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K
yle was pissy again when I sat next to her on Wednesday.

“This is the only seat in the room, so it’s not like I can sit anywhere else,” I said, low enough for her to hear, but no one else.

She just made a grumpy sound and I risked a look at her. Cute. She was dangerously cute. I watched as she took down her hair, combed through it with her fingers and then put it up again, exactly the same way. She caught me looking, so I quickly turned and pretended to pay attention to Mr. Hurley, who was going on and on about the paranormal aspects of
Jane Eyre
but I wasn’t paying attention. My focus narrowed to one particular point. And she was sitting right next to me, taking notes with her left hand. Had I noticed she was left-handed before? Probably not.

There were a lot of things I discovered about her in that period. Like the fact that she had large, looping handwriting. That she pushed her glasses back up on her nose. A lot. That she had just a few freckles on her nose. There were also several holes in her ears, but only the bottom hole on her lobe had a silver stud in it.

At the end of class, I’d barely taken any notes on the material, but I’d made a hell of a lot of notes about Kyle. This was going to be a continuing problem.

I packed up slowly so we could leave nearly at the same time. I wanted to say something to her, but she just ignored me and kept walking. That made me realize that I couldn’t say something to her. I couldn’t be friendly toward her. That was
definitely
out of the question. I had to put Kyle Blake out of my mind. Nothing was ever going to happen, so it was crazy to even try.

Y
eah, the not-thinking about Kyle lasted until Friday, when I walked into English and realized just how cute she was. How in the hell hadn’t I noticed her before this year? She was a neon sign in front of my face and not looking at her was nearly impossible. Somehow she’d flipped a switch and it didn’t matter what she did, I was aware of it. I swore I could smell her even after I’d left the room. And at night . . . I thought about taking down her hair and running my fingers through it. It looked soft and smooth. Just the image of wrapping it around my hands was just . . . yeah. I was terrified that she was going to somehow find out that I was thinking about her like that. So my only option was to be ice cold to her. Well, colder than I already was.

That became a problem when Mr. Hurley kept pairing us up to do things in class. Kyle treated me with open disdain, which made being attracted to her even harder than it already was. I had come to the realization that glasses made any girl about five thousand times hotter than she already was. And Kyle had all the raw material. She barely wore any makeup, but I liked that. Sloppy sexy.

“What is your problem?” she hissed at me when she caught me staring.

“Nothing,” I said, keeping my tone cool. “Just wondering if you actually read these chapters, or just skimmed Cliff’s Notes online.” It usually gave me no qualms being like this with most people because the alternative was getting hurt again. I would do whatever it took to not go back there. But I did have a twinge of guilt for being snappy toward Kyle. Didn’t stop me from doing it, but it did make me hesitate a little.

“Yes, I did read the chapters,” she fired back and grabbed the paper from me. “God, why are you like this?”

I shrugged one shoulder.

“Because.”

Her jaw got all clenchy and pretty and I wanted to run my finger along her cheek.

“I get it, I get it. You think you’re better than everyone.” She rolled her eyes.

“I don’t,” I blurted out before I could stop myself. Shit. I tried to slam my bitchface back on, but she’d caught me. Her eyebrows flew up and she narrowed her eyes as she looked at me.

“You don’t?”

I cleared my throat and grabbed the paper back from her, trying to think how to change the subject.

“Hey,” she said, her voice so soft that I couldn’t ignore it. I shut my eyes so I couldn’t see the way she was looking at me. If I did, I didn’t think I’d be able to deal with it. What was wrong with me? I’d barely spent any time with her at all. She was an easy target for a crush, that was all. She was new(ish) and she was here. It was opportunity. And she was cute. Nothing more. Hell, I didn’t know anything about her, other than what I could observe. I didn’t know what she ate for breakfast or if she was a morning person, or what she wanted to do when she graduated. That was what made a crush. This was . . .  nothing. It was nothing.

I opened my eyes and narrowed them.

“Let’s just get this done,” I said. Instead of reeling back, she gave me what was almost a smirk. As if she knew she’d gotten under the surface that I glossed on for everyone else. I was going to have to work twice as hard now to undo that. Great. Just fantastic.

I
nteresting. Very interesting. Not that I really cared about Stella, but I could have sworn she had a moment of humanity. I didn’t know it was possible. That meant one of two things. Either it was a fluke, or it was a moment of weakness. I’d never considered the fact that she might not be a total asshole. The only question was, if asshole wasn’t her default setting, then why did she do it?

I guess I could understand a little. I mean, she was captain of the cheerleading team and she hung out with the so-called popular crowd and seemingly had everything. I wouldn’t be surprised if she was in the running for prom queen. If it was fake, it was obvious that it had worked for her.

I shook my head at myself. I was thinking way too much about this. She was definitely just a horrible person and would continue to be so. Such a shame because she was definitely pretty. So, so pretty.

“U
ngh,” Grace moaned on Saturday. We were hanging out at her house, stuffing our faces with pizza and garlic knots and marathoning
Faking It
. I didn’t want to watch it, but Grace did, so I’d caved. The thing that made me not want to watch it was the fact that the two main characters were pretending to be a lesbian couple to get popular at their liberal high school. I had to look away every time they kissed. I hated the way it made me feel. Not bad. Good.
Really
good.

What the crap was happening to me? It was like I’d flipped some sort of switch and now all I could do was notice girls in a way I had never thought to notice them before.

“Hey, I forgot to ask, how’s class going with Stella?” Grace said. I hadn’t been thinking of Stella up until that moment, but the instant Grace said her name, I couldn’t get her out of my head.

I laughed nervously. Great.

“She’s still the worst,” I said, and Grace was preoccupied by the show and didn’t see how weird I was being.

“I think she’s one of those girls who will always be terrible, but good things will continue to happen for her. Like, she’s blessed or something,” Grace said. She was blessed all right.

UGH. I needed to stop having those thoughts. But how did you stop your brain from thinking? Other than doing permanent damage.

“Yeah,” I said, and got up to stretch.

Grace looked up at me from her position on the floor.

“You sure you’re okay?” she asked.

“Yup. Just going to get another soda,” I said. “You want anything?” She shook her head and I headed to the kitchen. Her house was quiet since her mom was at the hospital where she worked as an ER doctor and her dad barely left his law practice. Another reason we hung out at Grace’s a lot was that her house was five thousand times nicer than mine. It was also about three times the size.

I pulled a Coke out of the fridge and leaned on the marble countertop of the kitchen island for a minute. When I was little, I used to be terrified to make a mess in such a pristine house, but now I was more comfortable. It still didn’t feel like a home, more like a movie set, but Grace’s room was cozy and comfortably messy.

What was going on with me? I mean, I thought I knew, but that was impossible. I mean, I was straight. Always had been. I’d had plenty of crushes on boys and wanted to get married and all that stuff. I mean, not right now, but in the future. He’d be nerdy and sweet. We’d watch a lot of Doctor Who and maybe cosplay and he’d work for a lab or something.

I had it all planned out. That was what was going to happen. It was what had to happen.

This whole thing with Stella was just a distraction. I was just . . .  I don’t know.

I peeled myself off the counter and went back to Grace’s room. She was laughing her ass off when I got there and pulled me back down to the floor to fill me in on what I’d missed in the show. But my mind was still reeling and my stomach churned as I sipped my soda. The churning had nothing to do with the carbonation.