Authors: Jolene Perry
“A
lot of stuff I don’t want to think about. I need to start Mom’s biography, but…”
“You don’t even need to try to explain that one.”
“And there’s some stuff I think I need to clear up with my
dad, and the issue of the mail. I
t’s all so
heavy
.” And I can’t believe I just said all that.
“It’ll get better.”
“Promise?” I tease, knowing she can promise no such thing.
“Promise.”
And now I know I just turned the tables here, and she made me feel better instead of the other way around.
So, part of me feels better because of Amber, and part of me feels worse for the same reason.
- - -
Dad and Lynn are on Lynn’s boat
,
and Amber and I are completely taking advantage of the situation.
Her mouth is
hot o
n mine and her warmth lying next to me is better than any other kind of warmth.
The room is so black I can barely make out
her shape, not that it matters. S
he’s too close for me to see her anyway.
My hands slide up the back of her shirt, bringing her even closer, if that’s possible. Her skin is exactly how I ima
gined it would be, soft, smooth. She
feels perfect
. It’s exactly what I’ve needed since even before our first kiss. I trace the line of her bra across her back to her sides.
My body’s going crazy with my need for her. And even though
I know we won’t go all the way, more of Amber under my hands also feels good. My thumbs trace the bottom of the front of her bra.
“Wait.” She pulls away, breaking contact with not just our mouths, but our bodies.
The disappointment is crushing. Maybe I should have kept my hands on her back.
“Amber,
please
.
I promise I won’t push things too far.”
But I lie still, waiting for her to say something.
Her hand rests firmly on my chest, forcing me to keep my distance.
“I’m stopping us because we
are
too far.”
“
Sorry, I just—”
“Because it’s a big deal.”
“It’s
not that big of a deal.” I’ve ac
tually never been with someone who thought it was a big deal.
I don’t think.
“Well, when you realize it’s a big deal, let me know.” Now there’s an
edge of irritation to her voice, and she sits up, furthering the divide.
“How many people have you…”
“
None
. Remember
?” She
scoots away again.
I feel more than the loss of warmth next to me.
“
Right.”
There’s no way to hide the shock in my voice.
It’s like I turn into the old Antony when we’re close
enough for me to lose my head a little
.
“
You’re the second guy I’ve given a real kiss to
.
Everything’s new.
”
“But it feels good, right?”
“Most of the time, but you t
ouching me makes me more scared.
I can’t feel good if I’m
tense, wondering where your hands are going to
be next.”
Her voice is clipped, and I know I’ve screwed up.
I have no idea what to say so we sit in silence.
She
’s
pushing me away in more ways than one
,
and it feels like I’m grasping at straws being tossed in the air. The pieces of Amber are going to fall away
,
and there’s nothing I can do to keep her here. Especially because I
still
don’t know what to say.
Amber speaks first.
“I know you’ve been with…
I mean, had sex or whatever…”
“Three
. I know you’re going to ask. Hélè
na’s two years older, and thought it would be fun to be my first.”
Silence thickens the air.
“Where did you meet
her?” Amber asks.
I’m frustrated that the darkness makes it impossible for me to
read her features, just her voice.
“Mom had a good friend in Paris we used to stay with once in a
while
, Arnaud. Hélè
na’s his nie
ce
or something
,” I explain. That makes sense, right?
“Do you…
I mean…
do you two
still talk
?” Her voice still sounds okay, I think.
“Yeah. We talk, and we’ll get together
when I’m in town, but it’s not…
I mean we’re not a thing or anything.” Now that I’m saying it out loud, it kin
d of makes me feel bad. Will so
meone like Amber understand
?
“You get
together
, together when
she’s
in town?”
“Well, I m
ean. Yeah. We’ve done it before. W
e like each other, and I just don’t… well, neither of us wants more than that from the other so…” It felt awesome and convenient when her family would end up in New York
,
or when I’d end up in Paris. Like we’d be a couple for a few days and then not talk for months. I think it worked for both o
f us.
I’d never really thought about an actual relationship with anyone until now. Now that I’m apparently screwing it up from all ends. No pun intended.
“And what about the other two?” she asks.
“I don’t. I mean, I don’t think you actually want to know.”
Because it’s really the same kind of relationship I have with
Hélèna
, even though they live in town.
She scoots further away. Far enough that I sit up,
and
my stomach turns to a ball of nerves.
I let out a sigh. “Gem and Savannah are both friends from New York.”
“When…
I mean,
when was the last time you were with them?
”
“Not for a while.” Oh. Wait. “You called me at
that party, remember?”
“
I remember.”
The words come out slow.
“Gem was there, and…”
“You
slept
with her
that night
?” she asks
. H
er voice is no
w
tinged with anger
.
Things are going downhill and I don’t get it, because I’m trying to be honest.
“No, we didn’t have sex, she just…” but maybe that’s worse. I don’t know. I’m treading
totally unfamiliar ground here.
I’m terrified I’m losing Amber. S
he
feels further away from me every
time I open my mouth.
“Let’s just say that yeah, we had sex. But I was out of it. I called
you
.
I wanted
you
.
Even way back then.
”
“But you let her do,
whatever
, to you anyway?” she asks. This voice I can read. The stack against me is getting higher all the time, and she’s feeling it.
“Amber, I didn’t get it.” I reach out to touch her, but miss. This is so frustratin
g. “Okay, it’s too dark in here.
I need to see you.” My fingers find the switch and when the light hits I squeeze my eyes tight for a minute before I can see. My chest drops. She’s crying.
She turns away as soon as our eyes meet.
“Amber.” I take her hand in mine and lean toward her. “This sucks. Please talk to me or something. I’m going crazy here.”
“I don’t know what to say.”
“I swear it wasn’t a big deal. None of it was.”
She’s the big deal. Amber is. How can she not see this?
Now she looks at me
through narrowed eyes
, and part of me wishes she wouldn’t.
“No! Don’t you get it? It was all a big deal, or it should have been!
Instead you’re playing them
off like
nothing
!”
“But they knew. I mean, I didn’t have to do a
nything, they just…
all of them.” A
ll of them sort of came onto me.
I was just along for the ride. “Look. Most guys just get laid and call it good. I, you know, take my time, make sure they feel good and…”
I’m one of the
good guy
s,
only even saying it out loud makes me feel a little less like one of the good guys.
“Oh. So, I should feel honored that
someone like you would want me. I
s that it?” She scoots
so far she’s against the wall.
“Shit, Amber. Tell me how to fix this. I’m freaking out over here.”
My heart’s banging around inside me.
“It’s just two ways of seeing the world, Antony. And your way and my way don’t really mesh. Not on this.”
She slides off my bed and heads for the door.
My heart drops agai
n. “Amber, wait. Please
help me out here. The only person in my whole life I’ve ever been actually honest with is you and my mom. The
only
ones.”
How can she move away knowing this?
She’s still not looking at me, but her face softens. I haven’t lost her. Not yet. “I just need some thinking time, okay?”
She
walks
for the door
,
and I
follow. I’ve never been so jumpy my whole life. “Can I have a hug or something, please? Something to make me feel a little less desperate here?”
She stops at the bottom of the stairs leading out
of the boat
, and turns
around. Her face is like stone—
still and unreadable.
I need to use everything, everything I know. My fingers reach out and touch hers. I take her ha
nd and give her a small squeeze. S
he squeezes me back
. The air leaves my lungs in relief. We pull together and stand at the bot
tom of the stairs for a few moment
s before I dare to let her go.
“Please call me later on, okay?” I ask. I’m completely pathetic. Just like a girl.
Please call me, don’t forge
t. Bats lashes
. And as she steps out into the still night, I start to get it. She knows I think like this. She can see through me
,
and it scares her. Mayb
e I’m just an incurable asshole, which really sucks, cause I’ve always thou
ght of myself as one of the nice
guys.
Seven
teen
Dad’s ferociously typing when I stumble out of bed in the morning.
“So, you and Amber?” Dad asks.
“You’re still being careful?”
His fingers don’t even slow down.
“I don’t know. I keep fuc…
messing it up.” I slump to sitting at the egg-table.
“Well knock it off.” He stops typing to smile and slug
s
my arm.
“Yeah. Trying.”
I sit
and watch him type. I wonder if I get that absorbed. The stack of mail has grown, but Dad hasn’t mentioned anything else about it.
“What’s up with you and Lynn?”
“Hmm?” The rhythm of his typing falters as he tries to keep working.
“You heard me.” I’m kind of getting a kick out of his obvious desire to not talk about this.
He stops and
looks over his laptop
. His glasses come off and he rubs his nose a few times. “
I love her
,
but anytime I even slightly mention sharing a boat…”
I smile at that. “M
ove in” means sharing a boat.
“She sort of closes off
,
and then I don’t see her for a while.”
“But our week in the San Juan
’
s.”
“Yep, and then we get home
,
and she’ll want some extra space again. I don’t get it.”
“Well, Amber
…
I don’t know. I know she likes me, but it’s like every time we talk I come off sounding like some spoiled jerk, and she’s afraid to be around me.”
“Maybe you’re pushing things too far, too fast.” Dad re
sts his arms on the table. “I mean, I know
you’ve…” H
e
chokes like he
can’t find the words.