Authors: Unknown
“Wait,” Tyson said.
Moon really hadn't expected that. He turned round, said nothing.
“I knew someone once,” Tyson said, “someone not quite har, but certainly not human.”
Moon remained silent.
“Her name was Lileem,” Tyson continued. “She made me see that I didn't have to be like Cal. For a long time, the strength she gave me changed everything, but she's been gone so long, I think I've forgotten it.”
Moon went to sit on the end of the bed. “What happened to her?”
“It's a long story,” Tyson said. “She's not in the this world any more, but I don't think she's dead either. She's Kamagrian, like your father's sister, Mima.”
“Why are you telling me this?”
“I don't know. I just thought of Lileem. I know what she'd say if she were here now, and yet I knew her so briefly, really. She'd tell me to go for it. Maybe she
is
here.” He put his hands against his face, his elbows resting on his raised knees through the blankets.
“Are you afraid of Terez?” Moon asked. “Of what he might do to you?”
“I'm afraid of his disappointment in me,” Tyson said, through his fingers. “I've won him. I've worked hard for his friendship. I've made him see me as I really am.”
Moon reached out and dragged Tyson's hands from his face. He leaned forward and kissed Tyson briefly on the mouth. “I understand,” he said. “Don't worry about it. There's no need. Maybe what I feel is lust and maybe it's love, but whatever happens, you can't stop me feeling it. I love you enough to let you go. I love you enough to fight aruna's demands. I hope that means something to you.” He stood up. “I'm leaving now. Don't stop me this time.”
Once the door was closed behind him and he stood in the cold, dark corridor Moon expected that he'd want to weep, but he felt strangely detached. He went back to his room and crawled into the bed. In the room on the other side of the wall, Terez and Raven were silent, perhaps curled up asleep in each other's arms.
Clarity is bitter, Moon thought. It tastes like gall.
He felt he had reached the longed-for place of maturity that he and Ember had once talked of. He was no longer a child in any way.
Chapter Eighteen
By the time they reached Galhea, the last of the leaves were falling from the trees, and the horses trod upon a sodden, fading carpet of gold and bronze on every road. Rooks called from the high bare branches and the fields beyond the roads looked wide and empty.
Moon had not really been surprised to discover that Raven was now a changed har. Moon had never heard him sing before, but now Raven's deep honeyed voice carried them into the future. It was the theme music of their journey, and Moon would never forget it. Eventually, he'd look back fondly on that aspect of their travels. Raven and Terez sang continually, and seemed oblivious to any iciness in their companions. It seemed to Moon obscene that Raven should be so released, so happy, for Moon felt quite the opposite. He was brittle and offhand with Raven, even though it was clear Raven felt he should now take on the mantle of hostling, which Silken's death had left lying on the floor long ago to go mouldy: until now, Raven had simply walked across it every day without noticing it. Moon felt uncomfortable with this joyous stranger, because every gesture of affection or concern was coloured by Raven's own happiness. He couldn't really see that Moon was suffering, because in his bright new world there was no room for such things.
Moon did not speak to Tyson again, about any personal matter. In the morning after confronting Tyson, he'd woken from unrefreshing sleep filled with anger. Downstairs in the farmhouse, normality had been restored. Moon and his companions ate breakfast with a rowdy group of hara who told them they'd been celebrating somehar's feybraiha nearly all night at a nearby farm. While Raven and Terez chatted easily with their hosts, Tyson never spoke a word. He didn't even look up from his plate. Moon simmered with rage. He thought Tyson's piety was false. He'd put Terez first. His feelings for Moon could not be that deep. Despite this, it was clear that Tyson was not happy either.
After they'd left the farm to resume their journey, Moon could see the great effort Tyson put into being sociable with the others and he felt vengefully pleased about it. But whatever small gratifications Moon derived from Tyson's discomfort were eclipsed totally by what he had to endure himself. He had discovered aruna's savage side.
The spirit of this thing, which had absolutely no consideration for any living har, was vicious in its desire to be satisfied. It was a black hag gibbering at Moon's back every step of the way. It clawed his body, made him feel sick, gave him headaches. A more experienced har could have told Moon this was because he was young and aruna had only recently become a part of his life, and that part of growing up meant aruna was an itch that needed to be scratched fairly regularly. Denied, it got nasty. Terez or Raven could have told Moon this, but Moon was in such a state, so envious of them, he couldn't go to them for help or advice. If he tried to relieve himself, the demanding spirit of aruna viewed it with contempt.
Think you can get rid of me that easily, fool? Think again.
Some hara might have been able to cope that way, but Moon was not one of them. He wondered whether he had to resign himself to the prospect of going mad. It didn't help that the object of his desire was so close to him physically, yet so distant. Eventually, as the days passed, the need became so great that Moon knew he'd have to find somehar to be with the next time they visited a settlement. Unfortunately, that might not be for a couple of days. Moon was really afraid now that he couldn't last that long. The dark spirit was killing him. He could almost see it at night, a shadowy blue-black phantom at the corner of his vision, waiting with clawed hands to attack him. He could no longer sleep properly and his dreams, when he had them, intensified his frustration.
One night, as he lay awake, he realised he was not himself any more. He had a disease that was eating him away. He was afraid that he'd lose his mind completely and do something terrible, only to come to his senses with blood on his hands. The terror condensed in the small bivouac he occupied. The canvas pressed down on him, smothering his breath. Very soon, the dark spirit would take over, and then Moon would be lost.
Panicking, he fought from his sleeping bag and clawed his way out of the bivouac. He stumbled to where Raven and Terez were sleeping and scratched at the stiff tarry fabric that covered them. “Raven, Raven...” He was nearly in tears.
After some moments, Raven opened the bivouac and, uttering a sound of concern, took Moon in his arms. Moon gratefully collapsed against him, sobbing. “You have to help me. You have to...”
“What's wrong?” Raven murmured, stroking his hair.
Later, Moon wouldn't remember exactly what he said, but he knew that in his desperation it was graphic. Terez had also come out of the bivouac by this time and both he and Raven listened to Moon's hysterical outpourings without comment. Moon was vaguely aware, on the edge of his perception, that Raven was faintly shocked. The expulsion of the words alone was something of a release and once he'd got it all out, Moon lay weeping against Raven's side.
“You should have said something before,” Raven said. He sighed. “This is my fault. I should have noticed. I should have been caring for you, as Snake wanted me to.”
“I knew this would happen,” Terez said darkly. “It's like a curse.”
“Neither of them gave into it,” Raven said in a rather sharp tone. It was clear he and Terez had discussed the matter of Moon and Tyson.
Raven took Moon's head in his hands and made him look at him. “I didn't teach you well, did I? I'm sorry. This is normal, Moon. It's just part of life. You fixed yourself on somehar and it didn't happen. This is the result.” He let go of Moon and said to Terez, “Would you mind...?” He jerked his head in the direction of Moon's camping site.
Terez shook his head. “Of course not.” He began to head to the place where Moon had tried to sleep.
“No,” Raven said. “Go to Ty, Terez. I think you should.”
Terez nodded. He went off into the trees, to the spot where Tyson had pitched his bivouac, some distance from the others.
“Are you OK with this?” Raven asked Moon.
Moon now thought he had made too much of a fuss and felt stupid. He knew that Raven meant to take aruna with him, and part of him was embarrassed by the whole thing, while another part of him was relieved. “Don't let me be ouana,” he said. “I'm afraid of what I'll be. I can feel it like a dark tornado. It's worse than an earthquake.”
“That's Uigenna blood for you,” Raven said. “Keep to your own, Moon. Forget the Gelaming.”
“You are with one.”
“That's different, and you know it. Tyson is a fool.”
“He's only doing what Terez wants him to.”
“I don't know what he's doing,” Raven said dryly, “but I think it's more to do with himself than anyhar else.”
Moon didn't entirely agree with this, and for some reason felt he should spring to Tyson's defence, but said nothing. He knew only one thing: Raven was right about the Uigenna blood. He remembered the story of his parents and it filled him with dread. He was horrified to think he might have followed a similar path. Still, Raven had the power to heal and used it wisely. Once it was over, Moon felt more like himself again and deeply ashamed. “How do we control it?” he asked Raven. “That feeling. It's evil. It's so selfish.”
Raven held him close and said, “You were led on, Moon.”
“No, I wasn't. It's in me. It scares me.”
“Try to forget him,” Raven said. “I know it's easy for me to say, but I'll help you. When we get to Galhea, find some new friends, some nearer your own age.”
“I love him,” Moon said, and it felt like the biggest confession in the world.
Raven made a soft sound and kissed the top of Moon's head. “You're young,” he said. “You'll heal yourself of it. In years to come, when you look back, it won't seem real.”
At least Raven hadn't denied Moon's feelings or tried to tell him they were something else. “You are with the one you loved years ago,” Moon said. “That happened for you.”
“Sometimes the universe is kind,” Raven said. “Sometimes, it forgives. Sometimes, things just aren't meant to be and then the universe will do all that it can to prevent anything happening. Tyson identifies with his hostling too much. He's reliving a history he never had and yet at the same time he's fighting it. You're well out of that, Moon. Take my advice: keep far away. The thing that keeps you apart is your guardian spirit.”