Ry. It doesn’t belong to me anymore.”

“Did Ilyan tell you to say that?” he spat, his angry voice causing me to jump, the same voice that had haunted me coming back so fast that the anxiety increased, my panic rushing right to the surface.

My breathing picked up as my magic swirled, the joints in my jaw stiffening. I was one quick move away from rushing the door when Ilyan pressed his hand against my face, his magic rushing into me as he smothered the fear and anger that rose up in me. I focused on Ilyan’s eyes as his warmth filled me, knowing how dangerous I was right then. I knew that with only one surge of my magic the door would fly right off its hinges.

I exhaled deeply at feeling the numbing blanket of Ilyan’s magic take over, my mind coming back to myself. I could hear whispering on the other side of the door as Sain did the same to Ryland, Ry’s voice spouting out in anger every few minutes.

“The memory bind is slipping; we don’t have much time left,” Ilyan whispered to me as I focused on him, and the last of my anxiety melted away. “You need to hurry.”

“Ry,” I said loudly, even though I could hear whispering on the other side of the door. The whispering stopped almost immediately, and the door jerked against my back as Ryland pressed himself against it.

I closed my eyes as I tried to focus, not sure if what I was about to say was going to help or not.

“I want you to have your heart back, not because I don’t love you, but because I do, just not in that way.” I stopped midsentence as my heart compressed inside my chest, the pressure so much I wasn’t sure if it was still beating. I swallowed hard and continued on, knowing I needed to say this. I needed him to understand. “I want you to have your heart back because I don’t want you to hurt anymore. I want you to feel like yourself.”

I exhaled deeply when I finished, my eyes focused on the door as I waited for him to respond. The seconds dragged on, my fingers pressing into the door as I waited, as I silently pleaded for him to accept the necklace, to take back the piece of him.

“When I made this, I had no idea who you really were,” he said out of the blue, my pressured grip against the door loosening almost instantly. “I wanted you to have it, forever, because I knew I would never see you again. I was going to run away and try to disappear. Anything to keep from what Edmund had planned for me. My father had been training me for years to hunt Ilyan. I wasn’t even going to school. He was going to send Cail and me on a kamikaze trip to kill my brother. I guess, in some ways, that still happened.”

My eyes widened at his words, Ilyan’s surprise joining my own as this new bit of information was revealed to us.

“And then, when I found your kiss, and I knew I could use you against my dad, to make him hurt the way he had made me hurt. Hurt. Hurt,” Ryland continued, his voice a snap that shot through me, the tone deep and angry. I shrunk away from the door at the sound, glad when Ilyan wrapped his arm around me, bringing me into him protectively.

“Sain?” Ilyan spoke up from beside me, his voice tense and worried as his grip on me increased.

“We are close,” Sain said before his voice deteriorated into frantic whispers on the other side of the door.

I held still against Ilyan, not sure what was happening. I could hear the whispers from the other side, soft whimpers that made my heart ache.

“Will you keep the necklace, Jos?” Ryland said through the silence, his request freezing me in place.

“I can’t…”

“No, not my heart. Just the necklace. A promise that maybe we can try to be friends again.” The plea on his voice cut through me, my breath catching in my chest. I didn’t want the necklace back, but I couldn’t deny him this.

“Of course,” I whispered as I lay against Ilyan’s chest.

The whispering on the other side of the door picked up, the frantic nature of it building until it stopped, followed by a loud grunt echoing in my ears. I moved closer to the door, Ilyan’s arms dropping from me as I pressed myself against it, desperate to hear something that would clue me into what had happened.

“It looks just like your eyes,” Ryland said, his voice so strained I barely heard it. “Wear it always.”

Ryland’s voice cut out, a scraping sound catching my attention as he pushed the necklace back under the door. I dropped to my knees as I saw it, the now clear diamond streaked with his blood. It rested on his fingertips as he pushed it toward me, the red smudges on his hand as bright as the sun.

I reached down, the tips of my fingers pressing against the cold skin of his hand as I covered the necklace. I kept my hand there, my skin pressed against the only part of him I could see. I held my breath, waiting for the connection—for something to happen—but all I felt was the iron chill of his skin and the rough texture of his hands. His fingers moved to wrap around mine, his hand twisting to drop the necklace into my hand, the stone as cold as his skin.

The necklace fell into my hand before he withdrew, taking the last of our connection with him. I looked at the necklace in my palm, the silvery diamond, the color of my eyes, just as he had said.

My face heated and burned as I stared blankly into my hand, my body feeling numb as Ilyan’s barrier wore off. I barely registered his fingers as they carefully removed the necklace from my hand, his touch soft against my hair as he moved it out of the way.

Silence stretched between us as Ilyan placed the necklace around my neck, the cold stone falling just below my collar bone.

I may have lost my first love, but I wasn’t going to let Edmund take away my best friend, too, even if it took years to trust him again. I would give my heart to try.

“Always,” I gasped, even though I knew he had gone. My fingers reached up to wrap around the stone that was now nothing but a diamond.

Thirteen

I knew I was dreaming, like really dreaming. Not the controlled nightmares Cail had cursed me with, but the disconnected visions of my own subconscious. Although I wasn’t sure that was any better.

It had been so long since I’d had an actual dream that I had almost forgotten what they felt like. I had forgotten the way everything felt disconnected and wobbly, as if I was trapped underwater.

I stood still in our room as I watched the storm rage beyond the balcony, flashing in angry light as it came closer. Thunderheads rumbled as the lightning flashed, the aggression so quick I was afraid the storm would move right into the room, and the lightning would take us away.

Ilyan stood on the balcony, framed by the flashes of white. His back was tense under his shirt as he watched the storm, both of us frozen in fear before he turned around. I saw his mouth move as he yelled at me, his face panicked. I jumped in place at Ilyan’s reaction before I began to run around the room, following instructions that I couldn’t hear. I collected items as Ilyan continued to yell, most of which I had never seen before. Candles and clothing mixed together with weird twigs, leather-bound books, and a golden box with bears embossed on the top. I kept running, the pile growing higher and higher until I was sure I had grabbed everything.

I turned to face Ilyan, his back still to me as lightning erupted just beyond the balcony, so close he could almost stretch out and touch it. So close, that I wanted him to try.

One after another the bolts hit the ground until the room was so full of light I had nowhere else to look than at the raging storm, and the dark-haired man who stood where Ilyan had been only moments before.

Everything in me seized up at the sight of Ilyan’s father, his oppressive size holding me in place. I knew I was screaming. I could feel the terror ring clear as my heart rate increased. However, I heard nothing until he turned around, the wicked hunger in his eyes cutting through my soul.

The sneer on Edmund’s lips turned into a laugh as he approached me. The silence left as my ears filled with the gut-wrenching laugh, the sound louder than it should have been, feeling like tar against my heart.

I knew I was screaming louder, even though I couldn't hear the noise—I only heard Edmund’s laugh. I only saw the nightmare. I fought against the dream, my conscious mind begging me to wake up, but I only stood, glued in the icicles of Edmund’s eyes as he walked closer. Step by step he came until he was right in front of me... his hand reaching toward me, his laugh echoing in my ears.