Authors: Danielle Steel
Jan'll keep an eye on her, he said to soothe his sister-in-law, but the remark only enraged her.
Yeah, I'll bet she will. She's always sucking up to her. She always did, even when we were kids. I'm surprised the two of you don't offer to move in with her, that might really impress her. You know, she'll need a lot of help with settling the estate. I'm sure you and Jan will be only too happy to help her do it.
Why don't you relax, Lou? he said, using Jan's name for her, and she glanced at him with smoldering eyes that were surprisingly like her mother's. But other than that, she looked just like her father, handsome, but no more than that. Between the two, Jan was the better looking. No one's trying to hurt you.
Too late for that, she said, pouring another glass of wine as soon as she finished the first one. They've been doing it for years. Maybe Mom'll grow up now, without Daddy. Maybe we all will, she said, set down the glass and walked out into the garden, and Paul made no move to follow.
And from inside the study where they sat, Jan and Amanda saw her through the window. She's mad at me again, Jan said. She's always mad at me about something.
I wish you two would stop fighting, Amanda said sadly, looking at her younger daughter. I always thought when you grew up it would be different, that you'd be the best of friends, especially once you were both married and had children. It was all she had ever envisioned for them since they were babies, but there was a look of sorrow in Jan's eyes almost as soon as her mother said it.
Well, I don't ' do I' .
What? Her mother looked confused for a moment, and so sad it broke Jan's heart to see her.
Have children. Something about the way she said it caught her mother's attention.
Don't you want to have children? Amanda looked shocked, as though the very idea that her daughter didn't want children would be a betrayal.
Yes, Jan nodded, and looked at her sister through the window. Lou had had three kids in five years, as easy as pie, as soon as she wanted. And this time it was Jan who was jealous of her. Of course I do. We've been trying for a year, and nothing has happened.
That doesn't mean anything, Amanda smiled at her. Sometimes it takes a while. Just be patient.
It didn't take you 'a while. You and Daddy had us in the first two years you were married. She sighed then, as Amanda patted her hand, and then she looked up at her mother. And what Amanda saw in her eyes tore her heart out, it was not only grief, but fear and bitter disappointment. I want Paul to go to a doctor with me, but he won't do it. He thinks I'm crazy to be worried.
Did you talk to the doctor yourself, does he think there's a problem? Amanda was beginning to look seriously concerned about her.
He doesn't know, but he thinks it's worth looking into. He gave me the name of a specialist, but Paul was furious when I told him. He said his sister has kids, and so does Lou. There's no reason why we should have a problem. But it's not always that simple. Amanda wondered suddenly if there was something she didn't know, a terrible disease in her daughter's youth, an indiscretion, an abortion, but she didn't dare ask her. It was better to leave that to her doctor.
Well then, maybe you should listen to Paul, at least for a while, and try not to worry about it.
It's all I think of, Mom, she confessed, as tears ran down her cheeks and spilled onto her dress as her mother watched her in anguish. I want a baby so much ' and I'm so scared I'll never have one.
Of course you will ' She couldn't bear the thought of seeing her daughter so unhappy, especially now, with having just lost her father. You can always adopt, if it doesn't happen later.
Paul says he'll never do that. He wants his own children. Amanda had to hold her tongue, so as not to tell her that Paul sounded not only difficult, but extremely opinionated and selfish.
You can cross that bridge later. For right now, why don't you just try to relax, and I'll bet you anything, it'll happen before you know it. Jan nodded, but it was obvious from the look in her eyes that she was anything but convinced now. She had been worrying about it for an entire year, and concern was rapidly turning to panic. But if nothing else, a door had opened between mother and daughter.
What about you, Mom? Are you going to be okay without Dad? It was an agonizing question, and brought tears to Amanda's eyes again as she shook her head and wept.
I can't even imagine living without him. There will never be anyone else in my life, Jan. Never. I couldn't bear it. We've been married for twenty-six years, more than half my lifetime. I can't even begin to think about what I'll do now ' how do I wake up every morning' . Jan took her mother in her arms and let her cry, wishing she could promise her that she'd feel better, but she couldn't imagine her mother living without him either. He had been the life force of their family, he had shielded Amanda from the world, told her what to do about everything, and although he was only seven years older than she, in some ways he had been like a father to her. I just can't live without him, she said, and Jan knew she meant it. They sat and talked about him for another hour, and then finally Paul came back into the room. Lou had left without saying goodbye, she had been crying when she left, after watching them through the window, and Paul had work to do at home. It was nearly six o'clock by then, and sooner or later, they had to leave Amanda, no matter how hard it was for her. She had to learn to face life alone.
She looked so pathetic as they left, standing on the front steps of the Bel Air house in her black suit, waving at them, that Jan burst into tears again the moment they turned the corner.
My God, Paul, she's just going to die without Daddy. She couldn't stop crying at the thought of the father she had lost, the sister who hated her, the mother who was in so much pain, and the baby she feared would never come her way. It was all completely overwhelming, and Paul held her hand as they drove home and tried to reassure her.
Shell be fine in a while. You'll see. Just look at her, she's still young and beautiful. Hell, in six months, she'll have all of Los Angeles pounding on her door, asking her out. Maybe she'll even go back to the movies. She's certainly young enough to do it.
She'd never do that, even if she wanted to, because she knows that Daddy never wanted her to go back to making movies. He wanted her to himself, and she did it because she loved him. Paul didn't say that if that was true Matthew Kingston was probably the most selfish man who had ever lived, because he knew Jan would have killed him if he said it. And how could you suggest my mother would go out with anyone? That's disgusting.
It's not disgusting, he said quietly. It's real. She's fifty years old, Jan. And your father died, she didn't. You can't really expect her to stay alone forever. He said it with a small smile, and Jan looked furious as she glanced at him.
Of course she's not going to go out with anyone. She's not your father, for God's sake. She had a wonderful marriage, and she loved Daddy.
Then she'll probably want to get married again. It would be a crime if she didn't.
I can't believe what you just said, Jan said breathlessly, pulling her hand away from his, and staring at him. You actually think my mother is going to go out with men? You're sick, and you have no respect for anything. And furthermore, you don't know my mother.
I guess not, sweetheart, he said soothingly. But I do know people. She said not another word to him, and stared out the window away from him, furious at what he'd said, as they drove home in silence. Jan would have willingly sworn on a stack of Bibles that her mother would be faithful to her husband's memory for the rest of her life.
Amanda Kingston took both her daughters to the Biltmore in Santa Barbara in June. Paul was in New York, working on the last details of a movie deal, and Louise's husband, Jerry, was at a legal conference in Denver. And it seemed an ideal opportunity to spend some time together. But as soon as they got to the hotel, and actually sat down and talked, both younger women realized how badly their mother was doing. She still wore black constantly, her hair was pulled tightly back and looked too severe, and she wore no makeup, and as soon as Jan asked how she was, she burst into tears and couldn't stop crying.
It was one of those rare times when both girls put down their animosity, and were united in concern for their mother. And while Amanda was still asleep, they both went downstairs to the dining room for breakfast together on Sunday morning.
She should see a doctor. She's just too depressed, Louise said over blueberry pancakes. She scares me. I think she ought to be on Prozac ' or Valium, or something.
That'll just make her worse. She needs to get out and see her friends. I ran into Mrs. Auberman last week and she said she hasn't seen Mom since Dad died. It's been five months, she can't just sit in the house and cry forever.
Maybe she can, Louise said, looking her sister in the eye, wondering, as she always did, if they had anything at all in common. You know, it's what Dad would have wanted. If he could have left instructions to that effect, he would have had her buried with him.
That's disgusting. Jan looked at her older sister with instant fury. You know how he hated it when she was unhappy!
You know how he hated it when she had any kind of a life other than watching us take ballet, or playing bridge with the wives of his partners. I think that subconsciously she thinks he would have wanted her to be just as miserable as she is. I think she should see a shrink, Louise said bluntly.
Why don't we take her on a vacation? It seemed like a nice idea to Jan, who had an easy time taking time off from the gallery, but Louise didn't see how she could leave her children.
Maybe in September, when they're back in school. We could take her to Paris.
Sounds good to me, Louise said, but when they suggested it to Amanda at lunch, she immediately shook her head, and said she couldn't.
I couldn't possibly get away now, she said firmly, I still have too much to do for the estate. I don't want that hanging over my head forever. But they all knew it was an excuse. She just didn't want to rejoin the world of the living, not without Matthew.
Let the lawyers take care of it, Mom, Lou said practically, they do anyway. It would do you good to get away.
She hesitated for a long moment, and then shook her head as tears filled her eyes again, and she was honest with them. I don't want to. I'd feel too guitly.
For what? Spending a little money? You can certainly afford a trip to Paris. Or many, many of them, as they all knew. That was not the issue. But the real problem was far deeper.
It's not that, I just ' I just feel that I don't have the right to do something like that without Matthew' . Why should I go out and kick up my heels? Why should I have a good time? She began to sob, but she had to say it, as both girls watched her. Why am I still alive and he isn't? It's so unfair. Why did it have to happen? She had survivor guilt, and neither of them had ever heard her say it.
It just happened, Mom, Jan said gently. It just did. It wasn't your fault, or his, or anyone's. It was just horrible rotten luck, but you have to go on living ' for yourself ' for us ' just think about it. If you don't want to go to Paris, we'll go to New York for a few days, or San Francisco. But you have to do something. You can't just give up on life, Mom. Daddy wouldn't have wanted you to do that. But it was obvious, just talking to her on the drive home, that she wasn't ready to do it. She was still too deep in mourning for her husband to even want to go on living, or think about doing anything constructive or amusing.
How's she doing? Paul asked when he flew back from New York on Sunday night, and Jan drove him home from the airport.
She isn't. She's a total mess. Lou thinks she should be on Prozac. I don't know what I think. It's as if she's tried to bury herself with Daddy.
Maybe that was what he would have wanted. Maybe she knows that.
You sound just like my sister, Jan said, looking out the window, and then back at him. I want to ask you something. She said it so solemnly that he smiled at her. He was happy to see her after the trip to New York. He had really missed her.
Sure. You want me to fix her up with my father? No problem. I'll arrange it. He'd love it. The idea was so outrageous that even Jan laughed, but an instant later, her eyes were serious again, and whatever it was, he could sense that it was important to her.
I have something else in mind, she said nervously, not sure how to broach it to him, but desperate to convince him.
Spit it out, Jan. I'm waiting.
I want both of us to go to the doctor. The specialist. It's been six months since the last time we talked about it, and nothing has happened. She looked earnest and terrified as she asked, but Paul looked less than sympathetic.
Christ, that again. You never let up, do you? I've been working on the biggest film deal of my career for the past six months, and all you can think about is a baby. No wonder it hasn't happened, Jan. I've been on airplanes more than I've been home. How can you say we have a problem? To her, it sounded like denial. There were always excuses, plausible things to blame it on, but the bottom line was she hadn't gotten pregnant and they had tried more than he was admitting.
I just want to know if something is wrong. Maybe we're both fine, or maybe it's me. I want to know so we can deal with it. That's all, is that so much to ask? Her eyes filled with tears as she said it, and he sighed, looking at her.
Why don't you have him check you out? And by the time he does, you'll probably be pregnant. But she no longer thought so, it had been just over a year and a half since they started trying, and even her gynecologist was concerned now, and had urged her to explore it further, if she was serious about having a baby. She didn't tell Paul she had been to see the specialist alone three weeks before, and so far he had found nothing wrong with her, which meant that Paul had to go now.
Will you go too, after I do?