Still Missing (28 page)

"Are you
sure
, because I feel so--"

"I'm over it, really. Now will you get over it, please?" I bumped her shoulder with mine and made a silly face. She made one back, then we lapsed into silence as we watched a young couple with a stroller pass the end of my driveway.

"I heard your mom has been telling people I was trying to beat you out of the project before you were abducted," she said after a while.

"Yeah, she said your assistant told a friend of hers or something that you were my competition all along, but I know it was probably just another of her lies."

"Actually, she got part of it right. They did ask me to put together a proposal for them and we met a couple of times. I knew they were talking to someone from another company, but I didn't know you were also going out for it until you mentioned it one day. I pulled out of the running right away and they didn't contact me again until after you were missing."

"You pulled out? Why?"

"There's business, and then there's good business. Your friendship was more important to me."

"I wish you'd told me, I'd have dropped out myself and let you go for it. You had way more experience and you'd waited longer for a deal like that."

Christina said, "That's why I didn't tell you--I knew we'd end up fighting over who was going to give it up!"

We broke out laughing, but then Christina grew quiet again as she surveyed my yard.

"This is such a great place." Shit, I knew where this was going.

"Yes, it is, and I'm sure someone's really going to love it."

"But
you
love it, Annie, and it just seems such a shame--"

"Christina, drop it."

She was quiet for a moment, her body stiff beside me. Then she shook her head.

"No. Not this time. I've respected your wishes these last couple of months, sat by in silence while you struggled with all of this on your own, but I'm not going to let you run away, Annie."

"Run away? Who the fuck said anything about running away? I'm finally getting my shit together, Christina. I thought you'd be happy."

"Selling the house you love? Going to an art school in the Rockies when one of the top schools is an hour from here? That's not getting your shit together. You said it yourself, you're just leaving it all behind."

"I've wanted to go to this school since I was a kid, and this house is a reminder of everything in my life, including my mom."

"Exactly, Annie. You've wanted to run away from your mom since you were a kid. Do you think that's going to make the pain go away? You can't just erase everything that's happened to you like that."

"Are you fucking kidding me? You think I'm trying to forget what happened to me?"

"Yeah, I think you are, but you can't. You think about it every day, don't you? And it kills me that you don't trust me enough to tell me about it. That you don't think I can handle it."

"This isn't about
you
, this is about me.
I
can't handle it. I can barely talk about it with my shrink. And to say it
out loud
to someone who knows me, to say what he did, what
I
did...to see in your eyes..."

"Are you ashamed? Is that it? This wasn't your fault, Annie."

"It is, don't you see? No, you wouldn't, you couldn't. Because you'd never let this happen to you."

"
That's
what you think? Jesus, Annie, you survived a year with a madman, you had to
kill
him to escape, and I can't even leave my marriage."

"Your marriage? What's wrong with your marriage?"

"Drew and I...it's not good. We're talking divorce."

"Oh, shit, you never said..."

"You wanted it light, remember? Not much light about a marriage falling apart." She shrugged. "We'd been having problems before you were taken, but in the last year it's gotten worse."

"Because of me?"

"Partly. I was just so consumed with trying to find you, but even before that...You know this business doesn't leave time for much else. I thought the new place might help, but..." She shrugged her shoulders again.

They'd bought a house a month before I was taken, and all she talked about was the new furniture they were shopping for together. I assumed they were doing great.

"So much has changed, Annie. After you disappeared I had nightmares every night for almost a month. I can't do any open houses. Last week a strange guy called to see a vacant home, and I referred him to a male Realtor.

"For a whole year everything was about trying to find you, then finally Drew talks me into taking that cruise and I wasn't here for you when you were in the hospital. Now that you're home, I still don't have you back--I miss you. And I can't avoid dealing with my marriage anymore. Drew wants to go to counseling, and I don't know what the
fuck
I want to do...."

She started crying. I stared at the grass and blinked back my own tears.

"This
thing
, this
terrible
thing, didn't just happen to you. It happened to
everyon
e who cared about you, but it didn't just stop there, it happened to the whole town--even women across the country. Lots of people's lives have been changed, not just yours."

I began counting blades of grass.

"
None
of this is your fault. I just wanted you to know you're not alone, other people are hurting too. That's why I understand why you want to run away, I want to run away myself, but you have to stand and face things. I love you, Annie, like a sister, but ever since I've known you, as much as you've let me in, you've kept me out. And now you're about to make that final cut altogether. You're giving up. Like he did...."

"He who?"

"The guy."

"Holy shit, Christina, please tell me you aren't comparing me to that asshole."

"But it was all too much for him, right? Living among people? So he ran away--"

"I'm not
running away
, I'm moving on and building myself a new life. Don't
ever
compare that to what he did. This conversation is over."

She stared at me.

"In fact, I think you should leave."

"See? There you go, running away. I'm making you
feel
something, and you can't stand it, can't face it, so the only thing you can do is push me away."

I got up, walked into the house, and slammed the door behind me. A couple of minutes later I heard her car leave.

Gary called later that night to tell me they found the loan shark and are building a case against him. He also told me Mom's had a constant round of visitors and is giving interviews to just about anyone who asks.

"No surprise there," I said. "I've got one for you, though." I told him how I was finally going to pursue my dream.

"Good for you, Annie! Sounds like you're on the right track."

Glad he didn't see it Christina's way, I said, "I'm getting there. What about you?"

"Been doing some thinking myself. One of the guys who trained me is starting a consulting company and wants me as a partner. I could live anywhere, travel, give speeches, take time off whenever I need it."

"I thought you liked your job."

"Me too, but after we wrapped up your case, I started wondering.... And then with the divorce...I don't know, just seems like a good time to make some changes."

I laughed. "Yeah, I know exactly what you mean. I still have your coat, you know."

"I know. I'm in no rush. I just bought a new Yukon Denali--"

"Wow, you weren't kidding about making changes. Aren't guys who go through midlife crises supposed to buy sports cars?"

"Hey, once I decide on something, I don't mess around, but what I was getting to, smart-ass, is that I'm thinking about taking it for a road trip one of these weekends. If I make it up your way, or even when you're back here for the trial, I'd like to buy you a coffee or lunch or something?"

"I'm going to have a lot going on with school and all."

"Like I said, I'm in no rush."

"You bringing the peanut butter?"

"You know, I just might." He chuckled.

"Guess I could lay my hands on a couple of spoons."

The next morning I got up early and took a drive out to the school. Man, did it feel good to get away from this town, even if it was just for a couple of days. The Rockies are an amazing sight this time of year, and seeing those huge peaks stretching to the sky almost had me forgetting my fight with Christina. My window was rolled down the whole way so the clean pure scent of warm pine needles could fill my car. Emma was in the back with her head out the window--whenever she wasn't trying to lick my neck. Driving slowly up to the school, then seeing this beautiful Tudor-style building in front of me with the Rockies in the background, made me feel giddy. Things would be different there.

After I parked my car, Emma and I walked around the campus. As I strolled by a couple of girls sitting on the lawn sketching, one glanced up and we smiled at each other. I'd forgotten how nice it was to get a smile from a stranger. But then her glance turned to a stare and I knew she recognized me. I turned away just as she nudged her friend beside her. I put Emma back in the car and looked for the registration office.

I'm too late to apply for the September semester, so I filled out the application for January. I didn't have a portfolio with me but I'd thought to bring my sketch pad and I showed it to the guidance counselor. He said I shouldn't have a problem getting in and suggested which pieces to submit. I was disappointed I have to wait, but the counselor guy said I could take some evening classes on campus to prep myself.

On the way home I mentally made plans for the upcoming move, but as I neared Clayton Falls Christina's words,
You're running away
, haunted me. I still couldn't believe she had the nerve to say that. What the hell did she know? And telling me I wasn't alone? Of course I was alone. My daughter was dead, my dad was dead, my sister was dead, and my mother might as well be. Who the hell was Christina to judge me for anything I did?

You're running away.

Hours later I parked in Christina's driveway, stormed up to her door, and rapped hard.

"Annie!"

"Is Drew here?"

"No, he's staying at a friend's. What's going on?"

"Look, I appreciate you're going through a rough time, Christina, but that doesn't give you the bloody right to control my life. It's my life,
mine.
Not yours."

"Okay, Annie, I just--"

"Why can't you
just
leave me alone? You don't have a clue what I went through."

"No, I don't. Because you won't tell me."

"How could you say those things to me? My mother had me
abducted
, Christina."

"Yes, she did."

"She lied to me."

"She lied to everyone."

"She left me up there. Alone."

"Completely alone."

"My mother did it to me."

"Your
mother
, Annie."

"And now she's going to jail. I have no one left. No one."

"You have me."

And then I finally broke.

Christina didn't hold me while I cried. She sat beside me on the floor, shoulder to shoulder, as I sobbed out grievances against my mother. Every unjust action that had been committed on me by her since I was a child, every broken dream and unfulfilled wish. And after I got one out, Christina would nod and say,
Yes, she did that to you. And it was wrong. You were wronged.

Eventually my sobs turned to the occasional sniffle, and an odd kind of calm settled over me.

Christina said, "Why don't you get Emma out of the car and I'll make us some tea."

We changed into pajamas--Christina lent me a pair of hers. "Silk," she said with a smile, earning an "Of course" and a shaky smile back. Then, with a full pot of tea in front of us, we sat at the kitchen table. I took a deep breath.

"My baby? Her name was Hope."

Wow, do I ever owe a lot of people a debt of gratitude for their help with this novel! It's impossible for me to list them in order of importance as all of these wonderful people were essential to my journey, so I'm just going to start at the beginning--where all good stories start.

My aunt, Dorothy Hartshorne, because she read every draft, argued psychology with me, and always encouraged me to keep going. She also promises not to sell my first draft on eBay! My beta readers, Lori Hall, Tracy Taylor, Beth Helms, and Clare Henderson, who all took time out of their busy lives to read my book and share their thoughts. My amazing mentor, Renni Browne, for her astute insights and unwavering belief in this book. Peter Gelfan and Shannon Roberts also provided valuable feedback that helped me take
Still Missing
to the next level.

For sharing their professional knowledge, I'm grateful to Constable B. D. McPhail, Constable H. Carlson, Staff Sergeant J. D. MacNeill, Constable J. Moffat, Dr. E. Weisenberger, Peter Gallacher, and Stephanie Witzaney. Any mistakes and embellishments are entirely my fault--I tend to get a little carried away while in the artistic throes!

Many thanks go out to my fantastic agent, Mel Berger, for answering all my questions with great patience and wisdom--and boy, do I have a lot of questions! An enormous thank-you to my wonderful editor, Jen Enderlin, who loved my book enough to take a chance on it, then worked with me to take it over the finish line. My gratitude to the rest of the team at St. Martin's Press who made this a great experience for me: Sally Richardson, George Witte, Matthew Shear, Matthew Baldacci, John Murphy, Dori Weintraub, Ann Day, Lisa Senz, Sarah Goldstein, Sara Goodman, Elizabeth Catalano, Nancy Trypuc, Kim Ludlam, Anne Marie Tallberg, the entire Broadway sales force, and the entire Fifth Avenue sales force. Last but not least, Tom Best, Lisa Mior, and all the great people at H. B. Fenn.

I'm also deeply grateful to Don Taylor and Lisa Gardner for their help in spreading the word.

On a personal front, I'd like to thank all the friends and family who believed in me--even when I was threatening to burn my manuscript. All my love to my husband, Connel, who brings food to my desk, hides the chocolate where I can still find it, and always makes me feel like I'm the luckiest woman in the world.

Finally, although Vancouver Island is a real place, all the towns on the island in the book, including Clayton Falls, are purely fictional.