Space in His Heart (26 page)

Jessica
immediately closed the massive tome and paled as she stared at him
with wide eyes and pursed lips. The poor girl was stricken with
guilt.

“We have a
serious situation in Houston, Deke. I need your help.”

“Anything.
What’s the problem?”

“
Colin
MacAffie is having some health problems. Some mental health
problems that will preclude him from taking
Endeavour
up.”

Deke
clenched his jaw and felt his teeth press on each other. He
had known
Mac was on shaky
ground when he was in Houston last week. He’d been flying
erratically and acting damn near manic-depressive. He waited for
the inevitable.

“
You’re
going to command
Endeavour
, Deke.
You’re closest to the crew in training and you know that orbiter
better than anyone.”

Colonel Price
may have thought this was a surprise, but Deke knew it had been
coming. He just knew it.

“Of course. I
can be in Houston tomorrow morning.”

Jessica’s frown
deepened. That wasn’t the look of a woman who didn’t want to be
abandoned. No, her expression was pure worry. Damn it, he hated
that look.

The Colonel
thanked him and then cleared his throat for another question. “I
have to trust Bowker to find the cause of the hydrogen leak before
you get that bird to fly. Can I?”

Deke closed his
eyes. “I have to trust him, too.”

“You can jump
into the schedule in Houston. Every minute you’re not in training,
I want you to check on those inspections.”

“You can count
on it, sir.”

“And, Deke,”
the Colonel added, “you can stop all the PR stuff now. Petrenko’s
all that matters now.”

Deke
swallowed his ‘I told you so’ and quietly agreed. When he hung up,
he nearly smiled at the irony.
Be careful what you wish
for
.

“What’s the
matter?” Jessica asked, still holding the book on her lap.

“
I’m
taking
Endeavour
up in
February.” He watched for the reaction. “Mac’s been taken off the
schedule. I’m next in line.”

She just
stared at him, her jaw dropping a little, her eyes widening a lot.
“
Endeavour
? In
February?”

He nodded and
picked up the remote to silence the TV. She slowly leaned forward,
understanding obviously starting to sink in.

“Why you? Don’t
you need to be here for the inspections? What about—”

His sarcastic
smirk stopped her cold. “What about PR?”

“
No,
Deke
.
”
She
threw the book on the table.
“I’m not going to ask that.”

“
What
about
us
?”

“Stop it!” She
blazed at him. “You know what I’m going to ask. What about that
hydrogen leak? Is it safe? Shouldn’t you say no?”

He knew
this would happen. The worry, the fear, the pleading not to do what
he had to do. He should have listened to his gut. Instead he
listened to his irrepressible male urges. And worse, his
heart.

“I’ve always
known this was a possibility,” he said.

“You knew?
You’ve never said anything about it.”

He shot her a
warning look. “I don’t have the luxury of saying no, even if I
wanted to. And by the way, I don’t want to. I’m an astronaut and
I’m in the military. It’s a life of accepting assignments, whatever
they are. That could mean spinning around in fighters on a carrier
for fun or it could mean stupid PR interviews on TV or it could
mean bumping my mission schedule up by three months. Doesn’t
matter. I do it.”

He turned
from her, determined to hide his emotions as he continued to tell
her what had to be said. “That’s why… that’s why I don’t…” He
sighed, searching for the words. He could only be honest. It was
the only way he knew. “That’s
why
my life is what it is and why I live it alone.
That way, if anything happens to me, I’m not leaving behind a
miserable heartache.”

She
turned on her heel and walked into the bedroom. In a minute, he
heard a zipper. Not the jeans kind. The satchel kind. Of course
she’d go home now
, g
uilty from breaking her company’s code and pained by
stepping all over his. He ran his hand through his hair and stared
at the silent TV screen, a blur of beefy jocks playing ball in the
snow. What a mess.

* * *

Jessica’s
fingers shook as she dropped her toothbrush into the overnight
case. It was time to go home. Real home. Boston.

The sound of
his sigh in the doorway sent a chill down her spine.

“What are you
doing?”

“Packing.” She
zipped the bag like an exclamation point.

“I thought you
might stay the night.”

She shook her
head and whipped a hair out of her face that clung to an eyelash.
“You have a lot to do, a lot to think about. It’s time for me to
leave.”

“I understand
if you want to do that. It’s not necessary.”

She
straightened and stared at her bag. “I don’t want to be anyone’s
miserable heartache.”

She looked up
to see his reaction. If it hurt him, he didn’t show it. His eyes
softened and his arms fell to his sides as though he wanted to
reach for her but didn’t know if it would be welcome.

“I’m just
trying to tell you that you can’t ask me not to do things that I
have to do. You don’t have to leave, Jess.”

“Yes, I do. I
can’t show up to work tomorrow in the same clothes I wore to
Colonel Price’s party. Although, half of those people probably
expect it after that kiss.” She yanked at a snap on the front of
the bag.

“
I
don’t care who
knows we’ve—we’ve been together.” She heard the hurt turning to
anger in his voice. “
I’m
not
ashamed of it.”

She swallowed
hard. Not ashamed? He couldn’t even say the words ‘made love.’
“Deke, I have a job to do—a position to protect.” A future
somewhere else.

“So, you’re
just walking out? I’ve never known you to quit. I thought you were
driven to succeed at everything.”

“
I am,
Stockard. I’m not
quitting
. My job
here is done. I’ve succeeded. You’re going up on
Endeavou
r and
the whole world will be watching with bated breath.” She raised an
eyebrow and gave him a wry smile. “Those posters ought to sell like
hotcakes now.”

She picked up
the shoulder strap of her bag and avoided his gaze, trying to
navigate a route around him, but he blocked her.

“Please,
Jessie,” he said, gripping her arms. “Don’t ruin this weekend. Just
let me get to Houston and figure this whole thing out.”

“I want to go
home.” She knew he couldn’t argue with the finality in her
voice.

He stepped
aside so she could walk past him to the living room. “I’ll drive
you.”

She shook her
head and put her hand on the latch of the sliding doors. “No. I can
walk the path.”

He closed
the space between them again, wrapping his arms around her. She
hoped to God he couldn’t feel her quivering. He didn’t need to know
how he got to her. To him, it was a weekend not to be
ruined
, a
thing
to
work
out
when he got to
Houston.

To her, it was
love. She hadn’t said it. But she’d thought it every time she
looked at him. Every time he touched her. Every time she spiraled
out of control with him inside her.

“I’ll call
you,” he whispered.

Man’s worst
words. They should never have been invented.

“You do that,
Deke.”

She opened the
door and stepped onto the gravel, determined not to turn to see if
he stood watching her.

Chapter
Twenty

Kennedy
Space Center buzzed with the news. Jessica knew as soon as she
arrived that the atmosphere had changed with the new command
of
Endeavour
. She
decided to go straight to Colonel Price and announce her intention
to return to Boston but knew she’d have to get Stuart and Tony
Palermo to agree. She didn’t expect an argument.

She dialed the
R&C offices in New York with a sense of purpose and dread.

“It’s great
news,” Tony announced when he finally took her call. “It’s fair to
say your job just got easier, don’t you think?”

“Easier? I
don’t think so. He’s not going to do anything else. He’s gone to
Houston and will be virtually invisible for the next six weeks. No
media. None. He won’t do it.”

She heard
papers rustle as Tony sifted through his mail. “You don’t need him,
Jess. You just keep the machine going. Use the same pictures,
recycle some interviews. You’ll have him built up to hero status in
no time.”

“The Washington
account team can build him up, Tony. I’m not needed here anymore
and I’d like to get back to Boston.” The farther away from the man
who had to live alone, the better.

“No way,
Jessica. You’ve got to stay. This is your baby. You need to be
there straight through the launch.”

He couldn’t
make her stay. She opened her mouth to argue, but Stuart stuck his
head in her office. “Jessica, Colonel Price would like to see you
immediately.”

Tony’s computer
keyboard clicked in the background and she felt herself drop
another notch on his priority list. She nodded to Stuart as a band
of frustration squeezed her lungs.

“I really would
rather not be held prisoner here, Tony.” Too bad if her voice
sounded strained. “My job is in Boston. And my life is there. Not
here. I would like to come home.”

She knew by the
silence he’d stopped reading his email. Jessica Marlowe never
argued with the boss.

“NASA will
surely cut our budget to nothing if they feel they’ve lost on the
investment they’ve made in this project. You won’t have a job if
you walk out on this assignment.”

She
considered slamming the phone in his ear
,
but spoke between clenched teeth. “Colonel Price
wants to see me. I’ll call you later.”

She nearly
mowed Stuart down as she stomped out of her office and waved him
aside on her way to Headquarters. By the time she reached Colonel
Price’s office, she’d almost pulled herself together. She refused
to let him see her as an emotional wreck.

“I hope you had
a nice time on Saturday night,” he said as she perched on the edge
of a chair across from his desk.

Oh
God.
He
knew
.

“I did,
Colonel. I haven’t had a chance to call you and your wife and thank
you for including me.” She searched his face for a clue. Did he
know what she’d been busy doing?

He picked up a
gold fountain pen and slid it into a brass United States Air Force
penholder at the edge of his desk.

“
I take
it you’ve heard about the change in
Endeavour
’s command.” His dark eyes narrowed. Was he trying
to gauge her response? Did he expect her to burst into tears at the
possible loss of her lover? Just how many men in authority would
jerk her around in one day?

“I have, and I
realize that it will eliminate my role at the Cape.”

He lifted his
black eyebrows and something that looked distinctly like
disappointment flashed in his eyes. “On the contrary, Jessica. We
need you more than ever. I expect you to stay. For the launch.” He
glanced down at his desk and back to her. “And beyond, if
appropriate.”

Her head
exploded with mixed reactions, control of her life disappearing
faster than she could handle.

“What exactly
would you have me do here, Colonel? Certainly Commander Stockard is
foregoing a publicity campaign at this point.”

He leaned
forward on crossed arms. “He is, but we need good PR more than
anything except flawless inspections on
Endeavour
and a safe ride up to the space station and back.
Every newspaper and TV station in the country will cover this
mission. Looking for a mistake, sniffing out a story.” He shook his
head as though he dreaded the onslaught. “Cosmonaut Petrenko will
be front-page news, right alongside Commander Stockard. NASA has to
come out on top on this launch. I trust you more than anyone else
from Ross & Clayton right now. We need you here.”

She bit her lip
and held his gaze. If she stayed and the press coverage was
negative, Carla would have her job in a New York minute. If she
left, she’d be fired or at least left to rot in the basement of
Emerging Technologies.

“Anyway,” the
Colonel said with a half-smile and a knowing gleam in his eyes, “I
had the distinct impression you were beginning to fall in love with
the space program.”

Her stomach
flipped. Was that a warning? Blackmail to get her to stay? Or did
the old man have a soft heart for romance?

“I’ll do
whatever needs to be done, Colonel.”

The good girl
had returned.

* * *

It was nearly eleven o’clock when Deke
slipped the key into Suite 510 and threw his bags on the sofa of
the tiny apartment. Ironically, the furnished one-bedroom with a
kitchenette and narrow balcony felt a little like home. He’d stayed
there often enough to know all the staff that serviced the complex
just outside of Johnson Space Center and had gotten used to getting
the same suite every time he was in Houston.

Opening the
undersized refrigerator door, he silently blessed his favorite
chef, Mona, for the neatly wrapped Italian sub. She must have heard
he was coming in tonight. He grabbed one of the ice-cold liters of
bottled water and made a mental note to stop by on his way out
tomorrow and give the sweet old girl a kiss.