Sparkle: The Queerest Book You'll Ever Love (32 page)

The only surprise to the gathering was my cousin, Sam, Tess’ fifteen-year-old son. He, at least, looked like one of my side of the family. Which is to say, normal. I hadn’t seen him since he was really little, and, thankfully, he’d grown up nicely. His father, whoever he might’ve been, must’ve carried some good, strong genes in him, because Sam shone out in the meager looking group that was his family. Right away, I could tell that Peter was glad to be there, and I knew that I’d better watch out. Sparkle also caught on and firmly placed himself in between the two of them. Peter, you see, was just bold enough to do something, even surrounded by all of us. Or especially because he was surrounded by all of us. See, that’s just the way he rolled.

In any case, we sat around catching up with each other before dinner. Weirdly, it was like I’d never left. Same old complaints and trivial problems that have plagued both families since I was a child. And, trust me, I couldn’t have cared less as I sat there and listened to it all. And I certainly wouldn’t want to thrust it all on you now. Suffice it to say, families are better off together only at weddings and funerals. Everything in between is B-O-R-I-N-G. Heck, I had more interesting things happen to me in one week at the bookstore than these people had happen to them all year. The only person that looked the least bit interested was Peter, especially when they were talking about Sam. Honestly, I was seriously contemplating telling them all that I was gay just to break up the monotony.

Unfortunately, I never got the chance, because dinner proved way more interesting than expected. Oh, sure, it started out normal enough.
Please pass this, please pass that.
  Drinks were poured and re-poured. (The one weakness my family allowed was alcohol consumption, thank God, but never in their own home.) Then polite conversation was made. Really, it was your typical sit-down, family-style dinner. No voices were raised and no real issues were addressed. Then, as was her way, my mother just had to start asking questions.

“So, Tess, tell me how things are going with you,” she politely asked. I knew the two of them didn’t speak regularly. Actually, Tess didn’t seem to speak much, period. I think adulthood had worn her down. Funny, because, as a teenager, she was spunky as all get out. Well, at least that’s how I remembered her.

“Fine, I suppose,” she answered, without so much as lifting her head to look at my mother.

“Well, that’s… nice.” Obviously, my mom didn’t know where to take Tess’ almost non-reply, and so she decided on a different approach, moving in from the side. “And, Sam, anything new with you?”

Now that caught Tess’ attention. As soon as my mother asked the question, she looked over at her son and gave him a
if you know any better, you’ll keep your mouth shut
look. I’d seen that same look from my own mother when I was growing up when an adult asked me a point-blank question about a subject that my mother had warned me not to talk about. Like when my Uncle Jeremy was in rehab, and our neighbors asked about him. (Yes, I told them the truth. See, I only got proficient at lying as I got older and saw the point to it.) As for Tess and Sam, I was wondering what the two of them were hiding. And, as they say, the apple doesn’t fall too far from the tree, because my mother, I could tell, was dying to find out as well.

Sam mumbled a, “nothing,” and half-heartedly returned his attention to eating. His mother kept staring at him, though, just in case. Needless to say, everyone was now facing poor Sam, to catch him should he slip up.

“Oh, come on now, a handsome boy such as yourself must get himself into all kinds of mischief. There must be something going on with your life.” My mother was nothing if not relentless.

Again he stopped eating and looked up at Tess for direction. Now we were all certain that something was up. And that’s when I noticed that Aunt Rose was fidgeting beneath the table. Meaning, whatever was up, she was in on it. Uncle Jesse, who simply ate and ignored the conversation entirely, was obviously out of the loop. Typical. Still, my mother persisted with her line of questioning when she got no response from Sam.

“Now, I refuse to believe that your lives are so uneventful that you can’t think of one single thing to tell your Aunt Karen. After all, we’ve barely seen hide nor hair of each other in years.” She was adamant by that point. I think she was legitimately hurt by their lack of up-frontness. In any case, we were about to find out why.

Tess tried to back herself and her son out of the conversation. “No, really, Aunt Karen, our lives just keep rolling along. You know, there aren’t a lot of twists and turns in Iowa. Besides, we haven’t heard much about Bruce’s exciting new life in San Francisco.” Uh-oh, I’d been praying that the conversation wouldn’t turn to me, because I’d had just enough booze to do you know what. “Bruce,” she continued, “tell us all about the big city. Are you dating anybody special out there?”

Damn, that was it. Sparkle and Peter looked at me expectantly. My mother, flustered by the change in the conversation, also turned to me. I guess she figured that anything from me had to be better than what she was getting from the other end of the table. Even my father, never one to care either way, looked up to see what I had to say.

So that was my chance. I took a deep breath, looked at my family, and a few short seconds later I heard it said loudly and proudly, “I’m gay!”

Only it didn’t come from me. My mouth was just getting ready to say it, honestly, it was, but someone beat me to the punch. I blinked, then looked around the table for the culprit. Suddenly, it was obvious by the way Tess was looking at Sam that it’d come from him. Damn, I couldn’t believe my gaydar didn’t pick up on that. I guess it has a certain threshold and doesn’t detect fifteen-year-olds too well. Peter, I think, had it figured it out from the get go.

I didn’t know whether or not to be relieved or pissed that the kid had blown my chance. Everything else was a blur beyond that, anyhow. Tess immediately blew up at Sam, who, for his part, had a strangely peaceful and relaxed look on his face. Having never come out to my family, I could only surmise that he was just so happy to get it off his chest that the consequences seemed of little importance to him.

“Damn it, Sam,” Tess stood up and shouted at him, “I asked you not to bring that up tonight, didn’t I?”

“Doctor Samuelson told me that there was nothing to be ashamed of and that I should be honest about it,” he tried to explain to us all.

“Who’s Doctor Samuelson?” Uncle Jesse asked, finally getting into the conversation.

“It’s the boy’s psychiatrist,” Aunt Rose told her husband.

“How come you know that and it’s news to me?”

Uh-oh, I was right. Aunt Rose was in on it and my uncle was way out of the loop. Poor Uncle Jesse looked downright hurt, while the rest of us just looked extremely uncomfortable. Peter kept his eyes on Sam, however, and Sam, for his part, could only look down at his food. I was beginning to feel better about not spilling the beans myself. Family reunions, it was fast turning out, are not the appropriate place to air ones laundry, dirty or otherwise.

“Tess had to tell someone, and she made me promise not to tell anyone else.” Aunt Rose knew she was in trouble, and now Tess was in trouble as well. Albert, her brother, never said a word. I figured he was carrying a shit load of baggage himself and was glad that the ceiling wasn’t crashing down on him, too.

“Well, damn it, it’s nice to know that my family has such a high opinion of me,” grumbled my uncle, quickly adding, “Well, Sam, good for you. You’re right; you have nothing to be ashamed of.” Then with a frown he stood up from the table. “Now, if you’ll excuse me, I think I’ve been insulted enough for one evening.” And then he left us, but not before walking over and giving Sam a kiss on his forehead. (Yippy for Uncle Jesse!) Sam, by then, had turned beet red.

“Fine, Pop, leave. You’re not the one who has to deal with this; I do,” Tess shouted after her father.

Uncle Jesse turned back around and said to her, “It’s Sam’s life, Honey; just be there for him and love him the same way you always have, and let the good Lord do the rest. I’m sure he’ll be fine and I seriously doubt he needs to be seeing a shrink. Jesus, you all are seriously screwed up.” Wow, I had a lump in my throat as big as an orange. I knew that my uncle was a cool guy, but he was full of surprises that night. The rest of the family, not too surprisingly, wasn’t holding up nearly as well.

Tess sat there dejectedly with her arms folded in front of her and didn’t look at anybody. Aunt Rose, feeling sorry for not telling her husband the truth the whole time, ran from the room in tears, while Albert lit up a cigarette and muttered something that sounded disparaging, which I couldn’t quite hear over his mother’s wailing. Anyway, that was our cue to leave.
Phew
.

Dad went and got our jackets and tried to usher us all out quietly. Mom went and hugged her sister-in-law first and thanked her for the lovely meal. I went and kissed Uncle Jesse, who was now in the living room, and thanked him. He didn’t exactly know what for, but he gave me a hug and a kiss and told me not to be a stranger. Peter, well Peter was nearly in tears as he walked over to Sam and told him to call him anytime he needed someone to talk to. Sparkle gave him his card so he’d have their number. I was so proud of my boys right then and there that I could’ve just busted.

My mother told Cousin Tess to get her head out of her ass and then she told Albert to get a haircut. (I kid you not. She used those exact words.) And then we were out of there, letting out a collective sigh as we left. Honestly, I doubt any of us were expecting such an eventful evening. And, man, it sure was nice to see my dad put his arm around Peter as we walked to the car. You know, just when you think you have your family all figured out, you find that you barely know them at all. But still, even after all that, I just didn’t think my mom and pop had it in them to deal with two coming out announcements in one night.

No, it’s not that I didn’t trust the outcome anymore. I knew they’d handle it better than Tess or Aunt Rose or Sparkle’s family or, for that matter, Peter’s. It’s just, well, I wanted it to be my mom and me, together and without an audience. I figured that I owed her that much. Then I’d tell my father afterward. After all, he was certainly a much cooler dude than I ever expected.

***

I barely slept through the night with all the thoughts racing through my head. See, the whole trip back to Kansas had really opened my eyes to my family. More than likely, I’d played the whole coming out scene in my head so many times and in so many ways that I’d simply convinced myself that they were less tolerant and loving than they actually were, clearly forgetting just how amazing they could be.

At around six in the morning, not being able to lie in bed anymore, I got up and went downstairs to the kitchen to fix myself a bowl of cereal. My mom had beaten me to the punch and was sitting there already slurping down some non-fat, healthy, oaty stuff.

“Got anything with sugar or color to it?” I asked.

“Of course. I prepared for just such an emergency,” she replied and reached up to one of the cupboards and pulled down a new box of
Fruit Loops.
I knew that she would throw it away after I left, seeing as she only ate cereals that were good for you. Me, I preferred taste to quality.

“Thanks,” I said, pouring myself a big bowl before sitting down next to her. Then I looked at her and said, “Mom, do me a favor and watch out for Sam. It doesn’t look like Tess is handling the situation all that well.”

“Don’t you worry about Sam. If I know my brother, he’s already taking caring of the situation. He may have been a lenient disciplinarian to those kids when they were growing up, but he would never tolerate any kind of bigotry in his house or in his family. No matter what you think of him, Bruce, he’s a good man.”

“I know, Ma. I know.” I went back to eating my cereal, with the two of us sitting there in silence for a few minutes.

“Bruce?” She suddenly stopped eating and looked over at me.

“Yeah, Ma?”

“I have a feeling that there’s something else on your mind besides your cousin Sam.” (Damn, she was good.)

“You’re right, Ma, there is.” I sat there looking at her for a moment. She had so much love and warmth in her eyes, so much tenderness. Honestly, there’s no look like the look that your mother gives you. No one can give you as much unconditional love as your mother, after all. And, at that moment, it was just what I needed.

“Mom… um… well, I’m gay, too.” I don’t think I’ve ever felt such a rush of adrenaline before as I had at that moment. I also felt this tidal wave of relief wash over me as she looked deep into my eyes and then reached out to hug me.

Then she said something completely unexpected, whispering in my ear, “Bruce, we already knew.”

I pulled away from her and said, “You know? What do you mean you know? Who told you?”

She grinned and let out a motherly giggle. “Son, just because we’re from Kansas doesn’t mean we’re blind. I mean, really, you never dated in high school or college, or at least you never brought any girls home with you to meet us, and, whenever we talk on the phone, you only mention your male friends and that girl Sharon. Generally, you tend to veer clear away from the subject of dating whenever we bring it up, and, the clincher, you live in San Francisco.”

She had me there, but I never thought for a minute that she might know. Man, I was a real idiot. All that fuss for nothing.

“But why didn’t you tell me that you guys knew?” I asked, also giggling myself now, more out relief than because I thought it was funny.

“Well, Bruce, your father and I figured that you would tell us when you were ready to. I guess it took you a little longer than we expected, but better late than never.”

“And it doesn’t bother you?” I was probably pushing my luck, but I needed to know.

“I’ll be honest with you, when it first dawned on us that you might be gay, we were upset. It’s just not what we wanted for you. We thought you’d live a miserable and lonely life, which, of course, broke our hearts. But, over time, we got used to the idea, and you always seem very happy and well-adjusted, so, now, it doesn’t bother us. That’s all any parent wants for their child, you know, for them to be happy.” She smiled and stroked my cheek. “Are you happy, Bruce?”