Summer Son (16 page)

I stripped the rest of his clothes from his body and laid my lips on all his favorite places while he bunched my sheets in his fists and let me.

There was no protection discussion anymore: we both had our results back and were clean. I would have, if he wanted me to, but I got the impression he preferred it bare, and I did too. It was a statement of trust. We both knew this was an exclusive relationship. No one else was going to touch him.

“Just me,” I whispered as I knelt on the bed and reached into the nightstand for lube.

Zane’s eyelids fluttered open, and he nodded.

I sat back on my heels between his open knees and lifted one of his legs so his ankle was resting on my shoulder. I teased him with one finger circling his hole, smearing lube there, then one finger hooked just inside him. Although begging words never left his lips, his body did the pleading for him, with rocking hips and twitching fingertips.

“Ellis,” he said, and I couldn’t take it anymore. I bent him in half and pushed my cock inside him with one smooth knife-in-butter push. His hard exhale tickled the hairs on my neck, and I kissed him, trying to pour everything I had into showing him.
This is what I am. This is how I feel for you.

Zane’s foot was still hooked over my shoulder, and I kept it there as I moved inside him, loving how open and raw this made him. The brown of his eyes disappeared altogether, turning them black.

His whispered name was like a mantra, repeated because I had nothing else to say. It was all him.

Strong fingers curled around my biceps, and Zane started lifting himself into each of my thrusts. It was hard, raw, powerful, all of the different ways I loved him.

His ability to come hands-free was still pretty incredible to me. His fingers clenched harder, and his whole body contracted as he painted himself with come. The sight of that was too much—I let go and came hard, deep inside him.

After, I rolled onto my back and brought Zane with me so he was sprawled across my chest. I liked him there; it felt like he fit. While his breathing slowed back to normal, I traced patterns over the expanse of his back, teasing his shoulder blades and the dimples in his ass.

“Ellis?”

“Hmm?”

“I love you too.”

There were no words for that. I pressed my lips to his forehead and let go.

O
N
M
ONDAY
morning I dropped Zane off at his class, then drove across town to the office where the lawyer who had handled the divorce worked. Linda McKey was fire wrapped in pastels—quiet, calm, and deadly.

She had come highly recommended when things turned nasty between Oliver and me and it became clear that we weren’t going to be able to have a quick divorce with one lawyer representing us both. Having her on my side again was good for a few reasons: she’d won for me before, and she knew the background between me and my ex-husband, which meant I didn’t have to explain it to a stranger.

When I arrived at the office, I expected to make an appointment to go back and see her again later, but the receptionist said Linda was free and I could go straight through. I didn’t have any toys for Harrison with me and prayed that he’d behave.

Linda greeted me with a warm smile and a handshake, then ushered me into a seat.

“Good to see you, Ellis,” she said.

“You too. Although I wish it was under better circumstances.”

“Oh dear.”

She took a stress ball from her desk, one shaped like a baseball, handed it to Harrison to distract him, and sat back in her chair.

I took a deep breath and started to explain. Linda listened intently, even when I transferred Harrison from my lap to the floor so he was out of the way.

“So, I’m expecting him to be in contact, and I want to be prepared.”

Linda was quiet for a long moment; then she sighed. “That fucking man.”

“I know.”

“All right. Leave it with me.”

“Is that it?”

She shrugged. “It could have been an idle threat. ‘I’ll call my lawyer.’ ‘Well, I’ll call mine first.’ You know how it is. It might come to nothing. If he’s messing with the terms of the custody agreement, though, that’s good to know. I’ll check out the details and let you know if you can fire the first shot.”

“I don’t want to do that. If he doesn’t do anything, then I won’t either.”

Linda gave me a long, even stare. “What if he tries it again?”

“What? Not giving Harrison back? I know where he lives now. I can go back and get him.”

“What if he takes Harrison and runs? It wouldn’t be the first time that’s happened.”

“I… I….” I stuttered. “I don’t know.”

“He could. In theory. If he’s already in breach of the court order, then we can ask for things like forced supervision while he has Harrison. I don’t want to scare you, Ellis, but the last thing I want is for you to find yourself in a kidnap situation.”

“I don’t think he’d do that.”

“You didn’t think he’d divorce you. You didn’t think he’d ask for the paternity test. You didn’t think he’d refuse to give Harrison back just because you got a new boyfriend.”

I slumped back in the chair. “Ouch.”

“Sorry for being a bitch.”

She wasn’t sorry at all. I could tell.

“Look, I’m not going to charge you for this, and if I do some digging on my own time, then you can’t do anything about that. The decision to go back to the judge is yours alone.”

“Okay. Thank you.”

“Don’t thank me yet. There’s plenty of bitch left if you ignore me.”

I laughed, rose to shake her hand, then hoisted Harrison back up onto my hip.

“See you later,” I said as we headed for the door.

“I hope not,” she replied.

A
FTER
Z
ANE
had spent five consecutive nights sleeping in my bed, I asked him.

“Why don’t you just move in here?”

My fingers didn’t stop their journey through the silky strands of his hair, so I felt him stiffen beside me. He shifted around on the couch so we were face-to-face.

“Are you serious?”

“Yeah. You barely go back to your apartment anyway, and I miss you when you do. I’d like it if you stayed.”

“I don’t know, El,” he said heavily. “We’ve only been together a few months….”

“You don’t have to. It’s an open offer, and… we’d save money on rent and stuff, so it would be practical…. I’d make sure there was space for all your art supplies.”

“Are you sure? I mean, really sure? Because that’s a hell of an offer, Ellis. Especially with….”

He didn’t need to say any more. We hadn’t heard from Oliver yet, although we were both of the opinion it was more a question of when rather than if. Despite our recent declarations of love, Zane remained convinced that it would be better for both Harrison and me if he were to leave, or at least distance himself from us. I was convinced he was overreacting, and even if he wasn’t, I didn’t want him to go.

There was no way I was going to be forced into making Sophie’s choice, between the man I loved and my child. And I was even more vehemently against being forced into any decision by Oliver.

“Look,” I said gently, reaching for his hand and smoothing my thumb over his knuckles, “if it comes down to a battle, I would much prefer to show the judge that I’m in a committed, loving relationship with a man who is a solid and positive presence in my son’s life, rather than admitting I’d dumped you as soon as Oliver put the pressure on us.”

“But—”

“The three of us are tied together now. Me, you, and Harrison.”

“I don’t want to be the reason you lose him.”

“You won’t be.”

“You can’t know that.”

“Honey, if you don’t want to live here, that’s fine. I promise. I like the way things are, and if you’re not ready to change them, I respect that. I really do. But for fuck’s sake, don’t let my ex come between us.”

“What do you want from this relationship, El?” he asked, looking at his fingers rather than at me. “Do you want more kids? To get married one day?”

He was right. This was too much, too soon, but I’d asked, and he deserved answers. “No, I don’t want to get married,” I said. “I’ve done that, and I don’t ever want to go through it again.”

“I’m guessing you’re talking about the divorce, rather than the marriage.”

“Yeah,” I said with a small laugh.

“What if you just got married? No divorce?”

“Zane—”

“It’s okay,” he said. “You don’t have to answer.”

“I’m sure marriage is right for some gay couples. I really am. And I will fight until my last breath for everyone’s right to be allowed to marry whoever they want. But for me? I don’t think it’s right. I’m just not supposed to be a married man.”

“Bullshit,” he said vehemently. “Is this the message you’re going to give your son as he grows up? That if you try something once and it doesn’t work out, don’t bother trying again because it’s probably not right for you?”

“This is different….”

“Like fuck it is, Ellis. You love me. You said it yourself. You want me to live here, to make this our family. And I want that too. But I’m not going to be your live-in babysitter and part-time lover.”

“Is this an ultimatum? We get married or nothing?”

“Of course it’s not. I just need to know that one day, when it’s right for us, we’ll make this official and permanent and meaningful.”

“And that has to be marriage? Our relationship doesn’t mean anything unless there’s rings and vows involved?”

He growled and surged up off the sofa, running his fingers through his hair. It had grown out a lot since we met.

“I want children,” he said when he eventually turned back to me, still standing. “I want Harrison to be one of those children, but I want more. I want to live in the city and take vacations in the country. If we’re going to be a family, I want everything that comes with that.”

“I want all of those things too.”

“But you won’t ever marry me.”

I shook my head. “No,” I said gently. “I’m sorry.”

The look of pure devastation that rolled across his face almost changed my mind. Zane gave me a tiny smile, kissed me on the cheek, and left. I guessed we wouldn’t see him again in a hurry.

Two days later I got a message saying Oliver wanted to go back to court to fight for custody of Harrison. I thought about telling Linda that Zane was out of the picture now, that Oliver’s main objection wasn’t even an issue.

Unfortunately, the stubborn streak in me insisted on taking Oliver to the cleaners. He wasn’t going to put me or my son in that position again. So I told Linda to ask that Oliver’s visitation rights be suspended while the case was being investigated because I was worried he would try to kidnap my child. I wasn’t likely to win that, but it sent a strong statement: I wasn’t about to roll over and play nice.

The claws were out.

Levon and Naema returned from Rome with a diamond the size of the Colosseum on her finger and a promise that they were planning on getting married sooner rather than later. Nae came to see me separately, since I couldn’t make her “welcome home” party for being so busy on Meg’s project.

In honesty, I’d been hiding from the people who would surely call me out on what had happened between Zane and me. I was also slightly terrified of running into him if he was with the rest of the group, and I’d have to act like my heart wasn’t screaming for him to come home. And on top of all that, I was starting to feel deeply ashamed of myself.

“What’s this I hear about you and Zane breaking up?” she asked as I made tea in the kitchen.

I shook my head. “I don’t want to talk about it.”

“Oh, come on, El,” she said. “I was your fucking shoulder to cry on before. I’ll be it again.”

“We just… want different things,” I said with a shrug, feigning nonchalance.

“Bullshit,” she said succinctly.

“Nae—”

“No, don’t,” she interrupted. “Zane was at the party last night, and he looked fucking miserable. So don’t you dare try and tell me this is for the best, or that you’re both happier this way, because that’s bullshit, Ellis. You love him.”

“I believe you told me that once before.”

“I did. And I was as right then as I am now.”

“But what can I do, Nae? He wants to get married and have kids.”

“So fucking what? So did you, once upon a time.”

“Yeah, and I had my happily ever after that wasn’t,” I snapped. “I don’t know how to give him what he wants.”

“Of course you do,” she said gently, encouraging me to gather her up into my arms and laying her head on my chest. “You’re doing it already.”

“Kids, Nae,” I murmured. “He wants kids.”

“So what? You’ve got one already. What’s another three or four?”

“We’d need to move.”

“And?”

“And I don’t know if I want to stay in the city forever.”

“Neither does he.”

“He’s so fucking young.”

“He’ll be twenty-three in a couple months. You and Oliver were already living together by then.”

“You’re a very argumentative woman.”

“Thank you.”

I laughed softly and squeezed her tighter.

Chapter 12