Stealing Grace (32 page)

“You can’t,” the woman growled, curling her lip bitterly.

Elena decided to go over to the children’s wing, Amy stayed behind, feeling she might be too emotional for that just yet being pregnant and all. What Elena saw broke her heart. The mothers were there with them usually but left the children there for therapy sessions and other things.

Elena looked at the play room full of children and a few sitters. As she went in, the children looked at her as if they assumed she was just another person stuck here like them. They didn’t understand what was going on and didn’t always think they were there to help them.

In their minds, these people had taken their daddies away. She sat next to a little boy, maybe 5, in the nap corner not playing with the other kids.

“Hi,” she said.

“Hello. Whose mommy are you?” the boy asked, looking very shy and untrusting.

“Oh, I’m not a mommy. I’m Elena. I just came to check on you guys. How are ya doing over here?” She looked around to see if he may have been playing with something.

“I’m ok.”

“What’s your name?”

“My name is Mitchell and I miss my daddy and mommy,” he said defiantly. “I don’t wanna play right now with those other kids. They are not playing very nice.” Elena tried to hide her smile as to Mitchell, this was a very serious matter.

“Well, that’s no good. You wanna play something with me? Or maybe I could read you a book or something?”

“Yeah, I guess so. I’m supposed to be napping. At my old house, I would be napping right now, but here I haven’t had to take a nap yet. Mommy likes to read to me, too. What do you like to read?”

“Well, let’s see.” She looked at the short bookshelf and pulled a colorful one out.” Um...here’s Dr. Seuss. Do you like his stories?”

“Yes. He rhymes a lot, right?”

“Yep. Ok...” Elena began to read as the boy nestled beside her on the mat. As she read aloud a few of the nearer children stopped to listen as well.

“I have heard there are troubles

of more than one kind.

Some come from ahead

and some come from behind.

But I've bought a big bat.

I'm all ready you see.

Now my troubles are going

to have troubles with me!”

The children laughed and laughed as if it was the funniest thing they’d ever heard. Elena laughed too. She turned and showed the pictures as she kept reading to the end.

Then she learned patty cake from a sweet little girl, who said her name was Allison, who was 7. She asked if Mitchell wanted to play too but he had advised Elena that ‘boys don’t play patty cake.’

Elena could only think about how much fun this would be one day. She and Alex had brought it up a few times but there were no plans. She guessed that was still a good idea. They were newlyweds after all. They needed some time with each other first.

* * *

The children continued to play with Elena until their moms came back from a session. They all ran to their mothers like it had been days since they’d seen each other. Elena wanted to cry at the sight of it.

She said goodbye to her new ‘friends’ Mitchell and Allison and made her way out the door, making sure to pull it to click shut behind her.

When Elena got in the hall, Alex was waiting for her and smiling. He had apparently been looking and listening through the one way window.

“What are you smiling about?” Elena asked, not realizing she had an audience.

“Some adorable woman playing with some kids. It looked really sweet to me.” Alex moved towards her and she leaned against the wall by the elevators.

“Uhuh. Spying on me, huh?”

“Not at all... Ok, a little. You were pretty cute playing patty cake.”

“Me? She was cute. Did you see those pigtails? Adorable. They all are. It’s not fair to them. They don’t understand what’s going on. And those poor moms are gonna have to tell their kids one day that their daddy’s are in prison because they’re bad men.”

“Well, you seem to be good with them. And yeah, Pigtails is pretty cute.” Alex was looking at the little girl and smiling.

Elena saw her whole life flash before her eyes. Them getting pregnant, labor, delivery, Alex peeking through the nursery window at their daughter, him swaddling her in the rocker, terrible twos, loose teeth, riding a bike, drivers license, graduation. Elena couldn’t help but smile at his expression, his eyes glowing.

She cleared her throat to get his attention.

“You want me to ask if we can keep her?” Elena joked and he laughed, looking bashful at being caught.

“Maybe, she is pretty cute,” Alex repeated and laughed grabbing Elena around the waist. “Maybe we’ll just have to have one of our own.”

He leaned her against the wall and kissed her. Elena noticed this was a very extra eager kiss and she felt a little embarrassed because they were still in the hall, in a government facility. The children couldn’t see of course but, still.

Elena couldn’t seem to help herself though. Alex was definitely revved up by something. She pulled back to gasp for air and could barely get the words whispered out.

“Alex! What are you doing! We’re in the hall. People can see.”

“Ok then, I can fix that.”

Alex whirled her around to the closet door next to them and pulled her in not even turning the light on. They continued kissing intently, though Elena still thought it inappropriate. Alex had a new want that Elena hadn’t seen before, but she couldn’t make herself stop kissing him.

She reached her hands up to his chest but instead of pushing him away she pulled him closer with his shirtfront.
Elena! You are a grown woman! Grown women do not have sex with their husbands in closets in federal buildings!

She finally put reasoning thought to action and pushed him away easy. Her head was spinning now and she scrambled to remember the reason she needed him to stop.
Oh yeah.

“Alex, we can not do this here. What’s gotten into you?”

“I’m sorry,” Alex breathed but didn’t look sorry as he smiled smugly. He still didn’t let her go of her waist. “I just...I just started thinking about things watching you and got a little riled up. You’re gonna be a very sexy mommy.”

He laughed. He leaned in to kiss her again but this was different; tame. He had come to his senses, Elena thought.

He flipped on the closet light and stared at her with his smoldering blue eyes, very close and she could feel his breath on her face, not helping her want to stop at all. He knew just what to do to make her weak.

“Elena, I’m not saying we should do this now but,” he chuckled bashfully before going on, seeing the crazy idea for what it was, “I do want to do this. Look, I know we said we’d wait and we still can wait a little bit for the trial to be over but...I want to start trying.”

“For a baby?” Her breath caught. “Alex, I thought we agreed on this. We wanted to wait to give us some time to be together alone before we add a baby to the mix?” Elena was almost yelling now in disbelief.

“Yeah, I know,” he said, bewildered by her outburst, “but seeing you just now just made me realize how old I am and how ready I am. We aren’t our parents. We are going to be great, especially you. And you look so beautiful in there just now with those kids, so natural,” he said happily and skimmed the backs of his fingers down her cheek.

“Alex...I don’t know. I’m scared. I know you think I’m ready but, I don’t know. I feel the same way about you, watching you watch that little girl makes my heart jump but...that doesn’t mean we’re ready to have a baby of our own.”

“No one is ever ready to have a baby, sweetheart. You’ve just gotta have a little faith, El. I’m not gonna pressure you but, I just want you to know that I want to try. Not today but one day, so think-” He wasn’t done but Elena cut him off.

“I’m going to warn you, I don’t think I’m gonna budge on this.” She shook her head at his taken aback expression. “I’m sorry. I know that’s not what you wanna hear but...this is a big thing and it’s only been a few months, and we don’t have a house or a job. I don’t even want to think about it yet.”

Elena could see the disappointment on Alex’s face but he was scaring her with all this. She knew the time frame or the house situation or the money didn’t make any difference to her but couldn’t think of anything else to say in her defense. Alex still had plenty of his stash left.

She was scared because she was afraid she wouldn’t be able to do it, be a mom. She was afraid she didn’t know how. It was one thing to dream about having a baby, it was entirely another to try to jump her in a hall closet and make the decision to literally make a baby right there.

They hadn’t had a single fight the whole time they’d been together and Elena felt terrible about it now.

It wasn’t really a ‘fight’ but she didn’t like disagreeing with him and she especially didn’t like that disappointing look on his face, the look that her actions put there.

He saw her look of distress over it all and kissed her easily on her lips and hands.

“Ok, El, whatever you want,” he said softly.

Of course he tries to fix this. I’m the one who should feel guilty for getting so upset but here he is, comforting me.
He smiled a little wry grin and peeked outside to see if anyone was coming, leading her by the hand back down the hall to see what else could be done today.

* * *

As heart broken as he was by her odd reaction and rejection of the idea all together, knowing how stubborn she was, he didn’t want that to be a wedge between them, especially not now with everything else that was going on. Being around Amy wasn’t going to help things for either of them.

Roger was waiting at the door, watching Amy with the women through the one way glass in the commons room. Elena went in to get her and hugged some of the willing girls goodbye. She wondered how much longer they would come to see them, how long before they would be released.

* * *

As they were escorted from the locked corridor and made their way through the parking lot, Roger and Amy were talking incessantly about their day and experiences. Elena and Alex walked silently, holding hands. Alex sat in the back of the truck with her, looking despondently out his window.

Elena didn’t know what bothered him more; her refusal to try for a baby or her yelling at him. She felt three inches tall knowing that lying to him about her fears wasn’t the best way to handle it, nor any situation but she felt stupid. He’d just try to tell her what he said before. That she’d be fine, she’d get the hang of being a mother, it was her choice to be good at it, it was natural. Elena didn’t want to be talked into it. She wanted to want it.

Roger and Amy was so enthralled in their discussion they didn’t even notice the other couples quietness or distance, which Elena was fine with. She really didn’t want to talk to Amy about it and Alex had good arguments. They
were
getting older, Alex was third of the way to twenty eight, she was still young, a mere twenty two but in her mind, she felt older. And she knew without a shadow of a doubt that they would be together always, that wasn’t even a thought to ponder.

She loved him more than anything and she did want a baby; his baby. She felt it so much when she was in that room with those sweet children.
Why am I letting my fear control me? Alex will be a great dad, you know that. And you want a baby too, so what’s the problem?

As they walked up to their rooms and said goodnight to Roger and Amy, Elena immediately began making some supper of sandwiches and chips. She couldn’t wait until she could really cook again. Bachelor food was getting old.

She could feel Alex’s eyes on her back but refused to turn around, afraid she might lose it if she looked into his eyes that knew too much, but she didn’t want to fight all night either.

Isn’t this kind of argument usually the other way around, Elena thought, the women trying to push marriage and kids on the man? It was too quiet in there. Elena went to turn on the air conditioner in the corner, just for some noise. She could hear her heart pounding, even though she knew Alex couldn’t. She couldn’t stand the silence.

She bumped her head slightly on the hanging lamp above the table as everyone did when they walked past, as it hung way too low, even for her somewhat shorter frame. She couldn’t think enough to be embarrassed, though Alex was still watching her.

She turned to hand him his plate without even looking at him and went to return to her own but he grabbed her arm. She wouldn’t look at him still. Just stood, waiting for the inevitable fight to continue.

Would he finally get tired of her being stubborn? Would he be angry? It was his decision too. They were married. One person doesn’t make all the decisions, even big ones like babies, especially those.

Alex set his plate on the bedside table and grabbed her other arm, gently pulling her towards him on his lap. Elena still couldn’t look, she knew the second she looked in his eyes the tears would come. He would misinterpret them and think she was terribly unhappy, not wanting a baby with him or worse when really she was just a coward.

She sat straddling his legs on the bed as he pulled up her chin with his thumb to forcing her to look at him.
Here it comes.
Elena tried to keep her face straight as she still refused to look into his eyes. He just stared at her for a few moments, gauging a reaction.

“El, look at me.” Alex spoke soft but firm. Elena paced herself, slowly raising her eyes to look into his. “Tell me what’s really wrong. I know it’s crazy to think about having a baby right now, I just got caught up in the moment. But your reaction...makes me think you’ll
never
want to have this discussion.”