Stubborn Love (5 page)

“The ceiling,” she answers
smiling, as she points to it.

I don’t look, I already
know what she’s talking about. “Yeah, they were there when we moved in and I’ve
never taken them down,” I say. “I
kinda
like them.”

“Turn the light off,” Mia
says, turning to face me now.

I have to remind myself to
breathe as I turn away and reach over to switch off the light. The room plunges
into darkness and it takes a few seconds for my eyes to adjust and the ceiling
to light up. But when it does, I hear
Mia’s
whispered,
“Wow,” as she takes in the hundreds of glow in the dark stars that fill my
ceiling.

“I wonder who did this?”
she says, her voice a whisper in the darkness.

I turn to look at her, barely
able to make her out. “I don’t know, maybe it was a kid’s room before me.”

“I’m glad you left them up
there,” she says, still staring up at the ceiling.

I turn back and see what
she is seeing. It’s almost like lying under the evening sky, even though you
can never see anything like this in Boston. It makes me think about lying under
a real sky like this sometime, with Mia by my side. Only in my dream, she is
lying wrapped in my arms. For just a second I can almost picture it and it
takes every ounce of self-control that I have not to just reach out and pull
her into my arms, right now.

“Thank you Jared,” she
whispers.

“For what?” I ask, not
looking at her this time.

I hear Mia’s head rustle
against the pillow. I’m guessing she’s rolled over and is looking at me, but I
don’t move, too afraid of what will happen if I look at her now.

“For everything,” she
eventually says.

I have to force myself to
swallow, to even breathe. My heart is pounding in my chest and my fingers are
tingling, itching to reach out and touch her. I want to ask Mia what everything
means, what she’s really thanking me for. I want to tell her that last night
was a mistake, but the mistake was me letting her get so drunk in the first
place that I’d have to say no to her. I want to tell her that I’m sorry, that
if she asked me now, I would say yes, a million times over.

But I don’t say anything
and by the time the music stops playing, both of us have drifted off to sleep,
lying together under these stars and now only a foot apart.

Today, 12:52am – Mia

As I sit alone in Jared’s
room, I look around and notice nothing much has changed. It’s the same as it
always was, from the very first night I spent in here, to the last. Sitting in
his room, with only a side lamp on, it casts the space in a muted darkness that
is eerily reminiscent of the first night I came in here to make up for being a
drunken idiot. That was the first night I ever slept with Jared, even if it was
literally just sleeping.

It was actually one of the
best night’s sleep of my life and when I’d woken up the next morning and found
him still sleeping next me, I hadn’t ever wanted to leave. Somehow during the
night, we’d drifted closer together and I’d woken up to find my body curled
around his, my front pressed to his back. My arm had wound itself around his
chest and my hand was resting over his heart, against the warmth of his bare
skin. But the thing that had really gotten to me, had completely taken my
breath away, was Jared’s hand, resting right over the top of mine. Our fingers
were threaded together as though he was keeping me there, pressed against him,
holding my hand against his heart as though it was all mine to have.

It had made me feel warm
all over, a peaceful calm that slowly moved through every single nerve and every
single fibre inside me. I could feel the strong and steady beat of his heart
under my hand, which was nothing compared to the hammering that was going on
inside my chest as it rested against his warm back. And it was right in that
moment I realised what was happening to me, the very thing I didn’t think I was
capable of.

And that was when I had
freaked the hell out.

I had to get out of there.
After throwing my drunken ass at him the night before and then having him reject
me, the last thing I wanted was for him to wake up and find me wrapped around
him like some kind of desperate freak. I hadn’t meant to fall asleep at all,
but it had felt so right, so peaceful, lying here with him, looking up at the
stars. But I knew I had to get out of there before he woke up and found me like
that. So carefully, I slid my hand from under his and pulled my protesting body
away from him. Jared had moved, almost whimpered in his sleep as I did and I
remember freezing, scared he was going to wake up. But he didn’t, so I held my
breath as I pulled myself from his arms and his bed.

Before I left, I stood
beside the bed for a minute, just watching him sleep, confused and trying to
decide if I was doing the right thing. I wanted to stay but I knew I needed to
go. So quickly, without even thinking about it, I leaned down and pressed a
soft kiss against his warm cheek, breathing in the scent of him in the hopes
that I could remember it forever. Then, without looking back, I’d quietly
walked out of his room, shutting the door on that moment and what I knew was
happening between us, forever.

Or so I’d thought.

Eventually the door to
Jared’s room re-opens and he walks in, a towel wrapped around his waist and
water still dripping off his body. As if the memory of our first night isn’t
painful enough, now I’m faced with this? I have to twist my hands together in
my lap just to stop myself from reaching out and pulling that towel off him.

Jared isn’t looking at me
as he wanders around his room, flicking on some music and acting like I’m not
here. He picks up his phone and scrolls through, no doubt pretending to check
his messages. I wonder if he’s looking for one to get him out of here, an
excuse to walk out and leave me behind, even if it is nearly one in the
morning. He is so angry and tense, I can actually feel it radiating off him
from across the room.

But he quickly throws his
phone on the dresser and I watch as he walks towards the bed, his eyes still
defiantly avoiding mine as he sits on the edge and lies down on his back to dry
himself against the duvet. I can’t help but laugh a little, knowing he used to
drive me nuts every time he did this, especially when I was still in bed.

He finally looks at me
when he hears me and I freeze, the smile staying on my face.

“What?” he asks, but the
edge is gone from his voice now.

I keep smiling at him,
willing him to smile back at me. “Nothing, old habits die hard is all. Just
made me laugh, seeing you do that again.”

He finally smiles at me,
but it’s a half smile that doesn’t quite reach his eyes. “I remember it used to
drive you crazy when I did it.”

“Yeah,” I say quietly.
“But in a good way, Jared.”

His smile disappears again
and I exhale loudly, dropping my head as memories of our time together flash
through my head like a movie on fast forward. Back when we first got together,
he acted like he wanted me more than anything else in the world. He couldn’t
keep his hands off me and he made me feel like I was
his
whole world. For so long, even when we were apart, it was just
us
, all over each other, all the time. And it was so damn
good.

Then I went and threw it
all away. He was my best friend, my whole world, the love of my life, and I
pushed him away. I want to go back to the way things were. I want to go back to
being Jared’s everything and having him be mine. I want the two of us to be
together again. I just don’t know if that’s what he wants anymore.

“What do you want Mia?”
Jared asks, tiredness and frustration in his voice now as he reads my mind.

I lift my head; meet his
piercing blue eyes, eyes that captivated me from the moment I first looked into
them. “I want to talk to you Jared. I want to sort this,” I gesture between us
as I swallow and try to make my voice work. “I want to sort this out,” I
repeat.

I watch him blink; see the
slightest flicker of surprise on his face at my words. “What, why?”

I take a deep breath,
willing my voice to appear. “Because I want you back,” I say quietly.

Jared doesn’t say
anything, just lets out a low noise that might be a whimper, might be a buried
sob. I don’t know what it means, but I keep my eyes on his, refusing to look
away as one emotion I do recognise, pain, flashes across his face.

We sit in silence, staring
at each other. Jared’s chest is moving with hard, rapid breaths, mirroring what
I can feel going on in my own lungs. My heart, which has been pounding in my
chest from the moment I walked in here, is still racing and I can feel my hands
shaking in my lap now. I have to sit on them, just to hide what’s going on with
me and the whole time, I’m silently begging him to say something, anything,
just to break the tension that’s formed now that I’ve finally admitted, out
loud, what I want.

“Why,” he eventually says,
his voice barely audible.

I don’t look away. I keep
my eyes on his and I force myself to say the words I’ve held back for so long.
The words I so cruelly didn’t say when all of this ended, when I made it end.
When I threw it all away.

“Because I love you,” I
finally say, holding my breath as I wait to hear his response.

“I love you Jared.”

Four
and a half years ago – Jared

The knock sounds at the
door and I’m practically running to answer it. I’m acting like a total fucking
girl and I know it, but I can’t seem to stop myself. Grabbing the handle, I
yank it open, smiling at the person standing on the other side.

“Hey you,” Mia says, a
huge smile on her face.

“Hey yourself,” I answer
back, standing aside so she can come in. I take her bag from her hand as she
walks past and watch as she turns her head to look back at me, a smile on her
face that makes my stomach flip.

“How was your flight?” I
ask her.

“Ugh, long,” she answers,
heading into the kitchen and opening the fridge, standing there with the door
open as she looks inside for something to drink. It makes me stop in my tracks,
watching her do this, just like the first time she was here. I
kinda
like that she feels so at home, that she feels like
she can help herself whenever she wants and doesn’t have to ask anymore. Of course,
there’s not a whole lot of anything in the fridge right now.

“Yeah, there’s not much in
the way of food, sorry, I need to go to the store.”

“Luke at work?” she asks,
turning to look over her shoulder at me.

I nod; smiling as I
blatantly check out the woman I haven’t stopped thinking about for the last six
months. We’ve spoken a bit, probably every week. It’s mostly via text message,
occasionally talking when one of us braves it and calls the other. We’ve
somehow fallen into an easy friendship, the drunken night we shared, long
forgotten, or at least not talked about anymore.

Problem is though; I
haven’t forgotten any of it. And I especially haven’t forgotten the way she
looked, straddling my lap, grinding herself into me. Haven’t forgotten the way
her body felt underneath my hands as I pulled her against me. Or the way my
pillow smelled of her for days after the night she’d fallen asleep in my bed.
She’d been gone by the time I woke up, but it hadn’t been awkward when we’d met
over coffee the next morning. It was like our night under the stars, no matter
how fake they were, had somehow cleared the air. And even though we’ve never
talked about it again, I knew we had unintentionally come to a silent
understanding that on our drunken night, Mia had made a mistake and I’d saved
her from making it worse.
Even if my version of events from
that night was hugely different.

“
Wanna
go see him, maybe grab a bite to eat at the same time?” she asks.

I smile at her, even
though she’s not looking at me, her head still stuck in the fridge. “Sure, you
wanna
take a shower or just go now?” I ask, still holding
on to her bag.

“I’m good, let’s go now,”
she answers, slamming the fridge door and spinning to face me.

For just a second, we
stand there staring at each other. Mia is smiling at me and I am smiling back
at her and there is a tiny part of me that can’t help but wonder if she is as
glad to see me, as I am to see her. I wonder if she isn’t thinking about our
night under the stars either, wishing we could go back there, wishing it could
all be so different.

But then she tilts her
head as if to indicate we should go and that feeling disappears.

“I’ll just throw this in
the spare room,” I say, wishing it were my room I was putting it in. “Then we
can go.”

We walk out on to the
street, the late afternoon sun now slowly disappearing from the sky. The nights
are still warm though and it’s nice enough that we can walk to the restaurant
Luke’s working in most nights.

“So how’s Luke really doing
these days?” Mia suddenly asks me. “He tells me he’s good, but is that the
truth?”

I turn to look at her, but
she is facing ahead, not looking at me. I can’t help but think how ironic her
question is. Mia is the master of not answering questions or admitting her true
feelings.

“Yeah, he’s good,” I
answer. “A lot less angry than he used to be anyway.
He’s
been talking more about what happened, about stuff from when he was a kid you
know
,
it’s been better
. No progress on pressing
charges though,” I say, still pissed he’s letting that fucker get away with it.
“But he’s better. How are you doing?”

Mia looks up at me, gives
me a quick smile, before turning back towards the sidewalk in front of us.
“Good.”

I’m frustrated by her
answer, but this time I decide not to push it. She’s only just arrived and I
figure there will be plenty more opportunities over the weekend. “How’s school
going?” I ask instead.

Her smile widens now.
“Yeah really good actually. I’m thinking of transferring, now that I’ve built
up more of a portfolio. Started applying to some places to see if I have any luck.”

“Oh yeah, where?” I ask,
trying to sound casual, but deep down hoping it’s somewhere closer than LA. It
would make Luke happy sure, but really I’m asking for entirely selfish reasons.
I want her closer. I want to be able to see her more often. I want to take what
happened between us last time and have a chance at exploring it further, when
both of us are sober.

“RISD,” she says, smiling
up at me now. For the briefest of seconds, Mia’s gaze holds mine and she looks
at me like she’s trying to tell me something or wants me to understand
something. But before I can work out what it is, it’s gone and she turns away.

“RISD?” I ask, confused.

“Rhode Island School of
Design,” Mia answers without looking at me now.

I stop walking when her
words register with my brain. “Seriously?” I ask.

Mia laughs as she keeps
going, turning to face me, so she’s walking backwards and can’t see where she’s
going. “Yes Jared, seriously. But I haven’t gotten in yet, so don’t get too
excited.”

“But you mean like, Rhode
Island School of Design, as in, the state of Rhode Island. The one just south
of Massachusetts?” I ask, my voice sounding
kinda
desperate now.

“Yep, Providence, Rhode
Island, Jared, the very one.” Mia answers, still laughing.

I smile back at her now as
my heart starts hammering away in my chest. Half running
,
I catch up with her, slinging my arm around her shoulder and pulling her body
against mine without even thinking about what this might imply or mean.

RISD.

That look she gave me when
she said
it
.
I’m not sure if I imagined it now or not. I want to believe it
was real, that this RISD place is a very real possibility and it’s not just
because of her brother that she’s trying for it. But I’m not
gonna
let myself get my hopes up.
Things are good between us right now, as good as they’ve ever been, and I don’t
want to fuck that up again.

So I don’t say anything
else except, “You’ll get in,” because even though I can’t say what I’m really
thinking, I’m refusing to acknowledge the possibility she won’t.

Thirty minutes later and
we are standing outside the place where Luke works as a trainee chef. He’d only
started here a month or so ago, not long after we got back from my folks’ house.

“This looks nice,” Mia
says to me.

I smile down at her,
dropping my arm from around her shoulders as I reach out to open the door for
her. “It is,” I say, gesturing for her to head inside.

We are seated in the
middle of the restaurant, but there is a window through to the kitchen and both
of us can see Luke in there. Mia doesn’t sit down; instead she stands there
waving at him, trying to catch his attention. Watching her do this makes my
heart start to thump in my chest again. When Luke finally sees her and waves
back, the look on Mia’s face almost makes it stop completely. What I wouldn’t give
to have her look at me like that, to have her that excited to see me.

Mia eventually sits down
and our orders are taken. She orders one of the chef’s recommendations, even
though I try to tell her it isn’t something that Luke has come up with.
Laughing, she tells me she doesn’t care, that she’s sure he had some say in it.
I don’t want to ruin her illusion, so I let it go, ordering the same thing.

“So Rhode Island huh?” I
eventually say, unable to keep my curiosity at bay any longer. I want to know
more, I want to know how possible it really is. But more than anything, I want
to know why.

“Yes, one of the options
anyway,” Mia answers; taking a sip of the beer she managed to score with what I
now know is her fake ID.

I swallow. “What are some
of the others?”

She smiles at me now,
rearranging her cutlery a little. “Stay in California or Chicago.”

I feel my hand tightly
grip my beer. I don’t want it to be either of those other options, because they
are too far away from Boston. Even Providence is too far away and it’s only an
hour on the train.

“What’s your preference,”
I finally ask, trying to sound casual, as though none of this really matters to
me. It’s almost laughable how full of shit I am.

Mia takes another sip of
her drink. Her eyes are shining, almost smiling at me, as though she knows what
I’m thinking, knows which one I want it to be, but she’s going to make me wait
before she gives me the answer. Finally she puts her drink down on the table,
wipes her lips with the back of her hand, looks me dead in the eye and says,
“RISD.”

And right then, I don’t
just hope, I actually start to believe that maybe being closer to her brother
isn’t the only reason she wants to go there.

By the time we finish our
meal, Luke has come out and said hi and sent us a free dessert. He’s working
until midnight, so it’s just Mia and me for the rest of the night. I have to
remind
myself to try and
not
act like a total fucking idiot because I’m so happy about that
.

“Ready to go?” I ask her,
taking some cash from my wallet and leaving it on the table.

“Here, take this,” Mia
says, trying to push some money into my hand.

I hold my hands up,
refusing. “I got it Mia, it’s cool,” I say. “Home or somewhere else?”

“Do you mind if we head
home?” she asks. “I’m
kinda
tired from the long day.”

“Not at all,” I say
smiling as we stand up and walk out. We both wave to Luke as we pass by the
kitchen window, before we head out onto the street to walk home.

We spend the trip in
silence, but it’s not uncomfortable or awkward. Mia quietly hums to herself for
most of the way and it makes me smile to hear her. She seems happy, genuinely
happy this time, and it’s a nice change from the fake happiness she stubbornly
wore last time she was here. I hope she’s actually talked to someone, a friend
or something, about what’s happened. God knows I tried to do it last time, and
that was a complete fucking disaster. I’d like to talk to her again, but I’m
scared of opening up that line of conversation in case it brings back memories
of drunken kisses and me turning her down. Right now, things feel good between
us. That awkwardness is gone and we are talking easily.

But when I let her into
the apartment, I’m suddenly feeling nervous, unsure about what’s going to
happen next, now that we are back here, alone.

“You going to bed?” she
asks me.

I stop, my hand still on
the front door. “Nah, probably watch some TV or something,” I say.

Mia smiles at me now.
“Want to watch a movie or maybe play some Xbox?”

I smile back at her,
trying to keep my face relaxed, not let on that I’m glad she’s not interested
in going to bed either. “Sure, you pick, I’ll get us some beers.”

I walk quickly into the
kitchen before she changes her mind. I thought she was tired, that she’d go
straight to bed when we got back. Now she’s staying up and I’m also getting
beers, which given what happened the last time she was here, is possibly a dumb
move on my part. But I do it anyway, because this time around, it’s me who
needs one.

When I walk back out, Mia
is crouched on the floor, flicking through our movie collection. “Thought I’d
give you a break,” she says as I hand her a beer.

“What?”

She smiles, biting her
bottom in lip in a way that is so fucking sexy it makes me want to grab her and
pull her into my arms so I can kiss her.

“You know, a break from me
kicking your ass at
Halo
or
Guitar Hero
or any other game you might
chose to play against me.”

Cheeky little smart ass
, I think to myself, the smile an involuntary
response to her teasing. “Is that right, Mia?” I say out loud.

Her grin gets wider now
and I have to move away, sit on the couch so I don’t just crouch down beside
her and kiss the hell out of her. She looks so damn sexy right now and I bet
she has absolutely no idea.

“Yep, it is right, and
what’s more…” she continues, “…is that you know it’s right too.”

I’m shaking my head,
laughing now as I take a sip of my beer. “Well, whatever you want to tell
yourself Mia. Just know
,
I’m up for the challenge anytime,
anywhere.”

Mia picks a movie and
slides it into the player. As she throws the case to Fast and the Furious on
the coffee table, she walks over and sits beside me on the couch. Turning so
she’s looking right at me, she says, “Good. I’ll remember that.”

And right then, something
inside me flips at the words that come out of her mouth. Because somehow, I
don’t think we’re just talking about an Xbox challenge anymore. It’s like my
promise, and her words of acknowledgement, might apply to a whole heap of
scenarios. But all I do is smile, force myself to take another sip of beer
before turning towards the screen and watching the movie.