Spud (11 page)

Fatty then rose slowly and said, ‘The board of governors
are a sneaky lot, and trust me, gentlemen, I have proof of it.’ With that he farted loudly and called it a night.

Roger the cat jumped through my window and slept the night on Vern’s bed. Vern talks to Roger in a strange language that makes him sound stark raving crackers. Roger responds by purring and rubbing his head against Vern’s chin. As weird as their relationship is, Roger is probably the only reason Vern is back at school so I don’t mind all the jabbering away in cat language – after a while the madness becomes normal.

06:20   Rambo punched Devries in the mouth in the showers. Julian, who was on duty, ran away screaming and called Bert to break it up. By the time Bert arrived, Devries was lying on the grey concrete floor, completely unconscious, with blood oozing out the corner of his mouth. Rambo stood calmly at the basins soaking his bleeding hand as if nothing out of the ordinary had just happened. Julian was so distraught that Bert had to half-carry him to the san for a tranquillizer.

Luthuli pulled Rambo out of breakfast and the two of them took a stroll together across the quad. When Rambo returned, he said that our head of house was not telling Sparerib but wants the feud between Pike and Devries and our dormitory resolved. Rambo told him that we will only act if Pike and Devries act first. Luthuli promised that he would talk to Pike. (Devries can’t talk because his jaw has been wired up.)

Gecko received an ironic cheer/jeer from our table as he skulked in to breakfast. He shook my hand before launching himself at a teaspoon of cornflakes. He seemed pleased to see the return of Vern and the pair of them chatted quietly at the end of the table. (Due to Sparerib’s ban on tormenting Vern, we have decided to
not call Vern Rain Man for at least a week.)

12:00   The Guv spent the entire double English lesson talking about sex. He reckons the whole world revolves around sex and if it wasn’t for sex, no book would have ever been written. A boy called Nelson Johnson from King house (who is a junior Christian leader) stood up angrily and challenged The Guv by saying the Bible was evidence of a pure and holy book. The Guv roared with laughter and told him the Bible was full of sodomy and incest and should have an age restriction. Johnson’s lip quivered and he sat down, shaking his head and muttering to himself.

After class The Guv said he was expecting me to finish Catch 22 by Monday. He’s promised that my next book is the greatest literary work in the history of the world, but refused to tell me what it was.

15:00   Earthworm asked me to bowl to him in the cricket nets. He reckons that because he’s the first team spinner, he never gets to face a spinner at practice. The first team practice nets are made of grass turf rather than the spongy matting of all the other practice nets. I felt like I was running on holy ground as I bowled to my prefect. After practice he bought me a cooldrink and a chocolate at the tuckshop and told me that I have massive potential as a spinner. (I unfortunately could not say the same thing about his batting.)

When I got back to the house Simon struggled to hide his jealousy at the fact that I had bowled in the first team nets. He wanted to know every minute detail about them. Our conversation was interrupted by Boggo who showed us a graphic picture of a naked lady sitting on what looked like half a police baton.

22:00   After silencing a minor riot, Rambo ran through the plan for tomorrow’s night swim. Our route is to be
the same, except for Fatty who will have to risk walking downstairs and through the main quad. Fatty shook his head but said nothing. Gecko looked incredibly pale at the thought of another night swim but also said nothing.

23:20   Roger scratched at the window above my bed. Seems like Vern will never again sleep alone at school. I closed my eyes and thought of the Mermaid and the school play (the two rainbows in my life). I wondered if the Mermaid would fall in love with me if she saw me acting on stage.

I dreamed of the Mermaid sitting naked on half a police baton.

Full school singing practice. Reverend Bishop left the school song for last. Everybody knows the words so he didn’t bother about calling the hymn number. Four hundred voices nearly raised the roof off the ancient building. I had goosebumps all over as every boy let rip with as much passion and heart as he had. It was impossible not to feel like a huge band of brothers about to go off and thrash the living daylights out of the enemy. This feeling of unity and passion lasted exactly six minutes. Amazing how quickly a science class can suck every last bit of life out of you.

23:00   Night swim: Fatty was sent downstairs half an hour ago. If he was spotted he was ordered to tell the prefects that he was feeling ill and needed some air. Once the coast was clear, the plan was for him to sneak across the quad, past the crypt, through the rose garden and then to The Glock’s lemon tree. He was then to give the owl hoot that Mad Dog had taught him. This would be our signal to follow.

We sat in silence waiting for the signal. Rambo paced up and down the aisle of the dormitory muttering to himself. Secretly, I was hoping that the call would never come and that the swim would be cancelled. Outwardly, I assured everybody that I was looking forward to taking on the guards and their dogs.

Roger had already settled down on Vern’s bed and looked rather put out by all the activity. He kept miaowing at Vern who clucked away at the cat in his own alien language. I may be wrong, but I’m sure Vern asked his pencil case if it wanted to go night swimming with him.

23:16   At last the hoot came (it sounded more like a constipated wolf than an owl) and we kicked into action. In all the commotion, Gecko made a feeble attempt to slip out of the dormitory but was hauled back by Mad Dog. We stripped down to our underpants and began the long tortuous journey to the dam.

We reached the lemon tree without alarm and found Fatty noshing away at a loaf of stale white bread which he’d found in a dustbin outside the prefects’ kitchen. Rambo led us across the rugby field, over the fence and into the dam. This time there was no fooling around. Everyone kept half an eye out for torchlight. Gecko grubbed around the water’s edge, making ready for a snappy getaway. The water was colder than last time and there was no moon. All about us was deathly quiet except for the trickles of water running from our bodies.

Rambo whispered the command, ‘Octopus’, and we crept out of the water and began our return back to the house. Without the excitement of the chase or the threat of any danger, the swim seemed slightly hollow and pointless.

Rambo’s plan was for us to return to the dormitory the same way we went out and for Fatty to wait, dry off
and change back into his clothes that he’d left under The Glock’s lemon tree. Mad Dog would let loose the owl call when all was ready. Rambo reckoned that if Fatty was caught, the first thing the prefects would do would be check out the dormitory. According to him, nobody would be stupid enough to believe that Fatty would go on a solo night swim…

Our return was as simple as our journey out. No guards, prefects, dogs – not even a stray cat. I sprang back through my window and onto my bed, landing on something long and thick. At first I thought it was my cricket bag but then the lump moved beneath me. The lump seemed quite a bit bigger than Roger the cat and its arms were holding me, strangling me. Then I was being pounded with a laundry bag. I shouted out in shock. At the same time there were other shouts and curses and then on flicked the light switch. Standing at the door bathed in light was the figure of Luthuli. The lump in my bed was Bert. Prefects and other matric boys were popping out of everywhere, laughing and shouting.

‘I think you gentlemen are officially busted!’ cried Bert. Even Earthworm seemed pleased with himself as he stood up holding Gecko over his left shoulder like a sack of potatoes. ‘I trust Fatty isn’t stuck in the window again,’ said the head of house rather ironically. Nobody answered – there was nothing to say.

Julian asked Rambo where Fatty was and before he could answer, I blurted out, ‘He’s in the sanatorium!’

‘Really?’ asked Luthuli without believing me for a minute. ‘What’s he come down with – another religious conversion?’ I shook my head lamely. Luthuli rubbed his hands together and said, ‘Gentlemen – we’ll deal with you in the morning, unless Mr Black can think of another one of his ingenious excuses.’

He then flicked off the lights and the prefects left the dormitory. There was a long silence. Somebody whistled softly. At last Rambo spoke in a deadly, menacing voice.
‘We’ve been set up. Somebody’s sung a sweet song in the ears of Luthuli and, trust me, when I find that leak, I’ll stop it for good!’ Rambo was seething. It seemed the humiliation of the failed plan hurt him more than whatever savage fate awaited us. Another long silence followed. In fact it went on for so long that for a moment I thought everybody had gone to sleep. But then I realised that everybody was probably thinking about our brutal punishment that surely lay ahead.

‘I hope you’ve a got a plan up your sleeve, Rambo,’ said Boggo rather hopefully. Rambo paused and then spoke in a low voice. ‘No plan, Boggo, we’re busted. We take our punishment like men.’

‘What will the punishment be?’ I asked, surprising even myself. Boggo replied, ‘There are two options, Spud. The first is that the prefects deal with us, which will probably be a combination of punishments. Or else they’ll hand us over to Sparerib, who will lash us four each.’ I heard Vern gulp next to me. The idea of four strokes from Sparerib was obviously as sickening to him as it was to me.

Trust me, they’ll take it to Sparerib,’ said Rambo, speaking as if he’d had great experience in such matters. Technically, the prefects aren’t allowed to beat us and they’ll be worried that someone will blab.’

The floorboards creaked as Fatty shuffled in. Thanks for the owl hoot, you chops,’ he barked. ‘Luthuli caught me coming into the house.’

‘What did you say to him?’ asked Simon.
Fatty spat out the window and then felt his way to his cubicle. ‘I told him I was feeling sick and that I went to the san.’

‘And what did he say?’ questioned Rambo. By now Fatty had found something to eat in his locker and spoke with a mouth full of food. ‘He said all right and that I was a lucky bastard.’

‘You
are
a lucky bastard,’ cried Rambo. ‘You’ve just
escaped a wicked thrashing!’ Rambo and Boggo went on to describe the events of the evening. Fatty listened intently, all the while noshing away at something that sounded like pieces of metal.

After Rambo had finished, Fatty belched and stepped into his pyjamas. ‘Well, I guess I’m owed one after last time,’ he said.

Rambo countered quickly in an accusing voice. ‘What do you mean you’re owed one?’

‘Well,’ stammered Fatty, ‘I got you guys off and did the whole religious conversion thing.’

‘If your big fat pig arse hadn’t got stuck in the window, everything would have been perfect, you stupid shit!’ Rambo was seething now. Kneeling on my bed and peering over the partition, it seemed that he had been waiting for a victim to lash out at and Fatty had just volunteered himself to be slaughtered. ‘Our motto is One for all. If we go down, you go down,’ said Rambo savagely.

‘Well, I didn’t see all you guys standing up there in the pulpit helping me out,’ replied Fatty in a whining voice.

‘You ungrateful bastard!’ shouted Rambo. ‘Who do you think got you out of that whole mess?’

‘The same person who got me into the mess in the first place!’ said Fatty, standing up to meet Rambo, who had slowly made his way over to Fatty’s cubicle. For the first time our dormitory was the scene of some real ugliness. What followed was shocking. Rambo punched Fatty in the face. Fatty fell back against the locker. Mad Dog charged in and attacked Rambo, who bit a chunk of flesh out of Mad Dog’s shoulder. Older boys streamed into the dormitory along with Luthuli who flicked the lights on and managed to break up the fight. There was blood everywhere and Fatty was sobbing like a little boy. I felt like helping him. I wanted to put something over his nose to stop the blood. He lay on the floor like a great dying animal surrounded by curious onlookers. I
felt sick. Blood was spurting out of his nose like Pissing Pete. An hour ago it was All for one; now it was Dog eat dog! (Or man eats Mad Dog.)

06:00   This morning was dull and overcast. The bloodstains on the floor reminded me of last night. Fatty is in the san with a broken nose, Mad Dog is out hunting, and Rambo was seen striding off to the showers, his big jaw clenched in an expression of complete defiance.

Boggo grimly informed us at breakfast that Luthuli has reported us to Sparerib. Being the weekend, we have no idea when we shall be thrashed. It seems there is no going back and certainly no getting out of it. There’s nothing left but to wait in vain for the pain! I wish I could get it over with now and not have to travel to Durban (cricket match against Lincoln High School) with this dark cloud hanging over me.

I chatted to Mad Dog on the bus about last night. He said he didn’t give a stuff about being beaten and that Rambo is a childish prick who wants to rule the dormitory and turn us all into Rambo worshippers. I nodded but said nothing. I wish I could share his confidence when it comes to being beaten. Mad Dog must have read my thoughts because he slapped me on the shoulder and said, ‘Trust me, Spuddy – when you’re getting the lashing from Sparerib, just close your mind off and think about the best thing in your life. If you can focus properly, you won’t feel the pain.’ I very much doubt Mad Dog’s theory will work, but hell it’s the only plan that I’ve got right now!

It was a huge relief to see the folks already encamped when we arrived. They had their deckchairs laid out and the wine was flowing… or nearly. When the side filed past them my parents didn’t even seem to notice us at all. Dad had a wine bottle trapped between his
thighs and Mom was pulling at the bottle-opener with all her might. They were both grunting with exertion. Unfortunately, as we walked past Dad had his back to us so it looked like they were doing something dodgy. The whole team was still sniggering away by the time we got to the changeroom. Overall, though, the embarrassment was a small price to pay for the warmth and happiness I felt at seeing people whose official job it is to love me.