CHAPTER 28
It was a sweltering July day and Hampstead Register Office was filling up with wedding guests.
Faye and Jack had been in their seats for twenty minutes. Faye had spent most of that time on the mobile to Hylda Klompus.
“So everything’s under control, Hylda? Nothing’s been left out to sweat in this heat . . . the hollandaise sauce for the salmon is still in the fridge? God forbid we should have an outbreak of salmonella. No I’m fine—my ankles have swollen up like tree trunks, but apart from that, I’m OK.”
“Faye,” Jack hissed. “Come off that bloody phone. They’ll be starting in a few minutes.”
“How will they be starting? The bride and groom are still standing outside. Doesn’t Rachel look lovely? I’m so glad she went for the ivory. The pure white did nothing for her complexion.” She dug Jack in the ribs. “I knew I was right about that watch I found in Rachel’s bathroom. There was definitely something going on. And then when Adam didn’t show up at the comedy contest . . .”
She turned round to see Shelley walking in with Tractor, who had Satchmo strapped to his front in a baby harness.
“Lord, I hope Shelley keeps that baby quiet. She’ll be the next one to get married. They’re like
that
—her and this Tractor. According to Rachel he’s a very substantial fella now. She’s giving up acting and he’s financing this health food chain she’s opening.”
At that moment Joe and Greg came in with Sam. Following close behind were Adam and a visibly pregnant Yootha.
“Ach, will you look at her with that schmo, Adam. She looks like a stick insect with a beer gut. But doesn’t Sam look lovely in that navy suit I got him. I’d have preferred the kilt and frilly shirt, but he wouldn’t hear of it.”
“How can you blame the kid? What are we, the bloody Clan McKatz?”
“Jack?” Faye lowered her voice as she sat contemplating Joe and Greg. “I wonder which one of them is the woman.”
“Oh Faye, for crying out loud.”
“All right. I was just curious, that’s all.”
“What’s keeping them?” Jack said irritably, running his finger round the inside of his collar.
Faye turned round and craned her neck. “There’s something going on outside. I think that might be them coming in . . . oh, no. I’m wrong. It’s somebody else.”
She paused. “Oh my God,” she squealed. “Oh my God. It’s her.”
“Who?”
“Jack, turn round.”
He turned. “I can’t see without my glasses,” he said.
She opened her bag and handed him hers. He put them on.
“I just know it’s her. Jack. I just know it.”
“Who?” he said, sounding exasperated.
“Her. It’s Barbra Streisand. She came. She actually came.”
“Faye, calm down. It’ll be a look-alike. Rachel and Matt will have hired her to keep Sam happy.”
“It’s not a look-alike. Look at the nose, the eyes.”
Before Jack could stop her, Faye had leaped out of her seat.
The woman she thought was Barbra Streisand was sitting down at the back of the room.
Faye tapped her gingerly on the shoulder.
“Er, hello,” she said, virtually curtseying. The woman turned and smiled. “I’m Faye Katz, the bride’s mother. Can I just say what an honor and a pleasure it is to meet you and that I saw
Yentl
six times.”
The woman carried on smiling a cryptic smile.
“It is you, isn’t it? You are Barbra? My husband thinks you’re a look-alike, but I’m convinced you’re you.”
The woman winked, tapped the side of her nose with her finger and continued fanning herself with a Concorde ticket.
DON’T MISS
Sue Margolis’s
Other Hysterical Novels
NEUROTICA
APOCALIPSTICK
BREAKFAST AT STEPHANIE’S
All available as Delta paperbacks
NEUROTICA
If
He
Always Has the Headache,
Why Should You Suffer?
Tabloid reporter Anna Shapiro can pinpoint the day, three years ago, when she and her husband, Dan, last had great sex. Anna would be grateful if something as ordinary as a mere headache were her husband’s excuse; Dan’s hypochondriacal terrors include brain tumors, tropical diseases, and spontaneous combustion. But now an assignment for a racy tabloid expose inspires Anna to go where no journalist has gone before, to answer some questions that suddenly seem very important: What is the perfect outfit for committing adultery in? Is it beyond the pale to pick up a man—no matter how sexy—at a funeral? Yet the most crucial question is one Anna never expected: Is she willing to give up her marriage and children for the biggest gamble of her life?
“Taking up where
Bridget Jones’s Diary
took off, this saucy, sexy British adventure redefines the lusty woman’s search for erotic satisfaction....Witty and sure....A taut and rambunctious tale exploring the perils and raptures of the pursuit of passion.”
—Publishers Weekly
“Screamingly funny sex comedy...the perfect novel to take on a holiday.”
—USA Today
APOCALIPSTICK
A Wickedly Funny Novel About Sex, Romance, Wrinkles . . . And Other Natural Disasters.
When it comes to men, beauty columnist Rebecca Fine always seems to be on the scruffy end of the mascara wand. But all that changes the morning she meets Max Stoddart, her new colleague at the
Daily Vanguard.
With his upscale suit, Hugh Grant hair, and obscenely good looks, he’s a single woman’s dream come true. But is Max the catch of the decade—or just a major babe magnet?
Meanwhile, Rebecca’s old high school nemesis has resurfaced, a former blond bombshell called Lipstick who is now engaged to Rebecca’s widowed dad. And it’s goodbye to articles on toe cleavage when a hot tip sweeps Rebecca to the center of the Paris cosmetics world, where a miracle antiwrinkle cream is about to be launched. That is, until she blows the whistle on a scandal that could set the beauty business—and the future of world peace—reeling. Will Rebecca win the recognition—not to mention the Pulitzer—she yearns for . . .
and
get the man of her dreams? Stay tuned.
“Sexy British romp . . . Margolis’s characters have a candor and self-deprecation that lead to furiously funny moments. . . . A riotous, ribald escapade sure to leave readers chuckling to the very end of this saucy adventure.”
—USA Today
“[An] irreverent, sharp-witted look at love and dating.”
—Houston Chronicle
BREAKFAST AT STEPHANIE’S
One Woman. Two Hot Men To Choose From. Let The Games Begin. . . .
Playing “Winter Wonderland” for last-minute Christmas shoppers has got to be the all-time low point of Stephanie Glassman’s career. The aspiring jazz soloist and single mother has no singing prospects, no man in her life since her hot fling with a movie stuntman, and a social life that consists of having her two best friends over for high-calorie Sunday brunches. Even her grandmother’s having more sex than she is. That is, until toddler Jake’s irresistible father hurtles back into her life.
Albert promises fidelity, plus married life filled with the best sex Stephanie’s ever had. But there’s a tantalizing new wrinkle: Frank Waterman, rising acting star and Stephanie’s old crush, is suddenly semi-available and
interested
. And her stalled career seems to be heating up. But when her big break erupts in a scandal that puts her on the front page instead, Stephanie’s in a whole new league. Now, with fame at her door and two hot guys fighting over her, Stephanie’s got some big decisions to make . . . and they may surprise everyone—including her.
Also by Sue Margolis
Breakfast at Stephanie’s
Apocalipstick
Neurotica
SPIN CYCLE
A Delta Book
PUBLISHING HISTORY
Delta Trade Paperback edition published October 2001
Delta trade paperback reissue / June 2004
Published by Bantam Dell
A Division of Random House, Inc.
New York, New York
All rights reserved
Copyright © 2001 by Sue Margolis
Library of Congress Catalog Card Number: 2001017312
No part of this book may be reproduced or transmitted in any form or by any means, electronic or mechanical, including photocopying, recording, or by any information storage and retrieval system, without the written permission of the publisher, except where permitted by law.
Delta is a registered trademark of Random House, Inc., and the colophon is a trademark of Random House, Inc.
Visit our website at
www.bantamdell.com
eISBN: 978-0-440-33503-0
v3.0