Starlight (34 page)

‘I just pay what's on the bill,' Ben answered with a grin. ‘No questions asked, eh? Only thing they haven't got is much of a choice of wine. But I feel I'm intoxicated enough as it is.'

‘Thinking about your new job?'

‘Thinking about you.'

At the intensity of his gaze, she blushed and looked down at her plate. Had he really said that? She was beginning to feel rather intoxicated herself, though she had drunk very little, and knew it was the effect of this man sitting across the table from her. This man she had known for so long, who had married her sister, who was part of her family – and suddenly seemed a stranger.

‘I'll get the bill,' Ben said softly. ‘And then I'll take you home.'

‘There's no need, Ben. It's out of your way. I can get the tram.'

‘You want to spoil my evening? I've been looking forward to taking you home as soon as I saw you on the train.'

‘Ben, that's ridiculous!'

‘OK, maybe I'm exaggerating, but it did cross my mind that we might have a meal, and then we'd be on our own.'

She was still blushing, but managed to say, ‘I think you're forgetting who we are, Ben.'

‘No,' he said firmly. ‘No one knows better, who we are.'

Dusk was slowly descending over the city as they made their way to Jess's flat, walking arm in arm, not speaking, each very conscious of the other in a way that was quite new. Or, for Jess, maybe not. She could remember, if she would let herself remember, feeling the power of Ben's presence before. But that was a long time ago, when he'd been Henry Fonda, or any one of a number of Hollywood stars who'd held her in thrall, and she hadn't thought of him like that in years. Certainly, not since he'd married her sister.

And he was still married to her sister. She'd better not forget that. Or that on her own finger was a wedding ring.

At her door, she took out her key with fingers that were trembling, and turned to Ben.

‘It's been a lovely evening, Ben. Thank you very much.'

‘Aren't you going to invite me in?'

She looked around, as though a neighbour might be looking at them, but the street was empty, and Ben gave a quick grin.

‘Can't see anyone with binoculars trained on us, if that's what you're worried about. I believe I have been to this house before, as a matter of fact.'

Tonight's different, she wanted to cry. Tonight's dangerous!

But she only turned back to her door and fiddled with her key, which would not turn, until Ben took it from her and smartly opened the door.

‘How about some coffee?' he asked, as they walked in.

‘We've had coffee.'

‘Just thought it'd give you something to do.'

‘I need something to do?'

‘Oh, Jess, darling, you're the same as me.' He pulled her into his arms, his eyes in the gloom of the unlit sitting room, fixed on her face. ‘You're as nervous as a kitten, and so am I. Because you know things have changed for us, haven't they?'

‘Ben, we shouldn't be doing this, it's no' right . . .'

For answer, he pressed his mouth to hers and as the long moments passed, she felt the starlight that had so completely left her returning and shining and sending her up, up, into the stratosphere. Where she would have stayed, except that sooner or later, she and Ben had to take breath and stand back, looking at each other and laughing dazedly, finally sinking to Jess's settee and clinging to each other.

‘Ah, Jess, you don't know how long I've been waiting to do that,' Ben was gasping. ‘How long I've been watching and hoping – has it been the same for you?'

‘No, I never thought of you – of us – this way. How could I – the way things are?'

‘You did think of me once though, didn't you?' He gently ran his hand down her face. ‘I always knew, you know, what you thought.'

‘You did?' She pulled a little away. ‘I wish you hadn't told me, then.'

‘Why?' He brought her back to lean against him. ‘It was sweet. I was flattered, to tell you the truth, that someone like you should be attracted to me.'

‘You never said anything at the time.'

‘Only because I thought you were too young.'

‘I wasn't that young, Ben.'

The room was darkening further still and it was hard now for her to make out his features. Again, she pulled herself away.

‘And then you met Marguerite, didn't you? No hesitation there.'

‘Jess, she was older, she seemed right for me.' He sat up. ‘Seemed is the word. And I suppose I was swept off my feet, couldn't see straight. Couldn't see that I was marrying the wrong sister. Ah, Jess, come here!'

They kissed again, fiercely clinging and caressing, until Jess leaped up and said she must put on the lamp – see the time – Rusty would be home.

‘And you must go, Ben. Forget this ever happened. It's crazy, there's no future in it. Let's no' get involved again.'

‘Jess, what do you mean? No future? Of course we have a future! I may be still married, but I'm on the way to freedom, and so could you be. You know Rusty's never been the one for you. Be honest, that's true, isn't it? And things are worse now between you because of his drinking. You've every right to be released.' He kissed her gently. ‘Released to me, Jess. Because it's been in my mind a long time that we should be together. One day, marry. Why not?'

‘You're going too fast, Ben. Things aren't so easy for us.'

‘If we care enough, we can make them easy. Steer round the rocks. Just takes the will.'

Shaking her head, she switched on a table lamp, seeing his face, so serious, come into light, then glanced at the clock and caught her breath.

‘Oh, God, Ben, it's late. Please go now, and we'll see each other tomorrow.'

‘There's no harm in my being here,' he murmured, as she made him move to the door. ‘I mean, Rusty needn't think that there is.'

‘He'd only need to look at our faces,' she said quietly, ‘to know where the harm was.'

‘He doesn't even love you!' Ben cried.

But in the end they parted, and she watched him go, turning often to look back at her, until he had rounded the corner and was out of sight. Then she closed the door and came back into the living room, where she sat for some time, trying to define her churning feelings, only remembering the ecstasy of Ben's kisses and the magic feeling of walking in starlight once again.

When Rusty finally came home, it was late, and she knew he had taken his own way to pleasure via his favourite pub.

‘How'd the meeting go?' he remembered to ask.

‘We've got till Christmas. Then the demolition starts.'

‘Could be worse, I suppose.'

‘I met Ben on the train coming back,' she said casually. ‘He'd had a good interview.'

‘Did he get the job?'

‘Doesn't know yet. We . . . had a meal together, then he looked in here for a minute.'

‘A meal?' Rusty's eyes were strangely clear. ‘What was that in aid of, then?'

‘Think we needed cheering up. Or I did.'

‘He could always cheer you up.'

Jess was silent. She felt the glow of her earlier feelings leaving her, and a sharp little stab of guilt pierce her, as Rusty lay back in his chair and closed his eyes. Was it true, he didn't love her? It was a long time since he'd shown any signs of love, that was for sure. Why should she feel guilty for accepting love from elsewhere, then, if he didn't offer any of his own?

He looked weary, as he lay there, and she remembered he'd had a long day in the projection box. Maybe she should make him something to eat?

As she moved to ask him, his eyes flew open and rested on her, still with the long clear gaze she used to know. Then he looked away and pulled himself to his feet.

‘Think I'll away to bed. No, I don't want anything to eat, I'm pretty whacked. Just want some sleep.'

‘Me, too,' Jess murmured.

She knew it was unlikely she would sleep.

Sixty-Four

‘I can't make you out,' Sally said, sitting one morning in the interview chair in Jess's office, and drinking the coffee Edie had kindly provided. It was Sally's turn to open up the box office at one o'clock, but she'd come in early, just ‘to have a word', she said, and now was studying Jess's face with round interested eyes.

‘Suppose I'll have to ask why,' Jess said with a resigned smile. ‘As though you're no' going to tell me.'

‘Well, one minute you're down, looking as though the roof's fallen in, and I think, oh, she's depressed about the Princes. The next, you're on top of the world, smiling and blushing, like somebody seventeen, and I don't know what to think.' Sally finished her coffee. ‘Or maybe I do. Is it something to do with Ben, dear?'

‘Ben?' Whether or not Jess was like somebody seventeen, she was certainly blushing. ‘How d'you mean?'

‘Well, he seems to be hanging around you more than he used to. Is there something going on?'

‘Sally, I don't know if I can talk about it,' Jess began, then shook her head. ‘Oh, why don't I just admit it? It's all wrong, I know, but it's happened. Somehow or other, we seem to be in love.'

Sally stared, then gave a little whistle.

‘Oh dear,' she whispered. ‘Oh dear, Jess. What a situation, eh? He's no' divorced yet, you've still got Rusty. What are you hoping to do?'

‘I don't know.'

‘What about Rusty, then? Is it all over with him? I'd be sorry. He's a dear, sweet lad.'

‘He has his problems,' Jess said stiffly.

‘I know, dear, I know. And I always used to think you were keen on Ben.'

‘That was a long time ago. We're both different people now.'

‘I'm sure,' Sally murmured.

‘And the thing is, Ben might be moving to Glasgow, if he gets this job he's in for. I don't know if that would make the situation any easier.'

‘Don't think so.' Sally was shaking her head. ‘Seeing as you can't marry him anyway.'

Jess looked at her sharply. ‘He's going to be free when the divorce comes through. I suppose I could be free, too. In time.'

‘Wouldn't do any good, dear. His wife's still alive and you're her sister. According to law, that'd be a forbidden marriage.'

‘What?' Jess had gone quite white. ‘A forbidden marriage? What are you talking about?'

‘Well, you know you can't just marry anybody, Jess. There are lists of folk that are out of bounds. Always have been. People underage or too closely related, that sort of thing. Sisters and brothers of married people are included.'

‘Are you sure, Sally? I mean, we're no' blood relations.'

‘Counted as part of the family. Oh, poor girl – did you never hear of this? Now you're looking like a ghost.' Sally jumped up and went to put her arm round Jess. ‘I only know about it myself because of a family friend. She wanted to marry her brother-in-law after her sister had got divorced, but she was told it wasn't permitted.'

‘What did she do?'

Sally shrugged. ‘What Arnold and I did, if you remember. Naughty, naughty, eh? Of course, we got married in the end, but this girl lived with the guy for years. Some folk looked down their noses, but what could she do?'

Jess dabbed at her lips with a handkerchief, but said nothing.

‘I don't suppose Ben knows anything about the law, either,' Sally remarked. ‘He'd never be expecting you to do what that girl did.'

‘No,' Jess said in a low voice. ‘He knows nothing about that law. Who would?'

‘Except me?' Sally put her hand on Jess's arm. ‘Hey, don't shoot the messenger, eh?'

‘I'm just glad you told me, Sally. Ben and me – we'd have to know.'

‘Aye, well don't forget that the law might be changed one of these days. I think I did hear that the English are talking of it, but of course, our laws are different. Look, thanks for the coffee – I'd better go and open up.' Sally gave a long sigh. ‘No' that I've the heart for it. Wish we could move out now, to be honest.'

‘I don't wish that,' Jess said, rising. ‘I don't want to see the Princes flattened.'

‘We none of us want that, dear.'

When Sally had gone, Jess sat very still, trying to come to terms with what she'd been told. She seemed to be remembering now, that she'd heard of this sort of ban on certain marriages before, probably at the kirk. Had never taken much notice of it. Had never for a moment thought it could apply to her.

But, she was Marguerite's sister, and Marguerite had been Ben's wife, so Ben, even if they both became free, could never be hers. Unless . . .

Unless she was prepared to do what Sally's friend, and Sally herself, had once done. Live with a man without marrying him. Jess recalled now how surprised she'd been when Sally had laughingly told her that she and Arnold wouldn't be needing a honeymoon. Surprised, not shocked. No, what was shocking about it? If you loved somebody enough, you might be willing to do it. She'd wondered at the time if she would be willing herself, but it had all seemed so remote. Not something she need think about.

But, oh God – her fingers tightened on the pencil she was holding and heard it snap – she was thinking about it now.

It was almost one o'clock when Ben looked in, grinning so widely he seemed for once to have lost all connection with the dark, tragic heroes he usually resembled. He was still handsome, though.

‘Don't tell me, you got the job!' Jess cried, leaping up from her desk.

‘How d'you guess? Yes, I got the job.'

He closed the door and came to her, taking her into his arms and kissing her.

‘Oh, Jess, I can't tell you how glad I was to get that call! I thought they'd write, but they phoned, said they'd be putting the offer in writing later, but they wanted to make sure of me. Such a relief . . . I'd really set my heart on it.'