“Do you still love her?” Pam asked, afraid he was going to say yes.
“No. I mean I will always love her because we have children together, and I hope someday we can be in the same room and be civil, but romantic love? No. She hasn’t tried to talk to me in almost a year. Everything I’ve heard has come from my children. If I see her in town, we avoid each other. It’s sad really. We must have stopped even liking each other a long time ago.
“What I am fighting is the temptation to be bitter. It keeps cropping up suddenly and that makes me nuts.” John turned to Pam again and smiled. “Except this week. I haven’t felt angry since Wednesday. I wonder why?”
He took her hands and Pam examined his face in the candlelight. “I’m afraid,” she said. “I must be a martyr because I keep longing for a relationship in spite of repeatedly failing. I think I rush into these things and we don’t know each other well enough.”
“Loneliness will do that to you. I’m just the opposite. My kids call me a recluse.”
“I’m sort of a recluse, too,” Pam admitted. “But I guess because I loved being married so much, I keep trying to recreate my marriage.”
“Well, that says a lot about how great your marriage was,” John said. Pam snickered.
“Think about what you just said, John. I have AIDS. Who did I get it from?” He nodded his head.
“Okay, I see your point. Then what are you trying to recreate? You might have lost me back there.”
She looked ahead, out to sea, but there wasn’t even a speck of light to break up the darkness, the moon now behind a cloud. “I lived in a fantasy world. I wanted my life a certain way and I achieved it. My husband lived in the city during the week and I spent my life preparing for his homecoming all week long, year after year. My life revolved around my kids, probably like Cassandra’s did. She and I aren’t that much different.”
“So we were both living in a dream world with unhappy partners.”
“I’m not sure Jack was unhappy; he had an agenda that I knew nothing about. That’s not true, he might have been unhappy and wasn’t aware that something was missing until he met…” Here, Pam almost slipped and said “Sandra. She didn’t want to spend the evening talking about Sandra because it was relevant to their growing friendship. So she revised her sentence; “Until he met someone else he liked better.”
“I’m sorry,” John said softly.
“You have nothing to be sorry about. I sort of brought it on myself by not acknowledging problems that were right in front of my face.”
“Well, it appears we have similar experiences,” John said. Pam thought, not exactly, but let it go. It was time to stop weighing the magnitude of what had been done to her. It was really quite common after all. Husbands did their own thing, wives reacted and sometimes it was the opposite. What was Cassandra Zapelli’s chief complaint with her husband? Was it as simple as John understood it to be; her feeling unappreciated?
“How long is your friend going to stay?” he asked, wanting to grab her but controlling it.
“Probably through tomorrow. Lisa and Dan will come over with the children later in the afternoon, although once Lisa hears that Brent is here she might come sooner. What are you doing?”
“I have a meal with my children on Sunday. But once we are finished, I’d like to come back. See the family in action.”
They helped each other standup, laughing. “Courtship at this age is so different than in our youth,” John said, trying not to grunt.
“You aren’t kidding.” Pam walked him to the door and he didn’t linger, bending over kiss her on the lips, then leaving, turning to wave.
“Flip that switch so the fountain shuts off,” he said, pointing to an electrical switch on the porch. “I’ll put it on a timer tomorrow.”
“Okay,” she answered “Good night.” She imagined her house entirely renovated, with everything changed around, for free. It would be a small price to pay for companionship. Not waiting for him to leave, she walked back into her house, longing for the solitude she’d had after Jack died. But Sandra was upstairs and her presence diminished the peace Pam searched for.
The sacred bedroom awaited her. Entering, she closed and locked her door. Looking around Pam knew that if she and John ended up together, it would not be in this room. It was apparently cursed since she’d been unable to maintain a relationship. Maybe Jack
did
linger there, even though she didn’t find him as often. “Jack are you here?” she whispered. A slight breeze rustled the drapery. The sound of the waves hitting the sand in rhythmic strokes beckoned her.
Going to the window, pinpricks of pleasure played over her flesh when she saw a sign; a trawler out to sea pulling its diminutive dinghy behind, twinkling lights on the fishing lines, very faint chug of diesel engine riding the waves toward her. “Oh Jack.” Sitting on the edge of the bed, she started to cry. It had been over five years and she was still crying. She missed the mystique of their relationship. It was never boring for her.
How could she find room for a man’s man like John in the heart still battered by pretty boy Jack?
She laughed out loud through her tears, thinking of him in that way. When he was young, he used to shave his chest.
“What are you doing?” she asked shocked, the first time he did it in front of her.
“You don’t want your old man in public with ten hairs, do you? It’s better to have none.” Closing her eyes, she willed memories of seeing him naked later. Did he still shave his chest?
Ask Sandra
, a voice in her head said.
“Oh, shut up.” Asking to continue to accept Sandra in order to be in Brent’s life, seemed out of proportion. It was too much for Pam. All the young woman’s presence did anymore was make her feel bad about herself. It might be time to institute the grandchild visitation request, in which he came to the beach without his mother. She’d wait and see, maybe talk to Lisa about it. Lisa was sagacious about most things, Pam thought. Getting ready for bed, she hummed Nancy Wilson’s tune again from
How Glad I Am.
Thinking about Jack, remembering the good things about him made her happy, even if it did block out thoughts of John.
Leaving the drapery open so she could watch the path of the ship, Pam finally crawled between the crisp sheets and fell asleep quickly, dreaming of a beautiful man who would end up destroying her life.
Chapter 17
Lisa waited for Dan Friday night, going through the motions of motherhood, nursing two boys, helping bathe and dress the children in their pajamas and get them ready for bed. The minutes ticking by without a word from him distressed her, made her sick, losing what little appetite she had. Upstairs she kneeled on the girl’s bedroom floor while they played dolls when she heard the garage door open and murmuring voices in the rooms below. Rocking back on her heels, she stood up when she heard shoes on the wood stairway. Her anger was choking her, but she bit it back, determining that she wouldn’t attack him in front of the children. She waited for him to come into the girl’s room, but he must have used the toilet first; she could hear the door close and the water running. Lucky for Dan, it diffused the bubbling fury so that when he finally knocked on the door and opened it up she could be civil.
“Sorry about that,” he said, sheepishly. “Things took longer today than usual. My client lost so I had some damage control to do.”
“You had court today?” she asked, relieved. So
that’s
what took him all day.
“Yes, Thursday’s my new day. I should have reminded you.”
“I went by the office after I saw my mother and Donna just said you weren’t there. She never mentioned court.”
“For safety. Sorry. Rules are not to divulge my whereabouts, ever. I should have made sure you knew where I was.” He finally came into the room and hugged her.
“How’s everyone?” he asked. Lisa was still back at because she didn’t know where her husband was she let it ruin her day.
“Everyone’s fine,” she said absently. “Are you hungry?”
“Starved.”
“I haven’t eaten either. Do you want to have dinner together?”
“Okay, that sounds good. Where are the boys?” He followed her out of the girl’s room to their bedroom where she picked up the monitor, which showed two sleeping boys. “I’m sorry I missed saying goodnight again.”
“Marcus asked for you,” Lisa said. “The boys are so cute together. I hope we can find a way for them to stay close after Cara regains custody.” Dan stopped and gently grabbed her arm.
“What are you talking about, regaining custody? That ain’t happening.” Lisa ignored him.
“I’ll get Daniela to come up for the girls. Do you want to go out to eat?”
“Okay, but make it snappy. I’m starving.” Lisa’s heart was banging in her chest. She didn’t mean to start a conversation about Cara so soon, but it popped out. Dan was guarded and suspicious.
The children taken care of, they walked out to the car together, Dan opening the door for Lisa. He drove in silence, Lisa waiting for him to start to the conversation so she’d know what direction it would go. Sitting at a red light, she peeked at him out of the corner of her eye; he was stony, his jaw set. Reaching their favorite diner, Lisa didn’t wait for him to come around but quickly got out. Facing away from her, his body language spoke volumes. When he was aware of her close by, he started walking toward the door of the restaurant. Silently praying none of his family members would be inside, she smiled when he finally stepped aside to allow her to pass through before him.
“Thanks,” she said. The sat in a window booth and looked out the window at the darkening sky.
“I didn’t know it was going to rain tonight. That’s good for the farm,” Dan said, referring to his family’s farm.
“How is everyone over there?” Lisa asked. His family, once a nuisance with their continuous opinions and dropping by unannounced, had settled down and rarely bothered the couple. Lisa knew they called Dan all the time, but as long as they weren’t bothering her, she didn’t care.
“They’re good,” he answered. They made small talk about his family, looking at the menu. They ordered and when the food came, Dan finally brought up Cara.
“So what’s with the
regains custody
talk? That came out of the blue.”
“I don’t think we can hope she’ll break parole and never be eligible to be Dan’s mother again. It feels wrong to me, like all of that negativity poured out on the baby’s mother might ricochet back to him.”
Eating in silence, Dan thought about she said. “The tables have completely turned around. Last year when I wanted the charges to be dropped against Cara, you fought me.”
Lisa put her fork down and shook her head. “No offense, but you are really clueless. Think about it for second, Dan. You had sex with her, probably the day I had Marcus. Let’s not forget the origins of all this. I was pissed! I wanted her locked away so the threat of her was gone.” Spoken out, she realized how lame it sounded now. Dan would do what he wanted and Lisa’s manipulation of circumstances wasn’t going to change anything. The insight was freeing.
“Look, I’m sorry I fought you, but maybe she needed that break from her life to discover what was really important. We can’t keep her away from her son. It’s not right. I want to help her get on her feet. Do you know where she is or if she has a job? How’s she maintaining her house?”
Lisa knew she was skirting the truth, knowing the answers to the questions she was asking him. But she didn’t want him to know about her special time with Cara because he’d unintentionally ruin it.
“She lost her house,” Dan said, looking grim. “I thought about trying to save it for her but it was such a conflict after she was sentenced, I was afraid of a contempt charge. She’s in an apartment somewhere.”
“Is it big enough for the baby?”
“Probably not. And I know where it’s located and don’t want him living over there. It’s not safe.”
“Dan, we have to do something for her. You have thousands of contacts. Help her get a job.”
“I can’t believe you’re saying this,” he replied, sitting back in the booth.
“It’s for the baby I love with all my heart. I want the best for him. And the best for him is to be with his mother.”
“What about being with his father?” She succeeded in keeping her expression neutral.
“Are you serious? When’s the last time you held either of the boys?” She watched his face, waiting for him to get defensive, but he stayed calm. “No, the right thing is to allow Cara to have Dan Junior when she’s ready. I can watch him for her while she works.”
“Let’s see if I hear you correctly. You’re saying you want Cara Ellison in your, in
our
life.”
“No Dan, I don’t. But since you already put her here, I’m not going to fight it anymore for Dan Junior’s sake.” There was no reply appropriate, and she didn’t add although it was at the tip of her tongue, that if anyone should have spent a year in jail it should have been him for being such a reprobate.
“So what do we do now?”
“You have to help her get a job. Not directly, I’d like to add,” Lisa said vehemently. “When I say help, I mean get your secretary to field leads to her.”
“What about something on my family’s farm?”
“No! Just what I want are your sisters stirring the pot. She’s a business woman, she should be doing business.”
“It might not be easy with a prison record,” Dan said.
“Well, you’ll think of something.”
Eating in silence, Lisa watched Dan out of the corner of her eye.
Where was his head? He was the sneakiest person she’d ever met.
Allowing a fantasy in, she imagined what it would be like to be divorced from Dan. Out of the four children she was raising, Marcus was the only one they’d had together, so he’d be the only child she’d have to share with him. She had her own money, so her lifestyle wouldn’t change much. What
were
the benefits of being married to Dan?
While he was busy texting someone, she examined his face; he was amazingly handsome, with broad, muscular shoulders. He just exuded sexuality and when he got around to having sex with her, it was amazing. But lately, he’d seemed preoccupied in that area. Warning bells had gone off, but she was too busy with the children to allow what she thought was probably jealousy to drive her to look for more into his lack of interest in her.