Steele Trap (Heart of Steele) (8 page)

Chapter Sixteen

Dr. Kruger turned out
to be a little wizened apple of a woman, with a twinkle in her eyes behind
thick glasses, and a thick German accent. Ashley's first appointment with her was
a completely unexpected delight. Dr. K suggested that they meet three times a
week for the first couple of weeks, and see how Ashley progressed. For the
first time in weeks, Ashley looked forward to getting up on the mornings when
her appointments were scheduled.

By the third week, Doctor
Kruger had made an assessment of Ashley’s status as the spoiled only child of a
very wealthy man. Without judgment, she questioned Ashley about her childhood
until she got the story of her mother's abandonment, and there she stopped the
recitation of Ashley’s woes.

“Let’s talk about your
feelings around this. You must have been very sad.”

“Well, of course, what
do you think? I was seven years old. I thought my mom hated me. And I was so
angry with Daddy for making her leave. I still don’t know why she left me
behind.”

“Ashley, this is the
root of your depression. Tell me how you feel it has affected you over the
years.”

“Well, I was really mad
at Daddy, so I acted like a brat. That made him try to make it up to me, and I
always got anything I wanted.”

“How do you feel about
that now?”

“I guess I’m ashamed. A
few weeks ago, I thought I was going to have to give up the car he gave me for
my twenty-first birthday, and it broke my heart. And I kept telling myself it
wasn’t the car that mattered, it was the thought. But I still didn’t want to
give it up.”

“Let’s go back to an
earlier time. You said you acted like a brat when you were still a child. What
happened later when you became a teen?”

Ashley kept her eyes
down as she related her sexual history, and why she had chosen to make
conquests of her father's employees for six years. Dr. Kruger betrayed no
evidence of shock or disapproval, which helped Ashley open up about her
feelings.

Dr. Kruger asked Ashley
if she knew her motives for this behavior.

“I used to think I was
getting back at my dad, but now I wonder if it wasn’t a way to connect with my
mom. I have never understood why she cheated on Daddy.”

Dr. Kruger
congratulated her on making a breakthrough in understanding herself. At the end
of the appointment, Ashley’s step was lighter, and she had a smile on her face.
It was important work.

At the next session,
Ashley talked about her relationship with Dirk, and how that had happened.

“And you say you would
consider marrying him, and your families would be happy if that happened?”

“Well, the families
would be happy. But I’m not sure I could do it. I think I actually hate him.”

“Do you feel partially
dependent on him, as if he might be your backup plan?”

“Yes! Wow, that’s
exactly what he’s been for me. And all the time we were together I hated him
for blackmailing me.”

Dr. Kruger let that
observation pass. It was time to confront the current issue, Ashley’s
unrequited love for Jake. Dr. Kruger questioned that it was love, saying it
sounded like lust. Ashley considered that without reacting.

She said, "I can
see why you might think so. I find him very attractive, physically. It made me
want to go to bed with him, especially when I thought he was Daddy’s employee.
And both times I did, the sex was incredible. But, and I don't quite understand
this, what I love about him is his integrity. When he said no to me, he meant
it, he wasn't playing a game or being cruel just because he could, like Dirk. I
feel like I can always trust him to tell the truth, if we could ever be friends
again. He helped my dad out, I'm not sure how, but Dad thinks the world of him.
Somehow, he's real, not like all the well-to-do men I've been around all my
life. Actually, in a way, I think he's a lot like Daddy."

"That could
explain it. Girls often look for the best traits of their fathers in a man they
can love. But, it is a problem for you that he won't speak to you, and you will
need to resolve that for yourself. What would happen if you went away for a
while, got away from everything. If you make a complete change, you may be able
to find yourself after all that has happened. After a year or two, if you still
love Jake, perhaps you will find a way to get through to him."

"I don't have any
skills. I don't know how I'd support myself."

"I have a
suggestion. It would be hard work, it would challenge you like you've never
been challenged, and your parents would think both of us have lost our minds.
But it might be just the thing to take you outside of yourself and allow you to
focus on others."

"What?"

"Something similar
to the Peace Corps."

"You're right, my
parents would think we've both lost our minds."

"Our time is up
for today, Ashley. Think about it and we will talk more at our next
meeting."

Ashley went straight to
her dad’s office on a mission. His administrative assistant told her that he
was in an important meeting with the new CEO, but that he should be finished in
half an hour. Ashley asked her to let Wally know that she would be back, and
went out for a Starbucks while she waited.

As she sipped her mocha
latte grande, she marshaled her thoughts. She was going to demand that Daddy
tell her how to get in touch with her mom, if he knew. And if he didn’t, she
wanted him to track her down. Before Ashley made a radical decision about her
way of life, she wanted to confront the woman who had left her behind and started
such a negative pattern.

Wally showed his
daughter to his smaller office, having given the CEO’s office to his
replacement. So focused was she on her mission, that she didn’t even notice his
reduced circumstances.

“Daddy, I want to talk
to my mother.”

“Precious, why? Hasn’t
she made it clear that she wants nothing to do with you? Jess loves you, why
not leave it at that?”

“You know I’ve been
depressed, right?”

“Well, you haven’t been
a ray of sunshine lately. Have you seen a doctor?”

“Oh, Daddy, don’t you
and Jess ever talk? I’ve been seeing a psychiatrist for weeks!”

“A psychiatrist! Baby,
you aren’t crazy.”

“No, I’m not crazy, but
I’ve got
issues
, Daddy, you must know that.”

“All I know is that I
love you. You are my life.”

Ashley began to cry,
then, which horrified her father.

“Baby, don’t cry! What
can I do to make it better?”

“I told you, Daddy. I
need to talk to my mother. I need to know why she cheated on you and why she
left me behind and never looked back. Until I know those things, I’m never going
to be right.”

Defeated, Wally opened
his Filofax and gave Ashley her mother’s address and phone number. He made one
more attempt to dissuade her.

“Nothing good will come
of this, Precious. Your mother may not talk to you, and if she does, what she
has to say may hurt you deeply.”

“Daddy, hurt doesn’t
describe what’s wrong with me now. I’m
broken
. I have to try.”

Long after Ashley had
left his office, Wally still sat with his head in his hands. He knew the
answers to Ashley’s questions, but he couldn’t bear to be the one to tell her.

Chapter
Seventeen

Ashley didn’t wait to
make the phone call, afraid that she would lose her courage if she did. Even
Becky’s presence would not help her, so she took a leap of faith and dialed the
number. She didn’t recognize the area code.

“Hello.”

“Is this Alice Steele?”

The voice that
responded was straight out of a deep freeze.

“Who wants to know?”

“This is Alice’s
daughter Ashley. I’d like to speak to my mom, please.”

“I haven’t used that
name in over ten years.”

“So, you
are
my
mom?”

“What do you want,
Ashley?”

This conversation
wasn’t going at all as Ashley had imagined it. She took a deep breath, and made
the plunge.

“I want to see you. I
have questions”

“I’m not sure I have
answers.”

Ashley’s stubborn
streak made its appearance. Recalling that she was used to getting what she
wanted, she made her own voice frosty.

“I guess I’ll have to
take my chances. I have your address. I’m taking the first plane I can get out
of DIA. Will you see me?”

“If you insist.”

“I’ll call you with my
arrival time.”

Ashley was now shaking,
her nerves on high alert. She heard again her father’s voice, saying nothing
good would come of it. At least, she would get closure. After a fashion. She
was no longer confident her mother would answer her questions, but she would
have a chance to pose them.

Ashley stood before an
imposing entry door that led into a house even more sumptuous than her dad’s.
Mom must have landed on her feet; it was certain that Wally was paying no
alimony after divorcing her on grounds of infidelity. After a moment’s
hesitation, she rang the bell. The door was opened almost immediately by a
young black woman in livery.

“You must be Miss
Ashley. Come in. Mrs. Alice is waiting for you in the library.”

Ashley followed the
maid to an enormous room lined with thousands of books. She had not remembered
that her mother liked to read, and doubted that these books had ever been read.
In the furthest corner of the room, a striking woman with artfully colored red
hair was seated in a wingback chair. She made no move to rise or greet Ashley,
waiting impassively as her daughter approached. Ashley began to shake again,
whether with nerves or anger, she wasn’t sure.

“Mother.”

“Ashley. You grew into
a beautiful young woman.”

“Thank you. May I sit?”

Alice waved casually at
the chairs arrayed in a conversational group. “As you wish.”

“I won’t waste your
time with small talk.”

“How thoughtful.”

“I have two questions,
and then I’ll answer any that you have.”

“I don’t promise to
answer.”

“I understand. My first
question is, why did you cheat on my father?”

Blinking at the
audacity of the question, Alice considered whether to answer. Finding no reason
not to, she finally spoke.

“Your father was not
always wealthy. When we married, he had no money but a lot of ambition. Where
he is today is a direct result of spending eighteen hours or more per day
building his empire. That left no time for me. I was lonely.”

It was Ashley’s turn to
blink. Something had certainly changed. Wally was always home for dinner, and
always spent the evenings with Jess. Maybe he had learned his lesson.

“Fair enough. My second
question is, why did you leave me behind?”

“Ashley, are you sure
you want to know the answer to that?”

“I have to.”

“Very well. I left you
behind because I never wanted a child. When I discovered I was pregnant, I was
devastated, and I wanted to get an abortion. Your father wouldn’t allow it.
When he forced me to leave, it was my chance to escape. You were far better off
with the parent who wanted you. I never did.”

As Alice spoke, Ashley
flinched more with each sentence. An abortion! Her mother never wanted her? It
was too much to bear. Sobbing, she struggled up from the chair and fled the
room. Alice made no move to follow.

Chapter
Eighteen

Three weeks later,
Ashley had made up her mind, after several more appointments with Dr. Kruger
helped her to see more and more clearly that she would be wasting her life if
she continued in the pattern she had established before Jake, and before her
dad’s crisis. Her parents, for she had started calling Jess “Mom” to her
delight, were concerned but supportive.

Dirk was still
incommunicado, and his dad refused to say where he was or what he was doing.
Ashley figured it was just as well; she didn’t want to spare the energy to
argue with him. Jake was still blocking her calls. She considered asking her
dad to tell Jake what she was going to do, but decided it wasn’t worth the
curiosity dad would have. Becky, though, had to know. Ashley was not surprised
that Becks tried again to talk her out of it.

"I know, it sounds
crazy, Becks. But think about it. I've been a selfish brat all my life. This
would make a difference."

"Ashley, it's
pretty radical. From pampered little rich girl to Peace Corps volunteer? How
does that even happen?"

"It’s not Peace
Corps per se. I’ve looked into it. Dr. Kruger’s foundation helps support this
non-profit organization called Building a Better Bolivia. They'll give me some
training, and I won't be alone. I’ll be helping to build a school for third-world
children, and after we build it, I’ll teach in it for a year. Becky, they're so
cute! And," more soberly now, “I need to find out if I’m like my mother. I
don’t want to get married someday and find out too late that I hate kids like
she does.”

"You don’t hate
kids, Ashley. But, don't let the cuteness make you overlook the hardship. You
can't imagine how primitive those places are, Ash. Can you even speak the
language?"

"I understand, but
I really think I'd like to do it. And yes, I have a working knowledge of
Spanish because of Maria and Conchita. Dr. Kruger's right. I need to get away. I
have to be on my own for a while to think, and come to terms with my mother’s
rejection. And, either forget Jake or prove to both him and myself that I
really love him."

"It's just so
drastic
!
And what will I do without you for two years?"

"Maybe it's time
the two of us took a break from each other so we can grow up."

"I think you've
already taken a giant step. I love you, Ashley, like the sister I never had.
Promise me you'll be okay, and promise to write."

Ashley threw her arms
around her best friend to hold her close. Although it would be two more weeks
before she reported for her training, today felt like the end of her childhood.
Her next adventure would be so different from anything Ashley had ever known
that she might as well be a completely different person. Ashley looked forward
to meeting that person.

<<<<>>>> 

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