Stiffed (22 page)

And what are these comparisons to Bruce Willis about – Die Hard, Moonlighting?   Unless he dyes his hair red
, what’s left of it, and is prepared to get an all over body wax for a psycho-bitch who’s stolen a million dollars from the Memphis mob and double-crossed her fellow thief, and has to call on his friends for help to try and sort it out, then I’d say we have little in common.  He wouldn’t need to call his friends.  He could kick ass on his own.  I bet the guy even knows the name of different kinds of guns. 

‘I think you’ll do better sticking to chocolates and steering well clear of amateur psychology, Annabelle
,’ Sally says.  ‘I wouldn’t be interested in him if he was the last man alive.’

‘If I was the last man alive and you were the last woman,
’ I counter, ‘I’d let the species go extinct.’

‘I rest my case,’ Annabelle says.

This is ridiculous, we’re just wasting time. 

‘What about Paavo and Jason,’ I ask.
  ‘Where’s the van?’

‘Just off of Park Street, near to the old water tower.’

‘Then what are we waiting for?’ I ask, heading for the door.

‘The child minder.’

Oh yeah, the child minder.  I’m sure that Storm and Cyclone could cause mayhem and terror, but even they’re no match for the Taylor family. 

‘Jesus, Tiger, try and stay with the plot, will you,’ Sally says condescendingly.

‘There’s a plot?  I just feel like I’m in a pinball machine, pinging from one disaster to another.’

* * *

We approach the van slowly.  It’s parked on the side of the street under a large chestnut tree.  About fifty meters behind it is the old water tower, ‘Carrick Springs – The Friendliest Town in America’ painted on the container. 

They should re-paint it
to: ‘The Most Unpredictable Town in America.’

The cab of the van is empty.  We park in front and get out.

I try the driver’s door and it opens.  The keys are in the ignition.  There’s no sign that the van was forced from the road or that there was a struggle.  It’s like Paavo just parked up and they walked away.

‘Amazing,’ I say, removing the keys
, dangling them from a finger.  ‘Someone could have driven away with a fortune in chocolates.  Gorged themselves.’

‘They better have taken an empty van,’ Annabelle says.  ‘If there’s
stock in the back as well as dead bodies we’re going to have to throw it away.’

As ever, she has her priorities right. 
We walk to the rear of the van and I put the key in the lock.

‘You’re worried about your stock?
’ I say.  ‘If there are dead bodies in here, then we’re back to square one.’

‘Except we’re missing Jason and Paavo
,’ Sally says, ‘and you supposedly have a million dollars on your head.’

I open the door.  The container is cool and empty, the refrigeration unit still working, the racks empty of trays.  I clamber in and move to the freezers used to transport the ice cream.  I open the first freezer door and Junior topples out, sending my heart jumping into my mouth and my body sprawling back against the s
ide of the van.  Junior clunks to the floor with a solid thwack. 

I move
gingerly back to the freezer.  Marino is still standing upright inside the unit.  I tap the sheet wrapped around him.  He sounds hollow.  They must be frozen solid like giant popsicles.

‘Well, we at least know that they managed to collect Junior and Marino,’ I say.

‘I’m going to have to get this van industrially cleaned,’ Annabelle says.

‘Now what?’
I ask, ignoring her concern.

‘I don’t know.  We need to find Barry White.’

‘We should go to the police,’ Sally suggests.

‘No!’ both I and Annabelle say together.

‘We don’t know where they are,’ Sally reasons, ‘we don’t have any weapons, and we don’t know how to fight.’

She has a point.  Well, three to be honest, but it’s not the whole picture.  ‘W
e do have the million dollars,’ I say, patting the cap on my head.

‘All you have is a cap,’ Sally says.  ‘There’s nothing to suggest it’s worth a million dollars.’

‘I could write a code in it, like a bank reference number or something,’ I suggest.  ‘Make it look like it might give access to the million bucks.’

‘And that’s meant to fool them, is it?’

‘Yes.’

‘Don’t be a moron all your life, Tiger.  They want hard cash, not a cap.’

‘I was trying to make a constructive suggestion.’

‘Well, don’t.’

‘Since when did you get to tell me what to do?’

‘For
God’s sake,
stop
,’ Annabelle says.  ‘I’m not sure I can take any more of you two arguing constantly.  You’re driving me mad.  Tadhg, put Junior back in the freezer before he starts to melt.’

I’m still not o
verly keen on manhandling the stiff corpse, but I lift him up and shove him into the freezer unit, struggling to close the door.  As it clunks shut I have another idea.

‘We also have Junior,’ I say.

Annabelle and Sally stare at me blankly.

‘Barry White killed Junior; Denise’s husband.  The
husband she drove up here to reclaim from Kate.  If she knew the truth then she might turn against her brother.  Divide and conquer.’

Annabelle’s nodding her
head.  Sally’s looking at me as if I’ve got two heads.

I have another idea.
I’m on a roll.  A regular ideas factory.

‘They have to be staying somewhere, right? 
They’re not locals, so a motel would be my guess.  We could drive round the town to the different motels, see if we can spot them.’

‘It’ll be like looking for a needle in a haystack,’ Sally moans.

‘More like searching for a red Beetle in a small number of motels,’ I correct, jumping down out of the van.

‘And what are we going to do with the van and the bodies?’

Jesus, it’s like the woman is genetically programmed to undermine my propositions.  If I was to suggest that we now go to the police, she’d argue against it, regardless of her previous conviction.

‘We can lock it up and leave it here.’

‘We’re not leaving it here,’ Annabelle says.  ‘That van’s worth a lot of money.  We’ll take it back to the factory.  I’ll tell John it’s to be left alone until I say otherwise.’

‘I’m not sure that’s a good idea
.’

‘But yours are?
’ Sally says.

‘I just think it would be a disaster to Annabelle’s
company if two bodies were discovered in the back of one of her vans.  Nobody will want to eat her chocolates.’

‘You were the one that’s just said to leave the van here with them inside
!’

‘He’s right,’ Annabelle mutters.  ‘We need to get rid of the bodies.  Tadhg, you drive the van and follow us.’

‘I’m not driving anything.  Sorry.’  The last two times I drove were hardly success stories.

‘
Uh-uh,’ Sally says, backing away, ‘I’m not driving a van with two corpses in it.’

‘Fine, I’ll drive this
van and you two can follow me in the other,’ Annabelle says, her temper beginning to fray.

‘If it’s okay, I’ll travel with you, Anna,’ I say. 

I could really do with a break from Sally.  I think I preferred it when I was being chased all over the place.  At least I didn’t have someone nagging me all the time.

* * *

‘Will you stop fidgeting, you’re making me nervous,’ Annabelle says.

We’ve driven down
Park Street, along Oak Street, and we’re now making our way up Telegraph Road towards John Philips’ gas station.

‘I’m not fidgeting.’

‘You are.  You’re playing with your cap, you’re biting your nails, rolling your shoulders, and glancing around as if a giant dinosaur is going to burst out of nowhere and attack the van.’

‘I can’t help it,’ I explain.
  ‘I’ve spent all day pinging from one disaster to another.  I’ve been chased, shot at and beaten up.  I must be wanted for just about every crime on the statute book.  Nobody has attacked me in the last hour except verbally.  It just doesn’t feel right.’

‘Like the calm before the storm.’

‘Exactly.  I keep expecting some truck to pull out of a side street and plough into the side of us or the cab to be peppered with bullets.’

‘Thanks for those
soothing thoughts,’ Annabelle says sarcastically.

‘I can’t help it.  It’s too quiet.  It’s giving me the creeps.  What we could
do with are a few of Paavo’s friends from the 75
th
Ranger Regiment.’

‘Ranger Regiment?’ Annabelle asks.

‘Yeah, I asked him who he’d invite to help him if he ever got in a bind and he said the 75
th
Ranger Regiment.’

Annabelle laughs
.  ‘Paavo wasn’t in the Rangers.’

‘He wasn’t?’

‘No, he was a cook in the Army Engineers.’

‘A cook?
  Paavo was a cook?’

‘Yes.’

‘Shit.  He never told me he was a cook.  Damn, a cook!  I assumed he did something kind of hush-hush since he refuses to talk about it.  I just assumed he transferred from the Engineers to the Rangers.’  Another friend keeping secrets from me.  I’m beginning to wonder to what extent we’re all really friends.

She shakes her head.
  ‘Not that I know about.  It’s not on his resume.’

‘Well, it wouldn’t be
, would it, if it was hush-hush.  Maybe he was some kind of elite, undercover soldier or something.’

‘And maybe he was a cook.’

‘So what you’re saying is, the chances of him doing some kind of A-Team style escape are pretty slim?’

‘
Paavo’s quite resourceful.  Besides, you’re not a ranger and you’ve managed to survive so far.  You even managed to rescue Sally.’

‘I must have been mad.  Talk about ungrateful.’

‘For someone who writes about people, Tadhg, you have very little insight into them.’

‘What’s that meant to mean?’

Annabelle doesn’t answer.

‘Anna?’

‘You’re a big boy, you work it out.’

Now Annabelle is wrecking my head.  What is it with women that they can wreck guys’ heads so easily? 
Do they get special training when they’re kids?  Some secret course for young girls on how to mess with male minds? 

‘You’re not going to sulk now, are you?
  Go into one of your black moods.’

‘Leave me alone, Anna.  I’m tired.’

She puts on the indicator and drifts out into the outside lane.  We’re going to turn left onto Turner Street at the next set of traffic lights and head towards the woods out by Cootehall, a small village five miles outside of Carrick.

‘For a grown man, you have really thin skin, do you know that?  I know five year olds who
are more robust.’

I don’t answer, watching the landscape pass by in a blur.
  I love Anna to bits, but she’s so driven and intense that she can be abrasive and overbearing at times. 

‘Great.  You
are
sulking.  That’s just fantastic!’

A
black Taurus glides slowly by in the inside lane.  I find myself staring into the side of Kate’s head.  Juan seated alongside her.

Oh fuck.

I yank the cap down to hide my face.

Bad move!

I whip the cap off, turning towards Annabelle and slipping down in the seat.

‘Now what?’ she snaps.

‘Kate!’

‘Pscyho-Bitch?
  Where?’

‘That car overtaking us
on the inside.’

‘I wonder where the heck she’s
going?’

I take a pe
ek at the Taurus.  It’s in front of us now and there are no signs that they’ve spotted us.  It seems that the storm is not about to break just yet.

‘
God knows,’ I say, ‘but wherever it is, we don’t want to be there.  The last time we saw her she was shooting at us.’

‘Should we follow them?’ Anna asks.

‘No!  There’re probably looking for us.  The last thing we should do is follow them!’

‘Okay, okay, calm down.’

As I push myself back up into the seat another car draws level with the van.  I find myself staring at the profile of Barry White’s younger brother.  Beyond him I can see Denise’s figure, her head obscured by the roof.  They’ve lost the Beetle and are now driving some kind of silver saloon car.

I slide back down
again.

‘Now what?’
Annabelle says irritably.