“I could use something like that.”
She looked haunted, vulnerable. Like she’d witnessed things best left undisturbed in her memory. “You should try these then.” He teased another magazine out of the pile and brought her a mechanical pencil from Alan’s desk. “Here. I’ve got plenty of them.”
He showed her how to do them. “Once you get the hang of it, it becomes automatic.”
“Does it really help you not think about things?”
Maybe if he shared a little she might reciprocate.
“A lot of people think what I do is pretty simple because I’m marine patrol. It’s not. I’m a cop, just like any deputy. The difference is, my beat is spent on a boat or in a truck, and my crime scene might be at the bottom of the Gulf of Mexico, or it might be in the middle of the Withlacoochee State Forest.”
He took a deep breath. “Year before last, fourth of July weekend, a couple of families went out on the water. Everyone goes out on the big holidays, whether they belong there or not. These people did not belong there. They’d been drinking.
“One of the guys gets the bright idea to race down the channel and challenges the other guy. Problem is, one of the boats strayed too far outside the channel, hit bottom, and slung a six year-old boy out of the boat. Kid didn’t have a life jacket on, either.” He swallowed back bile at the memory. “The other boat ran him over, didn’t see him and couldn’t have stopped in time anyway. Two hundred horsepower outboard with a stainless steel prop. Like a damn meat grinder. You ever see pictures of manatees with prop wounds?”
She nodded.
“Think what would happen if a prop did that to a forty-pound kid’s belly and chest.”
She paled and reached for his hand. “I’m sorry.”
“I arrived on scene first. I’d been out near the head marker. Nothing could be done for the poor kid. When I could finally sleep, I had nightmares like you couldn’t believe. Couldn’t close my freaking eyes without seeing him. I don’t do sleeping pills. That’s when Alan told me to try these. I started doing an hour of them before I went to bed and it worked like magic. I still had nightmares, but at least I could zone out before I tried to go to sleep. My mind worked on something else.”
He sat back and let out a deep breath. “The worst day I’ve ever had on the job. I hope to God I never have another one like it before I retire.”
“How long have you been in?”
“Too damn long, it feels like some days. Over twenty years. It was still called marine patrol when I joined after college. Now we’re under Fish and Wildlife. Everyone still calls us marine patrol though, even though that’s only part of what we do.”
After she finished eating, he helped her to the couch. Then he cleaned up the kitchen and washed the dishes before he returned to the living room and settled in the recliner Alan had purchased a few months earlier. Super comfortable, and more than one evening he’d fallen asleep in it to have Alan wake him up and drag him to the bedroom to spend the night. He suspected Alan bought it specially for him, yet another enticement to try to keep him there with him.
“You don’t have to stay here with me if you have other things to do,” she said. “I’ll be okay.”
“It’s my day off. I don’t mind.” He started working on a Sudoku puzzle.
“Earning boyfriend brownie points?”
He looked up at her soft comment, then spotted her playful smile. He laughed. “Yeah, maybe you could say that.”
“I’m sorry I’ve caused problems between you two.”
Okay, that made him feel guilty. “You didn’t cause a problem.”
I will not interrogate her. I will
not
interrogate her.
“If you want the honest truth, I’m a very private person. In my line of work, I like to end the day and settle in and decompress. Alan has a calming personality and I don’t socialize very well. I don’t want you to feel bad about being here, seriously.”
“Thank you. I promise as soon as I can I’ll be out of here and out of your way.
Aw, shit.
“I don’t want to run you off. That’s not what I meant.”
That
is
what I meant, but Jesus Christ I don’t want Alan to think I actually
said
that!
“No, I know. I understand. Besides, I have to get moving and find a job and a new place to live anyway.” She fell quiet and sat there working a Sudoku puzzle. The TV seemed to annoy her. “Is there anything special you want to watch?” she asked a few minutes later.
He shook his head. “Not really. I usually listen to a cable music channel if Alan’s not home. I don’t watch much TV.”
“Oh, how does that work?”
He picked up the remote and showed her how to activate the channel guide. “There, those channels.”
“Do you care what I put it on?”
“Please, no rap or gospel music. Or kids stuff.”
She smiled. “I guess that means classical is out too, huh?”
“Channel eight-forty.”
She laughed as she changed the channel. “He’ll be happy we have something in common,” she teased as she set the remote on the coffee table. As the peaceful sounds of Mozart filled the living room, Jerald felt some of his tension melt away. He liked many different kinds of music. When driving or on a boat, or trying to work around the house, he liked upbeat contemporary stuff, or rock and roll.
When he needed to decompress, he turned to his “aural Novocain,” as Alan had dubbed it. “You like classical?” he asked.
“My mom taught piano. She used to play in her spare time. She especially loved Chopin and Brahms.”
Ah, a little of her mysterious past revealed.
“Do you play?”
“No. I was never any good. I enjoy listening to it though.”
Now she had his interest. “Tell me a little more about yourself.”
“Like what?”
“Did you go to school?”
“I have an English degree, if that’s what you mean.”
“What about your family?
Her face clouded. “I don’t have any.”
“None?”
She shook her head.
“What happened to your parents?”
She took a deep breath. “My mom and dad died in a car wreck. I was ten and sitting in the backseat. Guy fell asleep at the wheel and hit us head-on. Not drunk, just exhausted. I lived with my mom’s aunt through high school. She died when I was seventeen. I stayed with my best friend’s parents until after I graduated, then I lived on my own in college.”
“What did you do for a living before you met Scorsini?”
“I graduated this past spring. I waited tables and tended bar. I tried to find a job as a teacher, but with all the budget cuts and hiring freezes, I didn’t have any luck.”
“That’s how you met Scorsini?”
“Unfortunately.” She studied the puzzle magazine in her lap. “He finally talked me into moving in with him. I wish I’d never done it,” she softly said.
From the look on her face, he sensed she’d had all she could tolerate on that subject for a while. He left her alone as they sat there working their puzzles.
Something else they had in common, he realized.
They were both orphans.
* * * *
Alan called from the marina a little after twelve. By the time he returned home, Jerald had lunch waiting on the table. He’d also made sure Daphne took her medicine.
Alan leaned in and kissed Jerald, worry on his face. “Everything okay?”
“I played nice.”
“Not a single rubber hose in sight,” Daphne joked from where she sat at the table.
They had a good lunch, then while Alan went to take a shower and clean up, Jerald started gathering his things.
Daphne tried to return the Sudoku magazine to him. “No, you keep it,” he insisted. “I have a lot of them. I’ll bring you some more, if you want.”
She offered him a hesitant smile. “Thank you.”
He decided to test the waters. “Is it helping you keep your mind off your troubles?”
She shrugged. “I don’t think anything but a lobotomy could do that, but it is distracting me.”
* * * *
Jerald returned later for dinner and brought a pizza and large salad. While Daphne acted a little more relaxed around him, she offered no new information on her situation. After they finished eating, she went to take a shower before going to bed.
Alan leaned in and deeply kissed him. “Spending the night?”
Jerald’s dick throbbed. A deep kiss, hell, even a sultry look from Alan could make him hard. “Not tonight, I’m sorry.”
Jerald didn’t have to be psychic to read the disappointment on Alan’s face. “Why not?”
They’d had a good dinner and Jerald didn’t want to start another fight. “I’m really tired.”
Alan crossed his arms. “Explain why my bed isn’t just as good or better for sleeping in than that shitty trailer?”
“Just give me some time with this, please?”
Alan looked like he wanted to argue the point, then let out a long, sad sounding breath. “Fine,” he quietly said. “What are you doing tomorrow?”
Jerald hated that tone of voice. He knew it meant Alan wasn’t happy about him leaving, but he wouldn’t fight him on it either.
Fuck.
“Sleep late. Then I need to mow, the grass is nearly up to my knees in some places.”
Alan turned back to the sink and started wiping down the counter. “Okay. I’ll talk to you tomorrow.”
“Love you.”
Alan nodded, but didn’t turn. “Love you, too. Be careful driving home.”
Jerald didn’t want to leave things like that, but wasn’t sure how to fix them and damn sure didn’t want to prod Alan about it and start a fight with him. Jerald drove home kicking himself all the way. Why
not
spend the night? Turn around and go back and be able to sleep in together tomorrow morning, enjoy relaxing with him on a rare morning they both didn’t have to get up earlier than hell.
He couldn’t bring himself to do it. And as he lay in bed and tried to sleep, he wondered if he was strong enough to stand by Alan in this relationship, be the kind of partner Alan deserved. Someone not terrified of their relationship.
Someone proud to admit that man was his partner.
He rolled onto his side and tried to sleep.
Chapter Seven
Jerald gave up trying to sleep a little after six the next morning. He’d tossed and turned all night and kicked himself in the ass for not staying at Alan’s. He couldn’t get Alan’s sad, quiet voice out of his head.
He hated hurting him like that.
Alan deserved better. He deserved a boyfriend who could man up and not be afraid. He wanted to be that man, he’d just have to figure out how the hell to do it.
He spent all morning working at home, ran errands, went shopping, and played catch-up on chores he’d put off. He needed to do laundry, then decided to bite the bullet and took it over to Alan’s.
He found Alan and Daphne sitting and talking on the back deck. Shirtless, Alan looked like he’d been doing yard work of his own. When he saw Jerald he smiled and stepped inside the house to talk with him.
“Glad to see you.” He kissed Jerald. “Missed you last night.”
Jerald studied his feet. “Missed you, too.” He prepared for an onslaught of
see, I told you so’s
, but none came.
Instead, with a knowing smile, Alan tipped his head toward the full laundry basket. “Washer’s empty. Help yourself.”
“Thanks.”
“You staying for dinner?”
Jerald forced his gaze to Alan’s face. “Yeah.”
Alan nodded. “Okay.” He stepped outside again without asking if Jerald would spend the night.
Jerald didn’t know if that made him feel better or worse.
He spent the afternoon helping Alan, feeling more nervous as the day lengthened. Alan still hadn’t pressed the issue about spending the night.
Jerald helped Alan fix dinner. Daphne had volunteered to help, but both men ordered her back to the couch. Alan didn’t want her to hurt herself, and her feet still obviously bothered her.
Jerald wanted nothing to impede her healing. The faster she could get out of there, the better.
“Would you please go out with me tomorrow night?” Jerald asked Alan. He hated that he sounded like he was begging, but dammit, he wanted time alone with him.
Alan glanced at the living room, where Daphne sat on the couch and worked a Sudoku puzzle. She’d really gotten into doing them.
“I don’t know. I don’t feel right leaving her alone.”
“I
can
hear you, you know,” she said. She looked up and smiled. “Please, go have fun. I’ll be okay by myself. I really would rather not go out anywhere. Besides, I don’t have any clothes to go out in.”
Alan looked torn. Jerald pounced on the opportunity. “Please? You and me. She said it’s okay.”
Alan looked from her to him and back again. “You’re sure you don’t mind being home alone?”