Sunday Morning: A Damaged Novella (5 page)

I
wanted to stay away from Jodi. Well, want was the
wrong word. I needed to stay away from Jodi and allow her a chance to grow up.
Having her stay at my place made avoiding her completely impossible. I still
managed to minimize our time together.

If I stayed at the club until after midnight, she
was asleep when I arrived home. If I slept long enough, I awoke after she left
for school. The weekends were trickier, but I knew I could avoid her if I
really tried.

The problem was I didn’t fucking try.
Not
really.
Once I started imagining Jodi at my apartment, I could think of
nothing else.
What was she doing right then? Was she reading or watching TV?
Was her long, wavy blonde hair up in a ponytail or loose against her freckled
shoulders?

When I saw her asleep at night, I had trouble going
to bed. Sometimes, I ended up sitting in the living room and watching her for
hours. The light from the silent TV flickered on her serene face. I even found
myself wondering what she was dreaming.

I’d lost my fucking mind over a chick too young to
vote.

Once I began stalking my damn apartment, I gave up
and admitted I wanted to see her. That night, I returned home in time to
discover a recently showered Jodi eating mac and cheese in front of the TV. She
frowned at me, and I saw a flicker of worry in her eyes.

“Is something wrong?” she asked before I could.

“The club is boring after a certain age.”

“Poor old bastard,” she teased, taking a bite of
her food. “There’s some leftovers on the stove if you’re interested.”

This was how our new routine started. Me coming
home and eating cold mac and cheese while watching an episode of
Jake and
the Fatman
. We talked only a bit that first night. She said school was
boring. I asked why she didn’t quit. She said she had nothing else to do during
the day. That was it.

We watched the show, and then she crawled under the
blanket on the couch. I waited until she’d gone to sleep before I took a shower
and went to bed. Unable to sleep after so many years of staying up until after
three, I rested in bed for a long time while imagining Jodi at school.

The next day, I woke up when I heard her in the
kitchen. Even though we barely spoke, I ended up driving her to school. Jodi
liked the looks on people’s faces when they saw her get off my hog. I preferred
the look on her face when she saw me waiting for her after classes.

“Are you claiming me in front of all these high
school boys?” she taunted, climbing onto the back of the Harley.

“Do I need to?”

“No. None of them have any interest in me.”

“Fools,” I muttered.

Soon, we got into the habit of not going to the
apartment right after I picked her up from school. We’d ride for nearly an hour
sometimes, never going anywhere particular.

Often we ended up in Memphis, and I’d wonder about
leaving Chesterfield. There was a big fucking world outside of the shithole we
called home. I’d never cared to leave before. With Jodi in my life now, I was
thinking bigger.

“What do you want?” I asked Jodi one day after we
stopped for dinner at a greasy spoon outside of Memphis.

Somehow, she understood I wasn’t asking about the
food. I sensed we spent so much time together without talking that words
weren’t really necessary anymore.

Jodi shrugged at my question. “I want to be able to
breathe the way I can’t at the trailer park. I’d like to have a decent library
nearby so I can check out books,” she said and then focused her gaze on me.
“Mainly I want you. Beyond that, I don’t really care.”

Her gaze destroyed my confidence. I ought to be
able to handle a woman like a pro at my age. With Jodi, I felt lost between what
I wanted and what made sense.

“I’m not getting sappy with you,” I said, trying to
be a dick.

“You don’t need to. Every time you show up at
school, you’re sappy. Every time you come home early so we can hang out, you’re
sappy. I don’t need the words, Kirk.”

Being a dick went out the window, and I decided to
be honest. “I want to do right by you.”

“Why?”

“I figure someone should.”

Jodi nodded and lit a cigarette she wasn’t old
enough to buy legally. I was constantly reminding myself of her age to avoid taking
what I wanted.

“Why do you stay in Chesterfield?” she asked. “Is
it club loyalty?”

“I should say yes, but most of the guys I run with
aren’t worth my loyalty. They think being in the club is about pussy and fun.
They don’t care about each other. None even asked why I wasn’t hanging around
at night anymore. They should be curious or, at least, paranoid. When I notice
a guy’s pattern change, I wonder what he’s up to. They don’t.”

Jodi watched me with a devious expression, and I
knew she thought I ought to be in charge. For years, I was relieved not to call
the shots. Now I thought Jodi’s way of thinking might be right.

If I called the shots, things would be different.
I’d pick better men to run with and then expand our territory. Brotherhood
would matter more than getting laid. The Chesterfield Vandals had money coming
in, but we pissed it away on whores and drugs.

If I was the president, some of the club’s money
would be invested into the town. I’d buy businesses for more than laundering
money. The club would get involved in the local infrastructure, making us too
important for the locals to purge. If I were in charge, the club would be run
more like the mob and less like common thugs.

Tapping the table, I took a hit off her cigarette.
“You’re putting seeds in my head that’ll only grow into trouble.”

“That’s a pretty image you created there.”

“I’m serious.”

Jodi rolled her eyes. “You’re smart, but you run
with a dumb outfit. I don’t know shit about clubs, but I do know chaos, and
your club feels that way. I wouldn’t even be able to tell who’s in charge.”

She paused while our food arrived. I watched her
and wondered if she could handle knowing more about my life.

“You don’t create fear in people by being scary,”
she said, chewing on a fry. “You need to seem bigger. Endless. Unbreakable.
Make it seem like if some asshole came crashing into the club, they’d hit a
wall of men. Right now, it feels like a flimsy fence. That’s not your fault. If
you were in charge, things would be different because you’re different.”

I didn’t speak for a while. Eating, I considered
what she said. I knew she was right, but I also knew taking over could be
messy.

“What if you’re right, and I could change things
up, but I decide to sit on my ass and do nothing? Are you gonna give me grief
like one of those nagging wives who want their husbands to work harder to get a
promotion?”

“No, I’d be one of those wives relieved you came
home every day.”

I’d taken the conversation in an uncomfortable
direction. Jodi didn’t mind. She was already seeing us as long term, but I
doubted she could really imagine her life when she was twenty, let alone
thirty.

When I was young, I had dreams too. I wanted to be
a big shot and run the world. I didn’t want a single fucker ever to tell me
what the fuck to do. I was going to kill anyone who looked at me wrong. I
planned to burn down the world if it stood in my way.

Older and wiser, I picked my battles these days. I
didn’t run into stupid situations. I killed who needed killing. Fought for what
needed fighting for, but I wasn’t looking for anything more than to live
comfortably.

That was before Jodi.

She had me wanting more. I had fantasies in my head
about keeping her and taking over the club and living my life in the way that
only worked in dreams.

Jodi would likely outgrow me, or I’d disappoint
her. The club didn’t want new management, and I wasn’t really willing to spill
my brothers’ blood to take what I wanted.

Life wasn’t about unicorns and rainbows. It was
cold and unflinching. I survived by being smart. I didn’t see any reason to
embrace stupidity at the ripe old age of forty-two.

K
irk was my man long before we ever kissed. He drove
me to and from school. We ate most of our meals together. I woke up to find him
waiting for me and fell asleep with him watching me. The man loved me before
his lips ever met mine.

In the evening, we watched TV. Sometimes, we
talked. Sometimes, we didn’t. At first, Kirk sat in a chair, keeping his
distance. One night, he plopped down on the couch while I made popcorn. I
wanted so badly to say something about the change.
Was he finally admitting
he wanted me? Could we stop pretending to be friends or that he was only a nice
man letting me live at his place?

Kirk wasn’t ready that night to admit anything. I
saw how his jaw clenched whenever I looked at him. He still struggled, so I
gave him space.

Weeks stretched into months. I only saw my mother
once when I dropped by for Thanksgiving. She asked if I was knocked up yet. I
said I loved her, but she could go fuck herself. It was one of our better
conversations.

The Christmas lights from the small tree in the
corner hypnotized me. This apartment felt like my home, and the man at my side
was my love.

I wanted to seduce Kirk. In my fantasies, I’d
imagined seducing him a thousand times. Most days at school, I daydreamed about
kissing Kirk. I considered what to say, how to move, and even what I might
wear.

Before Kirk, I’d only kissed one guy, and his lips
were sloppy. I hadn’t hated it, but I never wanted a repeat. I even wondered if
I wasn’t a sexual person. Not wanting sex would be an excellent way to avoid
becoming my mother.

Except with Kirk, I knew I wanted sexy. In fact, I
constantly thought about touching him.

Finally, I worked up the courage to make my
fantasies real.

“How often do you shave?” I asked, sitting on my
knees and caressing his stubbled jaw.

“Every few days. Why?”

“Just wondering,” I murmured. “How do you decide
when it’s time?”

Cupping his face, I studied his rugged features.
Kirk didn’t answer my question. He watched me with eyes that drew me closer.

“If you keep this up, I won’t make it four and a
half years.”

“What do I care? That’s your goal, not mine.”

Kirk smiled at me, and my heart immediately raced
under his gaze. He was perfection without being perfect. While I didn’t
understand a lot in life, I understood this man was special.

“When you’re young,” he said, looking back at the
TV, “you want to grow up fast. Once you get old, you want life to slow down.”

“I want to grow up fast because I have no power as a
kid. I can’t decide anything. I can’t even make you take me to the bedroom.”

“No, you can’t, but you’re sure as hell making me
second-guess my choices.”

“Good.”

Kirk avoided my gaze. “You don’t know what you
want. You only know you’re lonely.”

“I’m not lonely.”

“Yeah, you are,” he said, holding my gaze. “I was
like you growing up. I didn’t know who to trust or what was happening next in
my life. I wanted to stay in juvie hall just because I knew what to expect. I
had a life there. That’s fucked up, but that’s not so different from you
wanting me here.”

“Isn’t it possible that I just want you because
you’re handsome, and I’m a normal woman who likes handsome men?”

“I guess.”

I skimmed his jaw with my fingers and smiled.
“You’re more afraid of this than I am.”

“Because I know what life has in store for us, and
you’re too young to understand.”

“Or you’re too set in your ways, and I’m more
willing to take a leap of faith.”

Kirk grinned, and my fingers stroked his smiling
lips.

“I want you to kiss me,” I said after building up
enough courage.

“One kiss could lead to more.”

“Fucking duh,” I said, gripping his shirt. “Ravage
me.”

“Do you even know what you’re talking about?”

“I know I want these hands,” I said, taking his in
mine, “on my body. I want to feel you. Most of the girls at my school have had
sex already.”

“With stupid boys from your school.”

“Yeah, so they got fucked badly while I was smart
enough to find a real man.”

Kirk shakes his head. “You sound like a kid playing
dress up.”

“You sound like a man afraid of his own shadow.”

Sometimes, I forgot about Kirk’s temper and ego.
They rarely showed up when we were together, but I’d challenged his manhood.
Without thinking, he responded to my dare by gripping the back of my head and
planting a hot kiss on my startled lips.

My tongue immediately slid into his mouth, wanting
a better taste before he put on the brakes.

Kirk wrapped his strong arms around me. My body
pressed against his until our speeding hearts beat as one. I couldn’t believe
he was finally kissing me. He tasted better than anything ever. Better than
even my most fantastic fantasy.

When his lips tried to leave mine, I groaned loudly
into his mouth and tightened my grip. Kirk didn’t dare refuse me. I was lost in
his heat, and he’d been waiting for too long to let go.

We were right there in the moment. Tomorrow
promised nothing. A year from then, we might both be dead in the most random
ways. Nothing was set beyond our desperate bodies pressed together wanting more
than either could stand.

Nothing beautiful lasted forever. Kirk took me by
the shoulders and held me away from him. My lips felt naked while my body ached
with his abandonment.

Kirk’s gaze revealed he was dying inside. Despite
my hunger, I smiled at knowing he wanted me as much as I did him.

My body ached to be filled. On a primal level, I
understood what needed to happen to be claimed. This man owned me in so many
ways, but I wasn’t his completely. Not yet, and I saw this knowledge on Kirk’s
rugged face.

“Not tonight,” he said.

I thought to challenge him again, but I didn’t.
Instead, I pretended to take pity on him by not pushing the subject. In
reality, I was mostly worried about myself. The violent heat behind his kiss
promised a sexual power capable of wrecking me. In fact, I sat next to him for
the rest of the night wondering if I really was too young for what I wanted.

Despite my age, Kirk owned me in every way that
mattered.