Darkness fell, but she didn’t turn on her flashlight. The moon would be up soon, and there was just enough light to find the dock at Spruce Island. Which was, after all, where she was headed all along. Connor was still working out here, and she wanted to find him alone.
Yes, she was looking for Connor. Maybe, as Freddy sometimes told her, she really was a glutton for punishment. Here she was, freaked out about Jenny, but also still so frustrated—no, furious—with Connor she couldn’t see straight, yet she needed to see him.
If she closed her eyes, she could still feel his kisses and the fiery burn of wanting him, the way she had the night she’d all but thrown herself at him. He’d put a stop to that swiftly enough, but like a fool, she’d given him another chance at the winter lodge, flirting shamelessly—to no avail. Nothing, she thought—
but nothing—
feels quite like sexual rejection.
And really, what better place to have it out with him than here, on this tiny private island in the middle of the lake?
She tied up and got out at the small, floating dock.
“Hello,” she called out.
“Over here.”
Her heart tripped, then sped up as she followed the sound of his voice.
“Hey,” she said, her tone carefully neutral.
“Hey.” He was working by the light of a lantern. He unfastened a wood clamp, stepped back to regard his work. “I wasn’t expecting anyone.”
“You didn’t show up for dinner. I came out to make sure everything is all right.”
“You paddled all the way out here just for that?”
“Sure.”
“Liar.” He used a bandanna to wipe his hands. “What are you doing here, Lolly?”
She couldn’t bring herself to reply. Besides, she was pretty sure he knew, anyway. He seemed to call her Lolly—not Olivia—when he saw right through her. It occurred to her to tell him how the meeting with Jenny Majesky had gone, but she wasn’t ready to talk about that, not yet. She’d come here—in part, at least—to avoid that situation. She didn’t want to think about her father and Jenny at the Apple Tree Inn.
Connor didn’t press for an answer, but busied himself stowing away the clamps and tools. Then he flipped a switch, and strings of fairy lights glimmered in the rafters of the restored gazebo.
Olivia turned slowly in a circle, and for a moment, she forgot her worry and frustration. She forgot everything except the fact that this man had been working long hours to re-create this place for her grandparents. The thought melted every bit of her annoyance at Connor. “It’s exactly the way I wanted it to turn out.”
“Glad you like it.” He looked sexy in this light. In any light, she admitted.
“I’m lucky I found you,” she said, then grew flustered. “I mean, as a contractor. But then I was worried that it wouldn’t work out, that we wouldn’t work well together, you know, because…you know.” Oh, she was babbling. They both knew it.
He seemed unruffled as he opened two cans of beer without asking whether or not she wanted one. “Cheers,” he said.
Olivia wasn’t much of a beer drinker, but sometimes, like right now, on the hottest night of the year, it was just the thing. The cold, crisp effervescence soothed her throat.
Connor turned off the strings of lights and picked up a lantern. “Let’s sit over here,” he said, lighting the way down to the water’s edge. “I’d make you a fire, but it’s too hot as it is.”
She tilted her head back and touched the cold beer can to her throat, closed her eyes and let out a sigh. “It’s still so hot out, I almost can’t see straight,” she said.
“There’s a remedy for that.”
“Hmm. Skinny-dipping.” She kicked off her flip-flops and sat down, bracing one arm behind her.
“Of course. One of Kioga’s most secret traditions.”
“Except everyone knew about it.” She cringed, shying away from unwanted memories. Her thoughts careened and ricocheted. Was she going to let him do this? Was she prepared? Was he?
“Let me tell you about my day,” she said. It was only fair to let him know about the invisible baggage she was dragging around. “I went with my father to introduce him to Jenny. It was horrible and awkward and sad, and tonight he’s taking her to the Apple Tree Inn so they can get acquainted. And it’s all my fault for opening the whole can of worms but how could I not?”
“Hey. None of this is your fault. Not one damn bit.”
Olivia had a terrible urge to lean against him, as though seeking shelter. Every breath she took seemed to deepen her emotional pain. “It was so hard,” she said. “Don’t get me wrong, Jenny was terrific. But also…careful. She didn’t embrace us as her long-lost family. She didn’t push us away, either. The whole time, I couldn’t stop thinking about everything we missed out on, all the things we never had. All my life I’ve had a sister. A big sister. And I never knew. I keep wondering about how different my life would have been if we’d known each other, growing up.”
He slipped his arm around her, and the simple human warmth of the contact brought her to the brink of tears. He didn’t say anything, she supposed, because there was nothing to say. Finally, he asked a question. “What can I do?”
She swallowed a couple of times, hardly trusting herself to speak. “Maybe I need mind-blowing sex and a shoulder to cry on.”
He tightened his hold on her, and she could hear a rumble of humor in his chest. “I guess you came to the right place.”
The thing was, Olivia didn’t know if she should take what he was offering. She had a perfectly good best friend—Freddy—and a cousin she adored—Dare—who could be the shoulder. The mind-blowing sex, well, that would take a specialist.
She and Connor had tried sex before. It had been a disaster. Just how big a disaster, she was still discovering. She’d thought it was a simple teenage-humiliation-and-rejection scenario, but she’d never left it behind, not really. Instead, she had let that moment define her and govern choices she made years later.
“So what do you say, Lolly?” he whispered, his lips very close to hers, not kissing her but leaning close enough so that she felt as though he was.
God, she was falling for him. All over again, though she should have learned her lesson a long time ago. She wanted him so much, though, that even knowing this could be a mistake couldn’t dissuade her.
Maybe, as bona fide adults, they’d do better this time around. God knew, they couldn’t do much worse.
CAMP KIOGA SONGBOOK
Taps (Day Is Done)
Day is done, gone the sun,
From the lake, from the hills, from the sky;
All is well, safely rest, God is nigh.
Thirty
Summer 1997
H
appy but exhausted campers swarmed the main yard on pickup day. Some took the camp bus down the mountain to the train station. Others were collected by gleeful parents in station wagons and SUVs. After ten weeks away, even the most obnoxious child was generally missed. A final sweep of the bunkhouses had been made and the kids milled around, toting their gear, sporting suntans and bug bites and—as Lolly’s grandparents said in their farewell talk at breakfast—memories to last a lifetime.
Lolly spotted Connor talking with Julian. The little boy was hopping from one foot to the other, still the most energetic kid at camp. Her heart jumped as it always did when she saw Connor, or even thought about him. Against all expectations, something amazing had happened this summer. He had become her boyfriend, her very first, and she was so dizzy in love with him that she had all but lost the ability to eat or sleep or think. She walked over to him and handed Julian the Fledgling sign to hold. “Make sure you keep it up in the air so everyone can see it. That’ll help parents find their kids.”
“My dad’s coming. He’s coming all the way from Italy to get me.”
“That’s what I hear, kiddo. I think that’s totally cool,” Lolly said.
Marching around in self-importance, Julian waved his sign and scanned the incoming cars and vans.
“Good move,” Connor said to her. “Giving him a job to do will keep him busy for a whole minute, maybe.”
“I can’t believe he made it through the summer in one piece,” she said. Bungee jumping had been only the beginning. Fortunately for Julian, he had a big brother who was smart and caring. Rather than fighting against the boy’s fascination with height and speed, Connor found ways to channel it. He took Julian and some of the other campers to explore the steep white cliffs and ice caves of the Shawangunk’s Ridge, hung a rope swing from a tree by the lake and took a group to the top of the highest ranger lookout tower. At yesterday’s farewell celebration, there had been a mountain bike descent. Lolly knew she’d never forget the sound of Julian’s screams of joy as he’d ridden down, nor would she forget the proud, affectionate grin on Connor’s face as he watched.
A wave of love came over her and she moved close to him, her hand brushing his. “This is the first time in my life I’m sorry to see camp end,” she said.
“I never liked seeing it end.”
Ramona Fisher came running over. “There you are, Lolly. I told my mom I wasn’t leaving until I said goodbye.”
Lolly opened her arms to the little girl for a hug. It had taken lots of time and attention, but she had managed to get Ramona through the crippling homesickness that had paralyzed her at the beginning of summer. She’d convinced the girl that it was only human to miss the people you love, but that their absence didn’t have to make you miserable.
Sneaking a glance at Connor, Lolly wondered if she would be able to take her own advice, once she went away to college. The very thought of going for days or weeks or even months without seeing him sent a cold spike of dread clean through her.
“This is for you,” Ramona said, “to remember me by.” She offered up a friendship bracelet, made of bright threads and beads. Painstakingly woven into the narrow strap were the initials RF and LB.
“That’s awesome, Ramona.” Lolly held out her hand so the girl could tie it on. “I’ll wear it with pride.”
“And I’m going to do it,” Ramona said as she carefully knotted the bracelet. “I’m going to sign up for swim team at the Y in Nyack.”
“They’ll be lucky to get you,” Lolly said.
Whistles shrieked and car horns honked, and everyone got busy sorting kids into car pools and herding them onto the bus. But between Lolly and Connor there was an invisible thread. Over the weeks of summer, the bond had grown and deepened, and now he felt like her whole world. She had admitted to him that he had been the first boy to kiss her. “That makes me glad,” he’d said. “I like being your first.”
Tonight would be another first, and they both knew it. She thought about their plans and felt a tug of that invisible thread. He must have felt it, too, because surrounded by boys at the bus circle, helping with luggage, he stopped what he was doing, turned and looked at her. They shared a fleeting, private smile of conspiracy, then went back to their duties.
“Papa! It’s Papa!” Julian went into a frenzy, waving the Fledglings sign like a white flag of surrender. “Connor, my papa’s here!” the kid practically screamed. He ditched the banner and went speeding through the crowd.
“It’s the Nutty Professor,” Connor said to Lolly as they went to greet Louis Gastineaux.
He was heavyset and jovial, with thick glasses and ill-fitting pants pulled up high over his waist, and a short-sleeved shirt in a very strange shade of yellow. Julian was so excited he ricocheted everywhere, tugging his father along as he showed him around.
“You’re going to miss Julian, aren’t you?” Lolly said.
“I’ve been missing him since I was eleven years old,” Connor admitted. “Weird little guy.”
“Then I’m glad you had this summer. Maybe next year, you’ll both come back.”
He grinned at her. “Maybe. Assuming your grandparents—crap.” His grin disappeared.
“What’s the matter?” she asked, but she didn’t need to hear his answer. His own father, Terry Davis, came driving up in the maintenance truck. Julian, who genuinely liked Mr. Davis, pulled Louis over to meet him.
“Excuse me,” Connor said, and went to join his father.
Lolly watched them from a distance, two fathers and two sons, each of them broken in some way. She understood that Connor loved his father, but that his pain and shame over Terry’s drinking had taken a toll on both of them.
“That’s the boy you’ve been seeing all summer?” asked a voice behind Lolly.
Oh, cripes. Lolly turned with slow reluctance. “Hi ya, Mom. When did you get here?”
“An hour ago, but you didn’t notice.” Lolly’s mother had flawlessly styled hair and makeup, and she wore a perfect outfit—a crisp cotton dress and low-heeled sandals, designer shades and a beige Chanel tote bag. Beside her, Lolly felt grubby and unkempt.
She gave her mother a brief hug. “Come and meet Connor.”
Her mother stiffened, radiating resistance from every fiber of her being. “I don’t think that’s necessary.”
Lolly gave a little snort of disbelief. “My first real boyfriend, and you don’t want to meet him?”
“Sweetie, there’s really no point. We’re all going our separate ways tomorrow, anyway.”
“I know what you’re really thinking,” she said, affecting a snobbish, boarding-school accent. “You don’t consider it appropriate for your daughter to associate with the likes of Connor Davis.”
“Don’t be snide.”
“Then come and meet him. Mom, he’s so great, I know you’re going to like him.” Lolly stopped when she saw her mother watching Connor, with his long hair and slightly punked-out look, standing next to his father, who was wearing a work coverall and smoking a cigarette. Nearby were the Nutty Professor and his biracial kid. Noting the expression on her mother’s face, Lolly decided to give up. Her mother was never going to like Connor, no matter what, so she might as well not subject him to the awkward introduction.
“I have to go,” she said. “I promised to help with the appetizers for tonight. The kitchen has too many eggs left over, so we’re making a zillion deviled eggs.”
As she headed for the main lodge, she forced herself to shrug off her mother’s skepticism and focus on the coming evening. She was intercepted by Jazzy Simmons, who scuttled over, her posture conspiratorial. “Don’t forget,” she said, “leave the ice machine on, at least until we fill the keg barrels.”