Starkissed (15 page)

Chapter Twenty-Four

I wait until after lunch to go to Colin’s garage. I don’t want to seem too weird or eager.

Thankfully, as I’m rushing out the door to leave, Ava isn’t anywhere to be seen. Otherwise she’d take one look at my outfit and know her suspicions that I like Colin are true. I’m wearing some of the clothes Mom bought me. I don’t know why I feel like I have to look good today, but I do. So I carefully brush out my new haircut, and make sure none of my nails are broken.

“Where are you going sweetie?” Mom catches me as I’m pulling the front door open.

“I forgot something at the park the other day, and Colin grabbed it for me. I’m just going to his garage to get it.”

“Colin? Ava’s Colin?”

“Yeah.”

“Say hello for me. I do like that boy. So nice, and smart,” she drops her voice to a whisper, “and good looking. I’m glad Ava’s found someone like him.”

“Yeah. Definitely.”

I step outside and head for my car.

When I get there, the place is pretty much deserted. Only one of the big garage doors is open, but I spot Colin almost immediately. He’s not in his coveralls yet. He’s wearing a pair faded jeans and a green t-shirt.

I walk forward. “Um hi?” I call when I’m close enough that he’ll hear me.

His eyes snap up and he sees me. His mouth instantly spreads into a smile so wide that the skin around his eyes crinkles.

“Hey Sydney,” he calls and moves toward me.

I can stop the smile on my face. Or the thrum of my heart.

“I uh, got your message. My sweater?”

He laughs. “You know, you’re pretty forgetful. First the book thingy, now the sweater…I’ll just go grab it.”

He darts off into the office and returns a few seconds later clutching my blue Hollister hoodie in his hands.

“Thanks,” I laugh nervously and take it from him. The sweater feels soft in my hands and smells of soap and lemons.

“There was some dirt on it,” he tells me. “So I threw it in the wash.”

“Thanks that’s really awesome of you. I’m glad I got your message. There’s always a chance, when Angelina answers the phone, that she’ll never pass messages along.”

“Right. Well I would have called your cell, but I don’t have the number.”

“Oh. Yeah. I could, uh, give it to you, if you want.” I try and steady my voice so I don’t sound so ridiculous or overexcited, but I don’t do a very good job of it.

“That would be good. Just in case.”

“Just in case.”

He reaches into his pocket and pulls out a small silver flip phone. I rally off the digits to my cell and he punches them in. He closes the phone and smiles. “Gotcha now.”

“Yeah, you’ve...got me.”

Oh god, I’m acting like a complete idiot. Could I sound more ridiculous?

“You know, I should go,” I announce and start stepping back. I have to get out of here now before I make a real fool of myself. If Ava knows I like him, then what if he knows? What if he’s standing there, taking in every word I say, and laughing to himself.

“Um,” he reaches forward. “Just hold on.”

I stop abruptly and my heel catches on something. I wobble to the side, but manage to keep my balance. Thankfully.

He steps toward me now. “The thing is.” He steps again.

God he’s close now. So close.

“I’ve just been wondering,” his voice is a little rough, strained. “If I could.”

“Could?”

He closes his mouth, and tightly presses his lips together, as if he’s struggling with something. He squeeze his eyes shut and then shakes his head a bit. His body relaxes and his eyes open, his lips part, and he steps forward one last time, closing all the space between us. Then he kisses me.

For the second time in my life, I’m so surprised at being kissed that I don’t know what to do with myself. His hands are cupping my cheeks and mine are hanging uselessly at my sides. After a few seconds he moves his hands down and braces them just above my hips. I feel my body relax a bit and I bring my hands up to his sides and lightly rest them there.

I’m so occupied with the thoughts racing through my mind that I’m barely aware of what’s going on, what I’m feeling. All I can think is, “Colin is kissing me. He’s kissing
me
.
Kissing
me.”

I let my lips part a little and I open my eyes just a crack. I see something flicker off to the side. But I don’t pay any mind. I just close my eyes again.

A second later I hear a sound in the distance. A car door slamming. I push the sounds away and focus on the beat of my and Colin’s hearts.

No I’m definitely hearing something closer now. Steps. Footsteps. Despite the fact that I really don’t want to, I open my eyes. I see something, a hand, a shoulder. Hair. Eyes.

I jump back from Colin. “Grant,” I gasp.

Colin looks down at me. “No. I’m Colin.”

“No,” I shake my head and turn toward the garage door. I look into Grant’s eyes which are hooded and hard with anger. His lips are pulled into a tight line and his jaw is set fierce and strong.

“Grant.” I whisper.

And in one terrible second, I realize what I’ve done. I realize what an awful mistake I’ve just made.

Grant shakes his head. “Your mom told me you were here,” his voice is so thick and still. “I got the day off after all, so I thought I’d,” he stops himself and shakes his head. “I just came to give you this,” he holds up a piece of paper. “I guess I shouldn’t have bothered.”

He turns around and starts walking toward the road. The piece of paper flutters out of his hands and lands on the floor beside a red tool box.

I shoot one painfully sorry look at Colin, then chase after Grant.

“I’m sorry,” I call.

He stops I can see the muscles in his shoulder tense. His hands ball into hard fists.

“Please, Grant.”

He turns around and faces me. “Please what?”

“Let me explain,” I beg.

“No need,” he shakes his head. “This,” he points to himself and then to me. “was nothing. Just an experiment, just something to make the press and the fans happy.”

“What?”

“We’re not a couple. I lied remember.”

“Grant.”

“And you went along with it.”

“Please.”

“But it’s fine, it’s over. The press got their pictures. I got to look...less pathetic. Right? That’s why I asked you out, so that I wouldn’t look pathetic and alone. Job well done I guess. And you,” he points to the garage, “you clearly got what you wanted all along. Goodbye Sydney.”

He turns around again and heads for a car parked on the curb. This time he’s rented a white Sedan. He climbs into the front seat, starts the engine, and speeds onto the road. I run to the sidewalk and watch the car turn the corner at the end of the street and disappear from view.

I slowly walk back toward the garage, to where Colin is waiting. On my way I spot the piece of paper Grant dropped. I swoop down and pick it up. It’s a ticket for the premiere on Tuesday. My name is engraved on it beside the letters V.I.P.

I look at Colin. “Why did you kiss me?”

He blinks and shrugs. “Because I have feelings for you.”

“You do? But what about Ava?”

“I’m not with Ava. I mean we went on a few dates and...stuff.” I want to know what he means by stuff, but I don’t dare ask. I can guess. “but I’ve liked for you for awhile.”

“You have? Why didn’t you ever say anything?”

“You’re dad never would have allowed it.”

“So what? I would have dealt with my dad! We could have figured it out.”

“Well now that you’ve dated Grant, now that you’ve been with someone older, you won’t have to. He already let his rules break. So now...”

“So that’s why you chose now? You waited until someone else wanted me? Until someone else did all the work for you?”

“Sydney.”

“If you’d just said something two weeks ago...but now.” I feel like I’m going to tear apart, like all that’s holding me together are two strands of lose thread stitching me up at the sides. I should be excited, thrilled. Colin actually wants me. But I hurt Grant and he didn’t deserve that. After everything he shared with me…he trusted me and I did this.

“What?”

“I have to go.”

“Sydney.”

“Colin, no. I just hurt someone I really, really care about.”

“I thought you didn’t like him. I thought he was making your life crazy.”

“Yeah. But he was also making it better,” I realize now that it’s true. More true than anything I’ve said or done in the past few weeks.

“So you pick him?”

“I don’t know. I need to think. I’ll call you later.”

I rush out of the garage and to my car. I leap into the front seat and shove my keys into the ignition, but I don’t turn it on. Instead I rest my head against the steering wheel and wait for the tears that are welling in my eyes to finally slip over the edge and stream down my cheeks. I turn and look back at the garage. Colin is standing in the door, watching me. For the first time in my life, I have what I’ve always wanted. He wants me. Wasn’t that the goal all along? So why does it feel so wrong?

Chapter Twenty-Five

“Oh god, who’s dead?” I ask when I enter the house that afternoon. Not because everyone looks remorse or upset. But because there’s no other explanation for every member of my family – including Alyssa and Arianna – to be sitting in the living room staring up at me.

“I’d ask you the same question,” Angelina snorts. “You look like hell.”

I wipe at the area under my eyes. I was careful to wait to come home until the tears and redness had disappeared.

Alyssa stands up, smiling brightly, and pinches Arianna so she stands up too. “Surprise!”

I walk further into the room and purse my lips. “What are you guys doing here?”

“We came to see you,” Alyssa beams. “To say we’re sorry,” she kicks Arianna.

“Yeah sorry,” Arianna nods, although she doesn’t really look sorry for anything.

“We’ve both been crappy sisters lately,” Alyssa goes on. “Me for totally screwing up your trip to New York, and Arianna told me she was less than friendly when you talked last.”

“She called me a slut.”

“I did not. I called you a harlot.” Alyssa kicks her again. “And I’m sorry.”

“So you guys just came out here to apologize? All the way to New Mexico?”

“Of course not,” Mom climbs to her feet. “They came to help you get ready for New York.”

“What?”

“Surprise. Your Dad and I have decided to let you go. As long as you stay with Alyssa of course, not Grant.”

“Oh,” I swallow. I look at Alyssa and Arianna. “Well you guys shouldn’t have bothered coming.”

Alyssa frowns. “Why not?”

I told myself I wasn’t going to cry again. But I can feel the sting of tears in my eyes and the pressure and tightness in my chest. “Because I’m not going.”

Not willing to let them see me fall apart, I spin on my heel and rush for the stairs, taking them two at a time, then sprinting for my room. I slam my door behind me and crawl into bed. My face hits the pillow just as the first sob shudders through my body.

***

I should tell everyone the truth. I know. They come to my door. They ask for it, they beg for it. But I just send them away. I just can’t look at them and tell them what a terrible person I am. Every nerve in my body aches at the thought of how I hurt Grant. He said it didn’t matter, but if it didn’t, he wouldn’t have looked so angry, so hurt. Nothing makes sense. I’ve wanted to be with Colin for years. I’ve dreamed and I’ve wished. Now that he finally feels the same, it’s all wrong. If he’d just said something a week or two earlier, then Grant wouldn’t be hurt and I wouldn’t feel so terrible.

I eat dinner in my room and even when Alyssa tries to talk to me, I don’t say a word. Finally everyone decides to leave me alone and I settle into the misery. I spend the rest of the night staring at my ceiling and wishing for answers. Wishing I knew what to do.

“I know what happened.”

I jump up, surprised to see Ava standing in my room. I didn’t even hear the door open.

“What?”

“I know what you did.”

“H-h-how?”

“I talked to Colin,” she shrugs and closes the door behind her.

“You shouldn’t have done that.”

“No. He shouldn’t have. He shouldn’t have kissed you.” She leans back, and lifts her leg so that the base of her right foot is pressed against the door. She folds her arms across her chest and sighs.

“What?”

“Listen Sydney. I know that you and I aren’t close. We haven’t really ever seen, well anything, eye to eye. So what I’m about to say, to tell you, is going to probably going to sound strange and it will most likely piss you off. But please just listen before you freak out.”

“What are you talking about?”

“I know how you feel about Colin. I have known for years.”

“How?”

She laughs. “Sydney, I don’t know a girl in the world who is as terrible at hiding her feelings from people as you. It’s probably got to do with that fair skin of yours; every time you get uncomfortable you flame redder than a cinnamon heart.”

“Okay. So what?”

“The point is that…I know how you feel about him. I know that you’ve been obsessed since you first met him. And I know that you would do just about anything to be with him. Or at least you would have…before Grant. Now I’m not so sure.”

“Why not?”

“Because you’re here, not out there,” she points her arm toward the window, “with Colin.”

“I could be.”

“I hope you won’t, though.”

“Why?”

“Okay here’s where the bad part comes in. I know you hate me for going out with him, but the whole reason I did it was to protect you.”

“What?”

“I never wanted Colin, okay?”

“So what, you stole him from me for fun?”

“He wasn’t yours at that point, and it wasn’t about stealing him. It was about showing you.”

“Showing me what?”

“You remember the day that photo of you and Grant came out?”

I snort. “Like I’ll ever forget.”

“Alright. You kept saying, so fervently that you guys weren’t together. And you were lashing out, saying you hated him and wanted him to suffer and whatever. You had all this passion and anger, and then that photo would pop up somewhere – on the TV or computer, and you’d get this look in your eye – like you were lost in a memory. Like you were back there with him before you knew about the photographers or who he really was. And even though this look, it was barely more than a flicker, there was happiness in it.”

“What are you talking about?”

“I saw that drawing you did of him. I was snooping,” she shrugs. “I get bored when you guys are at school and Mom and Dad are at work. Anyways…that drawing is beautiful. Amazing. I know you think you suck but you’re actually talented you know that? But seeing that drawing, that’s when I knew for sure that you liked him. That behind your anger there were feelings there.”

“You’re wrong.”

She rolls her eyes and brushes my words aside like they’re an annoying fly in her face.

“And then he actually showed up here and I thought to myself, this is it. She’s going to figure out how she feels and go for it. But before you even gave yourself or him a chance, I overheard you telling Caroline that you said no to him. And I knew why. Colin.”

“You’re one of the stupidest girls I know, you know that? Perhaps the hottest guy on this planet asked you out and you turned him down for some small town mechanic who wasn’t even yours. All because of a hope and dream that one day he would be.”

“That’s not why I said no to Grant. He comes with baggage, paparazzi sized baggage.”

She tilts her head down and raises her eyebrows at me. It’s that look Mom’s so good at. The ‘really?’ look as I’ve come to call it.

“Okay and maybe it had a bit to do with Colin.”

She grins. “Exactly. So I figured, why not take him out of the picture. If you lost hope in him, then maybe you’d give Grant a shot. So I asked Colin out. And low and behold, you were in Grant’s arms before I even got home that night.”

“That’s why you went out with him?” I leap to my feet and cry out. “I was devastated!”

“Teenagers are so dramatic.”

“Says the nineteen-year-old boyfriend stealer.”

“Colin wasn’t your boyfriend. Besides, it worked. You went out with Grant and you started to fall for him. What I didn’t expect was to find out that Colin had been into you all along.”

“What?”

“Well it became pretty evident pretty quickly, what with him talking about you nonstop from the minute he picked me up that first day. But I knew for sure when we bumped into you at the movies.”

I bury my face in my hands and muffle a jagged scream. When I look back up I can feel anger contorting every muscle in my face. “You knew? You knew he wanted me and you just kept going out with him? You let me think he wanted nothing to do with me? If I’d known…everything would be different.”

“I know okay. I messed up. But you were already falling for Grant.”

“I never fell for him.”’

“Sure you did. That night he came for dinner, we could all see it. You were nervous, twisting your napkin and blushing every time any one of us said something stupid.”

“Only because I was embarrassed by you all.”

“You wanted to make a good impression. And after you came home from the movies last Saturday…God the smile couldn’t have been torn from your face. You liked him Sydney. And you still do.”

I just want her to shut up, to stop saying these things. How could this have happened?

“I’m sorry I screwed it all up for you okay? I’m the reason you’re stuck in this ridiculous love triangle. I’m the reason you’re in love with two guys.”

“Who says I love Grant?”

She shrugs. “It’s just a guess. But I think it’s a good one. And while I’m at it, I don’t think you really love Colin. You love the pieces of him you’ve seen, the pieces you’ve compiled into this amazing, heart stopping, fantastic guy. And I admit Colin is pretty great, but come on…he’s not perfect. There are a million reasons to like him, but a million more to run in the opposite direction. You know he’s a Republican right?”

“I’ve waited for him for so long.”

“I know. Funny that he only came around once you were taken.”

I look away, knowing she’s right about that at least. “Maybe none of this matters anymore, anyway. Even if I wanted to be with Colin, I hurt Grant and everything is tainted by that.”

“But if you choose Grant.”

“Grant? There’s no way. He’s gone. He hates me. Besides…it’s always been Colin.”

“Really?”

“Of course. You said it. He’s the reason I agreed to go out with Grant in the first place…I never would have said yes otherwise. Anything I may or may not have felt for Grant was a lie based on your lie. Every minute I spent with Grant goes back to seeing you and Colin together. Grant was just a distraction.”

“Let me ask you this then…why are you up here? Why are you so upset? Why do you look like you’ve just lost your heart? Because the guy you’ve wanted for so long finally wants to be with you? Or because the guy you actually love thinks the worst of you?”

“I…”

“Just think about it.” She turns for the door.

“So it was never real? You and Colin?”

“Not a bit,” she says. “Why would I want him when Javier is coming back next month?”

“He is?”

“Yeah, he just got in to UCLA. I applied too.” She smiles like I haven’t seen her smile in years. “But don’t tell Dad, okay? He can only take so much daughter drama at a time and these days you’re taking up the entire quota.”

I agree and watch her leave the room. She closes my door carefully behind her. I stare at the spot where she was just standing. Could she really care that much? I lie back down on my bed and cover my face with a pillow. She may have come up here with the goal to make things clearer for me, but if anything, it’s just worse.