Stop Running from Love: Three Steps to Overcoming Emotional Distancing and Fear of Intimacy (5 page)

The distracted distancer neglects the couple’s need for closeness and intimacy, engaging full tilt in a wide variety of other activities. Distracted distancers put up an invisible smoke screen of activities between themselves and their partners, performing very subtle avoidance maneuvers in their preoccupation with children, work, family, friends, community service, faith-based activities, self-improvement… the list can go on and on. Distracted distancers can find time for everyone and everything, except for their partners. Note: In this distancing category, women are in the majority.

The “Superpartner” Distancer

Typically, distracted distancers are relationally missing even when they are publicly committed to their relationships. Instead of the tango dancing of defended distancers like Ben or Diane, or the firewalls put up by Colin, or the sexual distancing illustrated by Yvonne, the distracted distancer appears to be a dependable, thoughtful, and loving partner. This distancer wears the disguise of Superwoman or Superman, remembering to stop at the grocery store, taking the car in for regular tune-ups, and providing numerous important services that often benefit the partner.

So why does the partner complain? How much more wonderful could this superprovider be?

Sally’s Story

Sally sees me periodically for “tune-up” sessions, even though these days, she is enjoying a closer relationship with her husband Howard. Sally used to employ the typical distracted distancer’s style of using constant noncouple-centered activities to keep up her protective armor.

Sally was in her late forties when she first began working with me. She’d called me on the advice of a close friend who had suggested that if Sally didn’t get some help, she was going to lose Howard. Sally’s friend, a colleague of mine, thought I might be able to help.

When she first visited my office she said, “I’m so grateful that you could see me.” She was beautifully dressed in flowing silks, scarves, and an accumulation of jewelry worthy of an African queen. She apologized for being late, and then for no apparent reason apologized for putting her coffee cup on the side table beside her. I would learn that Sally apologized more often than she did almost anything else.

People always wanted more from her than she could give, she told me. “My friend Alicia, the woman who told me to call you, is like everyone else in my life. She gets really angry when I can’t return her calls. I just get so overwhelmed and then I just have to take a break. My friends all get mad at me once in awhile.” She looked at me, smiled sheepishly, and said, “And then there’s my husband… that’s a really big problem.”

Sally distanced herself emotionally in her efforts to restore her depleted energy. She retreated to someplace deep within herself. At times, she even distanced from her friends; not returning calls, ignoring e-mails, and failing to show up for appointments with her closest friends. The person she neglected most of all was Howard, although she couldn’t admit this directly to him.

I reassured Sally that she was not alone, that other people also use indirect tactics to keep them from having to face problems in their relationships.

“I got married twice,” Sally continued, “too young and gullible to know what I was getting myself into. I left my first husband when I realized I was being Mom; only I was his mother. Then I tried again. I was looking for someone who was super-responsible. I married Howard because he was a nice guy and he seemed like he could come through. And, you know, he could.” Sally laughed ruefully. She glanced at me before looking away again, something I would come to recognize as one way that she kept me at an emotional distance.

“I’m not proud of this next part,” she said, her tone painfully apologetic, “but I’ve never given Howard the love and affection he deserves. We got married when I was thirty. I was tired of taking care of my two kids and useless Husband Number One. So I just kind of ignored the fact that Howard might expect my love and care too. We were okay for a year or so, and then I panicked. He has chronic back trouble, and then he was told he had diabetes. I was so afraid I’d be stuck taking care of him.”

Sally was the quintessential distracted distancer; she was unable to stop herself from pulling away when she felt overwhelmed by other people’s needs; yet at the same time, she stayed very busy and productive so that she was well-defended from criticism. The distracted distancer may alternate between blaming herself about the way she shuts herself away from loved ones, and then complaining tearfully about how often she becomes overwhelmed by the demands of her partner, her friends, or her family. Instead of being able to set consistent limits, time and again the distracted distancer feels that she is under siege.

When this happened to Sally, sometimes she disappeared emotionally and even physically. Her appointments with me would be abruptly cancelled or missed, which gave me a taste of the impatience the others in her life must sometimes feel. Yet it was hard to be annoyed with her because she always seemed to be called away to help someone in need—one of her kids, a friend, a colleague at work.

Rick’s Story

Rick is the poster boy for the distracted distancer, even though, at first glance, he would seem anything but distracted. (Rick is the superprotector father, husband, and worker you met earlier in the chapter.) Rick tried to take control of everything and everyone in his efforts to be a superprovider. After a while, this military style of marriage stopped working for his wife Carla, even though she had been grateful for many years for his strength, commitment, and devotion.

By controlling everything and everyone around him, Rick had closed himself off from being open to love. It took a while, but Carla finally realized that despite her husband’s heartfelt efforts to be a good provider, she was lonely.

Distracted distancers may avoid intimacy by becoming workaholics, others by following creative pursuits, and still others by giving all they’ve got emotionally to their children while virtually ignoring the emotional needs of their partner. If we could watch these distancers in cartoon form, their time together as a couple would look like someone picking up a meal at the drive-up window of a fast-food restaurant.

Gender differences show up most prominently in this distancing style. Women are more likely to distance by being Supermom, while men typically distance themselves in their dedication to work or recreational pursuits. Women are also more likely to distance by becoming “crisis junkies”: any crisis, whether their own or someone else’s, will occupy them so that there is no time left for their partner. Both men and women may distance through excessive involvement in spiritual pursuits, just as both genders may neglect the couple relationship because they are so involved with an addiction. It could be an addiction to chemicals, food, gambling, online chat rooms, shopping, or even TV.

The distracted distancer is the most difficult to recognize, especially if the distancing activity is considered virtuous; that is, focusing on children, work, creative pursuits, or religious activities. Yet this distancer is in just as much trouble as the other two types. The distracted distancer may end up losing love completely. The once-patient partner eventually seeks divorce, an affair, or simply becomes relationally unavailable too, equally disengaged from the couple’s well-being.

Exercise

Are You a Distracted Distancer?

Here is another diagnostic exercise to help you compare your behavior to this style of distancing. Use the same scale as in the previous exercises to score your answers:

1 = This doesn’t describe me at all.

2 = This describes my behavior a little bit.

3 = This describes my behavior in some ways.

4 = This describes quite a lot of my behavior.

5 = This is definitely me.

Total score:
___________

A score of 45 to 50
means you are probably more like the distracted distancers you just read about than you want to acknowledge.

If your score is between 35 and 45,
do some thinking about what this means for you. Are you willing to consider that you may have to make some big changes in your time priorities if you want a more deeply connected partner relationship? What are you willing to consider changing? What do you feel okay about? What upsets you the most?

You may find it helpful to read about couples where both people distance in their own way. The following four couples each represent different challenges and issues:

Meet Luisa and Diego, a couple with a twist. They have reversed the traditional roles in which the man is viewed as the emotional distancer. Nevertheless, it doesn’t seem to matter who is the emotional distancer; attempts at open communication do not go well for this couple.

Diego and Luisa’s Story

Luisa and Diego married when they were young graduate students. Diego got his degree as a clinical social worker while Luisa was getting her MBA. They defy gender stereotypes, both in their careers (he’s the one who takes care of people, while she manages numbers) and in how they express their emotions. Diego wants more emotional openness; he wants to share joys and sorrows, to cry companionably when they watch a sad movie.

Luisa is very uncomfortable with Diego’s emotional openness and vulnerability. She grew up in a traditional family where the men were supposed to be strong and reassuring, to take care of their women, and to never show vulnerability. She sees Diego’s openhearted style as a form of weakness. Luisa confided in couples counseling that Diego’s preoccupation with emotional sharing is a sexual turnoff for her. He just doesn’t seem manly enough.

When Diego had his turn, he told the therapist that Luisa disappoints him. He hinted that he is almost ready to go outside of the marriage to meet his emotional needs. He admitted that he has been spending a lot of time with a female colleague at work who is going through a divorce and who “understands the importance of emotional sharing.”

This was a situation where the therapist was not alert to the deep issues of distancing. She followed the primary rule of couples counseling—more direct communication—and told Diego and Luisa to be more open and honest with each other during the therapy sessions. After several very painful meetings, Luisa walked out of the therapy. She accused Diego and the therapist of ganging up on her. “You want me to be just like the two of you,” she said angrily, “just putting my private feelings out there for everyone to see. I’m not like that, and I can’t change. And you’re just a weakling, Diego.”

Diego ended up having an affair with his coworker, and Luisa divorced him. This couple had a complicated history that could not be solved simply by trying to communicate better.

Exercise

Learning About Yourself Through Identification

You will be the expert here. Notice if you identify with any aspects of Luisa and Diego’s situation. Write some notes, and if possible, talk this over with someone who feels safe to you. Here are the questions:

1. Do you see one person in the couple at fault here? ___________

2. Do you feel critical of Diego for allowing himself to get into an affair with his coworker? ___________

3. Do you see the root of the problem starting with Luisa because she refused to be more open emotionally? ___________

4. Do you identify more with Diego or Luisa? ___________

5. Have you ever been in a situation with someone who wanted you to be more open with your feelings than you wanted to be? ___________

6. If you believe that the therapist didn’t adequately support Luisa, how could she have made it easier for the couple to communicate about their feelings? ___________

___________

Reading Luisa and Diego’s story may help to remind you that not everyone has the same beliefs about sharing emotions. It’s interesting that even though Luisa and Diego share similar cultural roots, they have very different attitudes about emotional openness. Both Luisa and our next couple illustrate that, contrary to popular belief, women are not always comfortable talking about their feelings.

Chris and Beth are also a nontraditional couple. They, like Diego and Luisa, have communication issues. Their problem lies in their difficulties with conflict, which is another thorny issue for many distancers.

Chris and Beth’s Story

The failure of indirect, strategic communication is not only a problem for heterosexual couples. Gay and lesbian partners are also troubled by such communication styles. Chris and Beth were trapped by their communication failures.

“Whenever I try to get Chris to talk about what’s really going on for her,” Beth told me, “she gives me the runaround. Her standard answer is ‘I’m okay, but you obviously have something you need to talk about.’ Or she says ‘I don’t want to talk about it right now,’ but then she never does talk about whatever is bothering her.”

Beth also complained that Chris distracts her from emotionally charged conversations by pointing out something they need to do around the house, or initiating a recreational activity or a shopping expedition. Chris makes sure that whatever they do puts the brakes on sharing anything that might be distressing. Their errands and home improvement marathons leave little time for intimate conversation.