Stella Mia (19 page)

“
Mia figlia. Non c'è nulla da perdonare.
There is nothing for me to forgive, my daughter. I knew you could not stay here any longer after what happened to poor Tina.” My mother strokes my hair back and tucks it behind my ears. She picks up the washcloth and presses it to my forehead once again. “
Dormi.
Sleep now. Get some rest.”

But at the mention of my beloved cat Tina, I sob even harder. Suddenly, the weight of all that I have had to endure over the past few months comes bearing down on me—my father's beatings growing more severe, abandoning Tina, running away from home, struggling to find work to support myself, worrying about Mama, Carlotta, Enzo, and Pietro.

“Mama, please believe me when I tell you that I have thought about you and the children every day since I ran away. I have felt so guilty for leaving and for finally being free of Papá.”

“My dear child, I was so worried about you, too. I wondered if you were eating and where you were sleeping. I was afraid you would be attacked since you are a pretty young woman. Every night, I prayed to God and all the saints to protect you. I am happy to see you are safe. When you sent money to me, I saw the return address was Messina. But I did not believe you would have mailed a package from where you were actually staying and risked your father's seeing it. Where were you staying?”

“I went to Taormina, Mama, but I had one of the workers at the hotel where I worked send the money to you when he went to visit his parents in Messina. I wish you could see Taormina, Mama. It's beautiful beyond words. A paradise on Earth. I had always dreamed about seeing Taormina. That added to my burden. I felt guilty that I was having a life I had fantasized about, while you and the children were suffering so much.”

“Please, Sarina, stop feeling guilty. I have always wanted nothing but the best for my children, especially you. If all my children could escape and have wonderful lives, I would be so blessed. My life is over, but there is still hope for my children.”

“Oh, Mama.” I begin crying again as I press my head against my mother's chest. I wish I could hug her, but I know she cannot untie me.

Mama strokes my hair and, as if reading my thoughts, says, “I should cut these ropes so that you can run away again, but I'm too afraid of what he will do to the children.”

Her voice sounds strained. I look up into her face and see how tormented she is over wanting to help her daughter but fearing her action will only make circumstances worse for her and my siblings.

“So he still beats you? And from what you have just said, he is now beating the children, too? I feared this would happen after I left. Sometimes I thought about returning for this reason alone.”

“He began beating me more, and he started hitting Carlotta and Enzo on a more regular basis. When you were around, he only spanked them from time to time. Enzo has been rebellious, which has only incensed your father more. But he controls himself more with them. Carlotta's and Enzo's punishments have not been as severe as yours were. It's as if there is a small, rational part of him that realizes they are still too young. He doesn't hit Pietro since he is only a toddler.”

“I guess the devil hasn't completely possessed Papá,” I say with much sarcasm in my voice.

“He has tried to find you every day since you left. He's gone to Barcellona and Messina, showing your photograph to people and making inquiries.”

“I'm surprised he wasted so much time on me.”

“Your father has never liked to lose. Your managing to run away and stay hidden for all these weeks has made him feel like you got the upper hand over him.” Mama shakes her head. “He is not a man but rather a child who must always get his way.”

“It's my fault that he now hits Carlotta and Enzo and that his beatings of you have become more frequent. It is probably for the best that Papá found me and brought me home. At least now we are all reunited again, and I can protect the children from him.”

“He will still beat us, Sarina. You were not always able to protect me when you were here. Remember when he broke my teacup? You know, as well as I do, that sometimes it's better not to intervene because his fury just gets worse. I know you often threw yourself in his path when you thought he was about to hit the children. But he will not allow you to stand in his way anymore. Remember, he is stronger than you. Look at how brutally he beat you tonight. And his future beatings of you will be even more merciless, especially after the way you disobeyed him and embarrassed him by running away.”

“Embarrassed him by escaping this hell? He should be embarrassed over the way he treats his family.
That's
what he should feel humiliated about,” I all but scream.

“Shhh, Sarina. He will wake up. I should go back inside. He gets up regularly in the night to use the bathroom. His drinking has only become worse since you left.”

“All right.
Grazie, Mama
.” My mother hugs me and kisses me on both cheeks. Before leaving, she tries to loosen the ropes binding me so that they're not cutting into my skin too deeply. But Papá has tied them with iron strength.

“Don't worry, Mama. Go before he discovers you're gone.”

Mama nods her head. Picking up the washcloth and the healing salve jar, she hurries back into the house.

Tears run down my face. Although I suspected that Papá would transfer his beatings of me onto Carlotta and Enzo, hearing proof of it from my mother is almost too much for me to bear. And Mama is right. He will absolutely show no mercy on me from here on out. I might as well try and find a way to end my life before he does it.

Staring up at the stars, I try to let the serenity of the night sky soothe me.

“Sarina!”

My heart races. I see a dark form rush toward me.

“Who's there?” I cry out.

“It's me.” The moonlight shines on Carlo's face as he comes closer.

“Carlo! How did you find me? Please, you must leave before my father discovers you!”

“I'm not leaving you. Oh my God! What has he done to you?” Carlo kneels beside me, which allows him a better view of my battered face. And when he sees I am tied to the tree, his face twists in anger. I have never seen him look so mad.

“He's a savage brute! I will kill him!” Carlo's voice rises.

“Shhh! Please, Carlo, calm down. You will only make things worse for my mother and my siblings. Please, just go back home. Forget about me. I should never have run away. My family needs me. As I suspected all along, my father has now transferred his beatings of me onto my sister and one of my brothers. And he beats my mother even more than before. I was a foolish girl thinking I could have the life I've lived these past couple of months. I was not born to that world. I need to be a dutiful daughter and help my mother and siblings.”

“Sarina, you have told me that it did not take much for your father to unleash his anger on you and your mother. He sounds completely insane! There is no reasoning with someone like that. There is no way you can continue to live here. He will beat you even worse. Look at you!”

I begin crying again. Carlo and Mama are right. There is no doubt that my father's abuse toward me will be much more severe.

“I don't think I can leave my family again, Carlo. The guilt over abandoning them before has stayed with me every day that I've been away. I don't think I can take leaving them a second time, and now that my mother has confirmed for me that he also hits my younger siblings . . .” My voice trails off as I shake my head.

“It won't be your choice, then, Sarina. I am kidnapping you. The guilt lies with me.” In an instant, he takes out from his trousers' waistband a pocket knife and cuts my ropes.

“No, Carlo!” I try to protest, but Carlo places his hand over my mouth.

“Sarina, please don't cry out. As you said earlier, if your father discovers me it'll only make matters worse for your mother and siblings. I will report your father to the local
carabinieri
for domestic abuse. That should put the fear of God in him, and he will stop hitting your mother and siblings.”

“Ha! That is what you think? The police do not get involved in domestic matters. You know that.”

“They do when they're paid enough. Everyone in Sicily knows how corrupt the
carabinieri
are. I will pay them generously to warn your father, and I will also ask them to make regular visits to ensure there is not so much as a bruise or a scratch on your mama and little brothers and sister. I promise you, Sarina. No harm will befall them again. I will also secretly come by from time to time to check in on them.”

“But if my father catches you—”

“Don't worry, Sarina. He won't even know I'm here.”

“You would do all of this for me, Carlo?”

“Of course I would. I love you.”

“I love you, too. I thought I would never see you again after my father took me away from the Villa Carlotta.”

“You'll never lose me, Sarina. Now we must go. We cannot waste any more time.”

“Wait. I want to see my little brothers and sister. I have not seen them since I came back. I just want to see their faces one last time.”

“Sarina, it is too risky.”

“Are you saying that if my father wakes up and discovers we are fleeing, you will not put up a fight for me?” A hint of a smile escapes, for I know what his answer will be.

“No one is taking you away from me again, Sarina.”

“That is what I thought. I will only be two minutes. Wait here.” I stand up carefully since my legs are cramped from being tied and walk quietly to my house. Opening the door very gingerly, I step inside. My father's snoring reaches my ears, and my anxiety lessens since I know he is in a deep sleep. I enter the bedroom that Carlotta, Enzo, and Pietro share. Even in the dark, I can tell they have grown quite a bit in the two months since I've been gone. Part of me wishes I could wake them up and talk to them just for a moment. However, though I trust Carlo would not leave me here, I don't want him getting into a fight with my father. And I don't want Carlotta and Enzo witnessing that. I notice on the floor beside their bed my bag with the few belongings I took before leaving the Villa Carlotta. Papá must have thrown it there. Taking out my deck of tarot cards, I place them beneath Carlotta's pillow. She will know they are from me once she and Enzo hear I was here. For of course, Papá will throw a fit when he learns I have run away again. I feel slightly comforted in knowing that at least I can leave this small gift for Carlotta and Enzo. In Sicily, tarot cards are also often used as playing cards. A vision of Carlotta and Enzo sneaking off to one of their beloved outdoor hideaways on the beach and playing with the cards comes to my mind. Smiling, I lightly kiss my sister and brothers on their cheeks before stepping out of their lives once more.

Aeolian Islands

Vulcano

 

 

 

 

C
arlo and I are en route to Lipari. The first port of call for the ferry that takes passengers to the Aeolian Islands is Vulcano. Carlo decided to start his job a few days later so that we could have some time to ourselves and explore Vulcano. I think he did this to help ease the pain of leaving my family.

After we left my house, we spent the night in Milazzo, near the ferry station. We slept in Carlo's car—or rather he slept. I was awake most of the night, sobbing and thinking about Mama, Carlotta, Enzo, and Pietro. Every so often Carlo would wake up and hold me in his arms as he whispered to me that everything would be all right.

Carlo had made arrangements to meet Gaetano at the ferry station before we departed so that he could give him his car keys. Carlo trusted Gaetano and knew he would not betray our whereabouts to Signore Conti. Gaetano was going to keep Carlo's car at his parents' house in Taormina. Carlo had explained to me that on a few of the islands, cars were not allowed. Besides, the islands were so small that one didn't really need them.

Gaetano agreed to mail a letter to my mother once he arrived in Taormina. While I was up last night, unable to sleep, I found a note pad in Carlo's glove compartment. I let Mama know that a friend had helped me escape, and that I was safe. I apologized to her for leaving once again and acknowledged that she was right when she told me life would be even harder for me in my father's home. I also let her know things would be different from here on out for her and the children. Of course, I didn't tell her what Carlo had said about how he was going to bribe the police so that they would warn Papá and check in on Mama and the children from time to time. Mama would realize what I meant once the police visited Papá.

Carlo had thought to ask Gaetano if he could get some makeup from Grazia to cover up the bruises on my face. When Gaetano handed me the makeup, I was barely able to look at him. I felt so ashamed of the beating my father had given me, even though I knew it wasn't my fault. I quickly put the makeup on, still trying to keep it looking as natural as possible since I rarely wore any, and then handed the makeup to Gaetano to bring back to Grazia. But he told me Grazia wanted me to keep it. Secretly, I was relieved since I knew it would take a few weeks for my bruises to fade.

“Porto di Levante!” The ferry's captain announces we've arrived at Vulcano's port.

I was so absorbed in my thoughts that I didn't even notice we were approaching land. My thoughts drift back to the nights I snuck out of my family's house and stared at Vulcano on the other side of the beach, wishing I could escape to the island. Now here I am. As the ferry gets closer to the dock, the smell of hard-boiled eggs reaches my nose.

Carlo sees me scrunch up my nose and says, “That's the odor of the sulfur coming from the mud baths, the Laghetti dei Fanghi. They're not far from here. We'll take a dip in them later.”

“Ewww! I don't want to sink myself into mud even though I have heard the minerals are good for your skin.”

“Everyone who travels to Vulcano must indulge in the Laghetti dei Fanghi. It'll be fun!”

I shrug my shoulders. “If you insist.”

“And wait 'til you see the beaches, Sarina. I won't say anything more so that you'll truly be surprised.” Carlo puts his arm around me as we disembark from the ferry. I merely nod my head. Though I am trying to remain upbeat and joke with Carlo, it is difficult for me. My spirits are still so low.

“I know you are terribly sad over leaving your mother and siblings, Sarina. But you will see them again someday. Now is not the right time. You understand that, don't you?” Carlo's eyes look concerned. I touch his cheek.

“I do. Don't worry. I'll be fine. I just need some time. Please be patient with me, Carlo.”

“Always.”

“You still haven't told me how you found out that my father had taken me away from the Villa Carlotta and how you find my home.”

Carlo sighs.

“When I came home last night and discovered you weren't singing, I asked Gaetano where you were. He told me how your father had found you and insisted you go back home with him. I became enraged when I found out that my father didn't even try to intervene to prevent you from leaving. I went to find him. I asked him how he could've let you go. I told him how your father beat you, and that that was why you had run away. My father told me he could no longer employ you, knowing you'd run away from home, and that as a minor, you still belonged to your father. I grabbed him by the lapel of his shirt and threw him against the wall. I told him he was a coward and that the real reason he didn't attempt to intervene is that he wanted you gone so that I could no longer see you. My father then said he had known we were involved, and it was for the better that things didn't work out. He asked me to listen to reason and told me we came from different worlds. He said you would prove to be nothing but trouble for me. Besides, I was still young and had no idea what I truly wanted and neither did you. My hands curled into fists. I know he is my father, Sarina, but I almost hit him in that moment. Instead, I told him he didn't know me and would never know what I truly desire in life. I then walked away.

“I went to your room and searched among your things to see if there was some clue as to where your family lived. To my extreme relief, I found your Bible with an address written on the first page. I prayed it was the right address. I knew once I found you, I would take you with me and never return to the Villa Carlotta. Besides, we were planning on leaving for Lipari that night anyway. So I packed a bag and set off to find you. And thank God, I did.”

“I can't believe I left my Bible behind, but I guess I'm not surprised since I was so upset and in shock that my father had found me. I'll never forget what you are doing for me, Carlo.”

“It's not entirely unselfish of me, Sarina. When I thought I might've lost you forever, I felt so desperate. I couldn't imagine you absent from my life.”

I hug Carlo. We then walk hand in hand away from the dock.

“I suppose we'll find a hotel first? Will we be able to find a vacancy? I noticed all of the tourists on the ferry.”

“I also have a friend who owns a hotel here in Vulcano. When I went to get us espresso this morning, I called him. Fortunately, he had a few rooms left. So we'll be fine, Sarina.”

“You have a lot of friends, thankfully for us. Can we trust them not to say anything to your father?”

“Yes. I've already told both Tomaso, my friend here in Vulcano, and Michele, my friend for whom I'll be working in Lipari, not to let my father know of our whereabouts if he calls. However, I don't think he'll be looking for me. He has more important business to attend to with his hotels and becoming even richer than he already is.” Carlo's voice sounds very bitter.

“After we drop our bags at the hotel, I thought we would take advantage of being up so early and go hiking to the top of Vulcano della Fossa. We can go to the beach after lunch.”

“They let people climb to the top of the volcano?” I ask incredulously. My heart starts to pound a bit, realizing how high that must be. While I don't have a fear of heights, I also have never been that high up before.

“Of course. That's one of the main attractions that tourists flock to here in Vulcano. We'll need to stop by a few stores and get ourselves proper shoes. You'd never make it up there in your flimsy sandals. We'll also need water.”

“As always, you think of everything, Carlo.” I smile at him.

“Well, one of these days I'll forget something.” Carlo winks.

Tomaso, Carlo's friend, is at the hotel's front desk when we arrive. The hotel is simply called L'Albergo Vulcano. It is nowhere near as grand as the Villa Carlotta, but seems more practical, probably catering to tourists who are not wealthy.

“Carlo! It's been a long time!” Tomaso shakes Carlo's hand, then kisses me on both cheeks as he introduces himself.
“Piacere, Sarina. Sei molta bellissima!”

I blush at Tomaso's compliment. “
Grazie.
It is nice to meet you, too.”

“I'm sure you will be comfortable here. Are you certain you cannot stay longer than two nights, Carlo?”

“Yes, I will be starting work in Lipari the day after tomorrow.”

“Work? And at another hotel? Did your father disown you?” Tomaso laughs.

“Not yet, but I'm sure he will when he learns I have struck out on my own.”

“I see. That is commendable of you to want to forge your own path, Carlo. Nothing wrong with that. Well, here are the keys to your room. I will let you get settled. Of course, let me know if you need anything. Enjoy your stay in Vulcano.
Arrivederci!
”

I am too focused on the fact that Tomaso gave us keys to just one room to return his farewell. But what did I expect? I wouldn't want Carlo to spend money on two hotel rooms. Perhaps there are two beds in the room, but I'm too embarrassed to ask Carlo.

We arrive at our room, and I breathe a sigh of relief when I see there are two twin-size beds in the room. Though I want to show my love fully to Carlo, I'm still frightened of what my first time will be like. I guess I'm not as ready as I thought I was recently.

We drop off our belongings and use the restroom before heading back out. I take my bag, but empty it of some of its contents.

“Should I pack my swimsuit so that we can go to the beach directly after eating lunch?” I ask Carlo.

“Yes. This way we don't waste any time. I'll take the towels in the bathroom. We can get more later.” Carlo looks at his watch. “I want to go to the volcano early before it gets too hot. We can rest on the beach after lunch.
Va bene?”

“That's fine.”

Carlo gives me a light kiss on the lips.
“Sei perfetta, mio angelo.”

“I'm not perfect nor an angel!” But I'm delighted by his endearments.

We make our way back to the shops in town. After buying hiking shoes, we head over to a grocery store to buy water.

“Ah!
Cioccolato!”
Carlo picks up a small box of chocolates. “We'll need these to give us some strength after climbing to the top of Vulcano della Fossa. You've had Baci chocolates, right?”

A memory flashes through my mind of my father's bringing home a box of chocolates for my mother one year when it was her birthday. I was no more than four or five years old. That is the only memory I have of him doing something nice for her. I remember the box was a dark blue like the one Carlo is holding. My mother had secretly shared her chocolates with me out of fear that Papá would be insulted she was giving them away—even to her young daughter. The chocolates were heavenly.

“
Si.
They are quite good. But it has been a long time since I had them.”

“Let's buy two boxes then!”

“How will we carry all those chocolates and our water to the top of the volcano? It's too much, Carlo!” I laugh.

“I'll take the chocolates out of the boxes and keep them in this paper bag. Don't worry. I'll carry them, and besides, we'll be eating them as we hike. The load will be light in no time!”

“
Signore
, would you also like to purchase tickets to the tour of Vulcano della Fossa? I can give you a discount,” the store's clerk asks Carlo.

“What time does the tour depart?”

“In five minutes.”

Carlo shrugs his shoulders. “Why not? It'll give you a chance, Sarina, to learn more about Vulcano.” Carlo pulls out his wallet and pays for the tickets.

A few minutes later, we're with a small group of tourists and a man who is our tour guide. He's short and probably in his sixties. He wears navy blue shorts and a white button-down shirt tucked into his pants. A white canvas hat and sturdy-looking black hiking boots complete his ensemble. His arms and legs are deeply bronzed. I also notice his calf muscles are well-defined. No doubt from all the hikes he's taken up the volcano.

“Gather around, please.
Mi chiamo Fulvio.
I will begin giving the tour while we hike. This way, once we are at the crater, you can relax and enjoy the scenery as well as take photographs. If anyone has questions for me, I am happy to answer them, but please wait until after we reach the volcano's summit.”

“Fulvio must love to hear himself talk,” Carlo whispers to me. I give him a scolding look and silently mouth “Shhh,” but I can't resist laughing softly.

As we make our ascent, I'm grateful Carlo thought to buy the hiking boots. The ground is quite pebbly, and the higher we get, the steeper the incline becomes.

“Ah!” Carlo slaps his forehead. “I knew I was forgetting something. Sometimes it can get quite cool at the top, especially in the morning. We should've bought sweaters at the shops, too. I guess we will have to keep each other warm.” Carlo leans in close to me as he says the last sentence. My stomach flutters. And then I remember how we will be spending the entire night alone together in the same room. True, we already spent a night together when we slept on the beach in Castelmola. But this feels different, more intimate, perhaps because of the hotel room's small quarters.

“Attenzione, per favore!”
Fulvio shouts for attention as he directs his gaze toward us.

Carlo and I giggle, but remain quiet for the duration of the guide's history on Vulcano, which I'm actually enjoying and finding quite fascinating.