Authors: Delia Delaney
“Well, I’d better let you guys go. It was nice to meet you, Felix. Maybe I’ll s
ee you the next time we play you guys
, right?”
With a smile he replied, “Sure, that sounds good. It was nice to meet you, as well. And I’m really sorry about Gage’s father.”
I nodded. “Thank you
.”
He got in the car, deciding to take the passenger’s seat, but Harlan just remained standing where he was. It felt awkward to say departing words to him after the time we’d spent together, especially with his brother sitting in the car waiting for him.
I was very grateful for Harlan’s friendship, so
I decided to just give
him
a hug,
thanking
him for looking after me.
“And thank you for the laughs,” I added with a smile as I pulled away from him. “And be careful on the dual carriageway.”
He lightly laughed. “Only if you lie on the settee whilst you watch the
telly
.”
“Yeah, I can do that. The distraction will be good.”
“Okay, then. I’ll see you soon.” He leaned forward and gave me a tiny kiss on the cheek, and then he got in his car. He didn’t waste any
time pulling out of the driveway, and he disappeared down the street.
With a sigh I returned to the house, and I really did sit down in front of the TV, but I only stared at it instead of watched it. Dawn came home around ten, and she seemed to be more informed about Gage’s whereabouts than I was. His parents had been taken to Sacred Heart in Eugene, and even though the news
about his father hadn’t changed
like I’d been praying for, his mom was at least stable now. She was heavily sedated because of the injuries she’d sustained, but so far whatever was done to save her life had worked.
Dawn had talked to Wyatt, who was still at the hospital with the family, but when she’d inquired about Gage, all Wyatt had to say was that Gage
had been silent
. He mostly just sat in the corner of his mom’s room, or the waiting room, and said nothing.
I truly didn’t know what to think about that, and as I pictured Gage and the heartache he must be feeling, I couldn’t help it when I shed some more tears. Dawn wasn’t used to seeing me cry, so she didn’t know what to say. I only took myself to the spare bedroom so she didn’t have to deal with it.
I felt a little bit of relief a
round eleven o’clock
, when I received a text message from Gage. I
t
was a
reply that read:
I love you
too
.
Chapter Eleven
I stayed at my sister’s
for the rest of the
week, forcing myself to go to w
ork for the next three days,
trying not to bother Gage with texts too often. I understood that he didn’t want to talk, and I couldn’t blame him
for that
. I tried to remember Harlan’s advice to not expect anything, and it seemed to
help
.
Friday afternoon I decided to make a trip down to Eugene. I didn’t know if Gage wanted me there or not, but I chose to go anyway.
I hadn’t even talked to him yet—we only texted because he was usually at the hospital and didn’t want to have a phone conversation in public.
In texts he’d only said there was nothing I could do, and that I didn’t need to make the trip. But maybe he just wanted me there and didn’t want to say so, so I made a decision and left before I could change my mind.
When I got to Sacred Heart, Wyatt’s dad was the first family member that I saw. Rick told me that Gage had gone back to th
e hotel to get some rest—h
e’d barely gotten
any
all week. He briefly explained some of the news of late, and then gave me a room key with directions to the hotel. I was really nervous when I got to the room. I wanted Gage to be happy that I was there, but then I reminded myself that he might even feel the complete opposite.
I tried to keep Harlan’s advice in mind
and tried not to expect too much
.
There wasn’t an answer when I lightly knocked on the door, so I took the key and let myself in. The room was really dark—there were no lights on and
the curtains were tightly drawn,
and the air conditioning seemed to be blowing on high. When my eyes adjusted to the darkness I could
see that
there was one bed near the little sitting area, and it was empty. I ventured toward a short hall and found another bedroom, and I could tell that there was a figure lying on it.
I carefully sat on the edge of it where I could see Gage’s face, but I didn’t want to wake him up. However, he slightly stirred, and I felt his hand touch my thigh as he turned on
to
his back.
“Ellie?”
“Yeah, it’s me.”
He didn’t say anything at first, but then he moved over slightly. “Come here. Can I hold you?”
“Yeah,” I replied, feeling joyful for the occasion.
I climbed next to him and he gathered me in his arms. It felt so good to be near him again
.
I really enjoyed kissing him again too, but as our kissing intensified, our hands also got busier.
Loving Gage was really easy, b
ut doubt began to creep into my mind when his behavior seemed a little desperate, and I began to really question what his feelings were stemming from. I was torn between giving him the comfort that he needed
temporarily,
and
doing what might be best for our relationship in the long run.
I wished there were free passes when it came to t
hese kinds of decisions in life
because I would much rather leave it up to someone that knew better than I did.
“God, give me a pass on this decision,” I would say. “I’m incapable of making it right now, so please tell me what to do.”
I’d made up my mind by then, and I slowed down the passion between us.
“Gage?”
“Mm
m?”
“Can we talk for a minute?”
He stopped kissing me and took a deep breath. We were silent for quite a while, except for our breathing trying to settle down, and then he
replied
, “Okay.”
We separated just slightly and I propped myself up on my elbow, still with my other arm around his waist.
“What’s the matter?” he asked
, turning on the lamp
. He smoothed back my hair with his fingers while I studied the stubble that had been roughing
up
my face just moments ago.
“I just want to know how you’re doing,” I replied softly. “I haven’t even heard your voice for a few days.”
He was quiet for a few
seconds
as he seemed to be staring at the
wall
. When he looked at me again he said, “I just haven’t felt like talking about it yet.”
“Yeah, I understand that. And I’m really sorry for what you’re going through, Gage. But I just want you to know that I love you and I want you to be okay.
I want to help you get through this.
”
“I’m fine.”
“Well can you just…tell me
how you’re doing? What you’re thinking? What you’re feeling?”
He stared at the
wall
again and the look on his face reminded me of myself wh
en I was a teenager. It was an “
I’m on
ly tolerating this conversation”
kind of look.
He looked at me again and said, “ ‘S
haring my feelings’ isn’t going to make
it any better. I’m not going to all of a sudden feel grateful for this ‘learning opportunity’ in my life. This—whatever it is—
trial
. I don’t want to think about all of that right now.”
“Okay, I understand.” I really did, and I felt bad for requesting such a confession from him. “I’m sorry, I just don’t know what I should do or say.”
“What was happening a few minutes ago was perfect,” he smiled wryly.
I returned the smile and he slid his hand behind my neck
and pulled me closer to him. I had to
assume that was the only thing on his mind
, and it was really hard to turn him down.
“What
?” he asked when I
hesitated
.
I sighed. “I just think the timing isn’t right.
”
“Uh, are you worried about being interrupted? Because my uncle is staying at the hospital until I get there to relieve him, and my sister left for Medford this morning to take care of things for when my mom comes home. Well she’s not going
home
right away, but she’s being transferred to another hospit
al down there tomorrow. Anyways…
Ellie
,
I’m so glad you’re here. It’s made me realize how much I’ve missed you and how much I need to be around you. Thank
you for coming. Thank you for…
knowing how much I needed to see you.”
I was affected, I’ll admit it, and I let him kiss me some more. Gage and I had a great relationship, and I was trying to justify our actions over and over again, but I just couldn’t shake the feeling that was telling me to stop, and I could even hear the voice that the advice was coming from.
“Gage, let’s stop, okay?”
He did stop right away, but I didn’t like the look he gave me. He almost looked pissed, and that took me completely by surprise. Gage was never one to get upset about not getting his way, and especially with me, he had never made me feel insignificant. But at that moment I did
, and I wasn’t sure what to do about it. I may have reacted another way had the circumstances been different, but I was trying to take into account all that Gage had been going through. I was trying to
be understanding
.
“I take it we’re done here, right?” he asked. He sat up and put his feet on the floor, turning his back to me.
“Gage,” I sighed. “I just… I think we’re rushing things right now. I don’t want to make a mistake. You mean too much to me.”
“Uh, that’s kind of ironic, isn’t it? You come here, don’t mind being all over me,
tell me you love me and want to help me, and then you choose not to
just let us be together
. The choice is yours to make—I get that—but when, Ellie? When is our relationship going to take the next step?”
“I guess when it’s going to be about you and me, and not you and your anger.
Listen to yourself, Gage. This isn’t you.
Is it
? Because if it is, then I don’t know how I’ve been so blinded the past six weeks.
”
He groaned and rubbed his face with his hands. “Is this you telling me that I’m a jerk?
Just because I want to have a stronger relationship with you?
Just because I want to be closer to you?”
“No, this is
me
telling you that you’re not acting like yourself, and I’m really worried about things changing between us because of it. Can you see that? Can you understand how I feel, how that worries me? I want it to be about
us
, Gage. Not about you.”
His shoulders seemed to slump.
“I didn’t realize you
have
different feelings for me than I do for you.”
“That’s not it at all. I do love you, and I do want what you want.
But I’m a little scared that this is happening because of other feelings that you’re experiencing. Gage, your dad just died, your mom is in the hospital…”
He turned to face me. “So because I lost my father, you can’t believe how
much I love
you, Ellie? You think that the only reason I started kissing you like that is because I miss my
dad
?” I didn’t respond and he slightly shook his head. “In case you didn’t know, you are so beautiful,
Ambrielle Abbott
. Not just on the outside, but I
love
who you are as a person. You brighten my day no matter what, and whenever I can’t be with you, all I think about is when I’m going to see you again. Yeah, this week has been really tough, but I think—no, I
know
—it’s been even harder because I shut you out.
I realize that now, and I’m sorry for that. And I’m sorry for acting like such a
n
ass
, but I was just…kind of confused I guess. I was letting my feelings for you move things faster than you were comfortable with, and I’m really sorry for being so selfish.”
I was a little speechless.
I had assumed his behavior had everything to do with losing his father, and of course he could still feel that way and not realize it, but I had no doubt what his feelings were for me.