Sparing the Heart (Pastime Pursuits #3) (27 page)

“One of us had to bring it up.” Ned fills the silence with an obvious statement. I’m a fool to think I could remain friends with anyone from the league and not hear his name. The only way to get rid of Kellan completely is to cut off the friendships I’ve formed. I can’t do that. I won’t.

“No.” I shrug and fall down in the chair slightly. “I don’t expect to, either. He’s moving on with his life. In more ways than one.”

“He’s not dating anyone, if that’s what you mean.”

He’s spoken with Kellan and I’m not sure I want the details. I’m glad he’s not involved, but it’s not my business anyway. I don’t expect him to wait around for me, because I’m not going to, either. Granted, I’m not dating and don’t plan on doing so anytime soon, but if the opportunity arises, I’m not going to stop myself.
 

“Not my concern. He’s probably moving to North Carolina, anyway. I hope he likes his new job.” My foot starts bouncing and I can’t control it. We need a new topic of conversation. I don’t want to talk about this anymore.

“What? You think he’s moving?” He places an elbow on the console and rests his head on his hand.

“Isn’t he?” Ned stares back at me, confused. “We broke up so he could go on that interview. I’m sure he got the job. He’ll pack up and be gone, soon.”

“Well, he didn’t, and he isn’t going anywhere.”

He wasn’t offered the position, or he turned them down? Which one? Does it matter? Why didn’t he come see me? My mind is cluttering with questions and my heart is pumping super fast. I’m ready to scream. Maybe I shouldn’t have ended it. What if we had a chance?

No. It’s better this way. Other jobs will present themselves and he’ll want to go. I’ll always hold him back.

“Are you going to call him?”

“And say what? We’re not together and we’re no longer friends. We can’t be. It’s impossible.”

“We’re friends.” He crosses his legs and leans back in the chair. “Why can’t you be friends with
him
?”

An older man plops his bowling bag on the chairs across from us. All these available lanes and Ted gave him the one right next to us. He offers a nod and I reply with the same, Ned saluting him. “You know it’s different with me and Kellan.” I lower my voice so this man can’t hear me. “We dated.”

“
We
dated.” He motions his fingers between our chests.

“For real, though.”

He laughs, slamming his fist against his chest. “Our dates weren’t real?” He grabs a hold of my shoulder to gain composure as though if he didn’t he would fall to the ground. “You’re killing me, Kate.”

“Ned, stop it. You know very well what I mean. You and I went on a couple dates, but there wasn’t anything beyond our friendship. With Kellan…”

“I know.” He readjusts himself on the chair and his face moves from joking to sympathetic. His hand is heavy on my shoulder. “I know.”

He scoots closer to me and slides his arm off my shoulder and places it around me. I nestle my head in the perfect nook he’s created for it. “You’re such a great friend. Thanks for everything.”

His hand squeezes my shoulder. “Anytime.”

The old man next to us tosses his ball and I watch as half the pins fall to the ground. If it weren’t for Ned, I probably would have fallen myself. “You’re my best friend, you know that?”

“Same here.”

“Should we exchange BFF necklaces now?”

I hear his laugh in his chest, and he squeezes me a tad tighter. “I don’t need a necklace. What I
do
need is for you to give in or move on.”

I lift my head and push my hair behind my ears. I haven’t had a trim in ages and the length is more than I’m used to. I may leave it. I haven’t decided. “Give in to what?”

“Kellan. You two obviously care about each other, so why not be together?”

“Because he doesn’t want to be in Wisconsin. He never would have gone to that interview if he truly wanted to stay.”

“Why is it so bad if he wants to leave?”

“I don’t want to leave. My brother is here. My life is here. I’m not starting over again. I’m just not.” I pull away from his comforting embrace because now it’s giving me anything but. I glare at him like a teenager, my arms crossed and my heart thumping.
 

Ned clears his throat. “Did you ever stop to think that maybe he doesn’t want to leave either?”

“Sure. But he does. If he can go onto something bigger and better, why wouldn’t he?” Why would anyone hold themselves back from a future they so badly want? I did that once and regretted it my entire life.

“Maybe you’re it. Maybe, just maybe,
you’re
the bigger and better thing.”

For a brief second a light bulb clicks on and I give myself a moment of hope. But, just as quickly, the light burns out. No. He let me leave Gretchen’s on Valentine’s Day. He had every chance to run after me and stop me, but he didn’t. The choice was in front of him, and he made the one he wanted.

“What am I going to do? If he’s still in Madison, I can’t be around him. I can’t be friends with all of you and on the same team as him. I don’t even want to play against him.” My luck sucks. I find the perfect set of friends and I’m forced to give them up. This is why I really should adopt a cat.

“Everything will be fine.”

“Says you. You’re not the one who has to walk into a room with your ex. I’ll find another team.” In another city. Or county if needed.

“For the record, I’m sure the team would rather you stay.”

“It’s for the best.”

“Fine.” He stands up and wipes down his pants. “But they’ll kick your ass, you know.” The man next to us glares at the curse word.
 

“Of course they will. Clark’s Pin Crushers is the best team ever.”

And it is.

••••••••••

“Ah, you’re back.” Carrie greets me as she opens the door. Even though I’ve been here before, I’m still a little surprised to see her in normal clothes. An oversized striped shirt and dark blue leggings hardly yell “Palm Reader” to me, but I’m sure there isn’t some sort of a dress code.

When Ned and I first came months ago, I enjoyed the ambiance once I pushed past the uncertainty of an unfamiliar place. I planned on returning and after my discussion with Ned, now seems like the perfect time. We’re into March, and Spring arrives soon, and the best way to start a new season is to be free of all regret. I want to entertain the idea of being friends with Kellan,
only friends
, so I can be with my other friends. I’m worried I’m setting myself up for disaster, though. Carrie may be able to offer insight and help.
 

“Yes. Alone this time. I left my friend at home.”
 

“Good choice.” She intertwines her fingers together and presses her thumbs to her chin. “That boy wasn’t very polite.”

“He freaked out a bit.” A lot. His attitude bothered me, but I understand now. “He’s cool.”
 

“If you say so.” Her hands move to the door jam. “What can I do for you?”

“Another reading, please?”

Her hand drops and she sighs as she places it on my shoulder. “Sure, my dear.” She cups my chin in her hand. “You look as though you’re having a rough time.”

She deserves credit. She hasn’t even glanced at my palms and she can already read me. Is my defeat so obvious? Am I unable to hide behind a mask? Even if I’m smiling on the outside, I’m stuck under a rain cloud in my mind.
 

Carrie widens the door to let me in, and I find my way to the reading room. Mint and rosemary fill my nose and suddenly I’m at ease. I’m comfortable, safe, and can’t wait to talk with her.
 

We sit down and she reaches her hands out. “Come, dear, let’s see what’s filling your heart and your body with such sorrow.”

I give her my hands and her fingers dance across them. I wait in anticipation over what she has to say. Does she see everything? Can she see my world broken down with the death of my father? My failed attempts, but final success, at getting rid of Janice’s home? The moments I shared with Kellan? My heart shattered and spread across the bowling alley? I’m afraid she’ll judge me, but I’m in search of answers.

Her fingers tickle my palm and she closes her eyes. I bite my lip as she traces the lines that travel through my hand. These lines that encompass my life story, my entire future laid out in a maze of creases. She gasps, her eyes shooting open and staring into my now widened eyes. “Your heart has been broken.”

She sees through me. The lines don’t lie. Carrie reads me perfectly, an open book for her to discover. “Kind of.” But really a lot. I’m bleeding and I can’t stop. “I lost a … friend.”

She runs her fingers along a line. “You’ve made progress in your healing. You appear, overall, to be doing quite well.”

“Yes. A friend helped me through. Helped me move on.” I think I’ve finally dealt with my father’s death and have stepped into acceptance. He’s gone, but I know he’ll never truly leave. Every time I bowl with that ball, he’s with me. “Now I’m lost in other places.”

“Love is a tricky thing.” She drops my hand and leans against the table. “I can read your palm and tell you you’ll fall in love and have happily ever after, but, really, that’s up to you. You make your own path. You decide your destiny.”

“I thought my future is in these lines.” I flip my hands over so my palms are still visible. “Can’t you look at this and tell me what to do?”

“No, my dear, I can’t. I can’t read into your exact future. I can’t tell you if you’ll get married next year, have three babies, get that promotion at work, or live to be a hundred and five. Destiny doesn’t work that way.”

“Then what do I pay you for?”

I’ve offended her. The smirk on her face frightens me. What did I do? I’m waiting for her to curse me, for the room to darken and brighten again with a lightening strike, her voice turning into a cackle as the walls shake. Instead she gives me a toothy grin. “To help you believe. To lead you down the path you already want to take.”

“What do you mean?”

“When you walk through my door, you already know what you want me to tell you. You have a problem and you —
only you
— have the answer to it, but you want
me
to tell you it’s the correct one. You’re well aware of what you want.”

The truth in this statement terrifies me. I don’t want what she says to be true. “What if what I want is something I can’t have? Something that isn’t right for me?”

“Oh, dear, I’m sorry, but then you must find the strength to let go. Your heart can take more than one path. If what you want is to be, it will be. Find a way to use your energy for this man somewhere else. Take that passion and throw yourself into something else. You’ll move forward. Trust me. Everything doesn’t start and end with this man.”

She’s not telling me anything I don’t already know. I don’t want to believe it. I don’t want to know I can walk out of Kellan’s life and never look back.
 

But this I have to do.
 

I finally turn on the TV after weeks of trying to avoid Kellan in my living room. My conversation with both Ned and Carrie has me reconsidering our break up. There he is, pointing to the map of the state, telling me and the rest of the viewing area to expect a rainy day. I'll take the rain over snow any day, and since it's only March, I invite a day to use my umbrella instead of a shovel. Snowstorms can still force their way in this month, so every day we avoid one, I’m pleased.
 

Though he appears flawless to me, his gorgeous eyes are drooping and his hair has some loose strands. He’s not his normal self, joking around and adding fun commentary to the viewers. This isn’t the Kellan I loved a month ago. This Kellan is fractured, fragile, and going through the motions. His body is present, but he certainly isn’t.

I text Gretchen asking if everything is okay with her brother. I haven't seen her in a few weeks, but we've shared texts, once she got over being upset I broke things off with Kellan. Mona’s been sick and the bug is slowly making its way through her household. She never bothered to tell me Kellan didn't move, but I kind of understand. No one wants to bring it up with me, afraid I’ll get mad. I won’t. But I’m okay with no one mentioning his name. The less I hear his name, the less I’m reminded he isn’t with me anymore.

Gretchen replies with only a question mark. I don’t want to come across stalker-like or overly concerned, so I text back I happened to be watching the weather and he looks tired to me. She waits until the segment is over to respond.

He’s fine. A tough couple of weeks I guess.

Really? I suppose he’s probably upset he didn’t receive a job offer. Maybe he’s tried for a few more unsuccessful, I text back:
Did something happen?

A bubble with three dots hovers on my screen. Good, she’s writing a reply. I stand up and begin to pace the room. Is she composing an entire essay? What’s taking so long? I’m holding my phone in one hand, and biting my nails on the other. My phone vibrates and her reply slices through my heart.

He lost you.

My eyes glaze over and the words are a blur on my screen. Is the room spinning? I sit before the dizziness becomes too much and I pass out. When did my hands grow so cold and clammy? This is why he’s so distant on TV today? He’s this way because of
me?

No. This isn’t right. This isn’t how it’s supposed to be. He’s the one who wanted out. He’s the one who wanted to move his career thousands of miles away.
 

But I’m the one who walked away. Me. Not him.

My chest tightens and I sniffle to hold in the tears. What should I do? Where is Carrie now? Ned? Where are the people who can tell me what I need to do?

“You make your own path. You decide your destiny.”
That’s what Carrie said.

So that’s what I’m going to do. I click off the television, grab my coat off the back of the couch, and slam my door behind me.

••••••••••

I’m racing down the road, not even sure what I’m going to say. Or do. My left leg shakes as I weave in and out of traffic. I’m careful not to drive too much over the speed limit, but my desire to reach Kellan as soon as possible takes over. I have a vague idea where the station is so I google the address and pop it into the GPS. The rain is coming down harder now, forcing me to slow down. My wipers work overtime and the swish swash rhythm is pushing into my adrenaline. Should I prepare a speech? What if he doesn’t want me there?What if Ned was wrong and Kellan is already with someone new? Or, even worse, what if he’s not and he flat out rejects me?