Even Kevin’s mom, who supported Kevin in most things, wanted Kevin to acquiesce to his father so peace could be kept in the family. So Kevin agreed to toe the line for the most part, even if his mom allowed him to veer off course from time to time when it could be concealed from his dad. But the hair didn’t get cut.
Then Tricia had continued pressuring him for more, asking him questions which were far from comfortable, trying to get him to agree to her demands for sex. “I’m just not ready for that, Tricia,” he honestly shared. “I know you’re a senior, but I’m not. I don’t want to end up with a kid as a junior. Please, not yet. Let’s wait,” he encouraged. “Can you just accept this about me?”
She eyed him as if she were suspicious of something, as if she were sizing him up, so he kissed her deep and messy and followed her direction when she lifted her shirt up and unhooked her bra. He was comfortable sucking a nipple into his mouth and cupping her full breasts. He’d done that with girls when he lived in Fargo. He was even willing to put his hand in her panties and get his finger slick and her even slicker until she was rutting against him and coming. He was willing to do it only because he hoped it would divert her from her mission for sex for the moment.
Despite his reservations with where Tricia was trying to steer their relationship, Kevin was scared of losing her, afraid if he broke up with her it would increase his dad’s growing suspicions, especially in light of his more recent accusations about Hugo being gay. And he didn’t know what his dad would do.
Peder Magnus could be scary. Kevin knew his dad could be a loose cannon, using words like knives. Kevin had witnessed his dad blow a gasket, yelling at his mom in front of the house, neighbors surely listening from behind the safety of their closed drapes, until she was a mess of tears and mascara because she hadn’t kept “a close enough eye” on Kevin one summer afternoon when he was a boy. Kevin had found a bucket full of muddy water and a paintbrush, quickly deciding to decorate the side of the garage with pictures and words. After his dad arrived home and the damage had been done to his mother’s ego, he and his mom had easily washed the
art
off the siding with a hose and sponge. He’d seen his dad’s temper flare before, and he didn’t want to see it again, especially if it was directed at his mom, who’d done nothing but try to keep the peace. He knew he didn’t want that rage directed at himself either, and if Kevin’s dad even suspected Kevin might be with Hugo, his words would slice right through to his core.
Kevin wondered how long it would take for his own attraction to Hugo to be exposed, the attraction he couldn’t even bear to share with Hugo. It was so much more for Kevin than just getting off or exploring his newfound sexual attraction to men, but he didn’t know if Hugo recognized that. He had feelings for him. He wasn’t entirely sure what they were yet, but he did know the whole situation was one gigantic clusterfuck, and he had no clue how to get out of it, especially now that Tricia was involved.
When Tricia opened Kevin’s pants and eyed his cock still semisoft and nestled deep in its foreskin, she palmed it as if she were unsure what to make of it but moved closer, lips parted. He pulled up short. “No. No, Tricia. Not your mouth. You don’t have to do this at all. I’m fine.”
“It’s only fair,” she said with confusion plastered on her brow.
“Just your hand, then.
That’s
fair.” He didn’t want her to do anything at all, because all that did was stir up the guilt he had over what he was doing to her. Tricia wasn’t one to take no for an answer, though. “You don’t have to.”
Tricia shrugged and pulled his foreskin back, looking at him as if she’d never seen an uncut cock before. Then again, considering where they lived, she probably hadn’t since circumcision was the norm. Kevin was always self-conscious in the gym showers because of it, but he was glad that was one of the few fights his mom had fought and won. He looked physically different than his father. It was a good reminder.
Kevin pressed his inner elbow over his eyes as Tricia’s strokes started to feel better. He had to shut out the sight of her because it wasn’t her hand he wanted on his cock. He wanted Hugo’s long fingers wrapped around him, his wet-warm mouth sliding and licking his cock, his tongue slipping down to his balls, sucking gently.
With his head pressed back into Tricia’s pillow, his stomach tightening, back curling, Kevin came all over Tricia’s hand. Tricia handed him a tissue with a pleased look on her face.
“I’d like to do that again,” she said. Kevin managed a quick kiss before he left that night, but he felt sick.
If it weren’t for the guilt over what he was doing, he would’ve loved it. He would’ve probably been willing to go a lot further if not for Hugo, but something in his gut always stopped him at a certain point. He had a plan about how this would continue if Tricia insisted that things progress. He just wasn’t sure he was ready to carry it out yet because he wasn’t ready to face his dad in case she dumped him.
Hugo was the only person who accepted Kevin just as he was.
Just me.
And yet, Kevin had basically pushed Hugo away by being the person his father expected, popular girlfriend and all.
He wanted out of the unspoken contract with his father, but he wanted his respect and pride as well. It was a classic catch-22, and Kevin had no clue how to get out of it without risking getting caught.
H
UGO
was gone from school for several more days after his dad’s funeral. When he came back, Kevin saw him from a distance walking soberly through the halls. That was when he made a choice to head over to Hugo’s house after school. He’d missed so many tests and assignments that he had to be pretty far behind in his work.
Fuck my dad and his damn rules
, Kevin decided. He went about his afternoon like normal, getting his homework done. About the time his dad was expected home from work, he invited Tricia to come over. His dad was charming and kind, talking to her about cheering and the upcoming game, when Kevin said they needed to leave.
“Where are we going?” Tricia enthusiastically asked as he headed toward his blue Saturn.
“Meet me at your house?” He waited until she nodded after a few confused seconds. She climbed in her own car and disappeared around the corner.
When they arrived, they headed inside and sat down.
“Hugo just got back after being gone over a week. His dad died, and I know he’s way behind in schoolwork. Snowed. But my dad doesn’t want me hanging out with him, so can you do me a favor?” he asked with desperation.
“Sure,” she readily agreed. “What do you need?”
Taking a deep breath he said, “I basically need you to be my cover. Dad won’t let me help Hugo unless I’m charging him for tutoring, and I’m not fucking charging my best friend.”
“Wait. Hugo’s your best friend?” She pulled back, obviously confused.
Kevin squinted.
How did she not know this?
“Yes. I just haven’t hung out with him much since we started dating. Partly because my dad is an ass. He doesn’t have a problem with me hanging out with you, but doing homework with my friend is somehow not okay. I can’t explain my father.”
“Your dad seems like a nicer guy than you say he is.”
“To you, he’s nice. He loves you. Not so much with Hugo, for whatever reason. But I don’t really give a shit. Hugo needs help right now. So will you help me?”
“Yeah, as long as we still get to spend some time together.”
“I’ll just skip doing my homework until I meet with Hugo, and you and I can hang out after school. Football season is over soon, right?”
“Yeah. Just a few more weeks, but then there’s hockey.”
“Oh.”
“We’ll work it out. Weren’t you going to start working on the yearbook committee?”
Kevin nodded, finally seeing how he could manage this. What his father needed was to see Kevin with Tricia or at least have them be in the same place. His recent decision to work for the yearbook ended up being what saved him. He could easily show his dad scheduled games he’d agreed to photograph. He could always add a few dates. And considering his girlfriend would be at most of these events, his father would expect Kevin to go out afterward to take Tricia out to eat or to hang with their friends.
But nearly every night, Kevin ended up at Hugo’s house to help him with homework. It was good to spend time with him again, but they were so focused on helping him catch up that there was little time to talk or just do nothing. And there was no longer any kissing. Kevin found himself even having a hard time smiling at Hugo like he used to, because he felt so much guilt still.
Tricia continued pressuring for more and more from Kevin, but at night, it was Hugo he dreamed about. Often it was Hugo doing things to him that Tricia had done or talked to him about doing. Kevin wasn’t sure how much longer he’d be able to keep her from getting what she wanted.
His fantasies went far beyond what had happened in real life, though. Or at least beyond recent activities. He still could feel Hugo’s fingers inside him if he closed his eyes and concentrated hard enough. It had surprised him—shocked him even—when Hugo grazed a finger over his hole while grabbing at his ass that first time. When he’d pressed in with a slick finger, Kevin felt something he never knew he’d like, let alone crave. As much as Kevin wanted to feel like that again, he refused to touch himself in the same way. He had tried it months prior, but it just wasn’t the same without Hugo there. There was no way he’d ever tell Tricia he wanted to be touched like that. Who knew what would happen then?
All Kevin knew was that he
needed
to be a better friend to Hugo than he had been, no matter what his dad thought of it.
A
S
THE
weather chilled and the first snow started to fall, Kevin found more and more reasons to not spend time with Tricia, leaving her with some excuse as he headed over to talk to Hugo at school.
During a fund-raiser for the yearbook committee, Kevin got an idea to tell Hugo the things he was having such a hard time putting into actual spoken words. Kevin hadn’t worked at the table where students came to fill out their candy cane orders but had volunteered to attach the personal notes to the candy and bundle them together to be delivered by the cheerleader elves later. As he sat surrounded by hundreds of candy canes in various colors, he lost himself in the monotony of his job. He allowed his eyes to glaze over and soon he was seeing only the transparent buckets, which contained the solid-color candy canes. One of the girls had arranged them according to the color of the rainbow, from red to purple. They drew Kevin’s eye and he just stared as he worked, allowing his mind to drift and wander.
He immediately thought about Hugo and his message at his dad’s funeral about being himself. And Hugo was just that, for the most part. Sure, he was more reserved at school than he was when alone with Kevin or in front of his mom or sister. There he would fall into a more relaxed way of speaking, his voice more fluid, easily sliding up and down, in higher, lilting laughs all the way down to a low, almost feral growl Kevin imagined he could feel in his own chest. He allowed his eyes to linger on beautiful men in magazines or on the television, even commenting on their features from time to time. Even his physical movements were more delicate somehow.
At school, Hugo walked in almost an exaggerated way—well, exaggerated for Hugo. It was nothing like the swagger most guys at school walked with, as if they had ten-ton balls between their legs and needed to give them breathing room. But Hugo walked more stiffly, his shoulders tight and his hands fairly close to his sides. His laugh was more of a chuckle compared to the full-body laugh he’d do at home. And he even dressed in darker colors at school than at home on the weekends where he’d pair his tight red jeans with a bright button-down shirt and noticeable accessories like a porkpie hat or a bow tie he actually tied himself.
Kevin liked the
at home
Hugo.
That
was the real Hugo being his true self—a little nerdy and a lot irreverent—and it bothered Kevin that Hugo felt he couldn’t be that guy at school or in public. But Kevin was far from one to talk. He put on different faces to please different people too, especially Tricia and his dad.
“I’m gonna head to the library really quick,” he told the girl next to him in the candy cane production line, who silently nodded as if she didn’t care. Kevin ran to the library and was pleased to see it was still open. He reached the resource section and pulled out an encyclopedia, quickly looking up the word
homosexuality
. He found a photo of a rainbow flag, which was what he’d been hoping to see and started to read.
“Can I help you find something?” the librarian asked. Kevin slammed the book shut and looked up, his face flushing.
The man looked at him with a smile and waited. “Do you have any questions?” His voice was gentle, his eyes knowing as he looked toward his desk and back. Kevin followed the gaze and saw an inverted pink triangle pinned to the bulletin board. He didn’t know what it meant, aside from the pink triangle being the symbol Hitler used to denote homosexuals in concentration camps. Taking a longer look, Kevin saw a green circle surrounding it. What did that mean?
“Uh, I’m doing a project for sociology,” Kevin lied, but then thought better of fabricating a story that was too complicated. “I’m trying to find something about the uniting effect of symbols to various minority groups. Visual symbols and what they mean, how they came to be. Like the rainbow flag,” he dared, looking down at the large H on the spine of the heavy book in front of him.
“That sounds interesting. There’s a lot of symbolism in flags as I’m sure you know. Why don’t we head over to another section of the library? I know of a few books you might want to start with.”
Kevin followed the librarian and watched as he found a book filled with bright photographs of men and women carrying gay pride flags.