Authors: Nicola Yeager
After five uncomfortable minutes, I finally manage to pour myself into it and it only remains for the zip up the back to be pulled up. There’s a long lead attached, but I can’t do it. I feel like I’m going to dislocate my shoulder trying.
I suddenly get a flashback to Lucille helping Kirstan get his wetsuit undone when his lead got caught in the zip. Could that really have been close on eight years ago? I feel tears in my eyes again. I wipe them away. I really don’t know what’s wrong with me. I clear my throat to compose myself.
I open the door of the changing cubicle to see Kirstan talking to Janica. She’s moaning about her last lesson. Something about the girl thinking it was only fifteen minutes she’d booked when she’d actually booked an hour.
I cough to attract their attention. ‘I’m going to need help with this zip, I’m afraid.’
Janica walks over and does me up. ‘Are you feeling better, honey? I was worried about you out there.’
‘Much better now, thanks.’
‘You sure you want to go ahead with this? Don’t feel dizzy or anything like that? See – if you die, we get into an awful lot of trouble,’ She turns to Kirstan, ‘Just like that girl that died last week, Kirst. I thought we’d never get out of the police station. My jaw ached from lying.’
‘I’m fine. Really.’ It’s so odd being around people who make jokes all the time.
Janica indicates Kirstan with a nod of her head. ‘I take it you two know each other from before? Either that or he’s getting much too familiar and impolite with the clients.’
‘A bit, yeah. From a long time ago.’ says Kirstan, quickly making eye contact with me.
‘Ah. That’s nice.’ says Janica, grinning.
Wetsuits like this are really tight fitting. I can see Kirstan looking at me again and I’m sure I notice a little frown. He looks mischievous.
‘Can I ask you a personal question?’
Here it comes. I knew he’d notice. Well, I’m not going to apologise. This is me now. I’m not the person he knew in Cornwall. Loads of women have this done nowadays. I’ve got nothing to be ashamed of.
‘Yes, you can. Sure.’
‘Are you sure you don’t mind? I don’t want to offend you.’
‘You won’t offend me. What is it?’
‘Can you swim?’
I must look shocked. I swallow nervously. ‘Yes. Yes I can. I finally learned about five years ago. I swim a couple of times every week.’
‘Good. Good. We won’t be going right out in the depths, but I just wanted to make sure you’d be confident in the water.’
‘Oh. OK. Yes. I should be fine.’
His smile cracks into a laugh. ‘Look at your face! You thought I was going to mention your boob job, didn’t you!’
I open my mouth to speak, but nothing comes out. My outraged expression will have to do. I’d forgotten his sense of humour. It’s all coming back now.
Janica looks astonished for a second, then laughs, too, punching Kirstan on the arm. ‘Aw! You big meanie! Come here, honey. Surfer cuddle!’
She walks over and puts her arms around me, Kirstan doing the same from behind. I can feel my ribcage being crushed. Despite the pain, I’m smiling. I don’t think I’ve smiled like this for years. I can feel the tears forcing their way out again.
There’s a slight, warm breeze as we walk down the beach. It feels good on my face and it blows my hair around a little. I’m suddenly feeling a little thirsty for some reason, but we can always get something at one of the beach bars after this lesson has finished.
I’m also feeling a little self-conscious; this is the first time we’ve been alone since my funny turn at the hotel. I hope he doesn’t mention that again. He probably will, though. What am I doing? On top of that, why would I be thinking we’d be going to a beach bar when the
lesson’s finished? Would I do that with a normal instructor? Obviously not. I’ve got to focus. Keep it together. Get a grip.
A couple of people wave and high-five Kirstan as we walk down the beach. It’s eerie. This is what used to happen in Cornwall. In fact, I’m starting to get a weird sense of déjà vu. I watch him out of the corner of my eye. We used to walk on the beach exactly like this. It’s almost as if those eight years never happened. I start to feel upset again, so put those thoughts out of my head.
It’s still only around three, so the beach is quite crowded, but we keep walking until we get to a clearer spot, with a quiet stretch of beach and fewer swimmers. It seems insane that I’ve been swimming in a chlorinated pool with this beautiful blue sea nearby. Kirstan turns to look at me.
‘This is really weird, isn’t it?’
‘A bit, yeah.’
‘You and me, after all this time.’
‘I agree.’
‘You know – I haven’t seen you for years and years and now I’m giving you a surfing lesson in bloody Portugal, of all places.’
‘Yeah. It’s weird. It feels weird talking to you.’
‘Yeah. Feels weird talking to you, too. How are you, anyway?’
‘Fine. You?’
‘Yeah. Fine.’
‘Good.’
‘How’s Lucille?’
‘Fine. Still doing the photographs. She has her stuff in galleries now.’
‘She got a bloke?’
‘Paul. Nice guy. A florist.’
‘Good. She was a nice, nice-looking girl. I’d have been upset if she was with some wanker. So many girls I’ve known who were lovely when they were young end up with total fuckheads.’
I’ve got a cold feeling in my stomach. I’m afraid. I’m afraid of what he’ll ask me and what I’ll have to tell him. I’m afraid of what he’ll think. It’s ridiculous, I know, but it’s as if I’ve been unfaithful to him with Franklin and I don’t want him to find out. I don’t want him to get suspicious. I must be mad. I wonder if there’s anything I can Google about situations like this? Probably not. I’ll have to handle it the old-fashioned way.
He removes the fin from the back of the surfboard and places the board flat on the sand. He places his hands on his hips, looks at the board and looks at me. Despite his amusing comments about my boob job, he keeps looking at me and I think he likes it. I think he likes my blonde hair, too, or at least he’s intrigued by the difference it makes. I like him looking at me like that, I decide.
‘OK. Right. Let’s crack on then, shall we? There’s a load of health and safety bollocks I’m meant to tell you, but I’m sure you know what’s what by now. Don’t worry about standing up in the water today. We’ll just see if we can get you as far as lying on the board and riding it in that way.’
‘Sure. OK.’
It feels warm and sticky inside the wetsuit and I can’t wait to get in the water.
‘Now, you’ve seen me do this loads of times, if your memory stretches back that far. We’ll do it on the sand, so to speak, and then we’ll go in the water once you’ve got it all in your head. We won’t be going in deep; just so the water’s up to your waist.’
‘It’s hot, isn’t it?’
‘Yeah, I know. It’s the summer. So are you here with a boyfriend or husband? Or one of each?’
Oh, shit. Here we go.
‘Boyfriend.’
‘Right. You must be doing pretty well for yourself. This has to be the most expensive hotel in the region.’
‘I know. It’s lovely. Great food. Lots of facilities.’
‘Well, yeah. Right. First of all, you’ve got to lie flat on the board. When you’re in the water, just drag yourself up it, or get onto it from the side. Doesn’t matter how you do it, you’ve just got to end up lying on it. Have a go and I’ll adjust your position.’
I lie down on the board. I feel silly.
‘It this OK?’
‘You’re a bit too far up towards the front. Go down about a foot. That’s it. Not too uncomfortable for you is it? Lying on your chest like that?’
‘Very funny.’
‘I’m the wittiest guy on the beach.’
‘I wouldn’t have guessed it unless you told me.’
‘Ouch.’
I adjust my position as instructed. I keep making eye contact with him all the time. That’s got to stop. I can feel my heart beating. I can imagine Lucille standing a few feet away, watching intently and laughing to herself.
‘OK. When you’re in the water, you have to keep looking behind you. When you see a likely wave swelling up, you get on the board, just like you are now. Then you have to paddle. You have to paddle so the board is going at the same speed as the wave. Then you’ll feel it carry you along. Do the paddling action so I can take a look at it.’
I feel even sillier. I paddle away and my hands keep hitting the sand. It feels really uncomfortable.
‘So what does your boyfriend do?’
‘He’s in the oil exploration business.’
‘Sounds exciting! When you’re paddling, lift your head up and look straight ahead. When you feel the wave taking the board, slide your hands back and grip the sides. Elbows out sideways. You’re getting ready to push yourself up now.’
This is difficult as the board is flat on the sand, but I manage to grip the sides to Kirsten’s satisfaction.
‘That’s it! That’s good! Now hands flat on the board and raise your upper body. Like you’re starting to do a push-up. I bet that feels more comfortable, eh?’
He laughs at his own gag. I can’t get upset. I know he’s just trying to make me feel at ease with him. I push myself up. My shoulders hurt with the effort.
‘What about you? Girlfriend? Wife? Concubine?
Lady boy?’
‘Wife? Me? Ha! Got a
lady boy, though. It’s the done thing out here. Still pre-op, ‘cause that’s the way I like it.’
‘I thought as much.’
‘Now you get into the crouching position. Get whichever knee you favour right under your chin. Try and feel comfortable, like it’s a well-balanced stance.’
I get my right knee under my chin. My back aches. I wobble slightly. God, this is difficult and I’m not even in the bloody water yet. Kirstan watches me and frowns slightly.
‘Does that feel natural? Your right knee forward like that? Right foot forward on the board?’
‘Yes. Why?’
‘No probs. Most people put their left one forward. If doing the right feels more natural, you may be a Goofy foot.’
‘A what?’
‘Goofy foot. That’s what they call people who lead with their right foot.’
‘Why is it called that?’
‘Well, there is a story behind that, but I don’t know if it’s true. I’ll tell you later. Right. So you’re feeling well-balanced, now you stand. You keep looking straight ahead, not at your feet, and stick your arms out like you would if you were on a tightrope. This, hopefully, will help you keep your balance. That’s it. You’re surfing. Except you’re on the sand and the board isn’t moving.’
Some kids walk by and look at me. They start laughing when I start to wobble and almost fall off. We go through all those stages another six or seven times until Kirstan decides that I’ve got them in my head. I’m perspiring inside my wetsuit now and feeling very uncomfortable.
‘So how long have you and your boyfriend been together? I don’t think you told me his name.’
‘It’s Franklin. About two years.’
‘Everything OK?’
‘What’s that meant to mean?’
Stupid. Stupid response. Keep it together.
‘Janica’s a very attractive girl. Are you and she…’
‘Ha! No. Janica’s not into guys. Beautiful, isn’t she? She’s really funny and a great surfer. We go out on the west coast from time to time. Great Atlantic rollers. Really scary at times, but it’s a real blast out there. I almost got killed, actually, about, um, three weeks ago now. It was really exciting.’
‘God almighty. You’ve not changed much, have you?’
He smiles, but I can tell it’s a fake smile. ‘Right. You’ve got the sequence in your mind. The only problem is, is that when you’re in the water, you’ve got to do all of that in one fast, fluid movement; get on the board, paddle, paddle, paddle, push up, crouch, stand, surf. But don’t worry, we’ll take it step by step. Come on. Let’s go in the sea.’
He fixes the fin back on the board and we walk into the shallows. It’s so gloriously hot that I wish I could just run in in my swimsuit. The water feels cool on my feet. It’s only when we’re about fifteen feet out and the water is waist high that that awful sensation of the wetsuit filling up with water kicks in.
‘Ugh!’
‘Yeah. It’s a nice feeling, isn’t it. All that water creeping up your legs. Don’t worry. It’ll be over soon. Right. Let’s wait for a suitable wave and see if you can ride it into the beach. Just
hold the board steady and get ready. No pressure to stand up. Just ride it in lying down if you can.’
We stand in the water and wait. He smiles at me and I smile back. It’s almost like a dream. It’s like something that could have happened eight years ago, but much warmer and sunnier. I hold onto the board. It’s difficult. The water is making it bob up and down.
‘You look good, baby.’
Is that the hint of a choke I heard in his voice just then? I can feel tears in my eyes again. I must be becoming emotionally incontinent.
‘Kirstan…’
‘OK! Here it comes! Get ready! Get on the board – paddle, paddle, paddle!’