Summer's Road (18 page)

Dee went inside the house with her bag.

I waited until the door closed before speaking. “You okay?”
Are we okay
? I pressed a hand to my stomach, but the queasiness didn’t cease.

Instead of answering, he dismounted the bike and leaned against it. Dark-tinted sunglasses masked his eyes, so I was unable to read anything from him. He crossed his ankles and folded his arms over his chest. Those arms had held me when my father died, had possessively cradled me last night after we’d made love. Now, his body language screamed to stay away. A scary, unwanted feeling rose inside me and I nearly lunged at him. His jaw clenched tight as he glanced away.

I struggled to find something to break the ice. “Where did you go?”

“For a drive. You?” His hard, clipped answer was like a slap.

“To get a pregnancy test.” His head whipped up. “For Dee,” I amended quickly.

He exhaled, his shoulders stiff. “We didn’t use protection the second time.”

I’d been so wrapped up in being with him, I hadn’t paid attention. Safety was important, but I trusted him. Besides, I hadn’t been with anyone in a long time. “I’m on the pill.”

He nodded, looked up at the house.

I couldn’t take this. Tears battered my throat. “Ian, I’m sorry.”

He stilled for several moments, then finally turned his head to look at me. “For last night or this morning?”

I rubbed the tension in my forehead, trying to get a grip on my emotions and keep the tears at bay. A bitter taste grew in my mouth and despite the humid heat, cold seeped all the way to my bones. “That night in your room at home, you said you wanted to talk, Ian. So talk.”

“Doesn’t matter. At first light, you took off right into his arms.” Every word ripped from his mouth as if I’d irreparably wounded him.

A swift, brutal jab of pain hit me square in the chest, stealing my breath. “I went over there to talk to him, to end it.”

“For three fucking hours?”

I flinched. “He wasn’t home. I—“

“Fine,” he said with a nod. “Fine, Summer. It’s undone. I’m waving a magic wand and last night never happened.”

“Ian…”

But he shoved off the bike and strode inside.

CHAPTER TEN

Five Years Ago—Age Nineteen

I
curled up in a ball on my bed, wishing Dee didn’t have a night class this evening. I badly needed a girl around. I didn’t know if it was normal to discuss these things with a mother, since I’d never had one, but girls
did
discuss sex with their girlfriends, right? I was just glad Daddy didn’t have a treatment today and had turned in early.

How stupid of me to have romanticized the idea of sex. There wasn’t a damn thing romantic about it. I had just decided at a party tonight to go ahead and get it over with. With some guy from my English Lit class. I was sick of the virgin moniker hanging over me and the opportunity arose. Everyone else had sex long before they were in their second year of college.

The guy, Jason, had a lot more to drink than me, but neither of us were drunk. I’d heard the first time wasn’t always good, but it had been terrible. He hadn’t done much by way of foreplay, and the burning had been awful. Not wanting him to know it was my first time, I’d lain there, biting my tongue and holding my breath. Luckily, he hadn’t lasted long and I was out of his dorm room before the condom had come off. My stomach was still cramping.

Showering at home, I had stood under the spray until the water ran cold and I was forced to step out. The whole thing had been mortifying.

“Hey.” Ian leaned on my bedroom doorway. “Do you have our chem book? I can’t find mine and I have a paper due…” He straightened suddenly. “What’s wrong?”

I stayed tight in a ball, but lifted my head. Ian had been at that party tonight, too, with some new chick glued to his side. He didn’t have girlfriends long enough to learn their names. He may have seen me leave with Jason.

Not wanting to worry him, I forced a smile. “Too much beer, not enough food.”

He grinned. “Lightweight.”

“Lush.” I jerked my chin. “My chemistry book is on the desk. Take it.”

Instead of grabbing the book, he came over to the other side of the bed and curled up with me. He covered us both with the blanket. “Go to sleep,” he whispered. “In the morning, eat a piece of white toast.” Arm around my belly, he spooned me, the heat from his body seeping into me.

I was pretty sure white toast wouldn’t fix this, but he didn’t need to know that. At least it was over with. I’d finally had sex and it could only get better from here, right?

Ian ran his fingers through my hair, apparently trying to dislodge my nonexistent hangover. Leaning into his hand, I closed my eyes.

“Summer?”

“Yeah.”

He sighed, dropping his forehead to my shoulder. “The first time...it always sucks. Especially for a girl.”

I blinked, lying still. “How did you know?”

“I know
you
. And I saw you leave with that guy.” He paused, and I got the impression he wanted to say more. Eventually, he sighed again. “He didn’t hurt you, did he? Do I need to kill him?”

Even after my crappy night, he pulled a smile from me. “No, he didn’t hurt me. No need for a murder charge tonight.”

Present

“
M
arshmallow?” Dee asked, shoving one in my face.

I pulled the white goo off her roasting stick and popped it into my mouth. The sugar rush did little to improve my mood.

The air smelled of campfire and saltwater, the night mild. A breeze blew in from the ocean, making the wild grass sway. It was a beautiful night. Great friends, gorgeous setting.

All I wanted to do was hop in my car and drive straight home.

Flanked between Matt and Ian, I stared at the glowing embers in the bonfire and tried to ignore the tension. Matt had arrived ten minutes after dusk, which meant I hadn’t had a chance to talk to him yet. Ian had picked up Jenny and shown up five minutes later. He hadn’t so much as looked at me or spoken a word.

The pain in my chest rose to a high point, boiling over and threatening to cripple me. How could he claim our night together hadn’t happened? Had it really meant that little to him or was he reacting out of anger? I hadn’t meant to hurt him by rushing out this morning, but the guilt was a living thing inside me, taking up space. Before I could set things straight with Ian, I needed to have it out with Matt. I hated this unresolved crap causing strain between all of us. Matt wasn’t oblivious either. He kept shooting looks at Ian.

Forget the bonfire. “I think I’m going in.” I stood and brushed the sand from my legs, hoping Matt would follow and I could get one issue out of the way. Later, I’d track Ian down.

Ian lifted his head, held my gaze in his impenetrable one for several moments, and then looked away. His jaw ticked.

“You’re going to miss the fireworks.” Dee pouted.

“You’ve seen one, you’ve seen them all.” Turning, I looked at Matt. “Can we talk upstairs?”

Matt stood. “Sure, beautiful.”

I could feel Ian’s gaze on my back with every step. The boom of the first warning firecracker went off as I walked up the house stairs, Matt right behind me. We stepped into the dark bedroom, not bothering with the light. On impulse, I went right to the window, watching the flash of the fireworks on numb autopilot. How was I supposed to do this? How was I supposed to break his heart?

Matt came up behind me, wrapping his arms around my waist, and planted a kiss on my neck. I glanced down at Ian on the beach, spine stiff as he faced the bonfire. A bereft hole of pain expanded in my chest.

I knew now what it was like to feel something potent for a man. All those years, wanting but not having. The ache and pleasure equally tormenting. Except now Ian seemed over it and I was left with the answers I’d always thought I wanted.

I turned and opened my eyes, half expecting to see Ian there. Instead, Matt stood before me. Tipping my head back, I smiled through the haze in my eyes.

He stared at me with a knowing look of resignation. He nodded, backed up a step. “You finally noticed, didn’t you?”

Willing the tears back, I blew out a breath. “Noticed what?”

His gaze darted toward the window and back to me. “Ian.” The name came out of his mouth in a coarse grunt.

Was I the only person in a thousand mile radius that had no idea Ian had… What? What exactly had Ian felt? “I did something last night that’s going to upset you and, I swear, the last thing I want to do is hurt you.”

Matt closed the gap between us and put his arms around me. “This is going to sound crazy, maybe a bit martyr-like, but I’m relieved you noticed what was going on with Ian.” He rested his chin on top of my head. “I’m not gonna lie to you. It bothered the hell out of me, but now that you know…”

Oh, God. I’m the worst person on the planet. “I slept with Ian last night.”

Matt froze, dropped his arms, and backed away from me.

Damn it. I hadn’t meant to spit it out like that.

Silence hung. The fireworks display through the window flashed a myriad of colors over his face.

“What?”

“God, Matt. I don’t know what to say.”

“With Ian?” His gaze darted to the window, betrayal in his eyes. “This is my fault. I was more concerned about you feeling trapped than what would happen if you found someone else. I guess I just thought if I gave you time and space, you’d come around.”

I tried to reach for him, but he took another step back and held up his palm. “I’m so very sorry.”

He didn’t throw an object at me or yell until he blew a blood clot or storm out of the room as I expected he might. Instead, he ran a hand over his face and started to pace. After several minutes, he turned to me from across the room, as if it disgusted him to be near me. I was appalled at how much that hurt. Before the romantic relationship and what I’d done, we were friends once.

“Did it mean anything?”

Unsure how to answer that, I remained silent. It meant everything, possibly ruined everything. Saying so would add insult to injury, plus I didn’t want to give him encouragement we could keep going.

“Did it mean anything?” he shouted.

I startled at his tone. Matt had never raised his voice before. He was always in control. Always calm and understanding. Tears fell unbidden down my cheeks. I cried alone usually, if at all, not wanting the weakness to show, the vulnerability. The worry in others’ eyes when they noticed pain from someone else.

I refused to wipe them away this time. “It doesn’t matter. Matt, I don’t think you and I are going to work out.”

His gaze softened as if he understood, had been expecting that answer. A distressed hint infused his eyes. He stepped closer. “I’m going to give you something I’ve been meaning to give you for over a year.”

Sniffing, I stared at him.

He stepped in front of me, his expression somber. “I’m going to give you this, Summer, and then I’m going to walk out that door. You think about it. I mean, really think about it. I’ll come to Charlotte in two weeks to see you. Two weeks. We’ll talk then.” Reaching in his pocket, he pulled out a small black box, held it up in emphasis, and set it down on the windowsill. “That’s where I was all day today. I drove back to Greensboro to get it.”

I gasped, my hand flying over my mouth. I glanced from the box to him and back to the box again.
No. Seriously? Oh God!
“Matt?”

“He’s loved you a long time, but so have I. And unlike him, I’d never hurt you. You won’t ever have to question whether you’re enough or if I’d stray from you.” His gaze swept over my face. “If he’s what you want, I can’t change your mind. I won’t be second place, Summer. We both deserve better than that.” He pointed to the box. “Don’t toss us aside just yet. Think about it.” He walked to the door. “Two weeks.”

The door closed behind him. Alone, I stood there, his words bashing around inside my head. The insecurity of whether I’d be enough for Ian or whether he’d need to move on to another woman was forefront in my mind. Matt was right about that. It had been a concern from the start. Ian may have already done that by claiming our night never happened.

But to accept Matt’s offer for that reason alone didn’t sit right. Yes, I cared about him. Deeply. He wasn’t The One, but how many people ever found their true mate, their other half? Settling for a good thing wasn’t the worst decision I could make. He would take care of me. I could trust him.

Except...except he wasn’t Ian.

When my hands shook and my eyes welled again, I picked up the box and opened it. The ring inside had tiny diamonds around the top of the band, with a large carat set in the center. Princess cut. Huge. Not something I would have picked. Still, it was lovely.

The thought of being alone, of not having a family of my own, weighed heavily. Was I forever destined to see doors closing, people walking? When would it be my turn for happy? When would someone stick around for me? With the exception of Rick and Dee, Ian was the only one who’d constantly been there. Until today. Today put a chasm of space between us, and I feared we’d never seal the gap.

I slid down the wall and into a heap on the floor, my body quaking from the force of the sobs.