Stoking the Embers (New Adult Romantic Suspense): The Complete Series (12 page)

“Well, I better go,” I begin, my standard exit line. I ignore the tightening of her mouth before she forces it to relax.

“You don’t have to leave. You can stay and finish breakfast.” She points to the barely touched fritter still sitting on its napkin. Her smile brightens as I nod and sit across from her on the chair. I take a bite of my maple bar, barely tasting it. The awkward post-sex silence is agonizing. She breaks it.

“Can I ask a personal question?”

Oh shit, here it comes. If she says, “Will you marry me,” I’m busting down the door. This is why I choose the hard girls, the ones who don’t expect anything emotional in return. This was a mistake, the look in her eyes is dead proof. I want to smack my dick for getting me in this mess.

Still chewing to buy myself a little time, I finally nod and swallow.

She swallows too. “Why did you hold my hands behind my back?”

I nearly choke. Of all the questions I was expecting, it wasn’t that one. Why? I don’t know why! Because I didn’t have rope?

Vying for cool, I lift a shoulder. “Why do you ask? Didn’t you like it?”

I’m surprised when she presses her lips together and she comes close to crying. Finally, she shakes her head. “It’s not that, not really that. It’s just…”

I wait, wondering what’s behind the hesitation.

“Just that, my ex… well, he was into things like that and… well, it was pretty scary sometimes and…”

“You thought I was him?” I finish for her, my jaw tightening.

“No, not that. I just wondered about it. Don’t get me wrong, the sex was amazing, the best I’ve ever had. It was… mind-blowing. Really.”

Chest thump.

“But…” I don’t really want to hear the ‘but’, but can’t stop myself from asking.

She blows out a breath. “You talked about your sister being a dominatrix the other day.” I nod. “Is that what you like too? Being dominant?”

“You mean like whips and chains and crosses? Shit like that?”

She nods.

“Wait. You’re trying to say something and I’m not hearing it. It’s a man thing, you gotta spell it out.” Although highly uncomfortable, I’m also really curious at where’s she’s going with this. Do I imagine her chained to my bed—fuck yeah. Over my knee for a little spanking? You bet. But, that’s stuff that would come down the road, that we’d incorporate as we got to know each other better. Holy dammit, I’m thinking about ‘down the road’ now. No. No. No.

“Okay,” she interrupts my mental breakdown. “I have to admit, when you held my hands behind my back, I had a tiny panic attack.”

What? I rewind my mental tape of the sex we just had. She was having a panic attack when I thought she was coming? I’m on my feet with that realization. She’s on hers too, hands out, trying to calm me.

“Wait, it’s okay.”

“No, it’s not,” I interject. “I had no idea. I thought you were having fun, I didn’t realize you weren’t, that…”

“I
was
having fun…” She takes a step toward me.

I back away. “Panic attack doesn’t equal fun in my book.” I head toward the door.

“Wait, I’m not finished…”

She might not be, but I am.

I’m done. Without a backwards glance, I’m out the door.

Chapter 12—Stephanie

“It’s going to be okay,” Beth soothes and makes me a cup of tea. I’d been crying all day and all night, since the moment Ken slammed out my door. I’d held it together during work this morning and during classes this afternoon. But back in my apartment this evening, I couldn’t stop the tears no matter how hard I tried. In desperation, I’d called Beth, bribing her with pizza to come over.

A siren wails past my apartment building. Will I forever think of Ken when I hear that sound? Fresh tears build up and fall even as I chastise myself. I’d barely known him, how could the loss of him hurt so much? I’m a realist by nature, I had to be growing up. I didn’t expect frogs and I didn’t expect princes. What did I expect then? I’d never asked myself that question.

“I don’t know, you didn’t see his face. He looked mortified, absolutely disgusted beyond belief when I told him I’d nearly had a panic attack.” I shake my head for the thousandth time today. “It was stupid, really. I shouldn’t have said anything, he probably thinks I’m some mentally unstable freak.”

“Stephanie, I’ve never known you to do anything stupid, aside from staying with jerk-face for too long. And even then, I get it. I get why you stayed, the comfort zone, the hope for change, the dreams of better cloud people’s judgment and get in the way.”

I smile for the first time today. “You really should be a shrink instead of a nurse. Can you write me a prescription for something that will erase my memory? Please?”

“No way. You gotta keep those memories or the same ole shit will just happen again. This way, you heal, you learn and protect yourself in the future.”

I extend my hands and fake-bow to her. “Thank you, oh wise Yoda.”

“Yoda says eat!” she says, thrusting a plate with pizza at me. I nibble at the crust and then put it down, even the normally heavenly smell makes me feel nauseous.

“Okay, if you’re not going to eat, start at the beginning. Well, not the beginning-beginning. As much as I’d love to hear the details, I know you don’t kiss and tell.”

Ignoring her pleading look to kiss and tell anyway, I sort back through the chain of events. “He brought coffee and donuts and we ate, then he kissed me. Well, he actually licked some icing off my face, then we kissed. I told him that he scared me and we talked about that a little. About my growing up, Dad’s accident. Why I wanted to be a nurse.”

I set my tea down and push my hair back from my face in a makeshift ponytail. “Then, I told him I wanted to have sex with him.”

Beth’s mouth pops open and I smother a giggle. “I know, I couldn’t believe I was brave enough to ask either.”

She twirls a finger, wanting me to speed the story up. I roll my eyes.

“He gave me a massage, we screwed and then I screwed up. I told him that when he held my hands behind my back, I nearly had a panic attack. He freaked out for some reason and left.”

“Wait, wait, wait... he gave you a massage?”

I stare at her and she shakes her head. “Right. Focus. What I meant to ask is, what exactly did he say just before he left?”

I scan my memory for the exact words, but they won’t come. Instead, I see the hurt and disgust, the flash of pain. Then I remember.

“He told me once about growing up and how his older sister was a wild child and always getting into trouble. She ended up coming out here and becoming a dominatrix. He moved here to keep an eye on her.”

Beth’s eyes grow big. “Dominatrix as in, ‘do what I say, slave’ or whack, whack, whack?”

I giggle, I can’t help it. “Yes, the whack whack kind.”

“I need a job like that!”

“You’d be a natural.” She narrows her eyes at me. “Anyway, because he’d been rough and then because he held my hands behind my back, it made me wonder if he wanted to be a dominatrix too.”

Beth snorts. “Dominatrix’s are girls, silly.”

“Whatever, you know what I mean. So I asked him and he said no. Then I told him I almost panicked. He stormed out. That’s really pretty much it.”

Beth chewed a big mouthful of pizza, her eyes piercing a spot on the wall behind me, the far off look on her face when she’s thinking hard. I stay silent, letting her process. Finally, she asks, “What would you have said to him if he hadn’t walked out?”

I feel the heat rise up my chest, to my neck and into my face. With only a moment’s hesitation, I tell her, “I was planning to ask him to do those things again... so… well, so I could get used to rough sex and kinky stuff with someone who’s actually sane. You know, create new memories.”

Beth’s face begins with surprise before morphing into a full face grin. “Well then, I’m sure he’ll be thrilled to know it was one big, fat misunderstanding.”

“Except for the little tiny detail of him hating me, yeah, he’ll be thrilled,” I interject grumpily.

“Details, details. Those can be worked out. It’s clear he has some things in his own past that reared their ugly head too.”

I hadn’t thought about that. “Yeah, probably. Aren’t we all screwed up somehow? Every time I’ve been around him, there’s been some type of drama, and that worries me too. Jerome showing up, me crying in a corner, having a panic attack. He must think I’m crazy, or a crazy magnet.”

“Speaking of crazy, have you seen or heard from J-hole recently?” My mouth twists at her nickname for Jerome. Well, it isn’t the only nickname, Beth has a pretty long list for him.

“No, thank goodness I’ve not. I can’t believe it. Hopefully, his new job is keeping him busy and maybe he’s already found a new girlfriend.”

Beth wrinkles her nose.

“Enough about me,” I say, wanting to change the subject away from my ex. “What’s going on with you? Did you find out anything more about your grade?”

Bad idea for a subject change, because Beth’s face falls in disappointment. “I also failed my preliminary licensing exam. I know it was just a practice test, but I thought I’d do better than that.”

Crap. I take that test tomorrow. If Beth the brilliant one flunked it, I was suddenly worried about me.

Before I could panic, Beth goes on, leaning forward, her elbows on her knees. “There’s something else I just found out about. I got a letter from the DMV saying I would lose my driver’s license if I didn’t pay the fine I’d accumulated.”

I gasp. “What fine?”

“That’s the thing. I’ve had one speeding ticket and one parking ticket since I got my license and I paid both of them well before the deadline. I still have the receipts even. But, when I called to find out what fines they were talking about… they said I had a ticket for parking in a fire lane, and that, with late fees, it now cost seven-hundred and fifty dollars.”

I gasp again. How was that possible? “You don’t remember getting a ticket?”

“No! I don’t. I don’t remember parking in a fire lane either. I don’t do shit like that.”

“What are you going to do?”

She hung her head. “I’m not sure yet. I’m desperate not to tell Daddy, he’ll kill me. But I don’t have that kind of cash. I use my credit card for everything and can’t use it for this or Dad will find out. He goes through all my bills. I’m screwed.”

“I wish I had the money to give you.”

“Thank you, Steph. Really. I’m planning to go to the DMV tomorrow and get a copy of the ticket and then cross-reference my calendar to see if I could have possibly been anywhere close to that location at that date and time. They said the violation happened last February, the week of the tenth. I’m almost positive I was at my aunt’s funeral with my parents that weekend. If I can prove I was in California, maybe they’ll dismiss it.”

“Okay, that’s really smart and a good game plan. Now aren’t you glad I convinced you to use Outlook for all your appointments?”

“Yes, you are my anally organized hero.”

Another wail of sirens approaches and fades away. Beth sits back in her chair, curls her legs beneath her and asks, “So, what are you going to do about your sexy fireman?”

My heart is beating out of my chest as I step up to Ken’s apartment door. He’d told me the name of his complex once and we’d both laughed because we’re both in 2B. Now, I stand in front of that number, fear and excitement compete with each other, with fear ahead by a mile. It’s been a long day, with work and school, taking my practice exam and if I had good sense, I’d wait until tomorrow to go see him, just go home and take a bath.

But… good sense seems to have failed me when it comes to Ken. And I also knew I’d spend another restless night in worry. If he turned me away, better to get it over with and done with. More than anything, I need him to know he did nothing wrong. If we never see each other again, I’ll still know I released this burden off my chest.

Knock. Just knock on the damn door. Somehow my hand has forgotten how to complete this simple task. Maybe I should just bang my forehead against it instead. Maybe I’ll get a concussion, go into a coma, have blessed memory loss.

Good grief, I’m being way too dramatic. No wonder Ken went racing out the door.

Before I can talk myself out of it, I knock three quick raps. Nothing but silence greets me. I knock three more times, a little louder. Just as I was turning to go down the stairs, the door pulls open and a dripping Ken stands before me, a towel wrapped around his waist.

“Oh, Steph. Hey.” He tucks the towel tighter and I can’t stop myself from watching his hands tuck the corner into the waist. Mmm, the light sprinkling of hair on his chest, the outline of his six-pack, the yummy v of his hips that point in the perfect direction.

Then it hits me, was he expecting someone else? Freshly showered, not even looking through the peep hole… that must be it. How mortifying.

“Hi, sorry to interrupt your shower. I’ll just go so you can…” I’m already walking away, deeply embarrassed.

“Wait.”

Turning back to him, I let out a shaky breath. “If now isn’t a good time, I completely understand. I should have texted or called first. But I was afraid you didn’t want to see me and…”

“I thought you hated me,” Ken interjects, his eyes narrow with confusion. “I thought I’d hurt you and was… shit… My behavior appalled me. I’m glad you came by. I need to apologize to you.”