Stanton Unconditional (19 page)

My face drops and I grab his hand. “No, don’t go. Stay with me today.”

He looks at me and smiles. “No, spend some time with your mum, I will catch you later.”

I stand in a rush. Catch me later … when? When later? I nod reluctantly. “I will walk you out.”

I follow him to the door and he turns to my mum. “I will see you later at the hospital?”

Mum smiles and nods. “Yes dear. It’s lovely to see you here, Joshua.” She smiles broadly and I shrivel with embarrassment, she knows exactly what we have been doing. Joshua smiles and dips his head, also embarrassed.

I walk him to the door and out onto the landing. “Sorry,” I whisper as I rub my hand on his cheek.

He nods and looks at the ground. “It’s ok,” he says quietly.

“Can I see you tonight?” I whisper.

He frowns at me. “Umm, probably not.”

I frown. “Are you doing something?”

He shakes his head as he takes my hand and looks at the ground. “Tash … I don’t want anything.”

I frown again. “What do you mean?” I ask as panic starts to fill my veins.

“Natasha, I don’t want to pick up where we left off … Last night….this morning, it was a mistake.”

Chapter 16

“
N
o, don’t say
that.” I grab him in an embrace.

“Tash, don’t,” he murmurs into my neck.

“Can I see you tonight? Please, baby, I need to explain a few things,” I beg as I run my fingers through his hair.

He looks at the ground, “I don’t think so.”

I cut him off and pull his face back to look at me. “Stop thinking. We will go out for dinner, back to that Italian restaurant. The one you like, remember it?” I smile a hopeful smile at him. “We went there on our first date.” I nod as I smile.

“Why?” he asks.

“Josh, I want to explain why I left you. You don’t understand why and I want you to know.”

His eyes fill with hurt. “Yes I do, I had the audacity to sleep with someone else while we were broken up. Remember?” he says dryly as his eyes penetrate mine. He’s seeing if I bite.

Hmm. “Please Josh.” I grab his hand. “Please!” I pull a whiny face like a little kid and bounce on the spot.

He smiles a resigned smile. “Ok, dinner, tonight only. I will pick you up at eight.”

I stand up onto my toes and kiss him quickly. “Ok, thank you. I will look forward to it. Actually, are you sure you don’t want to come back in with me now to save time later?” I point to the door with my thumb.

He widens his eyes at me. “No,” he mouths at me as he smirks.

I smile as I hunch my shoulders. “Ok, eight. What do you want me to wear?” I bite my bottom lip in cheek.

His eyes hold mine as he raises a brow. “What do you want to wear?” he asks sexily.

“You,” I whisper as I smile.

He shakes his head and smiles darkly. “Behave, Miss Marx, or your mother might get a show on the lounge-room floor.”

My eyes widen. “Oh right, shit, I forgot she was here.” I kiss him quickly and rush back into the apartment to see my mother making tea.

I hunch my shoulders and bite my lip to hide my smile as I close the door behind me.

“And?” Mum smiles.

I flop onto the lounge and hold my heart. “Oh my god, Mum, he’s so perfect it’s scary.”

She blows onto her coffee to cool it. “He’s definitely gorgeous, I will give him that. Sorry to interrupt. I have put the key back on the bench so I don’t do it again.”

I smile sadly at her. “You ok?” I ask.

She shrugs. “I will be. It just got to me, seeing all of Mum’s friends saying goodbye to her.”

“It would,” I sigh. “It will be ok, Mum. She is going to be with Grandpa when she dies, and Dad. Dad will be there to meet her.” My eyes tear over.

She nods as her tears start to fall. “I miss your father, Natasha.” She sobs as she drops her head into her hands.

I rub her back. “Me too, Mum, me too.”

It’s ten past eight and Joshua hasn’t arrived. I’m starting to panic. I have been ready since seven. I stand at my front window looking up the street. Where are you baby? Please come. Then I see the four-car procession pull around the corner and I practically jump for joy. He’s here. I quickly pour myself a glass of wine to calm my nerves. This is it, our whole future rests on me and how I handle this tonight. I don’t know why I thought he would just take me back, but I did. He’s not going to. I just know it.

Knock, knock.

I smile as I open the door. “Use your key. You don’t need to knock.”

“Hi.” He looks around nervously and I see him catch sight of the framed photos I have of him on my sideboard. He frowns. “You ready?”

I stand back from the door. “Come in.” I gesture with my hand to the lounge room. “Would you like a glass of wine?” I ask. I need to drag this night out as long as I can.

He smiles and nods. “Yes please, how are you feeling?” He gestures to my drink.

I cringe with embarrassment as my cheeks turn red. “Was I appalling last night?”

He laughs. “Yes, totally.” He nods to accentuate his point.

I put my face in my hands. “Can’t you be a gentleman and tell me I wasn’t that drunk?”

He laughs out loud. “No, I have never seen you so drunk. It was very entertaining. You even let me in on a few of your sordid secrets.”

My eyes widen. “Like what?” I pour the wine into his glass as he holds it.

“Like the massage yesterday,” he sneers.

My eyes flick up to meet his. Oh shit, me and my big mouth. Why in the hell would I tell him that? I’m mortified knowing it myself.

I close my eyes as shame rips through me. When I open them Joshua is glaring at me.

“Why in the hell would you let some sleazy masseur touch you?” he snaps.

“Why do you let cheap strippers and whores touch you?” I stammer.

He narrows his eyes. “That’s different,” he snaps.

I frown. “No it’s not. I know you went to the VIP room on Friday night. I think you said that you needed to get laid, to be exact.”

He puts his hand on his hip. “Well I didn’t. So stop it.”

“Joshua, you brought this up, not me.”

“Did you orgasm?” he snaps.

I cringe again. “Ready to go?” I need to change the bloody subject so I gesture to the door.

“No, we are not going anywhere until you tell me what that masseur did to you.”

I start to twist my fingers in front of me in shame. “We went and had pedicures and manicures and waxing … what you like.” I’m talking way too fast and nervously. “You know how you like me smooth.” I smile and widen my eyes at him to try and be cute. It doesn’t work and he continues to glare at me blankly.

“And,” he snaps.

“And Abbie has this massage place she goes to once a month and she made appointments for us. Didge and I thought it was just regular massage and then when we got there I had this masseur and,”

“Antonio,” he says deadpan.

Oh shit, I even told him his name. I need to wear a muzzle when I’m drunk in public in future—this is appalling.

“Yes and, anyway, you know the rest is history and yada, yada, end of story.” I start to pull my fingers through my hair nervously.

“Elaborate on the yada, yada,” he says dryly.

I screw up my face in shame. “I was naked and it was tantric and … ”

“And?”

“And I was lying on my back with my legs on his chest and he did something to my hipbones and …” I throw my hand over my face in horror.

“And?” he snaps again.

“It made me orgasm.”

He folds his arms angrily in front of him.

“Did he ask you if you wanted sex?”

I nod my head. “Yes,” I sigh as I cringe in embarrassment.

“Why did you say no?”

I swallow the large lump in my throat. “Because you are the only man who gets to touch me there, Joshua, you know that,” I whisper nervously.

His eyes hold mine. “Good answer. And for the record if you go back to that massage parlour you will meet a grizzly painful death, and so will he.”

I smirk. “Ok.”

“Do you understand me?” he says dryly as he raises both of his eyebrows. “I am not even joking, Natasha. I’ve been picturing strangling you both all day.” I nod as I smile at him. He strokes my cheek with his hand and rubs his thumb over my lip tenderly. I lean into his touch. This is going better than I thought; he’s jealous. Surely that’s a good sign.

“Ready to go?” he smiles.

I nod and grab his hand. “Lead the way, Mr Stanton.”

Half an hour later we are being shown to our seat in the back of my favorite Italian restaurant. Joshua pulls out my chair for me and I sit nervously. He has been painfully quiet on the car trip from home to here. I thought it was going well but now I am nervous again. What is going through that brain of his?

The waitress brings us over two menus. “Would you like to order any drinks?”

“Yes, I will have a bottle of the Barossa Valley shiraz please.” He raises his eyebrows at me in a question.

“Can I just have a Diet Coke please?” I fold my hands in my lap nervously.

“Sure.” She smiles and leaves us alone.

He sits silently as he runs the side of his pointer back and forth over his closed lips, his thinking pose. His eyes are fixed on me.

I open my menu and pass him his. “What are you having?” I ask.

He shrugs as he reads it. “Do you come here often?” he asks.

I nod and smile. “Yes, this is Abbie’s and my favourite restaurant.”

His eyes meet my face. “Who was that guy Abbie was with last night?” he asks.

“Arm … I mean Tristan. Her sort of boyfriend.”

He frowns at me. “What does that mean? Sort of boyfriend?” He goes back to his thinking pose, finger over lip.

I shrug as I read my menu. “She is seeing him.”

“Are they exclusive?”

Shit, a trick question. If I answer no, then she sounds like a slut and if I answer yes, then she played up on him yesterday with the masseur.

I shrug and smile. “Not sure.”

He narrows his eyes at me. “Not sure,” he repeats.

I scratch my head in frustration. “No, I mean I think they have an open relationship.”

He nods and our drinks arrive. He tastes the wine. “That’s fine,” he says quietly after tasting it.

“What’s with the sudden interest in Abbs?”

He shrugs. “Just curious.” His eyes lift to meet mine and he raises his eyebrows in defiance.

“Joshua, Abbie is a really great friend to me. I don’t care how many men she sleeps with. It has nothing to do with me.”

“I thought that too but after her little appointment for you yesterday I’m not so sure.”

I put my head on its side in frustration. “You’re still on that.”

He frowns. “Yes, I’m still on that—it’s not easy to forget,” he snaps angrily.

“Ok, let me ask you this. How was the VIP Room on Friday night? Did you get laid like you wanted to?”

“No,” he snaps.

“Why not?”

“Because I had you on my mind and they were a very poor substitute. That’s why,” he sneers angrily.

I smile broadly at him. The waitress comes back over to us. “Can I take your order?”

I smile and gesture to Joshua.

“I will have the soft shell chilli crab for entree and spaghetti marinara for main,” he says quietly.

“Mmm, that sounds good. I will have the same.” I smile at him across the table and he frowns in question.

“What are you smiling at?” he asks as the waitress leaves us.

I shrug and hold out my hand for him. He takes it gingerly. “I’m just glad to be here with you, that’s all.”

“Tash, don’t overthink this—it’s just dinner.”

I nod and put my head down as my cheeks heat. “Joshua, we need to talk.”

“No, we don’t, leave it,” he sighs.

“I need you to know what was in my head last time you saw me,” I whisper.

“I know what was in your head, Natasha.”

“Have you been with Amelie since you went back to America?” I ask nervously.

He shakes his head. “No, I haven’t.”

“Why not?” I ask.

“Because I don’t have feelings that way for Amelie. I told you that.” He shakes his head in frustration.

“You see, Josh, I wanted to give you the chance to explore if you did. I thought that you were with me out of guilt and deep down you really loved Amelie. I was setting you free so that you could choose who you wanted, unencumbered from past emotions.”

He sits back angrily. “What a load of shit,” he snaps.

“It’s true baby. Think about this from my angle. I pursued you last time, it was me who chased you, me who rang you. I had to bribe you with sex to be monogamous with me, I kept telling you to stop thinking and just feel. And then I told you I loved you and you didn’t say it back, not until you found out that I hadn’t slept with anyone else. I know that you felt guilty that I had saved myself for you and you felt that you owed me. I had loved you unconditionally, Josh, from a distance for so long and I knew you had a connection with Amelie.” I drop my head as tears threaten. “I felt it in the barn that day,” I whisper.

“Natasha … I loved you,” he whispers as leans forward in his seat.

I smile at him through my tears. “Loved, as in past tense?”

He shrugs sadly.

“And then you were with that girl and I still didn’t get the hint and I fought harder to hold us together.”

He frowns. “That stripper was to save you from making a mistake and having my children.”

I smile through my tears again. “Joshua, having your children could never be a mistake for me. For anyone.”

He sits back and runs his finger back and forth over his lip as he listens.

“Joshua, I was so in love with you that I couldn’t see straight and then Dad died and I blamed myself. In some fucked-up way I thought that cutting you out of my life was my punishment for killing my father. But the reality is that it nearly killed me being away from you. I was sick Josh. I died a little inside every day I was away from you.”

He sits deathly still as he listens. “Me too,” he whispers as he rearranges his knife and fork. I see his eyes flick around at the security scattered around the room. I had forgotten they were even here.

“Josh, remember at Willowvale that day I asked you why you weren’t with Amelie?”

He nods. “Yes.”

“Do you remember what you said to me?”

He shakes his head. “No.”

“You told me that you were not with Amelie because you had never let it go there because you were in love with me.”

He sits back in his seat as he thinks.

“I needed to know that you were not with Amelie because you didn’t want her, not because of me. It planted an ugly seed in my head, Josh, and I couldn’t get it out. It festered until it became an infection and it poisoned me from the inside out.”

He shakes his head. “It wasn’t like that, Tash.” He picks up my hand again across the table.

“Then when I was on death’s frigging door your mother came to me and told me you were not handling things well either and I decided to come to you and we had that lovely time in the hospital … remember?” My eyes search his.

He smiles sadly.

“Josh, we made love, I had missed you so desperately, I thought you were pleased to see me as well.”

“I was,” he whispers.

“I sat in the same room as Amelie and she knew that she had slept with you just three days before and you didn’t tell me.” I put my hands into my face as the raw emotion lingers in my psyche.