Striker (47 page)

‘You left me, for Jim Allen, Amber. You left me for my boss.’

‘And you need to grow up and get over it, Ryan. Because I can’t be here to hold your hand anymore.’

His eyes locked onto hers again, staring right at her. ‘That’s the thing, though, Amber. I fucking need you to be.’

She looked back at him, not breaking the stare, and when she saw the tears streaming down his face she couldn’t help but feel tears of her own start to fall down her cheeks, that tiredness she’d felt creeping in a few minutes ago now sweeping over her in an unexpected rush of emotion.

‘I need you, Amber. I need you like you wouldn’t fucking believe and it hurts every fucking day to wake up and know that I pushed you away, that I made you leave…’

‘You didn’t make me leave, Ryan. I’ve told you that.’

‘I can’t do this alone, Amber. I’m not strong enough, I’m weak. I’m weak, babe. I’m so fucking weak…’

He bowed his head as his body started wracking with loud, uncontrollable sobs and Amber felt her heart break all over again. She’d never seen anyone so broken, so defeated, and this was messing with her head, big time.

Sitting down next to him she reached out to take his hand, squeezing it tight as he cried, pulling him against her, holding him close. What was she supposed to do? She couldn’t leave him in this state, and she didn’t want to. She didn’t want him to go any further down that road he’d already travelled too far along, so she had no choice. Not really. He needed her. Jim was wrong. Ryan needed her.

‘You stupid, stupid idiot,’ she whispered as he lifted his head up and looked at her, his eyes red with tiredness and tears. He looked like the young man he was, and not the big lad he professed to be. ‘You bloody, stupid idiot.’

‘I can’t do it without you, Amber. I thought I could, y’know? But I… sometimes I felt like Max had just set you up as this babysitter, someone to keep an eye on me and at times I resented that, even though I loved you. It all just did my head in, so bad. I mean, I’d managed alright all those years on my own in
London
…’

‘You didn’t, though,
did
you?’ Amber said, gently stroking the tears from his tired face.

He shook his head. ‘No. I don’t suppose I did. I messed up then, and I’ve messed up now.’

‘No, baby, you didn’t mess up then – but you almost did. And if you don’t stop what you’re doing it’s going to happen all over again, which is why you have to stop resenting Max, because you have no idea how much he cares about you. Yes, I know he’s your agent and a lot of them don’t always have the best reputation, but
he
cares about you. And so do I.’

‘You do?’ His eyes widened, a hopeful look taking over from the tiredness.

‘Jesus, Ryan, of course I do.’ She ran her fingers gently over his bearded chin, her eyes following their every move. ‘I didn’t know what to think when
Gary
called me. A hundred and one things were going round in my head and every single one of them scared me, but…’ She looked away for a second, her head spinning with the turmoil of emotions going on inside her.
 

‘Amber…’

She looked at him, her heart breaking into a million pieces as his fingers wrapped tightly around hers, every fibre of her being telling her to think hard about what she was going to do next. But her mind was already made up. ‘You
ever
scare the hell out of me like that again, Ryan Fisher…’

‘Stay with me tonight, Amber. Please.’

She smiled, running her thumb lightly over his mouth. ‘I’m going to have to now, aren’t I? You’re not safe to be left on your own.’

He smiled, too, and despite the state he was in, it lit up his handsome face, giving Amber so many reasons to never leave his side again. Even though there were just as many telling her not to go back. And she didn’t really know what she was going to do, past whatever happened here tonight. ‘I love you, Amber Sullivan.’

She shook her head, stroking his dark hair. ‘You need to get some sleep, Ryan.’

He looked into her eyes again, which set off another round of confusing emotions battling against each other inside her head, and what happened next she couldn’t stop. She couldn’t. Maybe it was the ridiculous amount of unexpected stress the night had brought, or the fact that coming face-to-face with his demons had scared her more than she’d thought it would, she didn’t know. All she knew was that the feelings she still had for this man were real and they were still there. Despite everything.

She closed her eyes and felt his lips brush ever-so-gently over hers, igniting the tiniest of sparks inside her belly, her heart jumping as his mouth covered hers again, this time in a longer, slower kiss. And it took just seconds for the night to take its toll, for all the raw emotion and unexpected, still-repressed feelings to rise to the surface. It took just seconds for everything else to be forgotten as nothing but being close to him mattered. She should call Jim, but she knew she wouldn’t. She didn’t want to because she didn’t want to break away from Ryan, from what was happening here. She didn’t want to let him go. He’d seemed to have found a strength from somewhere that meant he was stripping the clothes from her body so fast she was breathless, wanting only to feel his skin against hers again, his fingers touching her in all those special places. It didn’t matter what he’d done tonight, who he’d been with, who he’d kissed, who he’d slept with; it didn’t matter. Not right now. She was caught up in a moment that she hadn’t wanted to happen, at first, but it was happening now, and she wanted nothing to get in the way of them finishing this journey. A journey back to them.

She let him push her back onto the sofa as he pulled the last of her clothes away, the cold air hitting her nakedness like a short, sharp shock, making her inhale deep, exhaling only when the warmth of his skin touched hers. Arching her back as his hands ran down over her waist, her hips and thighs, his mouth lowering down to kiss hers again, those confusing emotions showed no signs of subsiding as he pushed her up against him.

‘Ryan…’ she groaned, throwing her arms up above her head as his mouth moved down to her breasts, but all she wanted was to feel him inside her, taking her over once again, making her realise what she’d walked away from. She needed that so badly it was a physical pain, so deep and so real she felt it slice across her like the sharpest of knives.

‘Open your eyes,’ he whispered, his mouth gently resting on hers as he spoke. ‘I want to look at what I’ve thrown away, I want to see the way you look at me when I make love to you… I need to see that, Amber.’

She opened her eyes, staring deep into his as he slowly pushed inside her, only the smallest and quietist of moans escaping as a beautiful feeling of peace and clarity suddenly took over from the madness and the surreal events this night had thrown up. One minute she was making plans for that life with Jim that she’d always thought she’d wanted, and the next she was back in the arms of her handsome footballer. And there was nowhere else she
should
be. She should never have left him, never have let him go through everything alone. The guilt she’d been feeling ever since the day she’d walked out on him should have told her that.

Wrapping her legs around him she felt him push deeper, their eyes still locked together, everything else fading out of focus, ceasing to matter because, at that second, they were the only two people that existed. All she could feel was his body connected to hers in the most intimate and beautiful of ways as a warm and comforting feeling of numbness washed over her. And when that ride finally reached its finale, when that familiar, burning pain took over, filling her up, making her scream out his name as he held her as close as he possibly could, barely a millimetre between their bodies, she felt everything come spilling back in an avalanche of doubt – every ounce of confusion, every reason why this was the worst thing she could have done. It all came hurtling back, taking over her head like a crowd of uninvited gate-crashers, when all she wanted to do was lie there and hold him, kiss him, make everything better. She wanted to make everything better.

‘Stay with me,’ Ryan whispered. ‘Please. Stay with me.’

She wasn’t going anywhere.

*

‘He’s okay, Max. I promise. As far as I’m aware we shouldn’t be worried about anything appearing in the press. I know
Gary
won’t say anything.’

‘You can be sure of that, can you?’

‘None of them were exactly saints last night, Max. All I know is Ryan’s okay, although he’s in no fit state to go anywhere near training today.’

‘Can
you
sort that out? Try and smooth things over with the club?’

‘Yeah,’ Amber sighed, looking out of the French windows in the huge kitchen of the house she’d shared with Ryan for such a short time. The one that had never really felt like home.

‘Only, I know you’re close to Jim Allen. Just make up some excuse, tell them he’s got some kind of contagious bug or something.’

Amber closed her eyes at the mention of Jim’s name. If only Max knew exactly
how
close she was to Jim Allen. And what the repercussions of that might have on this situation now. ‘They might want him to be checked over by the club doctor.’

‘We can’t risk that, Amber. If he’s got any traces left in his blood…’

‘I know,’ she sighed again, resting her forehead against the cold glass, closing her eyes as the events of last night filled her head. Again. Because they were all she’d been able to think about for the past few hours as she’d lain in bed, holding Ryan close, remembering how it could be. And knowing how it really was. ‘I know. I’ll think of something. He should be fine tomorrow.’

‘Are you staying with him?’

‘I’ll try to be around, yeah.’

‘Amber… are you…?’

‘I don’t know, Max, okay? I don’t know. I just want to get through today first.’

‘Alright. Look, thanks. I know he’s not really your problem…’

‘No, Max. He’s very much my problem.’

‘He doesn’t deserve you. I’ll call you later, see how things are going.’

She ended the call and turned around, leaning back against the French windows, her eyes still closed. She was going to have to call Jim at some point today. He’d tried ringing her countless times over the past few hours but she’d ignored every call. What was she supposed to say? That everything they’d talked about last night was nothing but a sham? That she’d meant none of it? That it was all irrelevant anyway because she couldn’t go through with it anymore?

Taking a deep breath she put the phone down on the counter-top and made her way back upstairs. Ryan was up and out of bed, and she couldn’t ignore the small stab of disappointment she felt at his absence. She’d half hoped he’d still be in bed, ready to repeat the closeness they’d felt last night. She really felt like just snuggling up under the covers and shutting the world out for a few more hours. Reality wasn’t high on her list of places to visit today.

Pulling on a pair of denim shorts underneath the Newcastle Red Star football strip she was wearing, she walked over to the bedroom window, looking out over the stunning view of fields and forests, the city looming far in the distance.

‘You haven’t made a run for it yet, then.’

She turned around to see him standing there, already dressed in jeans and a black t-shirt, his dark hair still all messed-up, his face still tired.

‘Where’ve you been?’ she asked, walking over to him, lightly running her fingers over his bearded jaw line.

‘I just went out for a walk. I needed the fresh air. My head’s kinda hurting this morning.’

She smiled, pulling her hands away from his face and folding her arms across her chest, because she wasn’t altogether sure what she should be doing with them.
 

‘So,’ Ryan went on, shoving his hands in his pockets, his eyes staring down at his black army boots. ‘Last night…’

‘I need to call the club. You’re in no state to go to training today.’

‘Amber,’ he said, grabbing her arm before she could walk away. ‘We need to talk, don’t you think?’

She looked up at him, her heart aching as his dark blue eyes met hers. At times he looked like a lost little boy and that only confused her all the more. Who
was
the real Ryan Fisher? She didn’t know, and she wasn’t altogether sure that he did, either.

‘I think we need to make sure things are smoothed over with the club first, Ryan. Before anyone starts asking questions.’

He reached out to grab her arm again, pulling her against him, kissing her so softly and so gently that she had no choice but to hold onto him and let it all happen. The feel of his lips on hers, the roughness of his beard on her skin, it was all just a huge reminder of a man she couldn’t get her head around – but he was a man she loved. She loved him. In a way she couldn’t really explain, and she certainly didn’t love him the way she loved Jim, it felt nothing like that. But it still felt like love. And she had no intention of leaving him while he still needed her. If that’s what he really, truly wanted.

‘When I asked you to stay with me last night I meant it, Amber. I was off my head, I know I was, and I shouldn’t have put people through that…’