Such Men Are Dangerous (36 page)

NORAH

Speak for yourself.

TREVOR

Vengeance is mine, I will repay, saith the Lord. Sir, isn’t
that
the line you were quoting?

LINDA

Give up. I think you might have met your match, Dad.

WILLIAM

Rubbish. The devil, too, can quote scripture.

TOM

Did he really say ‘too’?

TREVOR

In any case, I’m aware I was being priggish. I apologize.

WILLIAM

And please don’t call me ‘sir’. It makes me feel ancient.

TOM

You are ancient. And a line like that’s not going to put him in his place.

TREVOR

(Starts very purposefully, then breaks off) Well, as a matter of fact…Oh, may I give you a hand with that?

WILLIAM

No, you sit down. Tom can profit from your example. Tom, come and take these round. Norah, you’re going to have one, aren’t you?

NORAH

Certainly!

TOM

Do I get one? My nerves are shattered too.

WILLIAM

If you come clean: admit how much you really love me.

TOM

Does the size of my drink increase with the depth of my devotion?

WILLIAM

Remember, I can sniff out the least taint of insincerity.

TOM

Dad, I love you enormously.

WILLIAM

And didn’t we always know it? (Gives TOM a drink)

TOM

Ta, Pa.

WILLIAM

You’re welcome.

NORAH

(Looks at Tom’s glass) I think I would prefer he had loved you a little less. (Looks at her own) I think I’d prefer
I
had loved you a little less. You’re going to be our ruination.

WILLIAM

That figures. I sometimes feel everything I touch has a tendency to crumble into ashes. You always hurt the one you love, the one you never meant to hurt at all. Trevor, you’ll no doubt tell me if I got that right?

NORAH

How can Trevor possibly tell you? That song came out of the ark.

WILLIAM

Oh, I hoped it might have come out of St Paul’s Epistle to the Romans. Well, never mind. At least the ark is still scripture.

NORAH

And yours came to rest in the nineteen-forties or thereabout. Got stuck there. Grounded not so much on Ararat as Annabella. You forget that some of us weren’t even around until the middle sixties…And, by the way, I have absolutely no intention, thank you very much, of sitting here disintegrating into ashes just to fulfil some heart-rending little theory which happens to appeal to your feelings of self-pity. Not this evening, anyway.

TOM

(Pause) Hey, Wobbles, what is all this?

NORAH

You know, truthfully, I’m none too sure.

TOM

Then please don’t quash his generous instincts. They already find it hard enough getting by. Who was Annabella?

NORAH

What? Oh…she was the film-star wife of Tyrone Power.

TOM

And did Tyrone Power mind Dad’s ark being grounded on his wife?

WILLIAM

I tell you, I never even saw her. She was well before my time; though plainly not before your mother’s.

TOM

Oh God! Imagine! Painful enough having somebody’s ark grounded on you to some real purpose. But…
I never even saw her
…Poor, poor benighted lady. Mum, I think he’s right: he does seem to have this unfortunate effect on people.

NORAH

My son’s a lunatic. But since it may appear I’m going that way myself, I hope he’ll think he’s in good company.

TREVOR

Well, anyway, I know that I am. And may I drink a toast to that? To good company!

NORAH

Oh, it’s not fair! I’ve been wanting to propose a toast for the past five minutes. I wanted to be the first to do so. (Nevertheless, they drink)

WILLIAM

We can see that as a dummy run. Now this will be the proper thing.

TOM

I trust it’s going to be to Annabella. That’s the very least we can do. You know, it’s going to be a long time before I shall forget the fate of that innocent, once-lovely creature. I shall dream of it for ages.

NORAH

No, it’s
not
going to be to Annabella. (Raises her glass) Now this ought to be champagne; but we’ll have to see what we can do tomorrow. To Linda and Trevor! To Trevor and Linda! May they always be as happy as they are tonight! Happier. You look like figures from a fairy tale.

WILLIAM

To Linda and Trevor.

TOM

To Freaky and Trev.

LINDA

Thank you, Mum. That was sweet of you.

TREVOR

And here’s to all of you. I feel very blessed to be here. Thank you for taking me in.

TOM

‘Taking me in’ is not a happy phrase.

WILLIAM

Trevor, you started to say something earlier and then appeared to think better of it. “Well, as a matter of fact…,” you said; and I felt sure something of significance was about to emerge.

NORAH

Darling, if he thought better of it, then obviously he’d rather not tell us what it was.

WILLIAM

It’s just that he started out so decisively. “Well, as a matter of fact…” And people’s first thoughts are always the ones I find most interesting.

NORAH

That’s only because you yourself launch into things without a moment’s hesitation, not caring what you say or even whom you say it to. Until afterwards, I mean, when inevitably you wriggle around in paroxysms of remorse, wondering whether so-and-so will have been hurt or so-and- so will consider you a fool or so-and-so will repeat what you’ve just said—or in extreme cases, of course, all three possibilities at once. I don’t think it’s the novelist in him, I think it’s more the Aries. Trevor, when’s your birthday; what’s your star sign?

TREVOR

I’m Sagittarius.

NORAH

Oh dear. Linda is Scorpio…Anyway, who believes in all that nonsense?

WILLIAM

My wife is supremely skilled in the art of drawing red herrings.

NORAH

She has to be.

TREVOR

I stopped saying what I was going to, because I was scared it might sound counterfeit—which, honestly, cross my heart, it wasn’t. You asked me not to call you sir since it made you feel so ancient. Well, my first thought on seeing you—
as a matter of fact!
—was that you couldn’t possibly be Linda’s father; you looked far too young. I still can’t quite believe it.

TOM

Forget about Scorpio and Sagittarius! Trev and Freaky—clearly, the two of you are soulmates!

LINDA

(Ignoring this) There, what did I tell you about Dad? Peter Pan himself.

WILLIAM

Trevor, that’s very kind of you.

NORAH

You’ve made yourself a friend for life.

TREVOR

Good. If that’s true nothing could please me more.

TOM

Are you really only twenty-one?

TREVOR

Why? Do I seem ancient?

TOM

Where do you get all the right words?

NORAH

Oh,
yes
. Please tell him.

TREVOR

Well, I think I’m just in luck tonight. You should hear me sometimes. It depends on whom I’m with—and here I feel very much at home.

TOM

Oh God. He’s done it again.

NORAH

And you notice he doesn’t blaspheme. That’s certainly a large part of it.

TREVOR

But any moment now I’m bound to take a fall. It’s dangerous to tempt providence.

TOM

By saying which, folks, he’s shown that—against all expectation—he’s fallible. He appears to have taken that fall.

TREVOR

How come?

TOM

Because if taking a fall is a direct reflection on the company you’re in…why at any moment were you expecting to take one?

WILLIAM

Convoluted, but I see your point.

TOM

Do I get another drink?

WILLIAM

No. Trevor, are you ready for some more?

TREVOR

No thanks. Not yet.

TOM

I’m obviously employing the wrong tactics. Wait…let me rack my brains. Dad, you must be the youngest-looking man ever to have a daughter about to be spliced. Honey chile, I jus’ carn believe it, it plum defies belief!

WILLIAM

Thank you. No go.

TOM

Yes, sir, the very youngest. Not to mention the most suntanned.

TREVOR

Yes…I was going to ask. Have you just come back from abroad?

TOM

Was it winter sports, Dad, or the Caribbean or was it something a little more exotic? Like the Leisure Centre? You know, Trev, they have almost real palms down at the Leisure Centre in this town. Dad rents a sunbed beneath them.

WILLIAM

And I go twice weekly. Weekly total: half an hour. It makes me feel good. I know it must sound very sinful.

TOM

Does your father look as madly sexy as ours?

TREVOR

My father’s getting on for sixty. Silver-haired, handsome and distinguished…although he could do with losing a bit of weight.

NORAH

My heart warms to him already. Can’t you tell that Trevor would never talk about his father the way you talk about yours?

TOM

Wobbles, surely you know my one concern is that it might dry out his skin?

LINDA

Anyway, if Dad’s still taking his cod liver oil, you can relax; that should help to keep it from getting all shrivelled and loose.

TOM

Phew! I was afraid it might simply fall off at an inconvenient moment—undoubtedly when one of my friends was present.

WILLIAM

(Pinching the skin on his wrist) Perhaps if I took lessons from a yogi I could learn to slough it off at will. (To NORAH) Now that would be something to control him with.

TOM

God, yes! Imagine having Dad’s baggy old skin held over you. Worse than the Bomb. I’d reform upon the instant. But may I have another drink before I do?

WILLIAM

Only if you go round beforehand refilling glasses. And don’t forget the soda water. Here, I think I’ll see to me first.

TREVOR

(To NORAH) Actually, in spite of what you said about my father and me, I can’t let you think we have an easy relationship. I do respect him, yes…but, though we both try, we can’t really talk to one another. There’s a distance between us which seems impossible to bridge. What goes on here—with these two—has infinitely more vitality. (To WILLIAM) Is it true you can actually bring yourself to take cod liver oil?…Now that’s what I call courage.

WILLIAM

Even if you begin by hating it, you very quickly reach the point where you wouldn’t be without it.

NORAH

I take it as well, if you’re handing out the plaudits. (To TOM) I take that, too, if you’re handing out the whisky.

TREVOR

No wonder you both look so fit.

TOM

You should see the vitamins they have beside their breakfast plates!

NORAH

Minerals
and vitamins. Not so many. You make us sound like cranks.

TOM

Or hypochondriacs. (Looking at WILLIAM)

WILLIAM

I am not a hypochondriac.

TOM

Oh no? Who keeps thinking there might be something wrong with his heart, then? Who keeps testing his pulse rate when he believes there’s nobody looking? Who can’t bear to hear of anyone in their forties who suddenly drops dead?

WILLIAM

Whereas we all know it’s
your
favourite news item.

TOM

Yeah, I’d have it on my own personal Pick of the Week. Probably take it to my desert island.

LINDA

Honestly, listening to you, Tom, anyone who didn’t know Dad would think he was the most terrible wimp. Well, let’s finally see which of you is the real wimp. How many press-ups can
you
do?

TOM

You freak! Probably a great many more than you.

LINDA

(To TREVOR) Do you know how many Dad does? Two hundred and fifty! At one go!

TREVOR

You’re joking. (To WILLIAM) Tell me she’s joking…At one go? Crumbs. If I could get up to fifty I should be amazed.

TOM

It doesn’t have much to do with strength. It’s far more a matter of practice. Like swimming.

WILLIAM

Swimming? Is that a matter of practice over strength? Why at eighty, then, can’t you swim so far as you did at forty?

TOM

Well, that’s stupid; it isn’t the same thing.

LINDA

There speaks the fellow who probably can’t manage even ten press-ups.

TOM

Anyway, have you ever seen Dad do two hundred and fifty? Go on, Dad, get down on the floor and do two hundred and fifty.

NORAH

This is an exceedingly boring subject. Can we drop it, please?

TOM

And if it truly is a matter of strength…well, if Trevor and Dad were to have an arm wrestle, I know which
I’d
lay my money on.

NORAH

Did you hear what I said?

WILLIAM

Yes, stop it, Tom! I’ll come and hold my skin over you.

LINDA

Oh, Dad, you went and spoilt it. If there
is
anything wimpish about you, it’s the way you don’t keep that boy in order.

TOM

You cow! There are times when you make me positively sick!

NORAH

Oh ye gods, ye gods, ye gods! Why,
why
, can’t we be like other families? Why can’t we, for instance, be a little more like Trevor’s? Here a much loved daughter—
and
sister!—comes home one night and says she’s getting married. It’s never happened to us before. Yet how do we behave? Do we ask this happy couple where they met or if they live in the same college? Do we ask how long it took before suddenly they
knew
? Do we discuss weddings and plans and where they mean to live? Trevor, I’ve not even learnt if you take sugar in your tea! It’s all very well being a family with—what did you call it?—
vitality
, and trying to show that at least superficially we’re alive; but this…all this…! Do forgive us. I know that—being you—you almost certainly will, but just the same it seems to me…it really does seem to me…