Authors: Elissa Wall
Lamont did his best to keep his complaints to himself. Life on the outside had saved his mother, and he began to see a side of her he’d never encountered before. She went out in the evenings with her sisters. She smiled and laughed and even met a man whom she felt deeply in love with. Daleen lit up when he was around, and over the next few months Lamont and his siblings came to know and like him, too. But the romance ended abruptly when Daleen became pregnant with his child.
Then one day in late 1992, less than six months after he and his siblings had left the FLDS, Lamont’s aunt returned home to the trailer in tears. His mother had suffered a rupture in her uterus and, in pain, collapsed to the ground, striking her head extremely hard on the tile floor. She was bleeding internally and sustained some brain damage as a result of her fall. By the time the ambulance arrived she was in a coma, and there was no indication of whether she would ever come out of it.
With Daleen incapacitated, Grant quickly tried to repossess his children. To avoid him, Lamont’s aunts would load Lamont and his siblings into a car and drive them furiously around St. George. His mother’s relatives would lecture him and his siblings about how evil their father was. Lamont had always loved and respected his father, and these stories made him confused and unsure what to believe. The resentment that he’d felt toward his mother for taking them out of Short Creek began to fade, and for the first time he started to have a more balanced sense of what had really gone on at their home.
Every second that he could, Lamont, was holding vigil by his mom’s bedside, but by late December she’d been moved to a long-term-care facility. It was ten in the morning on December 30, 1992, when Lamont received the devastating news that his mother had passed away.
As if losing her wasn’t hard enough, that night his grandfather came to him and directed that he and his siblings not attend a funeral service in St. George that her family was planning. “They are apostates,” George told his grandson.
Already, the priesthood leaders had denied his mother the right to a proper funeral service in the FLDS Church. All they would allow was a graveside, closed-casket ceremony. In their eyes she was a wicked woman who died because she’d left the priesthood. To further inflame Lamont’s already conflicted feelings, he was told that the prophet, Rulon Jeffs, had held a prayer circle with Lamont’s father and grandfather to pray that God intervene on Grant’s behalf. They’d put a photo of Lamont’s mother at the center of their circle and “placed her in the hands of God.” As Lamont understood it, they’d asked for God to take her life so that Grant could get his children back.
The fact that this group of men would wish harm upon her for making the choice she felt was right for her family presented huge doubts in Lamont’s mind that something was wrong with his father and the church. Leaving Short Creek had been challenging for Lamont, but he had never wished for his return to happen like this. In the coming years, Lamont said he’d discovered a respect and admiration for his mother’s strength. He celebrated her ability to do what was right in her eyes and not blindly follow one man’s word. Her death only reinforced the importance of the role that she had played in his life, magnifying her legacy even then to the point where Lamont abhorred his father’s views and the church that had created them.
It was with these thoughts in mind that Lamont and two of his brothers snuck out of the community and attended his mother’s funeral in St. George. When his father arrived in town later in the day to take the boys home, Lamont refused to get into the car. Buoyed by his many aunts and uncles, Lamont grew indignant as his father fought with him to get in.
“This is your choice,” Grant Barlow told his son before driving off that day.
It was a choice that Lamont soon regretted. While his many aunts and uncles had wanted him and his siblings to remain with their mother, none were prepared to take on the guardianship of a rebellious, angry, and grieving fifteen-year-old. In the end, he went to Salt Lake City, where he lived with one of his mother’s sisters who, ironically, was still a member of the FLDS.
For the next two years he struggled in Salt Lake, attending Alta Academy under Warren’s watchful eye. Lamont had a terrible time adjusting and being accepted by his aunt’s family. He felt extremely misunderstood and because of all the confusion he’d been experiencing, he often found himself on the receiving end of harsh punishments. He was a teenage boy who’d lost his mother and his community, and much like my own brothers, he didn’t have anyone to understand him or to confide in. Lost and searching to find his way, Lamont finally broke down and telephoned his dad in 1995 to ask if he could return home.
It felt so good to be back in Short Creek, but soon he was battling a host of issues stemming from the fact that he had been unable to mourn his mother’s loss properly. He fell in with a rough crowd and got into trouble. Methamphetamines were being smuggled into the FLDS community with some regularity and Lamont began using. It was not long before his reckless behavior landed him kicked out of his father’s house, and later in the hospital. An overdose of pills and complications of his lymphedema nearly claimed his life.
Under these dire circumstances, Grant came to Lamont’s bedside one afternoon and asked his son to come back home.
“Lamont, why don’t you just come home and be my son?” he said in a humble, soft tone. In the months before his overdose, Lamont had been living in an old converted school bus with a mattress for a bed. His father’s words brought him to tears, and when Lamont left the hospital, he prayed to the Lord to help him be strong and never touch drugs again.
Once back in Short Creek, Lamont became a dedicated member of the church. He attended services often and donated as much time as he could to the various work church projects. He was so happy to be welcomed back into the priesthood and even more excited when his grandfather took a personal interest in him. George Barlow told Lamont how proud he was of his hard work, and he spent a fair amount of time encouraging his grandson to follow the priesthood. As time wore on, though, Lamont started to wonder if he would ever be able to shake off the stigma of his unruly past. Several of his birthdays went by with no mention of a possible marriage for him. In the FLDS, the pressure for men to marry is just as intense as it is for the women. Men are expected to marry quickly after receiving the priesthood, and those that the prophet passes over are usually viewed as tainted. Men who reach the age of twenty-five without a wife are considered a menace to society. The older Lamont got, the less chance there was that he would have a bride.
Just as Warren kept close watch on the girls as they got older, so he did with the boys. He had long known that Lamont was a potential source of contention, given his mother’s escape and death. In addition, Warren would have boys in the FLDS write letters of “confession” in which they were forced to disclose some of their most personal secrets in order to repent. Using these letters and other information, Warren branded troublesome boys from an early age, just as he did difficult girls. The only difference was the solution. Problem girls were married as soon as possible. Problem boys didn’t get married at all.
There were a host of reasons why Rulon and Warren would pass a man over for marriage, but in Lamont’s case the reason seemed obvious: he had strayed too far, too young. His open conflict with the religion and his strong feelings for his apostate mother were not to be trusted. It didn’t matter that his refreshed vigor for the church was genuine. All that mattered was whether the prophet could trust him.
Because of Lamont’s renewed faith, he desperately wanted a family so that he could teach the invigorating power of the priesthood, but as for all members of the FLDS, his fate was not his own. Lamont expressed his concern to his grandfather. Already, three of his four sisters had been married, and he was the oldest child of the family. His grandfather assured him that his time would soon arrive. When his twenty-third birthday came and went, his worry increased. Later that year, he was passed over for marriage again. This time, Warren selected his younger brother Steve to receive a wife. The union was performed in secret, but Steve quietly took Lamont aside to inform him of it, knowing that he would be hurt if he found out some other way. Each time he and his brothers had gone to see Uncle Warren, the messages he’d imparted to the boys were different. While he’d tell Lamont’s younger brothers that they “needed to prepare for marriage,” to Lamont he’d say, “You need to learn to love the truth.”
It was a riddle, and Lamont couldn’t decipher it. He persevered with the support of his grandfather, but all that ended in late 2002 when Lamont’s next youngest brother, Mike, was assigned a wife. While he was happy for his brother, it was at this moment that Lamont realized that he had no future with the FLDS. His only remaining unmarried brother was handicapped, which meant that he had been passed over by the prophet for marriage intentionally. With Warren as the prophet, he would never be assigned a wife. To compound his confusion and frustration, Lamont had started a concrete company with two of his cousins, and was beginning to plant its footprint when disaster struck. After the expulsion of Lamont’s uncle Jethro he’d agreed to help him move his things from the community. But word got around that Lamont was fraternizing with apostates and his partners turned on him, thus pushing him out and dissolving the company, leaving Lamont financially destroyed. It seemed that in an instant, the priesthood had again taken everything from him. His company was destitute and he’d been again passed over for a wife. Even though his mind and heart were still true to the religion, he’d lost all hope.
The following morning he paid his grandfather a visit and in a tearful exchange explained why he was leaving the church. George Barlow did his best to try to persuade him to stay and even followed Lamont to Salt Lake City to convince him to come home. In Salt Lake, Lamont was living with some other friends who had just left the church, but in less than two months, he was out of money and sleeping in his truck. Word of his failed business precluded him from finding work, as potential employers in the Salt Lake Valley who’d once been affiliated with the FLDS were swayed by the rumors that Lamont was to blame for his business’ failure and declined to hire him. While his efforts to get on his feet had been valiant, he’d repeatedly been turned down wherever he went. He hadn’t eaten in days and his cell phone was about to be shut off. That’s when his grandfather came to him with an offer of redemption. Grandfather Barlow told him that there was still a chance for him to come back and make a life for himself in Colorado City. All he had to do was follow the will of the prophet, and the will of the prophet was for him to sign a paper in order to prove his faithfulness to the church.
Apparently, the wife of a prominent FLDS member had fled the community with her children and had sought refuge with Lamont’s aunt in Salt Lake City. During his time in Salt Lake, he had seen the woman over at his aunt’s house, and now his grandfather wanted him to sign a court affidavit listing a number of accusations to help the woman’s husband, a leading church elder, fight to obtain custody of their children. In return, Lamont would have the opportunity for a life in the FLDS and be reunited with his family. Since it was the prophet making this request, chances were excellent that if he complied, Lamont would gain Warren’s good favor and be allowed to come back to Colorado City and perhaps have a chance at the future he’d been working so hard toward.
Destitute and longing for his family and friends, Lamont agreed. Short Creek was the only place where he’d ever felt useful, and the idea of returning home filled him with joy. Five hundred dollars in cash was suddenly placed in his hand.
“Warren said you’re going to need this,” his grandfather told him.
It was the prophet’s wish that Lamont check in to a hotel in St. George where he was to remain for one week. He was to use the money for the room and board and stay inside, have no contact with anyone except his grandfather, and write a letter of confession to the prophet. Determined to prove his worthiness, Lamont didn’t even turn on the television set for the entire week. But at the end of those seven days there was still no word from Warren.
His grandfather came to see him every day and offered him support.
Lamont took strength in his grandfather’s encouraging words, but he was worried. He had run out of money and the hotel was asking him to leave. Grandfather Barlow instructed him to return to his father’s house and contact Uncle Warren’s as soon as he could.
It took several tries before Lamont finally reached the prophet.
“How are you, Lamont?” Warren asked. “I got your letter of confession.” Lamont held his breath, hoping the prophet approved of what he’d written. “Did you sign the document?” Warren asked, referring to the court affidavit.
“Yes, I have,” Lamont answered politely.
For a moment, there was dead silence on the other end of the line. “Well, you can move back into your father’s house,” Warren instructed.
“Oh, I’m already at Father’s,” Lamont said.
“You are?” Warren asked, sounding surprised.
“Yes, Grandfather instructed me to move in.”
“I see,” Warren said, pausing again before delivering the decision that would seal Lamont’s fate. “Well, you’ve lost your priesthood. You will need to be rebaptized. Keep the spirit of God.”
Lamont’s heart sank as he heard the click on the other end of the line. The conversation had lasted less than thirty seconds. He’d done everything the prophet had asked. He’d stayed at the hotel. He’d written the letter of confession. He’d even signed that horrible paper to help Warren bring back the woman who’d escaped with her kids. The guilt from that was overwhelming, and still he was being punished.
When Lamont had first looked at the legal document, he’d felt torn. On the one hand, he was defeated and he’d lost his business and his family, and he just wanted to go home to a place that was familiar. On the other hand, he knew that by signing the paper he would be making enemies with the only family that he had outside the FLDS Church, not to mention that he would let down this young woman who was trying to protect her children. I sensed there were issues that Lamont had with his family in Salt Lake, and while he didn’t want to burden me with them, I could tell that he’d been deeply hurt.