Suckers Bite Back (San Francisco Vampires #5) (Vampires of San Francisco series) (6 page)

“Where’s Aidan?”

Everyone looks anywhere but at me. Uh oh.

“Tell me, now.”

“He needed some time to think. He’s gone. We don’t know when he’s coming back,” Sebastian says looking directly at me. Giving me a little hurt back. Paybacks suck.

I just sit down with my coffee. My fingers shaking, I spill coffee all over the floor, amazingly missing my dress. Andrew rushes to me and takes the cup from me, puts it on the coffee table and cleans up the mess while squeezing my hand.

“Thank you,” I say. But I don’t recognize the voice that’s coming out of me. It’s raspy, hoarse, dead.

I’ve finally driven them both away for good. Isn’t this what I want? I stare into my hands not wanting to meet Sebastian’s eyes. I can feel them on me. Julian’s too. I don’t want their pity. I straighten my back and get up. Helena walks into the room.

“I’m just going to freshen up before we leave,” I tell her. Her lips turn down and her brow creases. I can’t take it and I walk as gracefully as possible from the room.

I hear Helena asking Sebastian what he did to me. He tells her to leave it alone in a gruff voice.

I make it to my room and find that Andrew has brought up a mocha for me and it is still steaming hot. I let the heat settle its warmth into my hands and sip it, slowly relishing the ritual. At least this hasn’t changed. Curling up on my bed and staring out my window, I see nothing, trying to let my mind go blank.

Time goes by but I don’t register it. Soon Helena is rousing me from my meditation saying we have to leave.

“Lily, are you alright, darling?”

“No, but that’s why we are going to see a shrink, right?” I say.

The lack of inflection in my voice must worry her because she scoops me into her arms and rocks me.

“Oh my dear, it will be okay. We will work this out. Julian and I are here for you every step of the way,” she coos.

“I know,” I say and sigh.

“What is it?” she asks.

“Nothing, everything, I really fucked up my life, Helena. I thought I knew what I was doing and now I’m so miserable all I want to do is be numb. Not feel anything, not exist anymore.”

Helena looks at me with panic in her eyes. “Lily, you will sort this out, I promise. Sophie is a miracle worker. She is so kind and insightful. She will help you, I know it.” She grips my shoulders hard and gives me a little shake. It gets my attention. “We have to go, can you face them all again?”

“Is Nico still here?” I ask.

“Yes, but she is busy going through fashion magazines searching for your dress. She is sure she saw it on the runway. Little does she know it was and that Aidan got it for you,” Helena says, the side of her lips turn up.

“Yeah, she was pissed when she noticed the dress. She called me Milly on purpose. The bitch.”

“Well, she is of no consequence. Let’s stroll out of here with our heads held high.”

“Does everyone know where I am going,” I ask, my head down. I’m suddenly aware that I don’t want to share this with people.

“Just Julian.”

“Okay, can we keep it that way for now?”

“Of course. Come, young one.”

We leave my room and click-clack down the marble staircase. Julian comes out of the library smiling. He walks towards us and envelops me in a hug.

“You will love her. She will help, my dear,” he whispers in my ear.

“Please don’t tell Bast where I am going. I don’t want anyone to know for now.”

“My lips are sealed,” he says and then kisses me on the forehead. He gives Helena a kiss on the lips and walks us to the door.

Helena is driving because she says I probably won’t feel like it after my session. I don’t feel like it now, to tell the truth, so I am grateful. I know she hates driving.

“Do you want to take my Prius?” I ask. Her eyes light up. I didn’t realize how much she wants to drive it.

“Yes. I’ve wanted to drive this little baby again since the attack in the parking garage with the rogue vampire that those witch bitches sent to kill us. It zips and zooms. I love this car. I hate the Merc,”she says giving it a nasty look. “At least for driving. It is nice to ride in.”

I dig my keys out and toss them to her. She catches them out of the air with a vampire’s precision. We get into my little baby. Sebastian and Aidan both insisted on a GPS system for me so Helena punches in the address and we’re off. Sophie’s office is in a restored house in the Richmond district across from Golden Gate Park and the De Young Museum. She owns the whole building. Parking is a bit hard to find but not too bad for this time of day. We still have a half hour before the appointment but Helena explains that Sophie has paper work I need to fill out.

We enter the second floor office and are greeted by a young vamp receptionist. She’s very pleasant. The room is painted in soothing colors and has some succulents planted throughout. They contrast with the soft edges of the pillows on the couches and chairs in the waiting room. I get my requisite paperwork and sit down. It’s thick and I groan internally. The first part is just the typical demographic info plus when I was turned and how. My hunting habits, where I live and with who. If I’m employed and past employers. I put down my last job and reason for leaving. A big fat fired. The rest of the packet requires that I explain my symptoms. If I am self-medicating on alcohol, brimstone or street drugs. Yikes. Never thought I’d have to put this down. I never thought I’d be at this point. By the time I’m done I have ten minutes to wait before my appointment. The receptionist takes my papers into an office where I assume Sophie will look them over before we meet.

I’m nervous. My leg is bouncing up and down. Helena gently puts her hand on it to steady me and I give her a small smile.

“It will be okay. She’s a lovely person, very kind and compassionate,” she says.

“I know, I’m just nervous. I’ve always been on the other end of the crisis. I don’t know what to do here,” I explain.

“Sophie will help guide you.”

A tall, slender vampire comes out of the office door. She’s dressed casually but in a classic way. Long, curly ebony hair flows down to the middle of her back. She has it tucked behind one ear and is wearing beautiful silver and turquoise earrings. A multitude of delicate rings adorn her fingers. She also wears a gentle smile.

“Hello Helena, Lily, would you care to join me?” she asks.

“Yes.”

I follow her through the door into a well lit room with windows from floor to ceiling. They overlook the park and where the De Young is a little further back. It’s a beautiful scene. There are several comfy chairs each with a soft chenille throw on them and pillows. Ferns fill this room. Everything about this room is soft. The art on the walls is delicate line drawings and prints in vibrant colors providing just enough edge to keep it from being boring. I pick a chair where I can see the park and still face Sophie.

“I’m happy to meet you at last, Lily. I’ve heard a lot about you throughout the years,” she says.

“I’m sorry but I have never heard about you until today.” I’m a bit frosty about this.

“That’s typical of Helena. You see she turned me. She doesn’t talk about her children. But it’s my story to tell so if you have any questions you may ask me,” she says.

“How old are you?” I venture.

“I am six hundred and seventy.”

“Wow. What made you want to become a psychologist?” I ask now super curious.

“I was a midwife who was accused of witchcraft. Helena saved me. I have always been a healer. When it became appropriate for a woman to go to medical school, I went. I was a doctor for a long while.”

“Didn’t the blood bother you?” I interrupt.

“No, I think I am unique that way. I was able to turn off my feeding instinct when I needed to. After a long while I felt I should be doing something for my people. They didn’t need doctors but many suffered with transitioning and depression during different times in their long lives. So I went back to school and became a psychologist for vampires.”

“You’ve had an amazing life it would seem,” I say.

“A very fulfilling one for sure,” she says. She re-tucks her hair. “I’ve been going over your file. You are truly unique among our kind, Lily Goodwill. Do you know that?”

“No, why?” I ask, puzzled.

“You are a giver of life. You hesitate to take it. That is not the vampire way. I think this is a great asset to a human but could cause great conflict within a vampire. A conflict that could resonate throughout the rest of your life choices. You’re also part werewolf. More conflict.” She shifts in her chair. “How did working at the hotline make you feel?”

“Satisfied and needed. I felt fulfilled.” I don’t even hesitate to answer. She smiles at me.

“You have a great desire to be needed. How did being engaged with Sebastian make you feel?”

“Suffocated.”

“Why?”
“I don’t know. He was very protective. I never had to make choices, he made them all. If he could. For my wellbeing. Because he loved me. He loved me so much I was over flowing with it but couldn’t reciprocate. I could show him I loved him but I couldn’t take charge or make him feel needed like he wanted me to and he never ever made me feel needed.” Boy, I had never looked at from this perspective.

“How about Aidan? How did his love make you feel?” she asks while she is making notes.

“Hmmm, he is more difficult. It felt wild and clandestine. It was magickal because he is. But I was always telling him no because I was with Sebastian. I always felt guilty. There was always guilt involved when Aidan was around. He loved me so much and for the longest time I couldn’t return it. Then when I did, I knew I was breaking Sebastian’s heart and that led to my heart breaking and more guilt. It was so messed up that I decided I needed space from both of them. That’s only making all three of us miserable. But I didn’t know what to do.”

“In the meantime you were bitten by a werewolf. How do you feel about that?”

“Some parts are awesome. I could do without the blood lust, though. It’s the only time I take blood that I don’t feel guilty. There’s that word again. Some days I feel consumed with guilt.”

“How does that make you feel?”

“Desperate, hopeless and isolated. I feel like no one can really love me because I am a bad person.”

“So then you got fired,” she prompts.

“I got fired. The only thing I had left that made me feel worthwhile, and like a contributing member of society. When that was gone, oh was I a mess. I went to the first bar I could find and lured the drunkest man I could find. Practically blood-raped him and stumbled home. I just wanted the numbing it would give. Then who of all people finds me at the door but Sebastian and he tries to pick me up being all sweet and all I can do is yell and swear at him. I was so angry. So he calls Aidan, which in retrospect I know had to cost him to admit defeat. Aidan pops in and I do the same to him.”

“Who finally helped you, because I imagine you could barely walk,” she asks.

“Helena. I will always let Helena in.”

“And the next day?”

“I smelled that Sebastian had been in my room watching me sleep again. He did that sometimes. But it really pissed me off. I know I was probably still a little drunk. I got dressed and went down stairs and he was with Nico, a gorgeous French model. He decided to date again. I had finally pushed him away. For good,” I say. Then I lose it and start sobbing. I continue even though I’m sure she could barely understand me while I cry.

“The next day I talked Liam and Andrew into getting drunk with me. I dressed in leather pants and a corset blouse. Sebastian told me not to dress that way of course and I told him mind his own business. Aidan begged to go with me to protect me. And Julian wanted to help with the boys since it was their first time. I agreed to all that reluctantly.” I grab the blanket and pillow and snuggle with them.

“It went perfectly with Liam and Andrew. They shared a meal and had a nice little buzz going. They had fun. Then I announced that I was going to The Devil With You.”

“The Demon bar?” Sophie asks.

“Yep. I didn’t know what I was getting into but I knew I wanted to be reckless. Aidan insisted on going with me. I told him he may not like what he saw. He didn’t care,” I say as I shake my head for emphasis. “Julian took the boys home and Aidan popped us over there.”

“As soon as we went inside the owner of the club started hitting on me. Aidan wanted to check him out so he went outside to make a phone call but I guess he really transmanifested over to our friend Diel’s house.”

“Sidiel, the Duke?” Sophie asks as she is madly scribbling.

“Yes. While Aidan was gone, Mark, the owner, whisked me away to a private room and got me a hunk of drunk demon flesh to drink from. Then he asked me if I want to have a good time while nuzzling my neck.” I look up at Sophie. I desperately want her to understand me. “It felt so good to have a man interested in me and to touch me again. No strings attached.”

“I can understand that,” Sophie says.

“I told him yeah, I wanted to have a good time the next thing I know we were on his motorcycle driving to his house. He kissed me a little bit and asked if I wanted to try some brimstone. I was so out of it. I asked what it would do to me and he said the other vamps he knew that used it said they felt enlightened. That sounded good to me so I said yes. I sat in his lap and snorted a line. I remember feeling like was floating. I guess he was undressing me but I don’t remember that. Just the floating and then I woke up with a terrible headache three days later.”

“Sounds like quite a week you’ve had,” Sophie says. She looks me in the eyes. I don’t want to meet her eyes. “Lily, look at me.” I look at her. “Lily, you stumbled. It happens. What do you want to do now? How do you feel about all this past week’s behavior?”

“I feel ashamed of myself. I also feel like doing some of it again. I know that sounds terrible, especially since it makes me feel guilty and ashamed but I just long for the numbness,” I plea, hoping she understands where I am coming from.

“I think that’s understandable. Let’s talk about you feeling ashamed. What are you of ashamed of?” she asks holding out her hands.