“Una, could you come to the drawing-room,
please,” she called softly a minute later.
Una came back and turned off the television.
“Stan, you’d better go next door and talk to Bert.” She looked at
Sally and me with her big brown eyes which glistened with sadness.
“Come with me.”
“The show’s not over yet,” Sally
complained.
I knew at once something had happened and
wondered how it was Sally could be so thick. “What is it, Una?” I
asked.
“Come,” she urged. We rushed to the front
foyer, the polished wooden floor shone dully in the low
illumination from other rooms. “Leave the lights off,” Una said in
a low voice.
The doorbell rang at the same time. In
front, under the nightlight, stood Elizabeth, Kurt, and Andy. I
knew exactly what beatings looked like. I’d seen them plenty of
times before; dished-out mostly by the bullies at Carling Street to
the younger boys or any foster kid who resisted them. I had no need
to ask what had happened to Kurt and Andy.
“What is it? ” Sally said in a rush. “Are
you sick?”
“Shush,” Una said and gave Andy a quick hug.
“Come in,” she said and closed the door behind them. Kurt was
pinching his nostrils together, probably to stop the bleeding, but
he looked straight at me.
“This is your fault,” he said in a
high-pitched voice.
“Shush,” Una repeated. “Enough blame has
been assigned already, Kurt. You were the oldest.” She rubbed his
head and patted Elizabeth on the shoulders.
“Come upstairs and we’ll stop the bleeding.”
She glanced toward the kitchen. “Mary?”
“Up here,” Mary called from upstairs. “I’m
getting the rooms started.
“I can do that,” Una mumbled to herself.
“Upstairs,” she added with a sigh, pushing us gently ahead.
When Elizabeth saw Mary she began to sob.
They hugged and left to Mary’s office. We huddled in the bathroom
and Una cleaned up and bandaged the boys. Andy talked while Una
worked. “Mom and Dad are going to break up,” he said with tears.
“Mom said she’d leave if he hit us anymore, and he did. We deserved
it for listening to Christian. Daddy was screaming at mommy. He
told her to leave and said that she wasn’t a good mom, that she
would never get us because she had no money and drank all the
time.”
“Sometimes,” Una said, kindly, “mommies and
daddies say things that they don’t really mean. They become angry
and don’t apologize until they cool down.”
This incident would effect my behavior for a
long time. Not only because I’d caused it, but because I saw that
families were organisms and could be destroyed. After Kurt and Andy
were cleaned, Una gathered us all up and we played Monopoly, the
game I had received from Lloyd. Una won. After the four of us had
been sent to bed, I snuck down the hall and knocked on Kurt’s
room.
“What?” he whispered.
“It’s just me,” I said and let myself in. He
was already in bed with the covers pulled up to his neck. I
couldn’t even make out the bruises on his face. He might have been
crying. The lights were off and I couldn’t tell for sure.
“I came to say sorry,” I whispered. “I hope
tomorrow everything will be better.” He said nothing and I left,
knocking next on Una’s door.
“Come in, my full-grown child,” she said
softly.
How she knew it was me, I’d no idea. I think
she was expecting me.
She was dressed in a long bright red-cloth
nightgown and sat on the edge of her bed. The bedroom itself was
nearly twice the size of mine. It had an office under a huge bay
window, a dressing area, two walk-in closets, and a bathroom like
mine. It held a huge bed with brilliant green and red floral
patterns on the pillows and comforter. This was matched with framed
pictures of red rose bushes, lawns glistening in the crimson dawn,
and lakes under a red moon.
In all, there were six pictures on the
walls. Three corresponding green carpets, one in the office, one at
the bed, and one at the entrance, gave the room a friendly soothing
effect. I sat beside her and held her hand.
“Una, why would Bert hit his sons like that?
I mean, why wouldn’t Stan hit me? I’m the one who deserved it.”
“Bert did it to make sure they don’t pay
attention to you anymore. You caused some grief in their household
today. You were on your own for a number of years and learned the
way of the streets, but Sally, Andy, and Kurt, know nothing of
that. You can think on both sides and make a choice. If they’re on
the wrong side, everybody panics. Do you see?” I did and nodded.
“Bert has a bad temper,” she continued, “and believes in
discipline, but tonight he went over the line. He is afraid for his
sons and for his family. Fear sometimes drives men to behave such a
way to bring about the very thing they were trying to prevent. Do
you remember the story of my little Peewee?” I nodded again. “It’s
like that. They didn’t want to kill him only to use him, but they
killed him anyway. Do you see?” I did and nodded for the third
time. “For sometime, the boys’ mom and dad have been at odds.
Something is driving them apart, and this, I think, added to
it.”
“Is it her drinking?” I asked. Una shrugged.
“Is she seeing another man?” I asked further.
Una gave me a steady look. “What do you know
of such things?”
I knew at once I’d struck the truth and that
Bert and Elizabeth were going to be separated soon.
“When a husband or wife are untrue,” I
continued, “does it mean the marriage is going to end?” To my
surprise Una shrugged. “Will Kurt and Andy move then?” I asked
further.
“If they divorce, likely, yes, but not
necessarily. Bert could possibly get custody, but in that case he
might not let them see you again.”
I felt frustrated by the events of the day
and asked Una about The Third Law of Life, the one kids hate the
most.
The third law states that no exacting rules
exist, that everyone has a different opinion, that there are
exceptions to every rule, and that the way for a person to behave,
even a kid, is a vague and treacherous path.
“Is there no place in the world where
somebody knows all the answers to the questions,” I asked in
desperation, “and where there is just one set of rules?”
“We’re human beings and weren’t meant to
have indubitable knowledge. It is the Lord’s domain. He knows that
whenever we think we have absolute knowledge, we don’t take it and
enforce it upon ourselves to be better, but instead try to force it
upon others. Often in life, you must pray for guidance and then
take your best guess.”
Now this might well be the truth, but to a
kid looking at this seeming chaotic world, this answer will never
satisfy. It directly interferes and contradicts The Fourth Law of
Life. Kids’ least objectionable law.
The Fourth Law states, Every law is
absolute, and if it isn’t absolute, then it isn’t really an
important law.
You can see why kids hate the third law so
much. I yawned and rose ready to go. Una rubbed her hand through my
hair.
“No more stealing. Some sins are best left
unpunished if only done once. You’re a brave chap, but I fear the
world has taken you from one reality and put you onto another.”
“What does that mean?”
She hugged me.
“It means you know too much about too little
and know too little about too much. Go to bed.” She slapped me on
the bum, and once inside my bedroom, I crawled into my closet,
where I had built a bunker with warplanes and toy soldiers and
slept through past one o’clock and right into the early morning.
The Korean Communists hunted me all night.
Near the time that I turned thirteen, I
started to realized that as a Tappet, I could live two lives, one
inside the family and one outside. On the inside, I’d to be on my
guard to blend into their visionary aspirations of supplying the
world with its wants. I had concluded that they were kind of
super-noble capitalists with shades of tenderhearted democracy. To
do this, I’d to over-achieve in school, a thing which wasn’t so
difficult, and be competent in extracurricular activities and excel
at one or two things, but to never fail any single challenge. If I
saw failure coming, I would get out of it on some pretext.
I piloted a Cessna expertly, and as Stan had
promised, would easily gain my private pilot’s license when I was
of age. To Stan, this signaled that I truly belonged in the family.
He would have never admitted that, but I knew it in my heart.
Unlike Sally, I’d no grace for the art of diving, and every time I
left the springboard, I had to be completely focused just to go in
head first. On other things, I did better, but didn’t excel. I
discerned generally, that I could never be myself among the Tappets
except for maybe with Una. I became a stoic in this issue. I’d no
blood claim to them and their gifts were mine only tenuously. I
don’t know why I felt the way I did. I’d no concrete reasons to
believe it. It may have even been an unfair judgment. Perhaps I was
poisoned by my time in the orphanages.
On the outside of the family, when there
were no Tappets around, I sometimes could be myself. My humor was
raw and worldly, and I received a lot of attention and laughs,
especially from the boys my age. These opportunities occurred in
such places as at school when Sally wasn’t there, traveling with
the basketball team, Saturday afternoons with the hardball league,
or whatever other chances existed for me to be myself without a
Tappet around. If you scratched the veneer and saw through to me,
it was evident at once that I was a rough and ready street kid, but
when somebody said, “Oh, that Tappet. It must be nice.” For me, at
first, it was.
These were times when being a Tappet felt
fabulous, to have significance just because of a name and place in
society, but to also be a devil’s boy. It was double pleasure, like
getting something of value for free, and then selling it for more
than it was worth. The influence I yielded over any group was
gratifying too, and almost any amount of deference would satisfy
me, so that at first, though my behavior was annoying to others, it
wasn’t disruptive to my own sense of well-being. I’d been right
about the Arckon family. Elizabeth took Kurt and Andy the week
after they had been beaten. Sally cried and thought we would never
see Andy and Kurt again. However, Una interceded on behalf of
Bert.
I had gleaned from Una and Mary’s long talks
in the upstairs office in the evenings, when I spied on them, that
Elizabeth was in love with another man and refused an attempt by
Bert at reconciliation. She left for Maryland where Mary had
secretly arranged to give her a job. However, Una pointed out to
Mary that she was effectively taking away our best friends for the
sake of loyalty to a friend who had committed infidelity. Mom soon
changed her mind, and then to my surprise, Stan, Mary, and Una, all
joined forces, and helped Bert with legal expenses to fight for
custody. Furthermore, they refused to be witnesses against him
about the beating.
At first I didn’t understand this. In the
end, the court gave Kurt to Elizabeth and Andy to Bert, which was
fine. I didn’t know if Kurt was ever going to forgive me for being
beaten up by Bert anyway. I came to understand later that these
were Andy and Kurt’s own choices. I also learned that a sin Una and
the Tappets considered mortal was infidelity. I looked it up, I’d a
dictionary in the bunker, disloyalty and unfaithfulness. I grasped
further that Elizabeth had screwed around on Bert and got caught.
So even those who liked or even pitied her were publicly prevented
from helping her.
In January of 1973, Sally had her first
period. It was a Sunday afternoon and only Una was in the house.
“Look what I had to use all last week,” she said, when she
announced it to me, showing me her box of Tampons. I smiled and was
instantly excited. “It didn’t hurt either,” she teased, “Mr.
Know-it-all.”
“That’s good,” I said hardly able to
swallow. “Is your period done?”
She shrugged, but she must have been curious
because then she nodded and I took her in my arms, kissing her
tenderly. No doubt remained in my mind that this would be the
highlight of my life. After locking the doors, we got the condom
out and took off our clothes, then lay on the bed. I got on top of
her.
“How do you feel?” I asked.
She reached up and kissed me. “It feels
funny, but nice too.”
I agreed that it was strange and warm. We
kissed and I stared into her eyes for the longest time. Too soon I
was spent, surprised that the sensation felt less than I thought it
would, but also the time had flowed past me quickly.
“How was it?” she asked.
I shrugged. “It was okay.”
“Maybe you need to practice more.”
This sounded like an excellent idea and I
agreed. We began practicing every day and that made a great deal of
difference. Much of the time, we remained under the covers, but
sometimes we were more risqué. We became braver as we practiced,
neither of us seeing the dangers down that path. Sally’s breasts
were forming and she now grew pubic hair. I had noticeable biceps
and chest muscles showing. Sometimes when we were alone together,
she’d call out and I would cup her mouth, shushing her. We would
giggle like children and roll over on the floor.
After we received our glowing March report
cards, we began to follow a new combined strategy toward homework
and school. We set our goal: Nothing less than straight A’s. Our
marks were closed to this already. I’d to change two B-pluses and
one B into A’s. Sally had to change two straight B’s into A’s. The
reasoning behind this was that if we got it, we might prevent
impending part-time summer jobs at Tappets. I’d heard it directly
from Una and Mary as I spied on them from the bunker.
To facilitate our goal, we’d meet twice a
day after school in my bedroom. Sally’s room was too filled with
toys. Once at four-thirty for an hour to do our homework together,
and once at seven to study. We would do quizzes on each other and
we developed it into a homemade competition, the best four out of
seven, with the winner being able to ask any favor of the loser.
When she would win, it was strange. She’d ask me to pick out her
fantasy. This was just like her and you might think it would ruin
the spirit of the game, but I’d try to imagine what would be
exciting for her, and then do it to her. Either way, I won.