"Like there's a chance of that, Stace," someone joked.
"Hey, how about Security Officer?"
The laughter came louder this time, with a sharp edge. Stark took a good look around the table, trying to assess the mood.
Tired. Scared, more than a little, but then we all should be.
"People, I recommend you get back to your units and reestablish routine. They need it, and you need it. We've thrown out a lot of what we've always taken for granted, and we've got to take some comfort in how much of what we've got is still there, just like always."
"Good idea." An awkward moment followed; then Yurivan walked up to Stark with another mischievous grin before bringing her arm up in a precise salute.
Stark returned the courtesy, shaking his head in exasperation. "Get the hell out of here, Stace."
"Yes, sir, Commander." The others followed, many repeating Yurivan's salute, so that Stark had to hold his own salute in acknowledgment.
As the door whisked shut behind the last of the other Sergeants, Stark noticed an outside monitor on the opposite wall of the conference room. He strode over to it, then stopped, gazing at the rocks and the dust, the night black as only emptiness can be, the light and shadows unnaturally sharp. The vicious bedlam of battle had died down, leaving the false impression of peace where exhausted combatants rested before renewing their struggles. Nothing moved in the barren landscape now, nothing except the slow wheel of stars overhead and the even slower progress of the shadows across the lifeless surface. Somehow it seemed different now. "I could live with it, I guess," he noted to himself.
"What's that, Ethan?" Vic asked.
Stark turned to see her still standing nearby, a questioning look bent his way. "Ah, nothing. Battle fatigue, maybe." He returned to his chair, sitting carefully. Somehow, the weak gravity of the Moon seemed to have suddenly multiplied, so that it bore down on him with a weight greater than that of Earth-normal. "I never expected this. Never thought any of it would happen."
She came to sit beside him. "I warned you about that demon, Ethan. Warned you to be ready to live with whatever it made you do."
"I can live with it. I guess. I couldn't let lives be wasted anymore, not when I could save them. But I really didn't want this, Vic."
"What
do
you want, Ethan Stark?"
"What do I want?" Stark looked down at his hands, thinking, then back up at Vic. "I want to wake up in the morning knowing what to do, who to take care of, and who to report to. I want officers who care about me and my troops more than they do about their own promotions. I want everything to happen by regulations, unless the regulations are screwed up, and then I want the senior enlisted to handle it right. I want to know what little box everything belongs in and what big box the little boxes all go into."
Stark paused, noting Vic's unwavering attention. "I want to know I did the right thing, when everything I was ever told about honor and loyalty says maybe I betrayed the stuff I'm supposed to believe in. But none of that can happen. Not anymore. Now I've got to make decisions for others, and make sure I look out for them, and sometimes that's going to mean sending them into situations where they might be killed. I want someone else to be responsible for all this, but I also want to justify the trust my fellow soldiers placed in me, so I'm going to do my damnedest to get it right."
Vic smiled sadly. "Ethan, I can't help you with everything, but I'll try. As for honor and loyalty, nobody anywhere can tell you a thing about those qualities."
"Hell, Vic, we've got to worry about the enemy, about the civs in the colony, about how to get basic supplies, and about our own government and our own military."
"That's right. The corporations are going to be foaming at the mouth at the thought of losing everything up here. They'll tell the government to get it all back, and the government's going to do just what they say, just like always."
"So," Stark concluded, "I won this battle. Saved some people. Now I've got to win a lot more battles."
She nodded back. "Tough jobs only get tougher, Ethan. Think of it as an opportunity to excel."
He laughed at the old joke, then rose from the chair. "A million things to worry about. So what do I do first, Vic?"
"Set priorities."
"Fine. What's first?"
"It's been a long day. How about a beer?"
"Make it two."
"Deal."